Let’s Play Post Office
by JennyPenny on June 14, 2008 

15 Comments

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The following is a guest post from the hilarious blogger, mother and Johnny Depp lover, Jenny. Check out her wonderful blog, I’m Having a Thought Here.

Recently my darling husband made a run to the post office, planning to do the unthinkable: purchase a stamp. I know; an intervention may be necessary. Someone this delusional needs immediate help.

It was late in the day and traffic was draconian, and despite my husband’s best efforts at speeding and tailgating, both of which he does exceptionally well, he did not make it to the PO quite in time. As in, he entered the lobby at 5:01 p.m. according to the Official Government clock on the wall.

Now, I know the post office closes at five o’clock on weekdays, y’all. Everyone knows that. Even my husband knows that. So call him crazy (I often do), but since only sixty seconds had elapsed since quittin’ time and the “workers” were apparently all present and accounted for, fiddling around near their scales and cash registers and whatnot, and a few customers were in fact still being actually waited upon, he approached a “worker” and asked if he could buy a stamp.

One stamp.

The “worker” stared at him for several seconds before speaking. She gaped at him far longer than it would have taken her to sell him the single stamp, or even a whole book of stamps. He began to wonder whether perhaps a pair of lobsters had somehow landed on his head and were waltzing there.

“You have to buy it out of the machine,” she finally said, exhibiting a level of animation on a par with anesthetized algae.

Fighting a mighty urge to succumb to the aggravation he justifiably felt, my husband obediently turned and walked the ten yards to the stamp machine embedded in the lobby wall. He attempted to buy a stamp.

One stamp.

Only, the machine was empty.

He returned to the counter and the catatonic “worker.”

“The stamp machine is empty and I really need to mail this,” he pleaded.

She did not blink. She did not move. She did not speak. She simply stared. Time continued its inexorable march toward the far reaches of eternity. Fortunes were made and squandered. Tens of thousands across our great nation came of legal age to sit for the Civil Service Exam. The price of postage doubled. Then …

“You can buy a stamp from me, sir,” came a tiny voice from my husband’s left.

It was another postal customer. A little lady with a stamp she was willing to sell.

My husband gratefully paid her, accepted the stamp, stuck it on his piece of mail, and walked back out to the lobby to deposit the envelope in the “Stamped Mail” slot.

The motionless “worker” watched his every move. For all I know she is still standing there … keeper of mum, keeper of the eternal postal flame. Keeper of stamps.

Humor-Blogs should check out I’m Having a Thought Here.

15 Responses »

1. Audrey
   
   June 14th, 2008 at 4:50 pm:

   Wow, I think I’ve had that exact same experience at the post office before, seriously. I just don’t remember there being a nice lady to actually sell me a stamp with no fuss or dirty looks. I especially liked this part…

   Time continued its inexorable march toward the far reaches of eternity. Fortunes were made and squandered. Tens of thousands across our great nation came of legal age to sit for the Civil Service Exam. The price of postage doubled…

   That is hilarious. Your husband is a very patient man.

2. Kathy
   
   June 14th, 2008 at 4:50 pm:

   Every single experience I’ve had at the post office began and ended just like your husband’s visit. The stare, the scorn, the disdain for the lowly customer.All present and accounted for. The last guy I got a package weighed by looked like he wanted me dead. I’m thinkin’ “Dude. Honest to God. How hard was that to throw this envelope on your stupid scale and press a button?!?! I mean, was it actually painful or something?”

   What is the punishment for going postal on postal workers?

3. JennyPenny
   
   June 14th, 2008 at 5:36 pm:

   The workers seem so unhappy with their lives. It is awfully sad. They should contemplate what life would be like if they worked at Subway or Sam’s Club. BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHA I crack myself up.

4. Foxy Lady
   
   June 14th, 2008 at 7:23 pm:

   You know, I don’t understand why some people who work in customer service (post office employees or otherwise) are in those jobs to begin with. If you hate people that much, get a job that requires no interaction with any other members of the human public. There are plenty of them…

   I have to admit, though, last time I went to the post office to mail something the employee was extremely friendly and helpful. Maybe he had a flask under his counter.

5. Ruth Hull Chatlien
   
   June 14th, 2008 at 10:35 pm:

   Oh, dear, yes. Maybe the woman behind the counter was really an extra from a zombie movie.

   Actually, our post office isn’t too bad, but right next to it, we have a Mailboxes Etc. franchise that rivals your post office. The woman is always cranky and complaining and slow, and to make it even weirder, when you walk in the door, you get greeted by a scruffy, tiny, three-legged dog. You’d think someone who loves a maimed animal would be a nice person, but apparently she’s used up all her human kindness on the canine.

   Great post.

6. JD at I Do Things
   
   June 15th, 2008 at 9:44 am:

   Oh, I love jennypenny and am happy to see her wonderful writings getting more exposure.

   I try to avoid the PO at all costs. The “workers” at our local one are slow to the point of being dead. I buy stamps online, pay more to have a package picked up at my door, and go out of my way to have a third-party vendor do the mailing.

   And those stamp machines? Are always empty. Except for the special commemorative $12 stamps. There are always plenty of those.

7. Heath (aka Yasumichi)
   
   June 15th, 2008 at 1:39 pm:

   Clearly the phenomenon has spilled over into the streets and apparently into our postal service workers. The worker’s blank stare can only be explained as Solanum. Which is commonly known as being a zombie. They are pretty much everywhere and some of them are friendly, However your hubby seems to have run into the lesser known Zombie Nazi. An extremely militant form of our undead counterparts. The good news? Bullets are like candy to them, you don’t want to deny them candy do you? For further instruction read “The Zombie Survival Guide” by Max Brooks.

8. JennyPenny
   
   June 15th, 2008 at 2:55 pm:

   Aurdrey, yes indeed … any man who can live with me for 29 years is the poster child for patience.

   Kathy, I don’t know what the punishment is for going postal on a postal “worker” but if TG were not so patient, he might have found out that day.

   Foxy Lady, actually at the very same post office my husband frequents, there is a nice man behind the counter by the name of Mr. Williams. He always treats me with extreme courtesy and is in my opinion the epitome of all a postal worker should be. But I go to the PO about twice a year. My husband goes much more often and his experience is always a frustrating one.

   Ruth, a tripod dog at the Mailboxes Etc. store? I would go there just to see him.

   JD you are a goddess of humor blogging; I would walk over broken glass to read one of your posts. Sounds like you’ve beat the post office at their own game. But what on earth does one do with a $12 stamp?

   Yasumichi, I never thought of the Zombie angle till now. This could be the answer except this woman’s level of interest made a comatose Zombie look like Fred Astaire in his prime … on pure adrenalin.

9. windyridge
   
   June 15th, 2008 at 10:19 pm:

   Wow guys and gals move out here! Out teeny PO is great, the PO Master gives me fresh asparagus out of her garden and radishes too. There are only 300 or so residents in this town tho’…maybe that’s the reason.

10. Cheryl
    
    June 15th, 2008 at 10:44 pm:

    My post office has a drive through window. The nicest lady always worked there; her name is Ten. Pretty cool, huh? She loved working the window. They recently closed it down. Now I’ll actually have to go stand in a line. With unhappy people.

11. P.L. Frederick
    
    June 17th, 2008 at 12:11 pm:

    This post is hilarious! Hilarious to read, anyway: I’m pretty sure it would not be fun to experience directly.

12. JennyPenny
    
    June 17th, 2008 at 12:26 pm:

    Windyridge, I think you may have hit on something … people are happy and relaxed in direct proportion to how few other people live near them! Or something like that …

    Cheryl, I once read a wonderful novel (can’t remember the name) that had a female character with the name of Ten. I thought it was really cool then and I still do! What is it about post offices that makes people unhappy? I read a book in line and am perfectly content. It’s mind over matter.

    P.L., that’s why I send TG to do the majorityof my postofficing.

13. Rick C
    
    June 26th, 2008 at 10:57 am:

    I enjoyed your story and got a chuckle from it. I wonder if the Postal workers and BMV workers are interchangeable?

14. argentumvulgaris
    
    September 1st, 2008 at 9:00 pm:

    Postal workers actually have to study Lethargy 101 before they are let lose on an unsuspecting public.

    AV

    argentumvulgaris’s last blog post: Train-Overload

15. Simon Slade
    
    September 9th, 2008 at 8:48 pm:

    Hilarious post! Keep them coming
    What a nice little lady! If only there were more of her in this world.

    Simon Slade’s last blog post: Portal Solutions Featured for Ranking as One of Top 100 Businesses in Country

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