That’s when I thought to myself, “it must be the shower bandit!”
- John the Moron

For a variety of reasons, I did not enjoy the experience of living in a college dorm. My psychotic roommate was one reason, but the following idiotic story is another.

During my freshman year, the male dorms at my college were being terrorized by someone dubbed “The Shower Bandit.” The bandit, a guy, would sneak into the community showers, sneak a peek, and then run away. The college newspaper would actually report “bandit” sightings on campus. Some said he was simply an urban legend. Personally, I thought the odds were pretty good the bandit and my roommate were one and the same, but that’s a story for another time.

Then one day the shower bandit was caught. By the grace of God, I was visiting home the weekend it happened. I say this because the events surrounding his capture took place in the hallway of my dorm, approximately twenty yards from my room. The Monday morning after I returned, I picked up the day’s edition of our college newspaper. There, on the front page no less, was the story detailing the bandit’s capture.

It was the most ridiculous story I have ever read in my life.

A guy who lived down the hall from me, let’s call him John, was taking a shower. In the newspaper story, John explains that everything was proceeding as usual when he heard someone enter the bathroom. At first, John said, he didn’t think anything of it. It was probably just one of the other fifty guys that share this bathroom.

However, about a minute later, John explains that someone brushed up against his shower curtain. A few seconds later, the person left the bathroom. Quick on his feet, John came to the only logical conclusion one could make it such a situation:

“That’s when I thought to myself,” John was quoted as saying, “it must be the shower bandit!”

John did not waste any time.

The newspaper story says he hopped out of the shower and ran outside to confront the stranger. That’s right, John was much too determined to bother with something as simple as putting on a towel to cover himself. He had much more important things to worry about. Once in the hallway, John saw a guy walking in the opposite direction. Was this even the same guy? Maybe. Who knows.

John ran right up to the stranger and began yelling at him. In between yells, John asked him what he was doing. The stranger responded that he was visiting a friend. In the newspaper story, John then pointed out how nervous the guy was acting. You think, John? If I was walking along minding my own business when a wet, naked guy came running up and yelled at me, I might act nervous, too.

John then asked the stranger who he was visiting, and the stranger responded by pointing to a door. It was John’s door. Despite the fact John shares his dorm with someone and the stranger could have been a friend of John’s roommate, John took this as proof he was the shower bandit. He began yelling, “it’s the shower bandit” over and over.

The stranger ran for the exit. It was a smart thing to do considering twenty guys had just bolted from their dorms, some of them carrying bats and golf clubs. A high-speed car chase then began. The stranger was chased all over campus by about ten different vehicles. He narrowly escaped, but not before someone had written down his license plate number.

The stranger was later arrested and put in a police lineup. The cops had a perfect witness. He was cool under pressure and didn’t possess even the slightest bit of modesty.

John was able to pick out the suspect right away. He told the newspaper it was easy because everyone in the lineup wore a t-shirt except for one guy who was wearing a polo shirt. John explained that the stranger he met in the hallway was wearing preppy clothes, and the only person in the police lineup dressed preppy was the guy in the polo shirt.

John was a moron.

Addendum:

There was something not mentioned in the newspaper article I’ve always wondered about. After “alerting the troops,” what was John doing during the high-speed chase?

I mean, he was naked, in the middle of the hallway, soaking wet. Twenty guys came running out of their dorms with bats, golf clubs and whatever blunt object they had handy. Did John just stand there admiring the chaos he started, or did he follow the mob?

If the latter, does that mean he was inside one of those cars? If yes, he couldn’t very well have been driving his own car because he had no keys on his person (or at least I hope he didn’t). That means he was a passenger in someone else’s car.

Which begs the question: What idiot allowed a wet, naked John to sit in his car?

The above is a slightly modified repost of a post that originally debuted at my old blog on July 13, 2005. It is completely, 100% true. And yes, that also makes it 100% sad.