A day after the Dow plummeted 777 points, the biggest single day fall ever, I felt it appropriate to blog about finances. However, my thoughts on the matter really haven’t changed since the LAST time I blogged about the volatile stock market. So, the following was originally published on January 7, 2008. The basic idea? We all need to simmer down now.

I find it both sad and funny that now that I’m debt free and in a position where I can begin saving money and investing it for the first time, a recession looms over the economy. The first three days of trading in 2008 were the lowest in the stock market’s history since 1929.

I’m no economist, but I’m pretty sure any reference to The Great Depression era is a bad one.

That said, I take comfort in the knowledge that things in the stock market (like everything else in life) are never as bad as they appear. The people who do this for a living or as a hobby are, by and large, Chicken Littles. When it’s sunny outside they are convinced it will be that way forever, but as soon as a single rain drop falls they begin screaming and running for cover in anticipation of an upcoming flood.

Which brings me to one of my favorite quotes about money:

Be fearful when others are greedy… be greedy only when others are fearful. – Warren Buffet

Of course, anyone who has seen The Mummy knows that that is isn’t always good advice to follow. The character “Beni “went back inside the ancient pyramid to grab more treasure even though he already had gathered enough to last several life times. Everyone else in the movie at that point was fearful (you’d be too if an evil mummy was trying to kill you), but Beni was greedy.

Sure enough, Brendan Fraser’s character defeats the mummy, someone accidentally trips the pyramid’s self destruct sequence, and Beni ends up getting trapped inside the pyramid and eaten by several thousand bugs of some sort.

That is why I like to slightly tweak Buffet’s advice:

Be fearful when others are greedy… be greedy only when others are fearful. Unless your life is in imminent danger and you’ve already got a lot of money, in which case get your butt out of there before the bugs get you. Fool.

Or more eloquently:

Be cautious when others are bold. Be bold when others are cautious.

Of course, the meaning of “bold” is in the cerebral cortex of the beholder. To one person, it could mean betting your life’s savings on the Super Bowl. To another, it could mean putting your money in the bank instead of under your mattress.

To me, it means doing exactly what I would be doing if the stock market was booming and the immediate outlook for the economy was great. I will make the same conservative investments every paycheck. I will spread my money around so that I don’t have all my eggs in one basket. I will continue to live below my means.

And in five years, when I’ve accumulated a nice nest egg, I’ll bet it all on the Atlanta Falcons winning the Super Bowl.

In today’s edition of Dear Reader, I will try to help an individual with a most peculiar problem. At 7:09 pm on September 27, 2008, a visitor from Aukland, Australia, came to my site after searching the following:

“my wife hates my snakeskin cowboy”

A big thanks to Google for referring this reader to me.

Dear Reader,

Your search has brought up so many questions I want — nay, NEED — to ask you.

First, is this “person” with the snakeskin outer layer truly a cowboy, or does “he” simply wear a cowboy hat to hide his snake-ish facial features?

Secondly, if he is a cowboy, do you have any photos of him riding on a horse or lassoing a stray calf? If yes, could you please send me some?

Thirdly, where did you find this snakeskin cowboy? Did he run away from the circus? Is he your son?

Fourthly and finally, if he is your son, does that mean you were once romantic with a snake? How does that even work?

My hunch is he’s your son. I cannot imagine someone welcoming an escaped midget freak into their home. A bearded lady is one thing. Heck, I used to to date a bearded lady. But a snakeskin cowboy is entirely different.

If he’s your son, as I suspect, is your wife his step-mother? Do you suspect her dislike of him has more to do with the fact he’s not her own flesh or blood, or because he has scales instead of skin?

My hunch is your wife hates your snakeskin cowboy son because of his scales. I wish there was a simple solution to your problem, but unfortunately there isn’t one. If you want your wife to get over her snakeskin cowboy stepson prejudices, it’s going to take some time, hard work and patience.

Find ways for your wife and stepson to enjoy some quality time together.

For example, do they both like movies? Perhaps watching Anaconda or Snakes on a Plane would help your wife become more comfortable with having a stepson who looks like a snake. As for cowboy films, I recommend Open Range with Kevin Costner and Robert Duvall. It’s very underrated.

The important thing is to encourage them to do things together. Things won’t improve overnight, but they will improve in time. And if they don’t, you will have a decision to make. Do you get rid of your wife, or do you get rid of your son?

My opinion, for what it’s worth: wives are easier to come by than snakeskin cowboy sons who may or may not be able to ride horses and lasso calves.

Sincerely,

kev

P.S. In the remote chance you meant to search for “snakeskin cowboy boots,” tell your wife she is crazy. Snakeskin cowboy boots are awesome.

What sort of advice would YOU have given our friend here? What should he do to get his wife and son to bond? If things can’t be worked out, which one should he give the boot?

As always, leave lots of and lots of comments — one or two or ten, preferrably.

Methinks She Plans On Using This Info For Evil…

Kathy over at the insanely popular The Junk Drawer is looking to learn more about her many, many, many, MANY readers. Have I mentioned she’s insanely popular?

In her blog post entitled, There’s Always a First Time, Kathy asks a series of questions for her readers to answer.

I’m not yet sure if I will participate due to the fact I cannot relate to many of the questions. For example, question #1 asks about your first kiss. You probably cannot tell from the photos of me on the site because they are heavily edited, but I do not have lips. Kissing is an impossibility.

I’d cry about it, but I also don’t have eyes.

History 101

Last Saturday, Angie of What Floats My Boat wrote a historical analysis of Republican vs. Democrat U.S. Presidents since Abraham Lincoln.

Though it might not be evident from this linked post, Angie likes to talk about controversial topics. She’s great at it, in fact. Sadly, the topics I usually discuss are middle of the road. I’m the Hootie and the Blowfish of humor bloggers.

Sigh.

I seem to be the polar opposite of Angie in at least one other area, too.

She hated History in school, but loves it as an adult. I liked History quite a bit in school and was great at it, but I tend to be bored by it now as an adult. Does this mean Angie’s growing as a person while I am regressing?

Hmmmmm.

He’s Watched Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves Too Many Times

My good friend Josh at The Smoake House isn’t a fan of Barack Obama’s proposed economic plan should he be elected President in November.

At the top of the things Josh does not like is Obama’s idea to give tax refunds to most Americans, including the 40% who pay no income tax, by taxing the heck out of the top 5%.

What’s worrisome to me, and it’s something Josh discusses, is how this would impact the businesses responsible for employing most Americans. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, and if a company is suddenly taxed at a significantly higher rate it will have to react in some way. Some, inevitably, will let go of employees they would not have otherwise let go. One of those employees could be someone you know. Heck, one of them might be you. Double heck, one of them might be me.

But hey, at least those on welfare will be getting a nice tax refund.

A Random Act of Kindness

Angi of WSFD stumbled upon a blog of cooking recipes this week and left a comment on one of the recipes. Later, Angi received an e-mail from the blog’s owner that thanked her for leaving the comment and wished her well.

“Nobody ever does that!,” Angi told me in an e-mail. And she’s right. Politeness in an age where people leave you mean comments for no good reason should be rewarded.

So, even though my audience is likely very different than her regular audience and even though she has never even heard of SKOS (much less visited), I want to salute Jaime and her wonderful blog, Sophistimom.

I can’t say I’m an expert on these types of blogs, but Jaime’s site is very well done. It’s well written, it has amazing photos (taken by Jaime) of her recipes, and it’s educational. Unlike 99% of blogs, this one will actually make you smarter.

It’s Not A Trick Question, People

Erin, also known as Tooting Bec on Xanga, wrote a blog post this week detailing some of the truly…um, interesting answers she has read while reviewing data surveys for her job.

It reminds me of what I heard back in high school (still don’t know if it’s true or not) about your getting 400 points on the SAT simply by getting your name right.

“No way you get that many points for something so incredibly simple,” I maintained at the time.

After being a teacher for three years and reading blog posts like Erin’s, I totally believe it.

I’m not sure if we should avoid these people, or take away their car keys.

Is there a way to do both?

Yesterday for lunch, I found myself in the mood for sushi. Now, I am not delusional. I know what I consider sushi is probably not REAL sushi. I mean, I live in Georgia. The sushi I’m accustomed to is available in the salad section of Chinese Food buffets. It’s as much real sushi as the crab salad is real crab meat. Regardless, it’s close enough and I like it.

I decided to go to the Chinese restaurant a few minutes from where I work. As I got close to the restaurant, I noticed the parking lot was practically empty.

“Good,” I thought. “No lines.”

Once I pulled into the parking lot, I saw the place had been closed down.

It was gone.

It had ceased to be.

Beyond being disappointed I wouldn’t be able to eat sushi as planned, I was sad to see the place go. I have a lot of memories over the years that took place inside that restaurant. Some were good, some were bittersweet, and they all involved me eating so much my stomach hurt. Good times, good times.

For this week’s Friday Four, I am going to list four other eating establishments I would be very sad to see go bye-bye.

One

Any of the Other Five Chinese Restaurants in the Area

Given our size, our town is packed with Chinese restaurants. Still, to lose any more would be a travesty!

Yes, they are all practically identical. But so are quintuplets. There are subtle nuances each one possesses that should be acknowledged and appreciated.

China Star #2 puts extra sesame seeds in its Sesame Chicken and extra tso in its General Tso’s Chicken. China Star #5 makes their spring rolls two centimeters longer. China Star #3 sells Coke Zero. China Star #1 and #4 are identical in every way, but I think #4 has newer tables.

Still, it would be a travesty!

Two

Chick-Fil-A

There are some weeks where I eat two Chick-fil-a chicken sandwiches every day for lunch. I kid you not. Every…single…day.

No exaggeration — I could not love a human baby more then I love this sandwich.

It’s delicious.

Three

Subway

When I’m not having a delicious Chick-fil-a chicken sandwich for lunch, I usually have a Subway sandwich. What kind of of sandwich do I like? How do I like it? I’m glad you asked.

I get the Subway Club (roast beef, turkey and ham) on either wheat or honey oat bread. If I get cheese, I get either pepper jack or provolone. And if I do get cheese, I have my sandwich toasted. I get tomatoes, onions, pickles and olives. Occasionally, I will get either hot peppers or banana peppers. I will get light mayo, “Southwest” sauce, vinegar and black pepper.

Friends, the only way a sandwich could taste better is if I made it with my own awesome hands.

Four

My Mom’s Kitchen

My kitchen is small. To cook in it is torture. So, on days my dad is out of town on business, I cook dinner for my mom at their place.

I might be a single guy, but my culinary skills are extraordinary. Seriously, do you want to know what I cooked last weekend? I made homemade pasta sauce with crushed tomatoes, onions, green peppers, mushrooms, roasted garlic, roasted grape tomatoes, turkey bacon, hamburger and spices. I cooked it all day on the stove.

And you know what? It was so good, it cured the arthritis in my mom’s finger. It gave me 20/20 vision. I put a drop of it on a dead house plant, and it sprung back to life. RC, my dead cat from when I was in college, is now purring again. It fixed the plumbing in my parent’s bathroom. It boosted their Internet speed. It told a knock-knock joke. A funny knock-knock joke.

To close my mom’s kitchen, thereby depriving the world of my culinary greatness, would be a crime against humanity.

And there you have it. Four eating establishments I hope never, ever, ever close.

So, what places would YOU hate to see go away? Leave a comment or two or ten detailing the places you just can’t get enough of.

“If reviewing other blogs is the hip thing to do and no qualifications are necessary, maybe I should jump on board? After all, I’m hip. I’m cool. I’m with it. I can get bajididy with it, or whatever it is the kids say.” – yours truly on 9/18/08

We Sleep For Dreaming is a blog that has only been around since February of this year, but it’s come a long way in a very short amount of time. It’s run by Angi, who blogged over at Xanga for several years before jumping ship. It’s at Xanga where I first discovered her, and we’ve been thick as thieves ever since.

I’m not sure what that expression means, but I believe it’s apt since Angi and I robbed a convenience store together just last week.

Anyway, on the heels of her receiving a not-so-kind review from a blogger whose agenda was as subtle as Nicolas Cage’s performance in the movie The Wicker Man, I decided to give Angi a review of my own. We Sleep For Dreaming, hereafter referred to as WSFD, deserved to be reviewed by someone who hadn’t been sitting on a thumbtack and sucking on a lemon all day.

Let’s do this thing.

She’s Easy on the Eyes

Have you ever visited a website that had light-colored text on a dark or bright background? Didn’t it make your eyes bleed?

No?

Wait, was that just me? I should probably go see a doctor.

Where was I? Oh yes…

While there are some sites with dark backgrounds and light texts that look perfectly fine, they are usually the exceptions rather than the rule.

I love how WSFD uses a black, gray and red color scheme, but the actual blogging content has a nice, white background with black text. This is such an easy design tip, but too many out there do not follow it: thou shalt have dark text on light backgrounds. Thankfully, WSFD follows it.

Finally, Something Written in English

I love Angi’s clear writing style. Although I didn’t have it as bad as most because I taught computer science (as opposed to something like English), my time as a teacher still subjected me to essays (aka the unfocused, incoherent ramblings) of freshmen. When I read Angi’s writing, I never think, “Where the heck is she going with this?” I never pound my head against my desk and wonder where I went wrong with my life. I never look up to Heaven and ask God, “why?”

Whether she’s blogging about cats, God, brownie recipes, untalented pop stars or poetry, Angi’s writing is easy to follow and immensely entertaining.

You Saw Nothing, Mr. Convenience Store Manager

I love the customized banner logo.

One, it’s very well done. Angi obviously knows her way around Photoshop. Two, she has somehow managed to display — not one, but — two images of herself within the banner, and yet she’s kept her anonymity. No one could pick her out of a police lineup based on those photos.

This is good since it will keep her safe from the would-be male horn dogs in cyberspace, but also because a police lineup could very well be in our futures if the convenience store manager cooperates with the authorities.

Room to Stretch

I like the way WSFD uses a nice and clean two-column theme. I enjoy three-column themes, but too often they result in the column with the blogging content being so narrow that writing a haiku requires 28 line breaks.

God is in the Details

When it comes to websites, the little things matter.

WSFD makes it really easy for users who want to subscribe to its RSS feed. A search feature is easily accessible near the top of the sidebar. Hyperlinks are easily recognizable by their red color. Angi’s “Meet the Girl” page (aka About/FAQ) provides interesting insight into who she is and why she blogs.

There’s even a nice “Photography” link to a Flickr account where you can see amazing photographs Angi has taken, so you can get an even better idea of who she is and what interests her.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

There are a few things I think Angi could do that would make WSFD even better.

For starters, adding a “Best Of WSFD” page (or the equivalent) to the navigation menu would be a wonderful touch. This page would allow Angi to list her favorite blog posts (along with hyperlinks to them) and/or the posts she believes best represents what she’s about. New visitors would be able to easily figure out whether WSFD is a blog they’d like to follow, and regular readers will enjoy having all of Angi’s best work in one convenient area.

Another suggestion I would make is for Angi to add more images to her blog posts. A single image added to a post makes a significant difference to the reader. Even a relatively short post will appear long and daunting to read by itself. Add a photo somewhere in it and suddenly it feels as though the length is cut in half (even though you haven’t changed it at all).

And even if an image doesn’t alter the perceived word count, having one just makes a blog post more interesting. For example, take the above image of TV icon, Arthur Fonzarelli. This image has absolutely nothing to do with this blog review. And yet, doesn’t it make the review more entertaining?

Just imagine if, in its place, I had a relevant image.

Let’s Wrap It Up

We Sleep For Dreaming is my favorite blog. Is it partly because Angi is a regular commenter at SKOS? Sure. Is it partly because she’s my longest-tenured reader and I’ve known her for a few years now? I guess. Is it partly because she’s cute as a button? Okay, yes.

But the primary reason is it’s just a good blog. WSFD updates regularly, is entertaining, has varied topics of interest, and allows you a sneak peak into the life of its owner.

Oh, and it has one of my SKOS banners in the sidebar.

What’s not to like?

So, what do YOU think of WSFD? Be kind or I will delete your comment. Seriously. I’m talking to you. Yes, YOU.

As always, please leave a comment or two or ten.

“I know you won’t approve this comment. You don’t have the guts.”
- Anonymous

I love people who like to play mind games or challenge my masculinity when they leave me a less-than-enthusiastic comment. It keeps me on my toes.

Take the above quote, for example. I’ve read it (or something close to it) in probably a dozen different comments sent to me during my 3+ years blogging. What precedes this sentence varies, but here are a few examples:

“Who are you to say Keanu Reeves cannot act? Can YOU act? I don’t think so!”

“How dare you say Paris Hilton doesn’t deserve to be famous! She’s just young and impressionable! She’s finding her way!!”

“Dane Cook is a lot funnier than you! You **s!”

“I don’t appreciate your mentioning ‘God’ in several of your posts. Stop pushing your agenda! Vote Obama!!”

In short, “blah blah blah (i.e. I disagree with you)… blah blah blah (i.e. profanity)… I bet you don’t have the guts to approve this comment.”

These are just general examples — not real ones. The real ones are riddled with misspelled words and absent of any and all punctuation.

But you get the idea.

At this time, I would like to address these readers and any future ones who may leave me similar comments in the future.

Dear Reader,

Thank you for your comment.

I’m sorry you found my blog post on __________________ so disagreeable. I know not everyone in the world shares the opinion that ______________ is a pathetic _____________. Personally, I’d like to see ____________ meet an untimely ____________ as soon as possible, but that’s just me.

I found it most unfortunate you had to end your comment by stating you knew I would not approve it and publish it. You see, this puts me in quite the predicament.

If I approve it, I will have made a liar out of you — you said I would not approve it, and yet I did anyway. I’m much too nice of a person to make a liar out of you in such a public forum as this one. What would your friends and family think?

“I thought you said Kev wasn’t going to approve your comment,” your dad will say. “I am very disappointed in you, son.”

“I don’t love you anymore,” your wife will tell you in a post-it note. “The man I married didn’t lie!”

On the other hand, if I do what you predict and delete your comment, I will have deprived the world of your wonderful points and insight. Who am I to take way gold nuggets of wisdom like, “_______________________________” and the hilariously insightful, “____________________________.”

I don’t like having to choose between two such undesirable choices. Do I turn you into a liar and make everyone in your life hate you, or do I deprive the world of your knowledge?

Sigh.

I’ll just delete your comment.

But I’m not happy about it.

Regretfully,

Kev

What sort of negative comments have all of YOU received in the past? How do you handle them? Do you let the joykill have his say, or do you delete? In case it wasn’t clear in the above (and I’m sure it wasn’t), I delete, delete, delete.

As always, feel free to leave a comment or two or ten. Just be sure not to dare me. I don’t like dares.

As some of you know, developing websites is what I do for a living. If you saw the straight-laced, boring, “professional” sites I have to work on each day, you would understand why I made the design theme here at SKOS so… I think “interesting” is a good word.

However, while the world-renowned “message board” design theme has been in place since March, I have been slow in incorporating functional aspects every blog should have in some way, shape or form. I kept putting them off, and then I completely forgot about them.

And then Friday, after having finally incorporated a “blogroll” at SKOS (discussed below), I asked my good friend Angi if she could think of anything else the site needed.

And so began my weekend of website modifications. I would just let the results speak for themselves, but that just isn’t my style.

Plus, if I don’t blog about it, how are you all supposed to tell me what a good job I did? I’m needy, people. Needy people need praise.

The Polaroid Blogroll

For six months, Special Kind of Stupid has lived without a blogroll.

In the blogging world, such a thing is pretty much blasphemy. Oh sure, I had a few photo links in the sidebar of my subpages, but it didn’t appear on my homepage — which is where you really need a blogroll.

Why didn’t I have one? Well, because I couldn’t figure out a good way of incorporating a blogroll into my design theme. Most blogrolls are boring. I didn’t want to be boring.

Long story short, I had the idea of using the “polaroid” thing in my site’s banner for my blogroll. I would “take pictures” of the blogs/sites that leave me the most comments and/or refer the most visitors to me, “write” their names on the polaroid, and then make it look like I had thumbtacked or taped their photo onto my message board design. And I would put the “Polaroid Blogroll” at the bottom of every single page — homepage included.

It is, I do believe, extremely awesome.

Contact Button

Apparently, according to Angi, readers might actually like to contact me from time to time.  I do have an image in the footer of every page with my e-mail address for users who want to “propose marriage,” but it isn’t a hyperlink. A user would have to look at it, write down my address, and then type it if they wanted to shoot me an e-mail asking for my hand in marriage.

“Not good,” said Angi. Apparently, she is under the impression lots of people are wanting to propose to me.

I reluctantly agreed and added a “contact” icon to the navigation area.

Contact Form

Rather than have the contact icon simply take the users to a page that lists my e-mail address, Angi asked if it was possible for me to add a contact form. It was a wonderful idea. However…

Some web hosts make adding forms to your site easy. They even give you simple instructions on how to go about adding them. My web host does not. In short, there is a certain piece of code I need in order to turn a HTML form, which is easy to create, into something that will actually work when the user clicks the submit button.

My host provides no such code. So…

I had to do a little research and write a contact form in PHP from scratch. It was surprisingly easier than I thought it would be, and now users can contact me simply by filling out a form on the site and clicking submit.

This will make it a hundred times easier for users to contact me saying I “rock” or “suck.” That right there is what technology is all about.

Search Button

Every blog has a search feature where users can type in a phrase and see a list of matching results. Good blogs, average blogs and bad blogs have it. Humor blogs, soccer mom blogs and blogs about cats have it. Every single blog on the Internet has it.

Except for SKOS.

Why?

Because back in March, I couldn’t decide where I wanted to put the stupid thing. Every idea I could think of made the design theme less appealing to me. So, I just skipped it. Angi recommended I have it, and I (again) reluctantly agreed.

However, I came up with an idea that hadn’t occurred to me in March. Rather than add a search field at the top of the site where users could enter a phrase, I added a “search” icon to the navigation area…

The “Magic” Search Window

…and once the user clicked it a window would “magically” appear. In this window would be the search field for the user to enter their phrase and a button for them to receive the matching results. A “close” button is provided so the users can make this magic window disappear if it scares them.

Voila.

Searching capability that doesn’t take away from the site’s design.

Link to Guest Blog Form

With Angi’s suggestions implemented, I decided to do more since I was on a roll. Until recently, users had the ability to register to SKOS and become a member, login and write guest blogs that I would then either approve or disapprove.

Spammers figured out a way to register fake accounts, so I had to disable this feature and replace it with a simple, “hey… if you want to write a guest blog just e-mail it to me and stuff” sort of thing.

Contact Form for Submitting a Guest Blog to SKOS

So, since I’d done the work already and figured out how to add contact forms, I decided such a thing would be perfect for users who wanted to submit a guest blog to SKOS.

A simple “Write Guest Blog” link with a pencil icon was added to the navigation area. When users click it, they are taken to a page with a contact form.

The contact form has every field needed for submitting a guest blog. The name, e-mail address, and website URL of the user can be entered (so I can give credit where credit is due), the title and summary of the submitted blog (which I will leave as is so long as nothing is wrong with it), and (of course) the blog itself.

Once submitted, an autoresponse e-mail will be sent to the user at the address they provided letting them know I have received it. It will also let you know if one of your friends pretended to be you and used your e-mail address to send me his story about the time he went to a Bon Jovi concert and Jon pointed at him something really, really boring.

It Is Finished

And there you have it.

I realize there isn’t anything funny about this blog post. My apologies. I just figured, one, all of you might be interested on SKOS-related news such as this.

Two, again, I knew the best way for me to receive “kudos” and “looks great” feedback was to blog about it. Positive feedback nourishes me and gives me the strength to continue being awesome.

And three, since it’s a Monday, I figured most of you are too sleepy to even notice the unfunny.

The funny will be back tomorrow.

I promise.

I’ve wanted to start doing something like this for a while now, and there’s no better time than the present.

I’m going to point out a few good, funny and/or interesting blog posts from friends, frequent commenters or blogs I find interesting.

So, without further delay, I present to you all the debut of Quick Hits.

I’m Not Stupid. I’m Mysterious…

Keli over at Counterfeit Humans wrote a great post last Saturday theorizing why “stupers” (her way of describing hopelessly stupid persons) seem incapable of remembering people’s names.

Full disclosure, once upon a time I jokingly told people that deliberately forgetting the names of girls was in a guy’s best interest because it would make him appear mysterious. “Wow, this guy can’t remember my name. He must have a lot going on in his life. I must solve the riddle that is him.”

Of course, now that I’ve reached the age where people feel sorry for you if you’re still single, I don’t like joking about it anymore.

Girl Has Some Mad Writing Skills…

Also last Saturday, Jenny, who by the way is the reason I discovered Keli’s blog, wrote a touching post about her deceased father.

Jenny is such a good writer that she is capable of bouncing from serious to offbeat topics in a snap. At one point, I asked her if she was a professional writer — she’s that good. Also, not that I condone alcoholism or underage alcohol consumption, but you would have quite the drinking game on your hands if you took a shot every time she mentioned Johnny Depp.

His Wounds Have Healed Nicely…

Skip DeKades of Future Update blog wrote a funny story this week about Prince suing an author for using the words “purple” and “rain” in the same sentence.

To those unfamiliar with Skip’s work, he writes humorous glimpses into what the news might look like twenty years into the future. Heck, and you guys thought I was an imaginative fiction writer.

From the story, it would appear as though Prince is able to recover from the massive beat down yours truly someone recently gave him.

It Better Be The Prettiest Hair In All The Land…

My good friend Angi of We Sleep for Dreaming shared a Craiglist ad from a guy willing to overlook any negative character trait so long as a girl has pretty, pretty hair.

It reminds me of my first crush when I was younger. Oh sure, she was an arsonist with an extensive criminal background and a glass eye. But her hands — well, the good hand with all five fingers — was so beautiful.

And finally…

I Can Haz Cookie?

At her blog, I Do Things So You Don’t Have To, JD writes with a premise so simplistic it’s pure genius. As the name suggests, she does things so you won’t have to and then blogs about them. She does everything from the mundane to the unusual.

Last Saturday, JD gave the world a bigger and better cookie recipe. By combining Toll House chocolate chip cookie dough, a 45-oz bag of M&Ms, an adorable kitten and a camera, JD was able to create culinary magic. Need proof? Check out the finished product.

The appeal of Dane Cook perplexes me.

Cook, who is now prominently featured in SKOS’s banner alongside the likes of Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and that nutjob Tom Cruise, is a ridiculously popular stand-up comedian who has been in a slew of movies the past few years despite the fact he is neither funny nor talented.

The only two worthwhile projects he has ever been involved with are Kevin Costner’s Mr. Brooks and Steve Carell’s Dan in Real Life. These are projects where Cook wasn’t the star or primary co-star, and his characters were…well, I don’t want to spoil either movie. Let’s just say I was a big fan of the character development in each film.

So, for this week’s Friday Four, I am going to list four awful things I would gladly do instead of seeing Cook’s new movie, My Best Friend’s Girl, which opens today in theaters all over the world. I encourage all of you to help add to the list!

One

I Would Rather…
Attend a Saw/Hostel movie festival after having eaten sushi purchased from the back of a pickup truck.

These two horror-movie franchises are not for the faint of heart. Their plot devices are merely excuses to film scenes of torture and gore. As such, and I’m scared to think of what this says about society, both franchises are immensely popular.

Rather than be subjected to my own version of torture (i.e. yet another awful Dane Cook movie), I would gladly watch all 14 or however many Saw movies they’ve made as well as the two nauseating Hostel movies I know exist.

And I would watch them all in one sitting after having eaten sushi I bought from some guy named Bubba, who kept them in a cooler in the back of his truck.

Two

I Would Rather…
Be a contestant on Paris Hilton’s new reality show on MTV.

On the upcoming show, which is going to be called “I Wanna Be Paris’ New Best Friend,” people compete for the privilege of becoming — surprise — Paris Hilton’s new best friend.

Somehow, MTV was able to find people oblivious to the fact Paris Hilton is a talentless she-devil unworthy of human contact (much less a best friend). Even so, I would compete for her clueless attention in lieu of seeing Dane Cook’s awful movie. I would even shake her hand.

I’d have to boil my hand in water immediately after, but I’d still shake it.

Three

I Would Rather…
Go to the beach without wearing any sunscreen.

Those who know me know what kind of sacrifice this would be — I wear SPF protection of some kind pretty much all the time.

I don’t like the sun. One, it’s too hot. Two, I really don’t like what it can do to people’s skin. I mean, have you seen what the sun has done to George Hamilton lately? His face looks like a leather suitcase.

The sun is out to get us all!

Four

I Would Rather…
Listen to ten straight hours of Billy Corgan singing covers of Backstreet Boys’ songs in a Fargo accent and a lisp.

Compared to the awfulness that is surely to be Dane Cook’s movie, experiencing Billy Corgan (lead singer of Smashing Pumpkins) in a Fargo accent and lisp will be Heavenly.

And by Heavenly, I mean slightly better.

And there you have it. Four incredibly awful things I would rather subject myself to than the new Dane Cook movie.

So, what would YOU add to the list? Am I in the minority on Dane Cook? Do any of you like him? If so, I’d love to hear why you do.

As always, please feel free to leave a comment or two or ten.

“Now, I don’t want to get off on a rant here, but…”

The Internet is packed with blogs. Those blogs are as diverse and varied as Lindsay Lohan is untalented and overrated. Like beauty, a “good blog” is in the eye of the beholder. However, whether or not a blog is successful depends entirely on whether or not it meets the intended purpose of its owner.

For example, a blog dedicated to the career of Jaleel “Steve Urkel” White will probably not interest 99% of us. Of course, it’s not meant to interest most of us. Even if it’s the greatest Steve Urkel blog on the Internet, it’s unlikely to be anything more than a morbid curiosity you look at for five minutes while you are waiting for your friend to hurry up and get on AOL Instant Messenger.

Does that make it a bad blog, though?

Are the in-depth stories about the Urkel-Bot, Stefan Urquelle and The Urkel Dance badly written simply because you don’t care about those things? Is the blog a failure simply because you aren’t a fan of what it’s about?

“Where is Kev going with this,” you’re probably asking yourself.

“Why is he talking about blogs and Urkel? Is he about to start an Urkel blog??”

A very good friend of mine had her blog recently critiqued by a site that fancies itself worthy of reviewing other people’s blogs. Actually, “critiqued” is putting it too kindly. They ripped her a new one.

They didn’t like the fact she occasionally blogs about God. They didn’t like her political views. Therefore, they didn’t like her, her blog, or the horse they rode in on. And they didn’t express their dislike in any meaningful, constructive way. No, they instead expressed their thoughts with sarcasm, hatred and vile disguised as constructive criticism.

Look, unless you are part of its intended audience, most people are as qualified to critique the quality of a person’s blog as a vegan is qualified to critique the quality of a porterhouse steak. The only possible exceptions are those rare individuals who are ridiculously open-minded and unbiased.

Still, do a Google search. There are dozens and dozens and dozens of blogs out there designed primarily to critique other blogs. A majority of these blogs are owned by individuals who are neither open-minded nor unbiased. That isn’t to say all of these reviewers aren’t good at what they do. A few of them aren’t too shabby. But many are bad, and some — like the one who critiqued my friend — are cruel and condescending.

The beauty of blogging is we’re allowed to make our blogs whatever we want. There are moms out there who like to blog about their children. There are sports fans who like to blog about their favorite teams. Some people blog about politics. Rumor has it I like to blog about things that are funny.

And yes, that means people also have the right to use their blogs to critique other blogs. But that doesn’t mean they’re qualified to do so.

Heck, if reviewing other blogs is the hip thing to do and no qualifications are necessary, maybe I should jump on board? After all, I’m hip. I’m cool. I’m with it. I can get bajididy with it, or whatever it is the kids say.

That settles it: Next week, I will review my friend’s blog. She deserves a nice review.

Who knows, maybe the fact I have a degree and job in web development will enable me to — oh, I don’t know — have a clue what a blog review should look like.

And heck, if I get stumped, I’ll just do what the cool reviewers do: I’ll throw out random insults that have nothing to do with anything.

“…of course, that’s just my opinion. I could be wrong.”
- Dennis Miller, cerebral comedian extraordinaire

During passing thoughts on a couple of my older blog posts, I have let it be known I am a huge fan of Coke Zero. When I’m not sitting around being awesome, I’m usually sitting around drinking Coke Zero (while being awesome).

What’s not to love?

It might not taste exactly like regular Coca-Cola, but it tastes like a good, generic, non-diet soda you can find anywhere. It has no calories. It’s packed with caffeine goodness. In short, it’s awesome in liquid form.

Well, last weekend while shopping for groceries, I walked down the soft drink aisle to purchase one or two or ten 2-liters of Coke Zero. However, to my complete and utter dismay, they didn’t have any. They were sold out!

After having recently watched Office Space for probably the 100th time, I decided to go Milton on the grocery store and set it on fire. One, it would make me feel better. Two, it would teach the grocery store a valuable lesson. And three, if the movie is any indication, karma will reward my act of arson by giving me $305,326.13 and a margarita with big grains of salt on the glass.

After I’d finished putting kindling (cheap wine and toilet paper) all over the store, I began looking for the aisle with cigarette lighters and matches. That’s when I found myself back on the aisle with the soft drinks and noticed a product I’d heard about, but had never before tried.

It was Pepsi One.

Pepsi One is Pepsi’s equivalent to Coke Zero — it is a diet drink that doesn’t taste like a diet drink. I’ve always considered Pepsi the red-headed stepchild to Coca-Cola’s perfect son, so I never bothered with it. That is, until that moment.

As satisfying as arson would be, the truth of the matter is I was thirsty. Fire wouldn’t quench my thirst. If anything, it would make me thirstier due to the flames being all hot and stuff. So, I picked up the Pepsi One bottle and inspected it.

“Hmmmm…,” I thought. And yes, I realize it’s unusual to actually think “Hmmmm…” to yourself.

“This is made with Splenda. Coke Zero is made with that aspartame stuff.”

I’m no expert on the subject and I realize there has never been any widely-accepted proof, but there’s a lot of noise (going back years and years) about aspartame being bad for you. So, the fact Pepsi One doesn’t use the stuff at least caught my eye.

Anyway, I decided to spare the lives of the poor grocery store employees and not set the store on fire. I even paid for the items in my grocery cart despite the fact they kept saying, “take whatever you want…just please let us live.”

Among the items in my grocery cart: two bottles of Pepsi One.

And do you know what I discovered when I tried it? I liked it. I liked Pepsi One.

Is it as good as Coke Zero? Well, no. But it doesn’t have aspartame in it. In the off-chance the stuff IS bad for you and will cause my brain to rot, Pepsi One now has a slight advantage over Coke Zero.

So, as the title of this blog post revealed, I am cheating on Coke Zero with Pepsi One. I’ve never cheated on anyone or anything before, so I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel.

Is it normal to hide your head in shame whenever you see an advertisement for Coke Zero?

Is it normal to hold a bottle of Pepsi One and whisper, “do you think she suspects anything?”

Is infidelity supposed to taste this good?

No, seriously. I’m asking.

For this latest edition of Dear Reader, I have the pleasure of helping an individual who doesn’t really need my help. At 6:43 am on September 16, 2008, a visitor from Borger, Texas, stumbled upon my site after asking the following question:

“are leather chaps stupid”

A big thanks to Google for referring this fashion-conscious reader to me.

Dear Reader,

Your question saddens me.

It doesn’t sadden me because leather chaps are stupid — far, far from it. No, it saddens me because it’s clear you wear leather chaps, but have “friends” who are telling you it’s stupid to do so.

So, instead of proudly wearing your leather chaps the way God intended, you are on the Internet desperately searching for confirmation.

This brings tear-like substances to my eyes.

Your “friends” are wrong. I use quotation marks because these parasites aren’t really your friends — they’re just minions of “the man” trying to keep you and your fashion greatness down.

Back when Britney Spears wore a sock on her hand while performing at the Super Bowl, fashion critics like your “friends” gave her beef. They did the same when she shaved her head.

When Paris Hilton wore her “Vote or Die” t-shirt in 2004 even though she wasn’t registered to vote in the upcoming elections, people like your “friends” mocked her.

And when I wore tapered jeans a few times, well…you’d have thought I had clubbed a baby seal and made pants out of it.

People lash out at what they don’t understand. They mock it. You just have to keep in mind the mocking is merely a defense mechanism to hide their fears.

If your “friends” begin making fun of your leather chaps again, you should react the same way you would if they ran under a bed to hide.

“Do not be afraid,” you should say. “These leather chaps will not harm you. They want to be your friend. See?”

And then, once they begin to lower their defenses, you should kick them where it hurts.

Why?

Because fashion greats such as you and I do not have time for ignoramuses and fashion lepers.

See you at the next meeting.

Fashionably yours,

kev

What sort of advice would YOU have given our fashionably-awesome friend here? As always, leave lots of and lots of comments — one or two or ten, preferrably.