I'm a cypher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kev and I own this here website.
An old friend told me this blog of mine was “too Hollywood” for her. By extension, I suppose, she was saying I had become too Hollywood. Honestly, I really don’t know what she meant by that. I am the same humble, down-to-earth guy I was when I first started blogging on Xanga back in 2005.
It’s just like I was telling my butler, Jeeves, the other day after I threw my glass of 1997 Romane Conti in his face.
“Red wine should be served at 60 degrees Fahrenheit, you buffoon. This tastes like 61 or 62!”
Wait, no, that wasn’t it. What relevant thing was it I told him? Ah yes, I remember.
“I am the same humble, down-to-earth guy I was when I first started blogging on Xanga back in 2005.”
And you know what Jeeves said?
“The master is correct, sir.”
See? If that’s not concrete proof, I don’t know what is. Ol’ Jeeves is a straight shooter. He wouldn’t lie to me.
So, where did the idea of my being too Hollyood come from?
Maybe it’s my site’s design.
Back in the day, I had a plain ol’ Xanga that used all of the default images and colors. Today, I have an original, custom-designed website that is so beautiful people are afraid to look directly at it for fear of going blind from its sheer awesomeness.
Maybe it’s due to the celebrities I sometimes blog about?
I mean, I do rant about Paris Hilton, Keanu Reeves and the like every now and then. But then again, that’s like saying I am “too New York” because I occasionally rant about pigeons crapping on cars and smelly hobos asking for spare change.
So what is it?
Is it the fact I host a poker night ever Wednesday for the entire, original cast of Saved by the Bell? Well, the entire cast except for Dustin Diamond. No nerds allowed, Screech. If you try to crash poker night again, Jeeves will break the rest of your fingers. Hear me?
Is it because Rachel Leigh Cook and Leelee Sobieski used to stalk me? Look, it’s not MY fault they stalked me. Besides, I took care of them, didn’t I? Granted, maybe if I had displayed a bit more tact they wouldn’t have gone into a deep pit of despair and fallen off the Hollywood map. But I digress.
Is it because my blog has built up a cult following similar to that of Oprah? I can see how that could be intimidating to someone who knows me, but does it really make me “too Hollywood?” If anything, it makes me “too awesome.”
Maybe that’s what my friend really meant. Yes, that must be it. She just needs a Thesaurus. Silly me, I got all worked up over nothing.
It’s a good thing I have a masseuse on staff.
I can feel the tension in my shoulders.
;-) 9.11.08 at 5:23 pm:
So, how do you explain Jessica Alba’s rise to stardom after stalking you? Is it because the mere association of your name and hers in the same sentence was enough to shoot her to the top of the list, celebrity-wise? And why aren’t you getting a cut of her paycheck?
On a side note, can I borrow your masseuse???
;-) 9.11.08 at 5:28 pm:
@Angi: Well, one, I learned from the mistakes I made with Rachel and Leelee and used a bit more tact with Jessica. Two, who says I’m NOT getting a cut of her paycheck? How do you think I can afford Jeeves and a masseuse?
And no, you cannot borrow Guinevere.
Sorry.
;-) 9.11.08 at 5:37 pm:
So, you mean I have to get my own stalker, hope he gets famous and gives me a cut of his paycheck, and hope it’s enough for me to get my own masseuse???
Where on earth will I find a stalker???
Didn’t your mommy teach you to SHARE!?
;-) 9.11.08 at 7:51 pm:
Angi, I hear there’s this little town in Pennsylvania you might consider.
Or I could recommend someone for you to stalk. Lord knows he’s Hollywood enough.
;-) 9.11.08 at 11:53 pm:
Steve…little town in PA??
And who do you recommend I stalk? I like Hollywood…
;-) 9.12.08 at 1:56 pm:
If you’re “too” anything, Kev, its FUNNY.
But wait … you can’t be TOO funny! Any more than you can be too rich or too thin or have too many silk dresses (if the late Duchess of Windsor is to be posthumously believed … you be the judge).
I just read that over … if YOU have even one silk dress, Kev, that’s too many. Angi and I will do all the silk dress (and diamond) wearing in your new presidential administration. We’ll make Sarah Palin look like neanderthal man with our dazzling femininity and fashion sense.
(Stock up on Wheaties, Angi … Sarah’s nearly as awesome as Kev. Maybe you should get some grits too, just in case.)
Whoever said SKOS is too Hollywood is probably just jealous. I get that all the time so you are in dubious company.
Thanks for making me giggle, my friend. I really needed that today.
Jenny’s last blog post: A Way Of Forgiving, Part I
;-) 9.12.08 at 11:23 pm:
If you’ve never read the Wooster and Jeeves stories by P.G. Wodehouse you should. They’re hilarious.
@Angi: why not try rent-a-stalker? They provide excellent service and it does wonders for your self-esteem (you also have the option of having your rent-a-stalker kill you after he/she has cornered you and spilled his/her guts about how he/she would like to meld with your soul–but it’s not very popular. Most folks go with the basic package).
@kev: I say let kev be kev. If you are hollywood then strut your hollywood stuff. Just don’t get it on anything.
Josh H.’s last blog post: Guitar Praise: Yes, That Is What It Is Called
;-) 9.12.08 at 11:28 pm:
Josh…Rent-a-Stalker sounds great! I think I’ll go with your advice and stick with the basic package, though. I still need this stalker to become Hollywood, though, so I can get my cut once they’re done stalking me…I want a personal masseuse, dadgumit!!
;-) 9.12.08 at 11:30 pm:
Better yet, cut out the middle man: stalk a masseuse.
;-) 9.15.08 at 8:17 am:
I want a stalker! Oh wait…
Corrina’s last blog post: In Memory…
;-) 9.15.08 at 2:52 pm:
Thanks, everyone. Not for the kind words (which goes without saying), but for giving this blog post double-digit comments. That hasn’t happened very frequently as of late.
(Don’t cry, Kev…be strong…be strong…)