I'm a cypher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kev and I own this here website.
During passing thoughts on a couple of my older blog posts, I have let it be known I am a huge fan of Coke Zero. When I’m not sitting around being awesome, I’m usually sitting around drinking Coke Zero (while being awesome).
What’s not to love?
It might not taste exactly like regular Coca-Cola, but it tastes like a good, generic, non-diet soda you can find anywhere. It has no calories. It’s packed with caffeine goodness. In short, it’s awesome in liquid form.
Well, last weekend while shopping for groceries, I walked down the soft drink aisle to purchase one or two or ten 2-liters of Coke Zero. However, to my complete and utter dismay, they didn’t have any. They were sold out!
After having recently watched Office Space for probably the 100th time, I decided to go Milton on the grocery store and set it on fire. One, it would make me feel better. Two, it would teach the grocery store a valuable lesson. And three, if the movie is any indication, karma will reward my act of arson by giving me $305,326.13 and a margarita with big grains of salt on the glass.
After I’d finished putting kindling (cheap wine and toilet paper) all over the store, I began looking for the aisle with cigarette lighters and matches. That’s when I found myself back on the aisle with the soft drinks and noticed a product I’d heard about, but had never before tried.
It was Pepsi One.
Pepsi One is Pepsi’s equivalent to Coke Zero — it is a diet drink that doesn’t taste like a diet drink. I’ve always considered Pepsi the red-headed stepchild to Coca-Cola’s perfect son, so I never bothered with it. That is, until that moment.
As satisfying as arson would be, the truth of the matter is I was thirsty. Fire wouldn’t quench my thirst. If anything, it would make me thirstier due to the flames being all hot and stuff. So, I picked up the Pepsi One bottle and inspected it.
“Hmmmm…,” I thought. And yes, I realize it’s unusual to actually think “Hmmmm…” to yourself.
“This is made with Splenda. Coke Zero is made with that aspartame stuff.”
I’m no expert on the subject and I realize there has never been any widely-accepted proof, but there’s a lot of noise (going back years and years) about aspartame being bad for you. So, the fact Pepsi One doesn’t use the stuff at least caught my eye.
Anyway, I decided to spare the lives of the poor grocery store employees and not set the store on fire. I even paid for the items in my grocery cart despite the fact they kept saying, “take whatever you want…just please let us live.”
Among the items in my grocery cart: two bottles of Pepsi One.
And do you know what I discovered when I tried it? I liked it. I liked Pepsi One.
Is it as good as Coke Zero? Well, no. But it doesn’t have aspartame in it. In the off-chance the stuff IS bad for you and will cause my brain to rot, Pepsi One now has a slight advantage over Coke Zero.
So, as the title of this blog post revealed, I am cheating on Coke Zero with Pepsi One. I’ve never cheated on anyone or anything before, so I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel.
Is it normal to hide your head in shame whenever you see an advertisement for Coke Zero?
Is it normal to hold a bottle of Pepsi One and whisper, “do you think she suspects anything?”
Is infidelity supposed to taste this good?
No, seriously. I’m asking.
;-) 9.17.08 at 1:07 pm:
One time, I cheated on crunchy peanut butter with smooth peanut butter. Every time I opened the cupboard and saw the red-lidded jar instead of the blue, I felt a twinge of guilt in the pit of my stomach. I found myself hiding under my bed or in the closet every time I ate peanut butter, on the off chance that someone might see my cheating ways. Finally, the guilt was too much, and I switched back to crunchy for good. I don’t think he knows about my slip up.
I suggest you switch back to Coke Zero. Don’t wait until it’s too late. The guilt isn’t worth it, trust me.
;-) 9.17.08 at 1:59 pm:
Oh, I cheat all the time and I like it fine. Sure, I have preferences but I take what’s available at the time with little or no complaint. Like at the drive-thru: “Blah blah blah and a large Coke or Pepsi or whatever you have,” I always say. When asked, I’ll say Coke is my favorite, but I’ll drink Pepsi and not feel guilty. Same with crunchy and smooth peanut butter. If I want a sandwich I want crunchy but if I’m making cookies, I want smooth. Sometimes, I even have both in the cupboard glaring at each other but they never fight because they both think I’m totally worth it. Am I lascivious? Definitely. But I always get what I want, too.
So don’t feel guilty about liking Pepsi One. If Coke Zero wants you to continue to drink it, it’s going to have to understand that it might have to play nice with Pepsi One. Also, good job on not burning down the store. Even I will admit that the first steps into cheating are hard.
;-) 9.17.08 at 2:47 pm:
I went over to Diet Caffeine-Free Pepsi a long time ago, leaving Diet Coke in my dust. Absolutely no remorse. Nada. Zip.
So I can’t help you, Kev, except to function as an enthusiastic backup singer (Are you with me, Angi and Erin? Sequins will be involved …) when/if you break into a rousing rendition of “If Lovin’ You Is Wrong, I Don’t Wanna Be Right” a la Barbara Mandrell.
As long as Coke Zero hangs around with Aspartame, I’d be amoose-vay.
It’s bad for you.
Know wuddimean?
Jenny’s last blog post: That’s A Lot O’ Open Wah-Uh
;-) 9.17.08 at 2:55 pm:
I can sing a mean doo-wop….
;-) 9.17.08 at 3:08 pm:
You’ll have to pry my Mountain Dew in all of its yummy high-fructose-corn-syrupy and calorie-laden goodness out of my cold, dead hands. So obviously I don’t worry about aspartame poisoning me from the inside out with every sip.
Aspartame gets blamed for everything from a myriad of health problems to alien abductions, much like my poor derided Mountain Dew. For months, everyone insisted my MS was a direct result of the gallons of Dew I Do in any given time frame, “all that caffeine” did it dontchaknow, until I printed off and passed around put-up-or-shut-up studies in which (chuckle to myself) caffeine was being used as a treatment for the mouse equivalent of MS… with positive results (belly laughing out loud).
Moral of the story: Don’t feel bad about the little things that make you feel good.
Angie’s last blog post: Died and Gone To Heaven
;-) 9.18.08 at 1:52 pm:
@Angi: How could you go back to mediocre, crunchy PB when you had the opportunity to taste the extraordinary, smooth PB??
@Erin: Wow, that is incredibly open minded of you. It never occurred to me to have an open relationship with Coke Zero. Hmmm…
@Jenny/Angi: You know, having backup singers who follow me around all day would be neat. It would make my day a LOT more interesting, that’s for sure. When can you start??
@Angie: I have a sudden craving for Mountain Dew…
;-) 9.18.08 at 3:22 pm:
Let me check my calendar………..summer of 2009 is the first I have available. Will that work?
;-) 9.19.08 at 1:08 pm:
I’m available immediately but let me warn you: I’m expensive. The McCain/Palin ticket has a sealed bid in at present … wanna try and top it?
Angie, girl, I like the way you think. Yes indeed, I like it very much. **inhales Diet Caffeine-Free Pepsi**
Jenny’s last blog post: That’s A Lot O’ Open Wah-Uh