I'm a cypher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kev and I own this here website.
For a little over two weeks now, my left ear hasn’t been right. I attributed it to allergies, which I get from time to time, but in recent days I’ve become worried it might be an inner-ear infection. Yesterday, a friend researched my symptoms at WebMD. What did she discover? I have Swimmer’s Ear.
I had never before considered Swimmer’s Ear as my ailment for one simple, logical reason: I don’t swim. To give you an idea how long it’s been since I last swam:
- Tom Cruise hadn’t yet gone insane.
- The rapper Bow Wow was still known as “Lil Bow Wow.”
- Bill Clinton hadn’t yet pondered the true meaning of the word “is.”
- No one had ever heard of Paris Hilton, and ignorance truly was bliss.
However, just like you don’t have to play tennis to get Tennis Elbow, be an athlete to get Athlete’s Foot, or be named Lou Gehrig to get Lou Gehrig’s Disease; apparently you don’t have to be a swimmer in order to get Swimmer’s Ear.
Who knew?
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For this week’s Friday Four, I am going to list four diseases or ailments that would really shock me if I got them. That’s right, today I am going all medical on your gluteus maximuses. Read and learn, people.
Chickenpox
I came down with Chickenpox when I was in the third grade, and according to WebMD people who have had it “almost always” develop a lifetime immunity.
The “almost always” caveat worries me a little bit, but I still would be shocked if I woke up one day and discovered I had Chickenpox. Geesh, I’m starting to itch just thinking about it…
A STD
Unless it’s possible to get a sexually transmitted disease by a toilet seat, shaking someone’s hand, or having to see Lindsey Lohan on the cover of a magazine at the grocery store; I am safe.
Of course, if it IS possible get it from magazine covers and the like, I’m afraid the numerous Christina Aguilera music videos over the years have already infected most of society.
Morning Sickness
For reasons hopefully obvious to anyone who knows I am a guy, it would REALLY shock me if a doctor told me I was suffering from morning sickness.
Of course, if I do ever get it, I’ll make the best of the situation. I could eat all I want and not have to worry gaining weight. Silver lining, people. Silver lining.
Pink Eye
As a straight male, I dislike the color pink. My body knows this. So, if I was to ever come down with Pink Eye, it would really surprise me.
What would be next? My foot beginning to tap on its own when an Abba or Clay Aiken song plays on the radio? My hair growing blond highlights all on its own? The words “that is so fabulous” leaving my mouth whenever something good happens?
And there you have it. Four ailments or diseases that would really, really surprise me if I ever came down with them.
So, what disease or ailment would it really shock YOU to have? If that topic doesn’t strike your fancy (Wait, did I just say strike your fancy? That is so not fabulous), what are some tips for Swimmer’s Ear? WebMD suggests putting warm saline solution or a vinegar-water mixture into your ear. Does that sound right, or has WebMD been smokin’ the ganja?
As always, please feel free to leave a comment or two or ten.
;-) 8.22.08 at 3:44 pm:
I swam a couple of years in high school and my friend had to use these special eardrops to prevent Swimmer’s Ear or something. Actually, I was the one who had to put in the ear drops because she couldn’t see what she was doing. It still makes my eyes water thinking about it because I had to fill up her ear completely full of ear drops. It seemed like it would be really uncomfortable but she said it wasn’t. I didn’t believe it then and I don’t believe it now. The point of that long story is that there are probably magical ear drops that will fix your ear and no, I couldn’t have just said that and left out the story.
Or, ask Michael Phelps for ideas.
I would be amazed if I ever came down with a broken bone. I hate bones and broken bones are particularly icky. Therefore, I DO NOT want a broken bone and should not have to deal with one.
Also, I probably won’t get diabetes because I’d rather not have to give up quaffing 32 ounces of Coke on a regular basis. Diabetes would spoil my day.
;-) 8.22.08 at 3:54 pm:
I would be shocked if I ever came down with Tourette’s. Cursing is not my thing, cursing in public is REALLY not my thing, and I would die of embarrassment if I ever cursed in front of important people.
Can’t you see it? I’m meeting the President of the United States….”Nice to meet you, sir, @#$(@#$&(*&$!!!!!!!!”
Oh I would die…
;-) 8.22.08 at 4:12 pm:
@Erin: I’m confused. Your friend needed help putting ear drops in her ears because she couldn’t see what she was doing? Do you really need to SEE your ears in order to put ear drops in? I mean, I can comb the back of the hair on my head without seeing it…
You should give Coke Zero a try. It has all the awesomeness of regular Coke, but without the sugar that darn ol’ Mr. Diabetes loves so much.
@Angi: I considered putting Tourette’s on the list, but ultimately decided Pink Eye would be a much worse ailment.
You know I don’t use profanity, but I MIGHT just reconsider if Obama is elected and I ever met him. I’d play it off like I had Tourette’s, but in reality I’d simply be venting…
;-) 8.22.08 at 4:20 pm:
Ooooooh not a bad idea. FAKE Tourette’s, only in certain circumstances. Now, question is, is it possible to fake Pink Eye to get out of a work, or a date?
;-) 8.22.08 at 8:45 pm:
I’m pretty sure I’d be shocked if I had jock itch.
;-) 8.22.08 at 11:04 pm:
1. WebMD is not smoking the ganja with the whole vinegar mixture. I had a boyfriend who swore by his homemade stinky vinegar solution for avoiding ear infections. Note that any chance of you getting an STD will plummet to negative 5,000% if you go out in public after using said vinegar solution. Blech!
2. I’m not going to mention any diseases/ailments because I’m worried that the universe will visit them upon me (silly? yes. pragmatic? perhaps). In the same way, be careful with the chicken pox thing. My mom and my sister have had shingles in the last 3 years. They both had the pox when they were little. Those shingles are some bad mamajamas.
Man, I’m such a downer.
;-) 8.23.08 at 1:27 pm:
I would have to say that I would be very surprised if I came down with leprosy. Although, apparently, it’s not as uncommon as you’d think. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leprosy
Also, the bends, or decompression sickness. This is because I tend to avoid being in pressure-sensitive places where you suffocate if the box you’re sitting in springs a leak. Small quirk of mine.
On that note, until your ears are back to normal, don’t get on an airplane. Earaches + pressure = bad. I’m not sure about swimmer’s ear, but I’d rather not risk it, since, like lack of oxygen, pain is generally a good thing to stay away from.
;-) 8.24.08 at 9:21 pm:
I’m fairly confident I will never be diagnosed with prostate cancer. I count my blessings daily.
;-) 8.25.08 at 12:11 pm:
You’re right. Most people can put eardrops in their own ears but my friend couldn’t do it; the drops ended up all over the side of her head. Also, it wasn’t just two or three drops. She had to fill up the entire ear canal with liquid–aah, I’m freaking out again–but couldn’t tell when her ear was completely full. Or she thought my horror was really funny and only pretended she couldn’t tell. Who knows.
Here’s is why I haven’t switched to Coke Zero:
1. I can only get it from a can. I don’t like canned pop, only fountain drinks. And no, pouring a can over ice is not the same, not even close. Okay, it’s close, but not close enough.
2. I’m suspicious about the taste. I don’t believe that it could taste like real Coke. Someone once told me that it’s a little flatter than regular Coke and instead of finding out for myself I just took his word for it. That’s called laziness.
So, would you say is the taste closer to regular Coke or Diet Coke? Remember, based on #2, you can say whatever you want and I’ll just take your word for it.
;-) 8.25.08 at 1:27 pm:
I TOLD YOU IT WAS FLAT!!!
Thank you, Erin, for reinforcing a previous statement of mine.
;-) 8.25.08 at 2:25 pm:
@Erin – The couple times I’ve tried Coke Zero, it’s tasted remarkably like Coke (I remember being impressed the first time I tried it). However, I’m not a big Coke/Pepsi drinker to begin with, so I don’t have too much experience in that area.
I would be very surprised if I came down with scurvy. Almost everything contains vitamin C and/or calcium these days. Even things that wouldn’t naturally (like the Calcium-rich Goldfish crackers).