I'm a cypher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kev and I own this here website.
As my regular readers know and loath, I am a baseball fan. Occasionally, I like to blog about the sport. This is another fact known and loathed by my readers. As a regular reader once e-mailed me, “I came here for the funny, not for the baseball.”
That’s my mom for you. She does love the comedy…
Anyway, it is a very poorly-hidden secret that I am an Atlanta Braves fan. Even though they often frustrate me — and by often, I mean constantly — I just cannot get enough of those crazy guys. And so, partly because I am bored, but mostly because I wanted to write a tribute to the team I adore, I present to you all a small snippet of my yet-to-be-published (or written) book, 102 Reasons YOU Should Love the Braves.
A shiny, imaginary nickel to all who read the entire list!
1. They once had a pitcher named Joe Winkelsas. That is a funny name.
6. During home games, they often play Queen’s We Are The Champions and We Will Rock You. I could be wrong, but I believe no other stadium in any other sport plays these songs.
13. This guy is a manager in their minor league system. If Nazis or umpires ever invade the country, you will be glad to have him on your side.
34. Manager Bobby Cox holds the all-time MLB record for ejections. Old men who yell and curse are hilarious.
51. Thirty-six year old third baseman Larry Jones still goes by the nickname “Chipper.” Watching ballgames and wondering if Jones would still go by his childhood nickname today if his nickname had been “Little Snot” or “Stink” is a wonderful time killer.
66. Arguably the greatest sports commercial of all-time stars two members of the Atlanta Braves. If this commercial does not amuse you, you are not human. Also, you’re stupid. That’s right… if you do not like this commercial, you are a stupid alien. This is me telling it like it is.
70. Back in 1991, gorgeous actress Jennifer Connelly and the rest of the cast for Disney’s The Rocketeer came to a Braves game to promote their new movie. I was at that game. This probably shouldn’t have been included in a list of reasons why YOU should love the Braves, but it’s definitely one of the reasons a 13-year-old Kev began loving them!
84. The team’s stadium, Turner Field, offers TWELVE different hot dogs: They’ve got the Boston Italian Sausage, Chili Cheese Dog, Juicy Jumbo Dog, Jumbo Chicago Dog, Jumbo Georgia Dog, Jumbo New York Dog, Jumbo Southwestern Dog, Milwaukee Bratwurst, Jumbo Southwestern Dog, New York Dog, Southwestern Dog, and the plain old, generic Hot Dog. Personally, I feel bad for the generic Hot Dog. Why doesn’t it get a cool name?
90. The hilarious Alton Brown of the Food Network’s Good Eats is a Georgia resident. I’m not sure if he’s a baseball fan, but if he is he’s surely a Braves fan. The mere possibility of Alton Brown being a Braves fan boosts the team’s coolness factor by at least twenty points.
99. “Braves” spelled backwards is “Sevarb.” Obviously, Sevarb isn’t a real word, but it should be. In fact, I am coining it right now. The definition of Sevarb shall be “the act of spelling a word backwards for no reason whatsoever.” Cindy, go get Merriam Webster on the phone. Tell him it’s Kev with another new word for his dictionary. Wait, what do you mean there’s no such person?
102. If you’re a girl, and we go to a game together on a date, I’ll hold your hand and tell you the other 91 reasons.
;-) 7.10.08 at 11:38 am:
1. I want to name my firstborn Winkelsas.
6. I have never heard those two songs played at any other stadium. Ever. Wow.
13. I can’t watch videos while I am at work, but I’ll take your word for it. And watch the video later.
34. That’s amazing…I would love to see him in action! I wonder if his face turns purple…old men who yell and curse with purple faces and veiny foreheads are even hilarious-er.
51. Any idea where than nickname came about? Did he used to play golf, by any chance…?
66. Again, I’ll take your word for it, but I’ll have to watch it later…am I the only girl that thinks sports commercials are usually the best?
70. Jennifer Connelly IS gorgeous. I am a girl, and I will gladly admit that. If she likes baseball, too, she just gained cool points.
84. Holy CRAP. That’s all.
90. Alton Brown is my hero. If he is a Braves fan, he gets a “coolness” boost as well as the team.
99. If you sevarb my name, is spells “Ydal Yxof”. It’s true.
102. I hope whatever girl you take really, really likes baseball…!
;-) 7.10.08 at 12:04 pm:
I *heart* the Braves too. Had some good drunken times at Fulton County Stadium. Too bad I left the state before the new stadium came around.
;-) 7.10.08 at 12:21 pm:
Here we go…you awoke the recently sleeping hibernating sports guy (aside from my blog on disgusting athletes)
1) I can’t argue this one, this name is destined for greatness. Right on par with Dick Buttkiss.
2)Unfortunatly I think they play both those songs up here at Safeco field while the mariners are taking losing to spectacular new levels.
13)While he looks like a very effective zombie slayer…Has he read the survival guide?!
34)I really like Bobby Cox, but you should Youtube the video of the minor leage coach getting ejected and using the pitcher’s powder bag like a grenade.
51) Chipper Jones….amazing…nuff said.
66) Holy Crap…your commercials are actually funny?! The Mariners ones are as painfull as using a porcupine as a loofa.
70) I thought I was the only one who liked that movie!!! But Jennifer Connely was far better alongside David Bowie in Labyrinth….
84) That many hotdogs scares the heck out of me…honestly.
90) I honestly believe that regardless of his state of origion he’s a Boston fan…everyone is.
99) I have no response to this
100) I could live with a football fan if she didn’t like baseball
;-) 7.10.08 at 9:56 pm:
I am so enjoying my shiny imaginary nickel!
Wellman! Dude! Curb your enthusiasm!
That commercial with Glavine and Maddux really is funny. I am so glad to know I am not a stupid alien.
I guess you know my dog is named after Javier Lopez? Well, now you do.
Those hot dogs sound sooooooo good. I’ll have the plain old hot dog (I’m rooting for the underdog as it were) with lotsa mustard and a huge Diet Coke.
I LOOOOOOOOOOVE Alton Brown. Good Eats is one of my favorite shows. He makes me laugh almost as much as you do, Kev.
Sevarb, matey!
;-) 7.11.08 at 8:45 am:
No way is Chipper Jones 36 already! Damn, you’re getting old…
;-) 7.11.08 at 9:58 am:
13. Even on mute that was both terrifying and hilarious. Mm…mostly hilarious. I love how everyone just bit back grins and let him rave.
34. I completely agree. I think it’s hilarious when people get ejected from any sport. Haha–the German manager got sent off for a match a couple of weeks ago which meant he had to spend the next match in the stands. It was pretty funny. They always look so sulky.
51. “Little Snot”? “Stink”? Those are great. I’m going to find some children and start calling them that. I’ll say, “Aren’t you cute? What’s your name? Stink? It’s not? Well it should be, because you do.”
66. There’s a possibility that I’m stupid. Then again, I watched it on mute.
84. Oh. My. Gosh. I love love love hot dogs. I could become a baseball fan for such a great variety of one delicious food. Of course, I would never know the score and would be that person who gets hit in the head with a ball because I was so busy snarfing hot dogs. Yes, dogs, plural.
;-) 7.11.08 at 10:49 am:
@Foxy: If you sevarb my name, it spells “awesome.” True story.
@Alice: You’ve never got to see a game at “The Ted?” You’ve got to take a vacation sometime and check out a game! It’s a LOT nicer than Fulton County!!
@Yasumichi: Three questions… 1) Is Dick Buttkiss and Dick Butkus the same person?? 2) Wasn’t Jennifer Connelly something like 15 when she filmed Labyrnth?? 3) The NFL is awesome, but give me a girl who likes baseball and I’m a happy camper! Hmmm. That last one wasn’t really a question. Sorry…
@Jenny: You named your dog after Javy Lopez?? Haha…that’s great! I want to name one of my pets Smoltz. I’m amazed I haven’t yet done that…
@Secola: The song “Landslide” popped into my head when reading your comment…
@Erin: I will give you a REAL imaginary nickel if you go up to some random kid and do that. Wait, make that TWO imaginary nickels. Also, say to one of them, “Is your name ‘Little Snot?’ No? Are you sure? Because you have some on your shirt.” As for hot dogs, YES, thank you! Two of the earlier commenters implied they do not like hot dogs. WHO DOESN’T LIKE HOT DOGS? You and Jenny are clearly the only sane ones here.
;-) 1.16.11 at 3:44 pm:
You’ll hold her hand AND tell her 91 more reasons?! Amazing. You are a stand up guy.