Today’s installment of Dear Reader goes out to my new best friend from Baton Rouge, Louisiana. At 2:03 am EST on July 28, 2008, this special visitor stumbled upon this site after typing the following into a search engine:

“can i get 360 billion in singles”

A big thanks to Google for referring this very wealthy individual, who I hope will show his gratitude for the advice I’m about to give by putting me in his will.

Dear Reader,

Thank you for visiting my site. As one would expect from a person of your upbringing and immense wealth, you demand the best life has to offer. You drive only the finest cars, you wear only the finest clothes, you drink only the finest beverages (i.e. Coke Zero), and you read only the finest blogs.

I don’t believe it’s an exaggeration in the least for me to say you could not have possibly come to a better place for assistance with your question. I am at your service.

But first, an obvious question of my own:

Why do you need $360 billion in singles??

I don’t mean to pry, but your reasoning is needed so I can know what advice to give you.

Are you planning on going to a strip club? I have never been to such an establishment, but I’m not going to rain on your parade if you believe it’s a worthwhile place to spend your time. That said, I think you might be tipping the “ladies” a tad too much.

Are you going to Vegas to play dollar slot machines? If so, I take it you have a gambling problem. That’s too bad, man. I’m sorry. I really, really wish there was something I could do to help.

Wait, I just remembered. Every Friday night I host a meeting for gambling addicts at my home. Sometimes, just to prove we have beaten our addiction, we play poker. If you’d like to come by, I think we could fit you in at our table. Just be sure to bring a drink with you (Coke Zero, preferably), a snack to eat (pretzels will be fine), and your $360 billion. We’ll have lots of fun. Promise.

Did your girlfriend break up with you and you’re trying to win her back by showing up at her front door and burning your money — $1 at a time — to show her you’ve changed? Take it from me, my friend, you cannot argue your way out of “dumped.” Oh sure, I suppose you CAN, but do you really want to? Why would you want to be with someone who needs convincing in order to be with you?

My friend, there are too many girls in the world to waste your time obsessing about the one that got away. Even if you were the one to blame for the breakup, don’t give her the satisfaction. Meet someone new. Visit a country in Europe. Read the archives here at SKOS. Whatever you do, don’t burn your money. If you want to get rid of it, give it to me. I’ll leave work and drive to Baton Rouge right this minute. I’m serious.

Has someone kidnapped a loved one and demanded $360 billion in ransom money? First of all, I’m sorry for your loss. I hope you’re able to get your loved one back as soon as humanly possible. Secondly, that’s a very good decision to search Google for ideas rather than contact the authorities. You definitely don’t want to get the authorities involved. Thirdly, do you have any idea how big a suitcase you would need if you had $360 billion singles? At the very least, get the cash in tens or twenties. Fourthly and finally, if I don’t get the money within 24 hours, you’ll never see your pet hamster again.

I hope this helps, my new best friend. I know I didn’t ACTUALLY answer your question, but that’s simply because I’m not a banker and have no clue if it’s actually possible to have that much money in singles. I could ask a banker for you, if you want?

All I ask for in return is $1 billion.

Kev

Can any of you think of some other scenarios where my new best friend might need $360 billion in singles? If so, leave a comment or two or ten. Just don’t be believing that you’re going to get your dirty hands on my friend’s money. Stay away, you jackals. I found him first!