Ask Kev: The Biker or the Non-Biker?
by kev on September 8, 2008 

13 Comments

(3 votes, 4 avg)  Loading ...

In my ongoing mission to find things to write about despite the fact I have been riddled with writer’s block since 2007, it’s time for another edition of my immensely unpopular advice column, Ask Kev.

Since no one in their right mind would actually ask ME an important question, I am going to steal a question recently sent to the famous Dear Abby. I’m sorry, did I say steal? I meant borrow. Yes, that’s it. Borrow.

DEAR ABBY KEV:

I am a woman living with a man, but “in love” with another man whom I formerly dated but broke up with because he’s an alcoholic. “Spike” is a true biker — exciting, funny and fun. Our lifestyles didn’t mesh, so I made the decision we shouldn’t be together. I miss him very much, and it keeps me from being totally committed in my head to the man (”Cal”) I live with.

- CONFLICTED IN CALIFORNIA

Dear Conflicted,

Abby suggested that neither man, Spike nor Cal, was right for you.

Sadly, this is not the first time I have had to help an individual who has been given shoddy advice by Abby. Honestly, I don’t know what planet Abby calls home because one of these men IS right for you. And I think it’s perfectly obvious who it is: Spike.

Frankly, I’m amazed you let Spike get away. Do you know how many women would kill — literally — to be with a biker who was “exciting, funny and fun?” Heck, do you have any idea how difficult it is to find a FUNNY biker? And you broke up with him WHY again?

Alcoholism just goes with the territory when you’re a biker.

Would you break up with a doctor because he was a book worm? Would you break up with a gourmet chef because his fingers smelled like garlic? Would you break up with O.J. Simpson because he carried around a knife and tiny gloves everywhere he went?

When you have a great guy, like Spike, you have to look past minor details.

For example, his two-bottle-a-day Tequila habit. Or the fact he doesn’t shower or wash his leather chaps. Or the way he gets into fights with complete strangers every time the two of you go out. Or the little matter of the police being after him.

Think of your future kids, too.  Which guy would they think is the cooler dad? The one who has a 9-to-5 job, who treats them well, and who puts a roof over their heads? Or the one who has a motorcycle, 24 tattoos and tells them dirty jokes?

I think the answer is pretty obvious. Don’t you?

Run to him, Conflicted.

Run to Spike, jump on the back of his motorcycle, and ride off into the sunset. And whatever you do, don’t look back — the cops are probably gaining on you.

13 Responses »

1. Angi
   
   September 8th, 2008 at 1:23 pm:

   More pros for “Spike”…

   Motorcycles get good gas mileage.

   If “Conflicted” ever gets confused about her identity and gender role, she can stay home in the kitchen like a good wife while “Spike” goes off on one of his bike rallies.

   Three words…”West. Coast. Choppers.” What better than having a club to belong to? For LIFE?

2. Angi
   
   September 8th, 2008 at 9:44 pm:

   Thanks for changing the picture. I may never sleep again.

3. Jenny
   
   September 9th, 2008 at 10:25 am:

   Love the updated pics on your banner, Kev! Good job.

   As to Conflicted, clearly she yearns for a bad boy. I can kind of relate, given my inexplicable predilection for the dapper Mr. Depp. It makes no sense but there it is.

   And, really y’all, why wouldn’t any woman want to be the queen of Spike’s double wide?

   If B. Hussein Obama gets elected, presaging the kind of change that might not be so good for America, at least Spike (likely) has an arsenal in the basement.

   Jenny’s last blog post: Dumpster Muffin

4. Josh H.
   
   September 9th, 2008 at 4:54 pm:

   Well if things don’t work out with witty Spike, maybe Conflicted could try going out with his more serious cousin, Roach.

   And I like the new header pics. Why is it that the stupidest people are always the ones who get famous?

   By the way they are remaking a sci-fi classic (and one of my favs) called The Day the Earth Stood Still. The main character, an alien named klaatu, is one of the most memorable characters in cinema history. Anyway, they are remaking…with Keanu Reeves as Klaatu.

   They just need to go ahead and blow up Hollywood.

   Josh H.’s last blog post: What Does Matthew 24 (The Olivet Discourse) Really Mean? Is It About the End Times?

5. Erin
   
   September 9th, 2008 at 7:08 pm:

   For years my family joked that I had a secret biker boyfriend, Spike. They didn’t know he was real, though. And that I wrote to Abby about him.

   Erin’s last blog post: Don’t wear those unless you’re playing soccer.

6. Simon Slade
   
   September 9th, 2008 at 9:00 pm:

   What a great sense of humor you have! Listen to Kev “Conflicted”. He always knows best!

   Look forward to the next post
   Simon Slade’s last blog post: Portal Solutions Featured for Ranking as One of Top 100 Businesses in Country

7. kev
   
   September 10th, 2008 at 3:43 pm:

   @Angi: Very true. Spike’s being a biker is likely a frugal decision. That’s a big pro. And yes, the fact he is a part of a club/gang speaks well of his people skills. He’s clearly not a loner, which is another pro.

   You are very welcome regarding the photo. I only hope whoever that guy is doesn’t come across this site, hunt me down, and kill me.

   @Jenny: Thanks! Yes, I think my banner was overdue for an update. I’m not sure I agree that Spike is a “bad boy,” though. Personally, I think he’s just misunderstood. Deep down, I bet he’s a big ol’ softy!

   @Josh: Maybe Conflicted has a friend she can hook Roach up with?

   Are they seriously casting Keanu in that? For crying out loud, people. The man stinks. Why can no one see that??

   @Erin: You know, I suspected you and Conflicted were one and the same. Wait, does this mean you are currently living with a guy named Cal??

   @Simon: Thank you! I’m glad you enjoy my sense of humor. Although, for Conflicted’s sake, I hope she doesn’t REALLY listen to me!

8. Angi
   
   September 10th, 2008 at 3:47 pm:

   I just figured out a new diet plan. Between your “biker” picture and your new header images…

   Who is Atkins? And where’s South Beach??

9. Corrina
   
   September 11th, 2008 at 6:09 am:

   Uh, is that the special edition of Dear Abby for Crackheads? Lol

   Spike is CLEARLY the winner in that scenario. Too bad he’s not a heroin addict too… That would SO add awesomeness to his Biker lifestyle!

10. Corrina
    
    September 11th, 2008 at 6:09 am:

    Uh, is that the special edition of Dear Abby for Crackheads? Lol

    Spike is CLEARLY the winner in that scenario. Too bad he’s not a heroin addict too… That would SO add awesomeness to his Biker lifestyle!

    Corrina’s last blog post: In Memory…

11. Corrina
    
    September 11th, 2008 at 6:12 am:

    Uh, sorry for the double comment. I’m using the CrackBerry and it’s now clear I need to write Dear Abby for advice on how to comment on blogs. Lame-O, I know.

    Corrina’s last blog post: In Memory…

12. Erin
    
    September 11th, 2008 at 5:07 pm:

    Yes, but his real name is Calvin. I was just trying to protect his true identity. However, thanks for the advice–I have to call Spike.

    Seriously, though, it was weird to read this the first time because my family really does have a joke about me and “Spike”. I am e-mailing this story to all of them.

13. Ask Kev: How to Make People Love You : Special Kind of Stupid - The world is full of stupid. We're just here to document it.
    
    December 1st, 2008 at 6:28 pm:

    [...] again, I am having to help someone who has been given shoddy advice by Abby. SC, the problem isn’t [...]

Leave a Reply