by kev on August 27, 2008
(2 votes, 4 avg)
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I’m single and — let’s face it — not getting any younger. I might put my pants on one awesome leg at a time, but I’ve been making that old man sound when I get up from a chair for over a decade now. The words, “those darn teenage drivers” have crossed my lips many, many times. And on a lot of days, I fantasize about leaving work early, going home and taking a nap.
Since this website receives several handfuls of visitors each day, I thought it might be a good idea to take advantage of its popularity and showcase myself to the single ladies of cyberspace.
Single ladies, this is for you. Married ladies, prepare to set me up with single friends, nieces or daughters. Single men of the world, take notes and learn. It’s time for an online personal ad — Special Kind of Stupid style.
Hello ladies,
How are all of you doing this fine day?
Me? Well, honestly, I have been better. You see, there’s something missing in my life. And until recently, I could never quite put my finger on what it was despite the abundance of clues.
My mom having to hold back tears whenever someone asked her if I was seeing someone was one clue.
Another clue was the young children at the grocery store who kept asking their moms, “Mommy, why is that man buying groceries by himself? Is he not married? Does he have problems with commitment?”
However, the biggest clue came to me during a recent trip to Atlanta. While I was stuck in traffic, I glanced over and noticed the express lane moving super fast.
“If I was married or had a girlfriend,” I thought to myself, “I could be in that lane.”
And so, it finally dawned on me what was missing in my life.
I am still single.
So, now that I’ve figured out what is missing, the rest should be a piece of cake. Right?
Well, unfortunately, finding Miss Right isn’t easy. In fact, the search for her is much like driving with a blindfold on.
Oh sure, you end up running into lots of women. A few of these women might even show promise. But most end up having red flags like, “I don’t want children” or “I don’t believe in God” or “you maniac…you hit me with your car…I’m suing you.”
Despite my lack of success, I keep looking. It’s all I can do, really. Somewhere out there is the girl God created just for me.
The girl who won’t mind that, with one lone exception, I’ve never had a relationship last longer than three months. The girl who will recognize this not as my having a problem with commitment, but as evidence I haven’t had the best luck picking partners with whom I’m compatible.
The girl who will view my frugality, my habit of saving and my goal to always be wise with money not as a Scrooge-ish character trait, but as evidence she and I will never have to worry about the financial issues so common with most couples.
The girl who will understand that despite the fact I have a good sense of humor and can seem outgoing when I’m with people I know, I’m really laid back and borderline shy. The girl who will be flattered by the fact that I’m not as “at ease” with just anyone like I am with her.
The girl who will recognize the fact I am really close with my family is a good thing. The girl who will recognize this bodes well for our future family.
The girl who knows my having a graduate degree and teaching background doesn’t mean I’m an intellectual snob, but means — combined with my work ethic — I will always be employable.
The girl who doesn’t believe “good manners” is something from a different era. The girl who believes the fact I haven’t used profanity sine 1996, the fact I still say “please” and “thank you” (as well as yes sir, no sir, yes ma’am, no ma’am), and the fact I hold doors open for people of all ages and genders as reason to be admired rather than mocked.
The girl who makes it a point to always have my back. The girl who appreciates the fact I will always have her back.
The girl who realizes “selfless” is a real word and not just the misspelling of the word “selfish.”
The girl who understands the expression “nice guys finish last” was coined by a nice guy who just happened to be a loser. The girl who knows there is at least one nice guy out there who makes it a point to win as much as possible.
I could go on, but my eyes are beginning to glaze over.
Is there a girl like this out there? Does someone out there possess these qualities, plus the ones I did not mention?
I hope so.
All I can do is keep looking for her. Maybe today will be my lucky day.
It’s almost time to go home. It’s almost time to put on my blindfold and hit the road.
If I’m lucky, maybe Miss Right will be jaywalking.
To read the back story for this silly blog post, go here.
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Author: kevPosts Written: 284
Bio: Who am I? I am a cipher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kev and I own this here website.
URLs: my website, all posts by kev
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August 27th, 2008 at 10:54 pm:
i like the way this personal ad comes across. it’s got real character, shows off some a sweet personality, and leaves me happier about the state of humanity in general. nice!
August 27th, 2008 at 11:10 pm:
That’s was so funny! I actually LOL!
In all seriousness, my laughter was somewhat mingled with a trace of sadness. I pray that Ms. Right will walk right out in front of you some time soon. You’re a great guy, she’s going to be sad that it’s taken her this long to find you.
August 27th, 2008 at 11:16 pm:
Jeez, someone hurry up and marry this guy. That was pitiful. Next thing you know he’ll be quoting John Mayer lyrics if Miss Right doesn’t intervene soon - although at least then he’ll be living up to the site’s name.
August 27th, 2008 at 11:23 pm:
Well there seem to be two main qualities that are always sure to attract women: humor and being a musician. I met Lyndsay at a coffee shop where my band was playing. I was the lead guitarist. see what I mean?
You are not a musician but a clever, masterful sense of humor. She won’t know what hit her (hopefully it won’t be your car).
August 28th, 2008 at 11:23 am:
@gianna: Thanks. I don’t believe I’ve ever made someone feel better about the state of humanity before!
@Renee: Well, thank you. That means a lot. This blog was written during a span of…gosh, almost three months. So at times I was writing in a really upbeat mood, at times in a somber mood, and at a times in a silly mood. The end result was a pretty bipolor blog post!
@Steve: Wait, I thought I WAS quoting John Mayer lyrics in this blog? Honestly, I can’t understand half the words that guy says when he sings…
@Josh: Thanks. Of course, your theory doesn’t explain why Weird Al Yankovic is 48 and still single. That man is funny AND he can sing.
August 28th, 2008 at 12:41 pm:
Weird Al Yankovic is still single??? I didn’t know that…excuse me, I have a phone call to make.
ryc: I wrote two but after typing them they were lamer than usual and I made them private. So…I’m pretty much waiting to make a fool of myself so I have another story.
August 28th, 2008 at 1:17 pm:
@Erin: Hmmmm. My bad. It appears Weird Al got married way back in 2001. How is it that I did not know this? I know EVERYTHING that involves pop culture uselessness…
If I made private every blog I thought was lame, I wouldn’t have posted a new blog in over two years! Post them anyway. Even lame blogs can be entertaining.
August 28th, 2008 at 7:49 pm:
Wonderful post, Kev. Don’t worry. She’s right around the corner. I can feel it. And I’m with Renee. Ms. Right’s going to wonder where you’ve been hiding.
August 28th, 2008 at 10:41 pm:
Somewhere out there is a beautiful young lady wishing you would show up and sweep her off her feet. Please take off the blindfold and find her! She needs you, Kev! Clocks are ticking! I’m praying for ya, buddy.
August 29th, 2008 at 11:53 am:
[...] an addendum to my recent “Single, Awesome Male Seeks Single, Awesome Female” blog post, I began to think of reasons why being single isn’t such a bad [...]
August 29th, 2008 at 12:22 pm:
@Kathy: Thanks. Yeah, my blog posts are rarely this serious. Thankfully, for everyone’s sanity, I included a little funny into it for good measure.
I hope you’re right. Maybe I should start wearing neon clothing so Ms. Right can find me?
@Jenny: Thank you. Oh no, clocks are ticking?! As if I didn’t have ENOUGH pressure!
August 29th, 2008 at 12:56 pm:
ryc: Well, if that’s what you wear to impress the ladies I completely understand why you’re still single. Wait, wait, let me explain. That combination is so spectacular that the ladies are frozen in place and struck blind and speechless by the amazingness of what you’re wearing. By the time they snap out of it, you’re long gone. I recommend that you take down the awesomeness a couple of notches to a level that women can handle. I know it’s difficult to step out in with a less-than-perfect-look, but women are only human.
August 29th, 2008 at 3:17 pm:
@Erin: Wait, you’re suggesting I tone down the awesomeness??
Would you ask the sun to stop being so bright? Would you ask the rain to stop being so wet? Would you ask Tony Shalhoub of TV’s Wings and Monk to stop being so gosh-darn funny?
Can’t women just…I don’t know…stop being so awestruck?
August 29th, 2008 at 3:26 pm:
Think about the sun. Sure, a bunch of planets and stuff constantly orbit it in awestruck fascination but if they get too close–poof!–they burn up.
However, you may have a point. If the sun is too bright we wear sunglasses and sunscreen so that we can still bask in the rays without making THE SUN change, because that would be selfish.
August 29th, 2008 at 6:47 pm:
Wow. That was quite a personal ad! I’m sure your Inbox is flooded by now.
August 31st, 2008 at 6:22 pm:
Any girl who doesn’t fall for you is stupid.
Angi’s last blog post: Empty Me
September 2nd, 2008 at 12:39 pm:
[...] writing — not one, but — two blog posts late last week detailing my single status, a funny thing happened. The [...]
September 20th, 2008 at 8:19 pm:
I so contest the claim that you have not used profanity since 1996.