I'm a cypher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kev and I own this here website.

Alright, I'm just a guy (though an admittedly awesome one at that -- oh, and humble) who likes to blog. Sarcasm, quick wit and gorilla dust are my tools of the trade. Feel free to browse my blog and follow me. It's okay. I won't call the cops. Click here if you'd like to write a guest blog for SKOS.


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I’m Onto You, People
September 2, 2008
Blog
15

After writing — not one, but — two blog posts late last week detailing my single status, a funny thing happened. The next day, the traffic here at my site tripled. The following day, it increased ninefold. Assuming I usually have 4 visitors, as I often joke, that means my readership jumped to 36 late last week!

I know. Wow, right?

At first, I just assumed all of you were taking a sincere interest in my plight. But then I began thinking back to the most popular posts I’ve written in the past.

The blog about me being attacked by ants all day was a huge hit. The post about meeting “the apple girl” in Kentucky and not being able to think of something witty to say received lots of feedback. And whenever I have sarcastically mocked my sense of fashion, you readers seem to come out in droves.

Conversely, any time I write about two of my hobbies, sports and personal finance, my readership becomes as small as the number of people who attend Dustin “Screech” Diamond’s acting classes on Tuesday nights at the Y.

Could it be that my audience is sadistic?

Oh sure, I suppose it could all just be a coincidence. Yeah, and the story about Clay Aiken having a baby with a 50-year-old woman he artificially inseminated wasn’t the least bit creepy or unnerving.

My theory?

I think you all like it when I suffer. It’s like air to you. Or peanut butter. Or something else that’s really good and tasty.

I’m onto your game, people. And, I must say, I am really disappointed.

As punishment, I will not be blogging about the following anytime soon, if ever:

  • The time I was a construction worker in college and stepped on a nail
  • The time someone broke my Jeep’s window just to steal a grand total of 47 cents
  • The time the inseam of my baseball pants ripped while I was pitching
  • The time my goldfish jumped out of its tank and died
  • The time my cat tried to eat said goldfish and died
  • The time my friend died while probably eating said cat at the local Chinese restaurant
  • The time the same restaurant ran out of eggrolls
  • The time the barber thought I told him to “give me the Kevin Costner ‘The Bodyguard’ haircut” when all I asked for was a trim
  • The time one of our cats peed on my bed while I was sleeping
  • The time my prom date and I got lost on the way home
  • The time I paid money to see The Lake House in theaters

Bad readers. Very, very bad.

I hope this teaches all of you a lesson.

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