I'm a cypher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kev and I own this here website.
After the overwhelmingly positive response I received when I explored the possibility of my becoming President of the United States, I decided to pray on the matter. Shortly thereafter, I received a bad blog review where I was accused of being boorish, cruel, smug and vain by one reader. These sound bad, but they are excellent qualities for a President to possess. Still, I clearly needed to blog about this subject a while longer before making my decision.
So, for this week’s Friday Four, I am going to list four more reasons I probably would be an excellent President of the United States. There will surely be many, many more reasons to follow in the future.
One
Since I’m not yet married, rulers of other countries will probably try to set me up with their daughters.
Mind you, I don’t say this because I think I’m a super great catch or anything. But, since I would be in a position of power, it is reasonable to expect rulers of other countries will want to “get in good” with me. And what better way for them to do that than getting me to become a member of their family?
Just imagine how much better our country’s relationship with Canada would be if I was dating the daughter or granddaughter of… whomever it is that rules Canada.
Two
I am frugal, organized and wise with money.
Our national debt is ginormous. As a country, we have more money going out than we have coming in. This simply will not do. America needs to live within its means. It needs to cut out excess spending. It needs financial peace!
It needs Dave Ramsey.
If I became President, I would require every member of Congress to enroll in Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University. These people will learn how to manage money. And every U.S. Citizen will be given a free copy of Ramsey’s book, The Total Money Makeover.
Those citizens who cannot read will be given one-way, business-class ticket to Canada. Why Canada? Because I’ll be pretending to date the ruler’s daughter or granddaughter, and he will owe me a favor.
Three
I would blog every day.
Can you imagine how enjoyable it would be to have a President who blogged every day about his life? You would be able to leave him comments, and he would visit your blog and leave you comments. Your voice would be heard. You’d be able to make a difference in the world.
Also, imagine how jealous your friends would be if the President of the United States had your website on his blogroll.
Four
I would change the driving laws so that 18 was the age where one could get their learner’s permit and 21 was the age where they could get their actual license.
Why? You know why, people. Teenagers cannot drive.
They don’t pay attention to what they are doing. They drive too fast. They don’t know how to break properly. They don’t know how to accelerate properly. They don’t know how to park. They don’t know what to do at a four-way stop. They talk on their cell phones while they drive. They text message while they drive. They play with the radio while they drive. They honk at people they know while they drive. They dress ridiculously and talk incoherently.
I know that last sentence really has nothing to do with their driving abilities, but it needed to be said.
And there you have it. Indisputable proof that I would make a wicked awesome President of the United States.
So, what do YOU think of these ideas? Should I seriously consider running for President some day? Who amongst you would support me, vote for me, and tell me I’m handsome and smart? Leave a comment or two or ten!
;-) 7.25.08 at 11:50 am:
I think your ability to mend our turbulent relationship with Canada is enough to make me vote for you.
;-) 7.25.08 at 12:01 pm:
Personally, I am a HUGE fan of #2. Can you make it illegal for people to buy unnecessary items unless all their bills are paid off first and they’re contributing a substantial amount of money to their retirement fund? Because, you know…I’m a fan of “abuse it and lose it”, so….if you abuse your money….you go to jail, and your money goes to someone who makes way less than you and will be wise with it. It makes sense to me…
#3 is pretty good too, though. But, are you advocating substance abuse? I’ve always said SKOS is like crack…
;-) 7.25.08 at 12:58 pm:
1 is good, but I hear arranged marriages have about as much happiness in them as acupuncture with fishhooks instead of needles.
2 is even better even though I would have been one of the deportees a short while ago Haha.
3 actually scares me a bit. A blog every day? A president that reads his people’s opinions without listening to middlemen is unheard of. And your blog every day may induce so much laughter that it could be dangerous.
4…gogo number 4! Could you possibly tag on a little attachment that would require the elderly to retake their drivers tests every couple years? Or am I just a cold hearted #*$&?
;-) 7.25.08 at 2:08 pm:
Just remember who you press secretary is going to be (moi), ‘k? And yes, you will recognize me bedecked in Chanel couture and ridiculous numbers of diamonds. Together we will practically outshine the sun … you with your unmitigated and finally fully-unleashed awesomeness, and me with my … uhm, twinkling abilities. By the way, does Secretary of the Interior have anything to do with decorating? Because I could do that to. Angi can help me since she’s so good with money.
Kev for President! Happy days are here again, y’all. Pass the peach cobbler.
;-) 7.25.08 at 2:08 pm:
1. Don’t rule out Australia, though. You know what troublemakers they are.
2. Not a bad idea; who could resist a business class flight?
3. Ooh, it would be completely amazing to read about the president’s life every day! And to get and receive comments from him? *speechless with excitement*
4. I play with the radio while I drive but I’m not a teenager so it’s okay, right? Right?
;-) 7.25.08 at 2:09 pm:
I meant to say “your” press secretary, ha ha! I really can spell and use proper verb tense and syntax! And drive, and manage my money, and blog and comment!
;-) 7.25.08 at 3:48 pm:
No. 4 alone won you my vote.
;-) 7.25.08 at 4:24 pm:
@Susan: I know! If I can pull that off, I’m a miracle worker! The U.S. and Canada haven’t gotten along since we stole Alanis Morrisette away from them.
@Angi: Ooooh, I like that idea. Even though I’m President, could I get some of that money??
@Heath: If I had my way, I’d be the only one allowed to drive!! But since that’s unrealistic (i.e. no one would vote for me), changing the age teenagers can drive will have to be sufficient.
@Jenny: I’m not sure what the Secretary of the Interior does exactly. But you’re more than welcome to redecorate the White House. My only request is I’d like a pool table and a plasma television in one of the rooms.
@Erin: Hmmm. Are you SURE you’re aren’t a teenager??!
@Skip: Wonderful! Thank you for your support, my friend!
;-) 7.25.08 at 4:30 pm:
*scoffs* I am most definitely not a teenager. Although people often mistake me for one because of my youthful appearance. *pats hair, glances in mirror*
;-) 7.25.08 at 4:59 pm:
I think that could be allowed. It is being taken from people who were dumb and irresponsible, after all. All we smart people should be allowed to partake in the spoils.
;-) 7.25.08 at 11:06 pm:
Uh, who DOES rule Canada? LOL
;-) 7.26.08 at 3:37 pm:
Well if you were the only one allowed to drive. That might help the allegid “Ozone” problems