This past weekend, I wrote a guest blog post for a friend of mine. It was hilarious.

However, I fear it might have tarnished my image. You see, I used this guest post as an opportunity to write about something I’ve long wanted to ridicule, but didn’t want to tackle here at SKOS due to its questionable content. Luckily, my friend also loathed the subject of my ridicule: Cosmo Magazine (and those like it).

So, why am I afraid ridiculing Cosmo has tarnished my image? Well, because people think I actually read the dirty thing. A few excerpts from my blog post:

To help give me insight into the minds of women, I decided to buy some girly magazines.

…

As luck would have it, the first magazine I looked at had the adorable Kristen Bell on the cover. It was a Cosmo magazine.

…

Two minutes later, my eyes began to bleed. What I found within those pages shook me to my very core.

…

Cosmo took the small, innocent boy within me outside behind the barn and shot him dead.

I’m not sure why it surprised me to discover people actually thought I read Cosmo. When you say you did something, people tend to believe you actually did it! People are funny like that.

Why does it matter? Because I don’t want people (i.e. moms of single girls) to think I’m not a nice guy!

Hear me now, good readers. I did not read Cosmo. My innocence was not shattered. As my friend Steve once wrote about me, what you read was simply another example of my “comedic persona.” When I write, I often make things up in order to be funny. However, behind it all is a nice guy who just sometimes doesn’t know how to control his own wit.

My open-letter to lazy parents telling them to teach their children proper etiquette wasn’t an example of my being condescending and boorish as much as it was a glance into how I was raised to behave. To this day, I still say please, thank you, yes sir, no sir, yes ma’am and no ma’am in everyday conversation. And I still hold doors open for people, regardless of age or gender.

My fake news story outlining how many Americans will complain about their financial situation one minute and then buy something they don’t need the next minute wasn’t mean spirited. It was simply a comedic way of expressing how I believe in frugality, budgeting, and avoiding impulse purchases. If you’re into those three things, economic recessions don’t tend to hurt as much.

When I wrote I actually look good when I sneeze I wasn’t being smug or vain. I was being self deprecating. Mind you, I don’t dislike how I look. But the only time my name and Brad Pitt’s name will REALLY be used in the same headline is if I punch him in the face for talking about Fight Club. And even then the headline would probably be something like, “Less Handsome Man Punches Brad Pitt for Being More Handsome.”

When I write about Keanu Reeves being a horrible actor or Paris Hilton being a prime example of what’s wrong with today’s society, it’s not because… Actually, those are bad examples. I totally believe Keanu Reeves is a bad actor and Paris Hilton is useless. Totally.

Finally, when I write a guest blog for another site that talks about how I read a Cosmo Magazine, it doesn’t mean I really read a Cosmo Magazine. It just means I used fiction in order to express my belief that magazines of that nature aren’t good for people (especially if said people are nice guys).

You all get the idea, I hope.

Kevin = Nice Guy

It’s math so simple, even Keanu and Paris can understand it.

Humor-blogs believed nice guys finish last until I roundhouse kicked it to the face and took its lunch money.