Meetings: Where Joy Goes to Die
by kev on July 2, 2008 

8 Comments

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Oh, wonderful. Another meeting at work. There goes my afternoon.

I hope they reserved the big conference room. The small conference room makes me feel claustrophobic, which is strange since I do not suffer from claustrophobia. Methinks it has something to do with the fact the small conference room is roughly the size of my freshman dorm in college, which was roughly the size of walk-in closet. Of course, this makes it easy for me reminisce about the “good ol’ days” in college. All I have to do is find a small space, hang an Alanis Morrisette poster on the wall, and then curl into a ball and weep.

That’s just great. They reserved the SMALL conference room. I hope everyone brushed their teeth and showered this morning. Wait, I know, I just need to get my allergies to act up. Then I won’t be able to smell anything. Where’s some dust…

I’ve got to hand it to our building’s cleaning crew. They might be slow, they might have poor people skills, but you can always count on them to leave the dust that has accumulated on my desk. I’ll just take a little of the dust, sniff it and…

This was a bad idea. Apparently, mixed in with the dust was some lemonade mix I spilled on my desk a few weeks back. Am I going to die? Lord, if You’re going to take me, please take me BEFORE this meeting.

Crap. I’m going to live.

Near as I can tell, everyone in the meeting has showered and brushed their teeth. In fact, if I’m not mistaken, they all smell like lemons. I like it.

Geesh, why are some people so enamored with their own voices? “Well, I think… blah, blah, blah, blah.” That’s wonderful, long-winded man wearing a thin tie. I have listened to what you have to say, and I think I speak for everyone when I say these chairs are incredibly, incredibly uncomfortable.

I can’t feel the lower half of my body anymore. My butt and legs have gone numb. This would be beneficial if I were to inadvertently sit on a thumb tack, but otherwise I don’t care for the sensation. I wonder if I can stretch my legs under the table…

Oh no, who’s foot did I just touch? It’s either the creepy guy with the toupee or the older woman who keeps asking me to help her fix the speaker cables under her desk.

This isn’t good. Cause a distraction. Hurry!

“Excuse me, everyone. My butt is numb. Could we take a short break?”

What’s that? We’ve only been meeting for seven minutes?

I think I’m going to die here.

My mind is too drained from the meetings to write anything clever. I would try to do something wittier than the above, but I’m just too tired. I just want to get my Alanis Morrisette poster and go home.

8 Responses »

1. Foxy Lady
   
   July 2nd, 2008 at 4:14 pm:

   …..so you made it out alive!?

   Did your butt ever wake up? Did you find a few thumbtacks stuck in it, by any chance?

2. Erin
   
   July 2nd, 2008 at 6:40 pm:

   Do you doze at meetings? It makes a world of difference. Just keep on with the “good ol’ days” of college and pretend you’re taking notes in class after a long night of cramming. Rest your head in your free hand…slow down on the notes…close your eyes…. Of course, if you’re expected to contribute this will never work. Then you have to take numerous “important” calls on your phone. We have a colleague who does this and he misses 80% of each meeting. I want him to be my mentor.

3. Kathy
   
   July 2nd, 2008 at 6:57 pm:

   What you needed to do to survive this meeting was BLOG from the meeting. It could have been “Live! From Small Lemon-Fresh Meeting Room.” It could work for you. Tell them your taking minutes. You can intersperse them within the post. We’ll just skip over those parts.

   Ew on the foot touch. Hate that.

4. Josh H.
   
   July 2nd, 2008 at 7:28 pm:

   *straightens thin tie*
   ahem..well here’s what I think: I think we’d be best served by holding a meeting to flesh all of this out.

5. Heath (aka Yasumichi)
   
   July 3rd, 2008 at 12:38 am:

   Perhaps God was testing you my friend. Nucleur war….pestilance….starvation… drowning….all these come no where near the horror that you were subjected to today. I’m astonished you made it through in one piece, let alone with your sanity intact.

   You should write John McCain a letter entitled “I know you were a POW, but you don’t know pain!”

6. kev
   
   July 3rd, 2008 at 4:20 pm:

   @Foxy: Thankfully, yes, I did make it alive. And yes, I somehow managed to avoid having thumbtacks embedded into my backside. All things considered, I was lucky!

   @Erin: Sadly, I have to contribute during most of the meeting. But…I like your “important phone call” idea. Next time I have a long meeting, I need to get someone to call me on the phone five minutes into it. Yes, this is genius…

   @Kathy: That’s a great idea. Maybe they’ll let me take minutes next time? The minutes will be a rambling mess, but at least I’d get a good blog post out of it!

   @Josh: *holds up crucifix* Back! Get back! Thou shalt not feast on my soul any longer!!

   Okay, that was a bit dramatic…

   @Yasumichi: That’s true. God must be teaching me patience. Maybe there’s something happening in my life right now where patience is going to be needed?

   I’m ready, God. Bring it on!!

7. JennyPenny
   
   July 3rd, 2008 at 9:20 pm:

   That was a painful reminder of numberless all-day depositions I have experienced … held in cramped windowless conference rooms peopled with bloviating lawyers and stuttering deponents! Thanks for that , Kev … oh, and happy fourth of July!

8. Was Emilio Estevez a Pack Rat or a Brat Pack? I Get Those Confused… : Special Kind of Stupid - The world is full of stupid. We're just here to document it.
   
   July 7th, 2008 at 11:28 am:

   [...] right… I have renamed the city where I live “Kevland”). At work, I had to endure numerous, long, boring meetings. And, at home, I have been busy packing up my stuff in anticipation of my moving to a new [...]

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