I'm a cypher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kev and I own this here website.
The following is a guest post from my longest-tenured reader, Angi. You might remember her from one of the million or so comments she’s left me, or from her previous Cats Love Special Kind of Stupid guest post. Or, maybe you’ve seen her on Court TV. Be sure to check out her wonderful blog, Of Tongue and Pen.
A few weeks ago, I was invited by a friend of mine to go play tennis one afternoon after work. Although tennis is, by far, not my favorite sport to play, I conceded that I could use the exercise. If nothing else, I reasoned, it would keep my arm in shape for racquetball (a sport I actually do enjoy playing).
Tennis Day came and, as has become quite the norm for yours truly the last decade or so, I had a headache. Not just any headache, either – it was a full blown migraine. It was the kind of headache where if anyone drops a pin within a mile of me, I can hear it, and it makes me want to scream bloody murder. The kind of headache where any amount of light makes me want to dig my eyeballs out with a dull butter knife. The kind of headache where the only cure is to knock myself out with enough medication to numb the entire country of China, and hope I wake up with it (at least mostly!) gone. And yes, I know I need to see a doctor, thank you very much.
Suffice it to say, no way on God’s green earth was I about to go out in the sweltering sun to run around a tennis court swatting at an elusive little neon sphere. So, I e-mailed my friend at work, apologized profusely, told him the situation, and prayed he would understand (for any of you who are plagued with migraines, you’ll know that sometimes it can be difficult to get people to believe you, let alone understand that you’re in some serious pain).
A short time later, I received a very nice e-mail back, explaining that he understood, and to feel better. But it was the last sentence in his e-mail that got me thinking. And I quote…
“At least you have a real reason to flake, and not some silly fake girl reason.”
“Silly fake girl reason?” I thought to myself. “What exactly does THAT mean?”
As a rule, I don’t exactly consider myself to be your stereotypical girl. I am a girl, of course, and I love being one…but I don’t care for pink. I hate drama. I don’t care for shopping. I don’t believe in PMS. Puppies are only cute when they’re not mine! The list goes on, but you get the point. So, I began to wonder to myself…what exactly is considered to be a silly, fake girl excuse for not having to do something? The following list is some of the things I came up with.
“I have to wash my hair tonight.”
“My cats can’t be alone for that long.”
“My toenails are in some desperate need of polishing.”
“I have to go shoe shopping.”
“I have cramps.”
“There’s a new movie on Lifetime that I’ve been waiting forever to see.”
“I like you, but I don’t LIKE-like you.”
“I’d hate to lose you as a friend.”
“I think I left a candle burning in my bathroom.”
“I need to check the expiration dates on the food in my fridge.”
“It’s been 3 weeks, I really need to go home and shave.”
“My flowers need watering.”
“The new issue of Cosmo just came out, and I have to go pick it up before they sell out.”
“The Oxygen channel is doing a special on domestic violence tonight that I really want to see.”
“I don’t have anything to wear.”
How about all of you? What are some “silly girl reasons” or other stupid excuses you can come up with (or have heard) to get out of doing something you don’t want to do? Even better, what are some stupid excuses you’ve actually USED before?
;-) 7.30.08 at 10:02 am:
Here are a few:
“Beaches is about to come on TV. I never miss it!”
“Hobby Lobby has a sale on glitter!”
“It’s been 10 weeks, I really need to go home and shave.”
;-) 7.30.08 at 2:28 pm:
Uhm …
“Sorry but the sad truth is that I’d rather look at one Johnny Depp — even via DVD — than ten of you (if this were the twilight zone and that were suddenly possible), in person.”
“I have not blasted my wireless keyboard with that bitter-tasting air-compression can thingie I got at Staples in longer than I can remember, and the crumbs are really starting to build up.”
“I’ve been promising myself to re-read War and Peace since the fourth grade, and this is the night.”
“I must de-lint my clothes dryer and my hair dryer before either my hair or my clothes catch on fire.”
;-) 7.30.08 at 2:31 pm:
Kev :: Oooooooo glitter. I love glitter. I’m considering actually coating as many of my clothes as possible in said glitter. I like to sparkle on the outside as well as inside. (But would you believe I’ve never in my life seen Beaches?)
Jenny :: HAHA – all of them hilarious, but I especially love #2. Speaking of which, I really do need to do that to my work keyboard…;)
;-) 7.30.08 at 2:43 pm:
“I need to catch up on my beauty sleep.”
I would come up with a better one, but I really DO need to catch up on my beauty sleep. Haha.
;-) 7.30.08 at 2:44 pm:
Oh, also… you don’t believe in PMS?!?!? Seriously?!?
;-) 7.30.08 at 2:45 pm:
I overheard one of my more annoying co-workers asking another out last friday night. Her response was:
“I’m sorry, I’m overdue to shoot myself in the kidney with a staple gun”
Too much? I mean the guy’s a jerk but ouch
;-) 7.30.08 at 2:48 pm:
Allison :: Nooope. I think hormones are real, but I think “PMS” was created as an excuse to be horrible to people for a few days each month.
;-) 7.30.08 at 3:05 pm:
@Angi: I never thought I’d have to say this to another woman, but…
Please, please, please, PLEASE…don’t cover yourself in glitter. Anyone who comes into contact with you will still be finding glitter on their person decades from now.
;-) 7.30.08 at 3:12 pm:
Kev :: OK. Fine. Just for you. How do you feel about sequins?
;-) 7.30.08 at 3:23 pm:
Wow! I’ve never heard of anyone (especially a female) not believing in PMS. I won’t exhibit my nerdiness by going all sciencey, but I can say that whatever it is (real, or just an excuse) I’m suffering SEVERELY from it as we speak! (Hmm… TMI for the internet? Oh well).
P.S. I’m not really a fan of pink, either. Hmm, you wouldn’t be able to tell that by looking at my xanga, though. Why DO I have pink on my xanga? I should go change that. Haha.
;-) 7.30.08 at 3:25 pm:
@Angi: THANK YOU. Sequins? Um…do those fall off and get all over your person?
@Allison: My eyes are now bleeding. Thank you for that. (j/k)
;-) 7.30.08 at 3:30 pm:
Allison :: Haha…well, I can tell you that I DEFINITELY feel worse around “that time”, I just refuse to take it out on people and blame it on “PMS”. Hence…I just say I don’t believe in PMS.
Hooray!! Another girl who isn’t a huge fan of pink. We should start a club. And have jackets. Non-pink ones.
Kev :: No, but they sparkle! And since I’m such a girly girl, I loooooove sparkly things! The sparklier the better. Pink sparkles…well, that’s just like heaven. Ignore that comment I just made to Allison……
;-) 7.31.08 at 10:48 am:
I really like the new goldfish photo. Whoever made it is a master of comedy, and an absolute whiz at photo editing.
;-) 7.31.08 at 11:04 am:
Kev :: No joke!!! Master of comedy, wizard of photo editing, king of creativity, ruler of wit…but I’m glad whoever it is isn’t letting it go to their head.
;-) 7.31.08 at 12:45 pm:
Duh…
I’ve been sitting with this screen up for…I don’t know…12 minutes and I can’t think of any excuses. This could mean one of two things.
1. I never make excuses (not true)
2. My excuses are really lame and not worth posting.
I incorporate pink into my wardrobe when necessary and appropriate, i.e. sparingly.
You can play tennis? Cool points for you! I wish I had learned to play tennis at some point. I think it’s very cool even though I don’t get the scoring. And who doesn’t like the Roger Federer/Rafael Nadal dynamic?
JennyPenny’s number two cracked me up. How do you know it tastes bitter? Mine is from OfficeMax, I wonder if it tastes the same?
;-) 7.31.08 at 12:55 pm:
Girl I know it tastes bitter because if you get even a little itty bitty bit of it on your fingers and then stick said digits into your mouth by accident (or on purpose), even if you are wearing pink glitter (which by the way I do often), you will taste the bitter. BITTER BITTER BITTER!!!! UGH! AWFUL!
BTW I went to do this (clean my wireless keyboard) with the bitter stuff this morning — AND I remembered to put on rubber gloves — but then I couldn’t find the can of bitter air compression stuff. So after walking around the house for ten minutes wearing rubber gloves and carrying my crumb-filled wireless keyboard, I gave up. I need me one of those Staples easy buttons so I can get that task done with more ease.
And don’t do it (try to bitterly clean your wireless keyboard, that is) while your computer is on because if you do, you’ll come back to your screen and it’ll say .kdjfa;lksdfja;lsdkfja;f fjalksdfj; jads;lfkjadsf;lkj fdjfeir9p32q40[342p8′soapjprpfppq9wj8j5jrjfd auf;qjwej9jpjrj7j8jujq[0jv/.,zjvjmj/;sdoj9ugf9q[we9p78qwu afs9asurf9qp0w9trqw[0t78t1[-t89uadpsjtvta/t;eltj
1[q20jtjufq’pjfojdjvjhasldvuja’ftpjujq’wtuadjvsaf
ajf;oau;gj
;-) 7.31.08 at 2:37 pm:
Haha! The best part of the comment from the keyboard cleaning is that the word “soap” managed to pop in.
;-) 7.31.08 at 2:43 pm:
Erin :: Well…I don’t know if you could classify what I do as “playing” tennis…it’s more like working up a major sweat just trying to make it to the ball in time to hit it back across the net. I hit more home runs in tennis than I do in softball, sadly!!
And that’s hilarious that you found “soap”. All I found was “auf”. I just assumed the “wiedersehn” was a little too spread out to hit accidentally!
Jenny :: You would think all that fabulous pink glitter would make the air-in-a-can taste better!! You know what I hate the most about that canned stuff…if you spray it really close to your skin, it’s FREEZING and it HURTS!!!! Don’t ever let someone who has a grudge against you get ahold of that stuff anywhere in your immediate vicinity…
;-) 7.31.08 at 3:12 pm:
Uh, that would be wiedersehen. I am an embarrassment to my German roots. *hangs head*
;-) 7.31.08 at 3:24 pm:
@Angi: You’re German? Hey, did you know the U.S. beat Germany in WWII? It’s true.
;-) 7.31.08 at 3:28 pm:
Kev :: You’re suprised by this admission, given that you know my last name?? And yes, I did know that. That’s why I’m proud to be…..1/2 American. Heil Hi…..uh, President Bush!
;-) 7.31.08 at 4:52 pm:
Angi, I did see auf but I thought maybe it couldn’t count since it’s German. Ja is in there too, if two letter words count. It’s a good thing you caught your mistake on wiedersehen because I was totally going to smugly point it out to you. No I wasn’t, I’m not that mean.
Kev, how do you know so much? I had no idea that the U.S. and Germany had ever been at odds in either of their illustrious histories. I mean, we both use the word “kindergarden”, even if the Germans spell it wrong. Maybe that’s what we were fighting about?
;-) 7.31.08 at 5:04 pm:
Erin :: Oooh good catch. I just found “surf” and “has”. Apparently we have quite the bilingual mess of letters. Thanks, Jenny, for providing us with a nice break from our day jobs!
;-) 7.31.08 at 9:39 pm:
(pssst! Erin: it’s “Kindergarten”.)
There. Not too smug, I trust
;-) 7.31.08 at 9:42 pm:
And I mean that American schools spell it the same way as the Germans…
;-) 8.1.08 at 12:43 pm:
Steve, haha, yeah. I actually realized my mistake as a bolt of lightning sometime after dinner last night. I was totally hoping to beat everyone back here and correct myself. *sigh* Oh well. Thanks for the correction. I’m still embarrassed.
;-) 8.1.08 at 12:44 pm:
Incidentally, I did fabulously in my high school German AND English classes, really, I did. I even graduated.
;-) 8.2.08 at 5:15 am:
I’ve used laundry as an excuse (MANY times) as well as washing my dogs, my car, my neighbors car, my neighbor… Anything having to do with washing something. Works every time. Until someone I know reads this and then I’m in trouble.
;-) 8.2.08 at 6:45 am:
Corrina :: I will cross my fingers for you that nobody ever reads this and thinks to themselves, “Hey…one time I asked Corrina to do XYZ and she said she had to do laundry!!! What the heck!!!?” I need to know, though – how did you pull off washing your CAR as an excuse and not have someone see through it??
;-) 9.19.08 at 10:43 pm:
” It was the kind of headache where if anyone drops a pin within a mile of me, I can hear it, and it makes me want to scream bloody murder[...] where the only cure is to knock myself out with enough medication to numb the entire country of China, and hope I wake up with it (at least mostly!) gone.”
I’m slightly confused.
If a pin makes you want to scream bloody murder, what will your even louder scream of bloody murder make you want to do?
Also, is the hope of waking up mainly for the headache being gone or that the amount of medication you took didn’t keep you from ever waking up again?
—————————–
My excuse is usually that I’m deathly ill, but it’s so uncommon. I only get this illness once every few years and somehow it just happened to be on the day before this important day.
;-) 11.4.08 at 12:15 pm:
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