First Rachael Ray, Now This
by kev on July 17, 2008 

21 Comments

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As many of you may be aware, I am a fan of Alton Brown’s show on the Food Network, “Good Eats.” The man is a genius, really. If you combined his wit and knack for all things food with Giada DeLaurentiis’ looks, you would have a child that could potentially take over the world.

The other night, however, I was struggling with my usual insomnia and, after the late-night Good Eats re-run concluded, “Unwrapped” with Marc Summers came on. For those of you who don’t know, this show covers all the behind-the-scenes info on popular American foods, from the origins of French’s Classic Yellow Mustard to what’s really in Marshmallow Fluff (which we all know is nothing but clouds and cyanide).

Normally, this show is relatively entertaining. If you ever want to know the reasons the Lucky Charms marshmallows are the shapes that they are (I like the pots o’ gold, personally), this would be the show for you. But the episode I was watching – “Cheese Please” – may have just turned a normally cheese-loving awesome guy into, well, just a normal awesome guy.

This episode detailed the secrets behind making goat cheese, cheesecake, and Cheez-It crackers. Now, I love a good goat cheese as much as the next guy, but there’s something about seeing it in still-liquid form in a thousand-gallon metal vat that would turn even Joe Rogan’s stomach.

When referring to the process of making goat cheese, there’s something about the phrase, “Now we dump in the live cultures, and as soon as those start to work, the cheese will start to curdle – kinda like milky Jell-O!” that makes me never want to look at a goat again. Ever. Sorry kids, the petting zoo is out. I hate goats now.

Next up: cheesecake. I like cheesecake, I do. But in my mind, cheesecake is always made by hand, by a bunch of attractive, motherly-looking women with aprons and rolling pins, infusing their cheesecakes with love and blessings for all who may consume them. NOT by a giant machine that spits a big blob of filling into a pre-made crust in one gigantic squirt…200 at a time. Where’s the love? Where’s the blessing?

Finally, Cheez-It crackers. At first I was thinking that seeing little orange crackers in mass quantities – we’re talking feeding all of Africa here – wouldn’t bother me so much. And it didn’t…until they attacked my eyeballs with what the cracker dough looks like before it’s baked. Obviously, it doesn’t start off orange. It starts off white. Fine, it looks like bread dough. But seeing them dump a giant bowl of liquid ORANGE into the formerly normal-looking dough was too much. I don’t think I even heard what was in it. I was too busy contemplating injecting liquid Dawn into my ears in an attempt to wash my brain of the image I had just witnessed. I will never look at a Cheez-It the same again.

I think from now on, I’ll stick to Good Eats. I’ve come to the conclusion that knowing how the majority of my processed food is made is not a good thing. At least I know good old Alton infuses his food with love and blessings.

Now, if he could also infuse it with a little Giada DeLaurentiis, it would be on like Donkey Kong.

Humor-blogs is bitter because I called dibs on Giada DeLaurentiis.

21 Responses »

1. Angi
   
   July 17th, 2008 at 5:12 pm:

   Gross. I’ve never really been a big fan of watching cheese being made, either. Something about all that milky goo…it overrides my love for the solid block of goodness that emerges.

   Is it weird that I’m not a big fan of cheesecake, regardless of how much love and blessings are infused into it?

2. Erin
   
   July 17th, 2008 at 6:32 pm:

   *sigh* I was about to hit submit on my comment but internet explorer decided it “wasn’t responding”. The first one was a lot longer but I’m not re-typing it.

   Anyway, I don’t care how cheese is made. It’s too yummy. It’s like hot dogs and haggis: full of questionable material but delicious nonetheless.

3. Kathy
   
   July 17th, 2008 at 8:59 pm:

   Caught the same episode and was as grossed out as you were. Except I kept watching. Why? Because it’s like a car wreck. You can’t look away.

   BTW, I’m in love with Alton Brown. Saw him once at a wine and food festival and he made “the perfect omelet” on stage. Couldn’t see a thing, but it was great just to be within a few yards of him. You have your Giada. I have my Alton.

4. Corrina
   
   July 17th, 2008 at 11:58 pm:

   Some things you just un-see my friend. Might I suggest pounding a few beers before you venture into uncharted Food Network territory? Then, perhaps, you won’t remember how your (formerly) favorite foods were once big blobs of squish. At the very least you won’t remember it as clearly.

5. Corrina
   
   July 18th, 2008 at 12:53 am:

   Oops! Forgot the “can’t” there. Sorry. No more commenting with my phone.

6. Yasumichi
   
   July 18th, 2008 at 1:08 am:

   Honestly as much as I really don’t like much cheeses…when it is put into cake form it becomes so much more. Cheesecake is a gift from God. Much like the Seahawks, puppies and anyone who hates nazis

7. damon
   
   July 18th, 2008 at 7:52 am:

   I don’t want to know they make anything. I would hate to tarnish my relationship with the almighty Oreo.
   And another thing,
   How can you possibly like the pot-o-gold more than the orange stars?

8. kev
   
   July 18th, 2008 at 10:33 am:

   @Angi: Weird? Nah. I like the taste of cheesecake, but I haven’t eaten it in years. It just sounds so unhealthy to me. Just give me onions, mushrooms and other stir-fry veggies cooked with some olive oil and I’m a happy camper!

   @Erin: I think I know the answer, but what are your feelings on Cheese Hotdogs?

   @Kathy: I want Alton and Gia to co-host a show together. Alton does all the talking, and Gia just stands beside him smiling and occasionally helping him with chopping and cooking. I would watch said show 24/7. Is that wrong of me?

   @Corrina: Well, you see, drinking while watching the Food Network is dangerous. You end up knocking on your neighbor’s door at 3am claiming to be an “Iron Chef” and challenging him to a cooking duel. I’m merely speculating, of course…

   @Yasumichi: I think I once read Adolf Hitler liked cheesecake. Oh, and puppies. He loved puppies. No, wait…I’m thinking of Al Roker. Nevermind.

   @damon: Do you think the process of making Oreos is disgusting? Oh dear…now I won’t be able to sleep tonight! As for pot-o-gold versus orange stars, there is simply no comparison. If, in real life, you found a pot of gold you would be rich. On the other hand, if you found an orange star you are likely to be attacked by an alien living inside it.

   Methinks I’ve seen too many sci-fi movies…

9. Angi
   
   July 18th, 2008 at 10:52 am:

   Ummm your stir fry sounds okay but leave out the mushrooms, and possibly the onions. Personally, I’m a huge fan of waterchestnuts and bamboo shoots. Anyone who doesn’t like THOSE is nuts…

   I don’t even want to know how Oreos are made. I don’t even like those AFTER they’re made!!

10. kev
    
    July 18th, 2008 at 11:10 am:

    @Angi: Gross! I’ve never had bamboo shoots, but waterchestnuts do not appeal to me in the slightest. I think I once read Adolf Hitler liked waterchestnuts. True story.

    Granted, I eat Oreos maybe once every two years due to the fact I try to eat healthy and I’ve never really had a sweet tooth, but you REALLY don’t like them? Like, at all??

11. Erin
    
    July 18th, 2008 at 11:29 am:

    Well, if you think my answer is “Adolf Hitler hated cheese hot dogs and God sent them to Earth specifically for me” then you are absolutely correct! Hm. I haven’t had one of those for years and years…Maybe my great passion for hot dogs comes from my frequent separation from them? If I ate them more regularly perhaps I would simply “like them okay”.

    By the way, Angi is right. Bamboo shoots and waterchestnuts are delicious. Vegetables are always delicious–and no mystery surrounding their origins, right?

12. Angi
    
    July 18th, 2008 at 11:34 am:

    Well. Bamboo shoots are good. And even if Hitler did like waterchestnuts…well…I guess he had ONE good thing going for him!

    And no, I’m not really a fan of Oreos. The cookie part is okay, but the cream filling…reminds me of Crisco. The local grocery store, however, does make a good generic sandwich cookie and the filling actually doesn’t remind me entirely of lard! The cookies are vanilla/lemon, though, that might help.

    THANKS Erin! Glad SOMEONE agrees with me. And yes. No mystery surrounding the origin of vegetables - I’ve always said I could easily be a vegetarian if I put my mind to it!

13. kev
    
    July 18th, 2008 at 12:06 pm:

    @Erin and Angi: Clearly, you are both drunk. Waterchestnuts are evil. Pure, concentrated evil.

    Some nights, I have nightmares where someone is force feeding me tuna and waterchestnuts. I usually wake up in a panic…

14. Angi
    
    July 18th, 2008 at 12:19 pm:

    Do you quickly down a Coke Zero to clear your head?

15. kev
    
    July 18th, 2008 at 2:27 pm:

    @Angi: Actually, what I do now is have some Coke Zero hooked up to an IV drip. It helps keep the horrible nightmares at bay…

16. Angi
    
    July 18th, 2008 at 4:50 pm:

    Wow, that must get expensive. I hear the price of Coke Zero is going up, just like gasoline. Must be because they’re running out of places to drill for Coke syrup.

17. kev
    
    July 18th, 2008 at 4:53 pm:

    @Angi: True, which is why I am hoping that by mentioning Coke Zero enough here on my blog, the people at Coke Zero will graciously compensate me with an unlimited supply of delicious Coke Zero.

    COKE ZERO!

18. Erin
    
    July 18th, 2008 at 5:03 pm:

    Is it that obvious? I’d better lay off.

19. Heath
    
    July 18th, 2008 at 5:33 pm:

    2Kev: I can believe you managed to tie Al Roker, Adolph Hitler and puppies all into the same paragraph. Kudos

20. Angi
    
    July 18th, 2008 at 6:19 pm:

    Ah, I see. If you get an unlimited supply, will you ask them for some of the vanilla kind too, and then share with me?

    Erin, if being drunk and loving waterchestnuts is wrong, then I don’t want to be right…

    

21. Leanne
    
    July 18th, 2008 at 9:34 pm:

    After reading your post, I vote they change the Lucky Charms commercials jingle to:

    “Frosted Lucky Charms! Chunks of clouds and cyanide are delicious!”

    I can see all the little overly happy cartoon children dancing around bowls of this stuff now. Perhaps they could also, somehow, incorporate water chestnuts.

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