I'm a cypher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kev and I own this here website.
In the comments section of a recent blog post, the notion of my becoming President of the United States began to gain momentum. Now, I’d be lying if I said this wasn’t the first time people suggested I run for President. I cannot so much as go to the grocery store without someone walking up to me, smiling and saying, “I would so totally vote for you!”
Because I am a giver, I suppose I should at least explore the idea of my someday running for President. So, for this week’s Friday Four, I am going to list four reasons I probably would be an excellent President of the United States. There will surely be many, many more reasons to follow in the future.
I was a teacher for three years, so I know how to deal with immature people.
The Senate and House of Representatives would be child’s play compared to a room full of 14 year olds. In school, half the students hate your guts. The same would be true with our partisan government.
Now, if Presidents had the power to give members of Congress detention, I’d be made in the shade…
Interns don’t do anything for me.
With me in the White House, you wouldn’t have to worry about any shenanigans ala William Jefferson Clinton. In fact, I will go so far as placing a “No Girls Allowed” sign on my office and bedroom doors.
If that doesn’t keep them away, my water gun filled with hot sauce surely will.
I would immediately declare war on France.
We’re all tired of them. Am I right? Who’s with me??
I would begin drilling for oil in Canada.
Forget Alaska, we have a large resource immediately north of us. Gas prices haven’t gotten absolutely ridiculous. And, as the resident bully in North America, we shouldn’t be afraid of hurting Canada’s feelings. We should go in, tell the Mounties to step aside, and begin drilling for oil anywhere we please.
Frankly, Canada should be grateful we didn’t called dibs on their land years ago.
And there you have it. Indisputable proof that I would make an awesome, awesome President of the United States.
So, what do YOU think of my ideas? Should I seriously consider running in 2012? Who amongst you would support me, vote for me, and tell me I’m handsome and smart? Leave a comment or two or ten!
Humor-blogs wants to be my Vice President.
;-) 7.18.08 at 12:09 pm:
I would so totally vote for you.
As Jenny and I have previously stated, we will be your campaign trail managers/fund raisers/press groupies, and get you elected for sure. How could we not? We’re amazing like that.
Also, who cares if you have no real political experience? Just show them how you’re president of SKOS and that should be good enough. Hey, it’s working for Obama, right???
Kev for President has a nice ring to it, I think.
;-) 7.18.08 at 2:15 pm:
@Angi: Thank you! It pleases me that, to date, 100% of the comments to this blog post are supportive of me becoming President. If this percentage holds, I like my chances in 2012.
Well, if you and Jenny can indeed pull that off, I will handsomely reward you both. For starters, you’d each get one of my world famous winks.
I’ve been told they are better than gold.
;-) 7.18.08 at 2:28 pm:
You could always keep yourself at a 100% approval rating in the polls by deleting comments that are in any way detrimental to your presidential race…
Ooooooooh a wink!!
Better than Chanel and Tiffany’s???
;-) 7.18.08 at 5:12 pm:
Let’s see…*re-reads last paragraph* I support you, I vote for you, and I’ll tell you I’m handsome and smart! I mean, you’re handsome and smart!
I already made the bumper stickers, so as long as I get a wink, too, I’ll start slapping them on cars everywhere.
;-) 7.18.08 at 5:29 pm:
I’d vote for you. I’m especially with you on the Canadian and French offensives. Basically, they’re both the same country, aren’t they, anyway? Let’s attack them both. Take the mayo away from the Frenchies so they don’t put it on our burgers or so I’ve heard, I don’t know because I’ve never been there and don’t want to go, and like you said, the oil from the Canucks. Sounds good to me.
;-) 7.18.08 at 5:36 pm:
2Kev: I’d most definatly vote for you. Unorthodox thinking may very well save the country. As for drilling in Canada….What about all the poor innocent creatures you would leave homeless? They could rise up against you, form a little creature posse and …you know what? Nevermind! They deserve it! Putting mayo on a burger is the 8th deadly sin
;-) 7.18.08 at 6:24 pm:
Yeah, I’d totally vote for you. But France is a really beautiful country and they were all really nice to me when I was there. They have crazy leaders though, that’s their problem. I’m all for getting oil from the Can.
;-) 7.19.08 at 3:28 am:
If you declare war on France then I’m having “Vote for Kev” t-shirts made tomorrow!
I think I’m going to steal your water gun full of hot sauce idea for when I go out tomorrow night. Nothing says “No thank you” like setting someone’s eyeballs on fire! Thanks for that tip Mr. President!
;-) 7.19.08 at 9:13 am:
If you have a wink better than Chanel couture and retail therapy at Tiffany & Co., I don’t know why you need me and Angi to get you elected! But of course you DO need us because even someone as awesome as you needs an obsequious female support staff!
And by the way, when you’ve won the White House (with the help of Angi and me, making you indebted to us forever), you can take a gentler approach. How about keeping the interns at bay by filling your water gun with your SECRET sauce? When they approach you hoping for a wink, you can use it to douse their platefuls of freedom fries.
;-) 7.19.08 at 6:50 pm:
Would Smokey be your running mate? Of course, this will just be another example of the VP being more qualified than the President.
;-) 7.21.08 at 11:16 am:
Why wait until 2012? Is it too late to be a write-in candidate for 2008?
Also, consider running as an independent in 2028. I’ll give you lots of coverage in Future Update.
;-) 7.25.08 at 9:33 am:
@ALL: Thanks for the support, everyone. (Except for you, Tim. You are clearly jealous of your older brother’s awesomeness).
I think I shall explore this further in my next Friday Four. Clearly, the people have spoken. Who am I to deny them my Presidency??
;-) 7.25.08 at 10:54 am:
[...] the overwhelmingly positive response I received when I explored the possibility of my becoming President of the United States, I decided to pray on the matter. Shortly thereafter, I received a bad blog review where I was [...]