I'm a cypher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kev and I own this here website.
Today’s installment of Dear Reader goes out to a shy lad from Huntington Beach, California. At 11:32 pm PST on July 14, 2008, this special visitor stumbled upon this site after typing the following into a search engine:
“how to open conversation with a lady”
A big thanks to Google for referring this individual, and a bigger thanks to KathyF for writing the guest blog post that ultimately led him to SKOS. Thanks to you, this young lad is able to get the help he desperately needs and only I can provide.
Dear Reader,
Whether it’s a shy teenager or an awkward man in his forties who still lives in his parent’s basement, it warms my heart whenever I hear Cupid has struck someone in the buttocks with his pointy, rusty arrow. It brings out both the romantic and the doctor in me.
(By the way, you should probably go get a tetanus shot.)
Doug (may I call you Doug?), I am glad fate brought you to me. You see, I have never had difficulty striking up conversation with the ladies. In the first grade, I distinctly remember being tackled and held down against my will by virtually every girl in my class one day during recess. I don’t remember what I said to them, but it must have been very suave.
Because I am a giver, I’m going to help you. I am going to impart my knowhow to you, Doug. How does that sound?
The tears of joy inevitably streaming down your face right now brings me to my first tip, Doug: do not cry in front of the ladies. Television, movies, magazines and all that nonsense might have you believing ladies want a guy who is sensitive, but believe me when I say it isn’t true.
Ladies want a man who never cries. Ever.
If you are talking to a lady when three hundred bees proceed to swarm on you, you better not cry. It doesn’t matter if you are allergic to bee stings. If you cry, she will lose all respect for you.
If you are talking to a lady when an escaped lion from a zoo pounces on your back, you better not cry. She will go find a man who doesn’t cry when being mauled by zoo animals.
If you are talking to a lady when a senior citizen, mistaking you for someone she saw on America’s Most Wanted, sprays mace in your eyes, you better not cry. You better take the mace from her hand and spray HER with it just like a real man would do.
Another good tip is to make sure you have clean ears and fingernails. Girls pay attention to whether or not a guy has clean ears, Doug. Trust me. According to my own independent research, dirty ears is the number one reason for divorce in this country. It has surpassed financial issues, impotence, and Angelina Jolie for the top spot.
As for fingernails, well… that’s just sanitary.
My next tip would be to acquire some great skills. Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills, Doug. Take me, for example. I am awesome. That is my skill. Other guys might have nun-chuck skills, bow-hunting skills or computer-hacking skills.
These are just examples. The important thing, Doug, is to acquire some kind of great skill. Ladies, especially classy ones, are going to ask you about your great skill within the first two minutes of meeting you. You better have a good answer.
Wearing a bluetooth headset on your ear is great for when you’re starting a conversation with a lady. Nothing, Doug, and I mean NOTHING, makes a lady weak in the knees quite like walking up to her while talking to an imaginary friend on your bluetooth, telling said imaginary friend you “have to go,” and then telling her, “I don’t know if you noticed, but I’m wearing a bluetooth headset on my ear.”
It will be on like Donkey Kong, Doug.
Finally, the best advice I can give for starting a conversation with a lady is to seem aloof and indifferent to her. If you have met her before, pretend you do not remember her name. If you are meeting her for the first time, ask her for her name, but then proceed to call her by the wrong name for the rest of the conversation.
It sounds cruel, but it’s all about remaining a mystery, Doug. Why do you think O.J. Simpson is still, to this day, able to get women to date him? Because he is a mystery. Women are intrigued by the “will he or won’t he (kill me)” aura he has around him. They can’t figure him out, but they want to. They are willing to put their LIVES on the line to figure him out.
Now, Doug, obviously I am not suggesting you mimic O.J. Simpson. For one thing, O.J. would hunt you down and kill you for mimicking him. But mainly, I just don’t think you can pull off the “possible murderer” vibe, Doug. No offense.
“Guy who can’t remember my name” is totally within your limitations, though. In fact, I bet you could also pull off “guy who can’t remember where he knows me from” and “guy who goes days without bathing.”
Mystery, Doug. It’s all about remaining a mystery.
Good luck, buddy.
Kev
I know what you all are thinking: “That is the greatest advice EVER, Kevin.” Yes, yes I know. Still, what advice would YOU have given our pal Doug here? Leave a comment (or two or ten) with your tips and advice.
;-) 7.15.08 at 4:33 pm:
Uh, wow. LMAO! I think Doug would be wise to also hit on any friends that said lady has with her. Chicks LOVE that!
;-) 7.15.08 at 4:37 pm:
Well, I will say this. I am a girl, and personally, one of the BEST ways a guy can capture my attention is to pretend to be interested in all the same things I’m interested. It doesn’t matter if he changes his mind later, it’s the initial commonalities that are important.
So, Doug:
If she likes cake decorating? You better learn the meaning of “fondant” and “bag striping”.
If she likes flower arranging? You better learn the difference between a rose and a dandelion, and figure out how to fit in some Baby’s Breath.
If she likes hockey? Boo the players for icing, and pretend you love the fights the most.
Later, you can break it to her that you don’t even eat sweets, wouldn’t know a dandelion from a hyacinth and have no idea who that Wayne Gretzky guy is, but until then….fake it, my friend, fake it like you’re indoor tanning.
;-) 7.15.08 at 4:54 pm:
@Corrina and Angi: Excellent tips, ladies. Hit on the girl’s friends and pretend (aka lie) to the girl so she thinks you have common interests. These are great!
Doug, are you getting these??
;-) 7.15.08 at 11:56 pm:
Make sure and tell her she should not be feeling whatever it is she’s feeling, if it’s not what you’re feeling! Don’t take your hands off the remote or your eyes from the TV screen when you say it, either! Women love the way men are always in command of not only their own emotions but everyone else’s too! Good luck, Doug!
;-) 7.16.08 at 2:37 pm:
@Jenny: ROFL! “I have a friend (Who is single now that I think about it) Who was quoted as saying “Treat them like dirt and they’ll stick to you like mud”
;-) 7.16.08 at 2:58 pm:
It always helps to have a criminal record, Doug, so if you don’t have one yet, go out and break the law.
;-) 7.16.08 at 3:28 pm:
@Jenny: Oooh, very nice. Doug, if you can pull off what Jenny suggests, you will be made in the shade!
@Yasumichi: I think I’ve heard that quote before. Didn’t Pig Pen say that to Charlie Brown once in a Peanuts cartoon?
@Skip: Welcome, my friend! Great suggestion. Doug, he’s absolutely right. And the bigger the crime, the more ladies you will attract. Good luck, buddy.
;-) 7.16.08 at 3:34 pm:
Yes well, I have found that while men often want to be near a woman … sometimes very very VERY near her … they rarely really actually and truly want to be WITH her … as in, honestly sharing thoughts and experiences, hopes and dreams, feelings and emotions. It’s a male mind game and women find it exceedingly boring which is why we girls often do not play along! Bye now!
;-) 7.16.08 at 3:43 pm:
Hmmmm Jenny does have a good point…..
;-) 7.16.08 at 3:46 pm:
@Jenny and Angi: Here, here. If everyone stopped playing mind games with one another, and if every day was REALLY Casual Friday, this world would become an Utopia.
If I am ever elected President, part of my platform will be ensuring these two things happen.
;-) 7.16.08 at 3:48 pm:
If you are elected President, I also suggest you make it national law that work weeks are only 1 day long. Wednesday is a good day, I think.
;-) 7.16.08 at 3:50 pm:
@Angi: Oooooh, that’s good. Hey, maybe you should be my campaign manager??
;-) 7.16.08 at 3:53 pm:
I bet I could handle the job. We’ll make lawn signs and bumper stickers that say nothing but “Vote for Kev: 1 Day Work Weeks”. Enough said. You’ll be a shoo-in.
It’s brilliant, no?
;-) 7.16.08 at 4:53 pm:
Man, I could so handle a one-day workweek. Kev for President if he can pull that one off!
And usher in a Utopian socieity while he’s at it …
;-) 7.16.08 at 5:01 pm:
Jenny, you and I can be campaign trail groupies!
;-) 7.16.08 at 5:20 pm:
@Jenny: Hey Hey now…you’re making most guys sound like complete jerks. I can name lot of guys not like that! Ummm…Well….. hmmmm….yaaaa….well I hear the Pope is very nice.
;-) 7.16.08 at 5:26 pm:
Angi, that’s a deal! We’ll get him elected and hold high-paying sinecures in his administration! We’ll banish presidential term limits while we’re at it so the fun will never ever end! One big partay down y’all! Hail to Kev the Chief!
Yasumichi, you forgot Johnny Depp. He’s not like that …
;-) 7.16.08 at 5:32 pm:
Ooooh Jenny I feel a big-time, politically-charged, one-day-work-week awesomeness-charged party coming on…..
;-) 7.16.08 at 5:36 pm:
Absolutely girl. With Kev at the helm working his mojo, we cannot go wrong … and when it’s all said and done he’ll be beholden to us, which is the kind of dynamic we want on inauguration day and all the days that follow. I think I’ll wear Chanel for the parties, and I don’t mean No. 5. Do you want to tell him or should I, that for services rendered, rather than cash we wish to be compensated in gold and diamonds?
;-) 7.16.08 at 5:42 pm:
Oooh Chanel and Tiffany’s, yes? I don’t think he’ll mind bestowing gold and diamonds upon us, really, because where would he be without us? Plus, he’ll be such a popular leader, people will be clamoring over themselves to throw money at his feet. He can TOTALLY afford the compensation we desire.
Hear that, Kev? Gold, and diamonds, and the privilege of your presence.
;-) 7.17.08 at 9:41 am:
@Yasumichi: Did you just steal the “@” thing I do when leaving comments? I think you just did. I KNEW I should have copyrighted @ when I had the chance. Dang it!
@Angi and Jenny: WHOA, ladies…slow it down a little. First, we have to get me elected. THEN the one-day work week, the abolishment of mind games, the gold, the diamonds and the privilege of my presence can follow.
I’m going to need a running mate. Any ideas?
;-) 7.17.08 at 10:02 am:
Johnny Depp. A tad liberal perhaps but sooooo cute! It will guarantee the votes of any/all females who might still for some incomprehensible reason be immune to your awesomeness, Kev! Not that there are likely to be many!
Angi and I must sparkle and dazzle on the campaign trail! Just so you know! And since you like my writing, I’ll be your press secretary … don’t press secretaries wear Chanel couture? In my world they do ….
;-) 7.17.08 at 10:37 am:
Shouldn’t the privilege of your presence be first and foremost, to boost team morale???
Running mate…running mate…you know, if you ever finished your “Single Awesome Male Seeks Single Awesome Female” blog, perhaps a good running mate would present herself.
;-) 7.17.08 at 12:44 pm:
Yes I did steal your @ but I was unaware that it was trademarked Kev. So would a trademarked @ look like @®?
;-) 7.17.08 at 6:47 pm:
Doug should walk up to a lady, turn his head to the side, spit, then look her up and down, finishing with, “What’s up?” Simple, but endlessly effective.
Sign me up as a volunteer to hang signs for your campaign. I’m also willing to walk up and down the rows of cars at the grocery store slapping “Kev for President” bumper stickers on each and every car. People love that.
;-) 7.18.08 at 12:00 pm:
[...] the comments section of a recent blog post, the notion of my becoming President of the United States began to gain momentum. Now, I’d be [...]