A Living Will
by kev on August 26, 2008 

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With tornado warnings all over town and multiple tornadoes actually touching down in neighboring cities, it makes a man stop and think…

What am I thinking about? I’m thinking that God is truly amazing. I mean, He’s amazing for obvious reasons, of course. But beyond that…even with all He has going on, He still takes the time to help me with my writer’s block.

Even if I somehow survive these tornadoes, the odds are pretty good that I will move on to Heaven one day of these days. With that in mind, it’s best to be prepared. And so, I will make out a living will here at SKOS. In addition to giving me good blogging material, this will make sure I have a living will in place if I was to actually — you know — suddenly stop being so awesome (i.e. die) someday.

If that’s not killing two birds with one stone, I don’t know what is.

Science

To Science, I leave my body.

I don’t know why my immune system is wicked awesome. It’s just always been that way. Run your experiments. Discover what made me tick. Perhaps the cure for the common cold is inside me? Perhaps my blood or saliva can cure stupidity?

It’s up to you to find out, Science. I have faith in you (even though I don’t believe in many of the things you state to be fact). Make me proud, buddy.

Denis

To Denis, my psychotic roommate in college, I leave the electric razor I borrowed from my brother last week.

This probably seems odd since, one, we haven’t talked to each other in over a decade and, two, we hated each other’s guts. However, I owe you.

Remember how you used to get up and use your incredibly loud electric razor at 6:00 every morning even though you didn’t have anywhere to be until 9:00? Remember how, instead of going to the bathroom down the hall to shave you did it right there in our dorm (approximately 5 yards from where I slept)? Remember how, one day, your razor inexplicably stopped working?

Yeah, that was me. I broke it.

Angi

To Angi, I leave my cat, Smokey.

Since you’re a cat lover with two of your own, I know you will give Smokey a good home. However, do be careful not to neglect your other cats once you have him. This will be hard, I know, because of how awesome he is.

Lauren

To Lauren, I leave my single pair of tapered jeans and my black dress boots.

Yes, I know you hated them. I just think you might find it really, really funny to receive in the mail — a few weeks after I pass — a package with my jeans and boots inside. It will remind you of my odd sense of humor.

I don’t expect you to keep them, of course. You may burn them.

My Stalker

To my stalker, I leave the ants you planted in my car, bedroom and shower.

Look, we’ve been through this before. I know, for whatever reason, you hold ants in high regard. To you, giving someone ants is like giving someone flowers or an autographed photo of Jennifer Connelly. I don’t share this opinion with you, but whatever…I’m dead, so what does it matter at this point.

Since you obviously DO think so highly of ants, I can’t think of anyone else who would appreciate the ants that are currently haunting me everywhere I go. Take them and do whatever it is you do with them (when you’re not giving them to people you stalk).

Erin

To Erin, I leave all the bug spray I own and a photograph of my tapered jeans.

I know how much you hate spiders. If I could, I would take all the spiders of the world with me. However, I’m pretty sure the Big Man Upstairs won’t allow it. So, giving you all my bug spray is the next best thing.

And since I’ve already given away the tapered jeans you desire, I figure giving you a photograph of them is the next best thing. For $5, I’ll wear the jeans in the photograph. I must warn you, though: it’s probably not a pretty sight.

Kathy

To Kathy, I leave my #1 Dad coffee mug.

Yes, I am giving you the ultimate conversation piece. To say your friends will be jealous is a gigantic understatement. Your friends will probably turn against you because of it. They will want the coffee mug for themselves. Arm yourself, Kathy. Trust no one.

Owning the #1 Dad coffee mug is a blessing…and a curse.

Jenny

To Jenny, I leave the eye patch I wore to a costume party last New Year’s Eve.

I know how much you adore Johnny Depp. Short of giving you my Pirates of the Caribbean DVD (which I will take with me to my grave), an eye patch seemed like the next best thing.

This list will grow over the next few days as I have more time to work on it and as I think of more people to include.

Do YOU want to be included in my will? If so, leave me a comment or two or ten and give me a compelling reason.