I'm a cypher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kev and I own this here website.
Today, boys and girls, I’m going to tell you the story of The Sad Little Blog.
Once upon a time, there was a blog who had lots of visitors. These visitors would leave all sorts of wonderful comments. The blog loved having so many friends. It made him so very happy.
Every day, the blog would skip to work. He would sing “la la la” the entire way. If he came across a bug on the sidewalk, he would grant the bug a quick, merciful death. If a hobo asked the blog for spare change, he would smile as he skipped on by without saying a word.
But then, one day, inexplicably, the visitors stopped visiting. The blog was suddenly alone. This made him so very sad.
“Where did all my friends go,” the blog wondered as he curled into a ball in the corner of his bedroom and sobbed uncontrollably.
The blog stopped eating. He stopped sleeping. His hopes and dreams were replaced by sadness and despair. He stopped showering, shaving or cleaning his ears. The blog had reached bottom.
That’s when he decided to make everyone pay for shunning him!
…TO BE CONTINUED…
Wasn’t that an exciting story, boys and girls? And it makes an excellent segue into this week’s Friday Four!
For this week’s Friday Four, I am going to list four possible reasons SKOS has begun to resemble the shopping mall in your hometown that everyone used to visit before they built the new one.
One
I Have Lost My Mojo
Personally, I don’t think I’ve written anything funny or interesting since sometime in 2006, but I digress.
Writer’s block happens to the best of us. It’s entirely possible my writing hasn’t been up to snuff lately. I mean, did anyone read my Dear Moms of the World… post and NOT think it was a desperate attempt to be liked?
It’s certainly clear I’m having difficulty thinking of ideas since I’ve re-posted two posts from my archives (The Shower Bandit and Prince Attacked, Assailant Still at Large) in the past couple weeks and I’ve started a weekly Ask Kev blog series that reeks of mediocrity and sadness.
Maybe THIS is why people have started to shun me? Maybe I’ve lost the funny.
Two
Everyone Has Olympic Fever
Did you know the Summer Olympics are going on right now in China? I sure didn’t. I haven’t paid attention to the Olympics since Tonya Harding beat every competitor and judge with a crowbar at the 1992 games. I figured the Olympics could never top that, so why continue to watch.
But anyway, perhaps my readers are too busy watching the Olympics to visit SKOS? You’d like to think people would have their priorities in proper order, but not everyone does.
Three
People are Afraid I Might Interview Them
After my ridiculously long interview with Angi, it’s possible the rest of my readers went into hiding.
Upon witnessing the hard-hitting questions I tend to ask (Example: “Capri pants. Thumbs up or thumbs down?”), no one else was willing to endure the same kind of abuse. And so, they stopped visiting.
Four
Internet Privileges Revoked
Since approximately 94% of my readers are criminals, Internet access can be a sporadic thing. Those readers on the run from the law might be at a safe house without Internet access. Readers recently arrested might not be able to get their daily SKOS fix while standing trial. And it’s quite possible some readers currently in prison have had their Internet privileges revoked for laughing too hard.
Add all that up and a huge chunk of my readership is MIA.
And there you have it. Four theories attempting to explain what the heck happened to all my readers.
So, what do YOU think happened to my readers? I’m asking, of course, the two of you still here. What are your theories? Let’s discuss this amongst ourselves, shall we?
;-) 8.15.08 at 2:25 pm:
Po’ wittle bwog…hmmmm.
Perhaps they all got tired of being shown up by your hilarity?
Perhaps they’re all cramming in a last minute summer vacation with no internet access?
Perhaps you quit paying them to visit?
;-) 8.15.08 at 5:50 pm:
I vote for the last reason. They all still love you. But, have you seen 24? Picture Jack Bauer calling Chloe, desperately asking for her to hack into a top secret database, and, while people shoot at him from behind strategically parked cars, he says, “Oh, hey, Chloe, can you check out SKOS while I’ve got you on the line? And then can you read it aloud over the phone while I dodge these bullets? Thanks, you’re a love.”
You see my point.
Give them time, they’re just distracted. 94% of my readers are people who are actually trying to take over the world (which makes for some scary emails), so I can relate. Who has time for their Google Reader when they’re living in the rain forest, catching dinner with their machete? Don’t give up hope – they’ll either take on new identities, and settle down in the suburbs, or get shot, with their dying words, “Guest post about this… on SKOS… argglglggghhhh.”
On a serious note, have you decreased your commenting on other people’s blogs, or stopped contributing to an online network that you’ve been part of in the past? Maintaining your reader list takes time and a continual presence, not only on your own blog, but in other people’s spaces as well.
;-) 8.15.08 at 7:45 pm:
Here, I’ll leave you another one.
Maybe it’s a virus, maybe someone hacked your site and made it so that your new posts never show up on other people’s computers. Maybe most of your readers think you really HAVEN’T written anything new since sometime in ‘06!
Or maybe it’s because Feedburner doesn’t send out e-mail alerts until 24-36 hours after you’ve posted something?
Or perhaps someone put out a fluke movie called “SKOS is Dead” and everyone went into mourning – you were played Pauly Shore.
;-) 8.15.08 at 8:38 pm:
Though I cannot really contribute a reason as to why you’ve lost readers, I will say that you gained little ol’ me about 2 months ago. I did a search on google because I had ants in my friggin’ car. Found your blog, thought it was funny, and now come back to it everyday to see what else you’ve posted (I don’t like Google Reader, for some reason).
Maybe everyone else just sucks–they do not appreciate your awesome-ness.
;-) 8.15.08 at 10:44 pm:
You have a blog?
No, seriously. You have a blog? Next thing you know, you’ll be claiming that I have a blog. Silly guy.
;-) 8.16.08 at 1:15 pm:
I’m with Kate … you now have me … but as I am the guilt-ridden sort, I figure it’s my fault you’ve lost some of your fan base.
Sorry mate.
I’m not much but at least I’m NOT all you’ve got. Good news is, I’m nothing if not loyal. I love SKOS with a passion. If you blogged every day, I would read every day. You are truly funny. Your Number Two reason up there made me laugh out loud.
(You can always tell yourself what I tell myself when largely ignored — which is most of the time — to wit: “They’re just jealous.”)
But please don’t resort to potty humor or I’m outta here.
;-) 8.16.08 at 4:51 pm:
Instead of considering them reposted archived content, think of them as a special “best of…” Believe me, you haven’t jumped the shark by a long shot. Probably just the August slump – people are on vacation, watching the Olympics, etc., etc. You still got your mojo.
;-) 8.18.08 at 12:22 pm:
It’s great that the Sad Little Blog doesn’t make bugs suffer and smiles at the homeless as he passes them by. So sweet!
On capri pants (for men): thumbs up if you’re Rafael Nadal, thumbs down if you’re not.
I have no idea why people aren’t reading. What? That was no help at all? Too bad.
;-) 8.18.08 at 1:46 pm:
Thanks for the feedback, everyone! I still think my “94% are criminals” theory is pretty spot on…
;-) 8.18.08 at 6:05 pm:
Well since my blog has been crapping out me and the Internet haven’t been getting along. But we’re on the mend (read: “I am reinstalling wordpress and my stupid blog better work again…dang it!”).
;-) 8.19.08 at 12:26 am:
My excuses: 1.) My computer has Herpes. 2.) I HAD Olympic Fever but now that Mr. Phelps has done his thang… I’m back to normal. Well, as normal as I’ve ever been anyway….
In my opinion: 1.) You are still awesomely funny. 2.) You always have Angie, and 3.) I quite enjoyed your interview/novel about her.