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Ask Kev: The Biker or the Non-Biker?
September 8, 2008
Blog, Featured
13

In my ongoing mission to find things to write about despite the fact I have been riddled with writer’s block since 2007, it’s time for another edition of my immensely unpopular advice column, Ask Kev.

Since no one in their right mind would actually ask ME an important question, I am going to steal a question recently sent to the famous Dear Abby. I’m sorry, did I say steal? I meant borrow. Yes, that’s it. Borrow.

DEAR ABBY KEV:

I am a woman living with a man, but “in love” with another man whom I formerly dated but broke up with because he’s an alcoholic. “Spike” is a true biker — exciting, funny and fun. Our lifestyles didn’t mesh, so I made the decision we shouldn’t be together. I miss him very much, and it keeps me from being totally committed in my head to the man (“Cal”) I live with.

- CONFLICTED IN CALIFORNIA

Dear Conflicted,

Abby suggested that neither man, Spike nor Cal, was right for you.

Sadly, this is not the first time I have had to help an individual who has been given shoddy advice by Abby. Honestly, I don’t know what planet Abby calls home because one of these men IS right for you. And I think it’s perfectly obvious who it is: Spike.

Frankly, I’m amazed you let Spike get away. Do you know how many women would kill — literally — to be with a biker who was “exciting, funny and fun?” Heck, do you have any idea how difficult it is to find a FUNNY biker? And you broke up with him WHY again?

Alcoholism just goes with the territory when you’re a biker.

Would you break up with a doctor because he was a book worm? Would you break up with a gourmet chef because his fingers smelled like garlic? Would you break up with O.J. Simpson because he carried around a knife and tiny gloves everywhere he went?

When you have a great guy, like Spike, you have to look past minor details.

For example, his two-bottle-a-day Tequila habit. Or the fact he doesn’t shower or wash his leather chaps. Or the way he gets into fights with complete strangers every time the two of you go out. Or the little matter of the police being after him.

Think of your future kids, too.  Which guy would they think is the cooler dad? The one who has a 9-to-5 job, who treats them well, and who puts a roof over their heads? Or the one who has a motorcycle, 24 tattoos and tells them dirty jokes?

I think the answer is pretty obvious. Don’t you?

Run to him, Conflicted.

Run to Spike, jump on the back of his motorcycle, and ride off into the sunset. And whatever you do, don’t look back — the cops are probably gaining on you.

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