I'm a cypher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kev and I own this here website.
The appeal of Dane Cook perplexes me.
Cook, who is now prominently featured in SKOS’s banner alongside the likes of Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and that nutjob Tom Cruise, is a ridiculously popular stand-up comedian who has been in a slew of movies the past few years despite the fact he is neither funny nor talented.
The only two worthwhile projects he has ever been involved with are Kevin Costner’s Mr. Brooks and Steve Carell’s Dan in Real Life. These are projects where Cook wasn’t the star or primary co-star, and his characters were…well, I don’t want to spoil either movie. Let’s just say I was a big fan of the character development in each film.
So, for this week’s Friday Four, I am going to list four awful things I would gladly do instead of seeing Cook’s new movie, My Best Friend’s Girl, which opens today in theaters all over the world. I encourage all of you to help add to the list!
I Would Rather…
Attend a Saw/Hostel movie festival after having eaten sushi purchased from the back of a pickup truck.
These two horror-movie franchises are not for the faint of heart. Their plot devices are merely excuses to film scenes of torture and gore. As such, and I’m scared to think of what this says about society, both franchises are immensely popular.
Rather than be subjected to my own version of torture (i.e. yet another awful Dane Cook movie), I would gladly watch all 14 or however many Saw movies they’ve made as well as the two nauseating Hostel movies I know exist.
And I would watch them all in one sitting after having eaten sushi I bought from some guy named Bubba, who kept them in a cooler in the back of his truck.
I Would Rather…
Be a contestant on Paris Hilton’s new reality show on MTV.
On the upcoming show, which is going to be called “I Wanna Be Paris’ New Best Friend,” people compete for the privilege of becoming — surprise — Paris Hilton’s new best friend.
Somehow, MTV was able to find people oblivious to the fact Paris Hilton is a talentless she-devil unworthy of human contact (much less a best friend). Even so, I would compete for her clueless attention in lieu of seeing Dane Cook’s awful movie. I would even shake her hand.
I’d have to boil my hand in water immediately after, but I’d still shake it.
I Would Rather…
Go to the beach without wearing any sunscreen.Those who know me know what kind of sacrifice this would be — I wear SPF protection of some kind pretty much all the time.
I don’t like the sun. One, it’s too hot. Two, I really don’t like what it can do to people’s skin. I mean, have you seen what the sun has done to George Hamilton lately? His face looks like a leather suitcase.
The sun is out to get us all!
I Would Rather…
Listen to ten straight hours of Billy Corgan singing covers of Backstreet Boys’ songs in a Fargo accent and a lisp.
Compared to the awfulness that is surely to be Dane Cook’s movie, experiencing Billy Corgan (lead singer of Smashing Pumpkins) in a Fargo accent and lisp will be Heavenly.
And by Heavenly, I mean slightly better.
And there you have it. Four incredibly awful things I would rather subject myself to than the new Dane Cook movie.
So, what would YOU add to the list? Am I in the minority on Dane Cook? Do any of you like him? If so, I’d love to hear why you do.
As always, please feel free to leave a comment or two or ten.
;-) 9.19.08 at 10:37 am:
Okay, I could handle hearing about Saw and Hostel and sushi, and I could handle hearing about Paris Hilton, and I could handle hearing about Billy Corgan channeling Fargo…but hold the phone, NO SUNSCREEN!!?
Who are you? And what have you done with Kevin?
…and rather than see Dane Cook’s new movie, I would rather put next year’s tax forms in front of my two cats and say, “Do these for me, please,” and trust that they will. Either way, I’d be throwing away my money.
*Hahahahaha!* (Oh, sorry, I thought since we won’t be watching that movie, you might miss his random spurt of laughter for no reason whatsoever.)
;-) 9.19.08 at 12:13 pm:
Hmm. Don’t hate me, but I actually like Dane Cook. Not for his acting skills or sense of humor (because both are lacking), but simply because, well… boyfriend is pretty darn good-looking!
P.S. I LOVE the picture you chose! That is definitely my best side.
Allison’s last blog post: In honor of my little sister’s birthday, I bring to you an entry entirely about cake
;-) 9.19.08 at 12:29 pm:
I don’t know enough about Dane Cook to say whether I like him. I’ve heard the name and his picture is familiar and I saw Dan in Real Life so I think I know who he is but that’s it.
Spike sells sushi from the back of his motorcycle, FYI.
However, the sunscreen one really shows your dislike, wow. And at the beach, even, dang.
ryc: I love my picture! See, it’s my favorite shot because it looks just like me. I like truth and honesty.
Oh, and…I might have um, not been truthful and honest about the “partly finished blog”. More like, “I know what I’m going to write about next but I have to wait for pictures and I won’t have them until at least the 29th so why start writing until then?” Heh.
Erin’s last blog post: Space Fillers
;-) 9.19.08 at 1:56 pm:
How wonderful, now we get to be subjected to looking at Dane Cook in your sidebar ad (except Allison, since she thinks he’s hunkalicious
).
Is his shirt inside out???
;-) 9.19.08 at 2:37 pm:
I don’t know who this guy is. I can’t even pick him out of the SKOS banner except by process of elimination. I’m out of the loop on this guy, thank God.
I did see Mr. Brooks on pay-per-view many months ago and I thought that was one of the awfullest films ever made. I remember thinking, poor Kevin Costner; he’s scraping the bottom of the barrel this time out. Mercifully, I do not remember Dane Cook’s role in that cinematic fiasco.
Sorry, Kev. Bygones.
Sooooo, knowing the brain-cell depleting, decency-sucking degenerate hijinks Hollyweird is capable of, rather than be subjected to anything what’s-his-name stars or supports in, I would have to say I would rather watch B. Hussein Obama speeches on YouTube all evening.
Now you know the extent of my ambivalence. Scary, isn’t it?
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;-) 9.19.08 at 3:33 pm:
Yeah, he sucks! I got so tired last fall listening to him do all those MLB playoff ads. WTF does he have to do with baseball??!!
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;-) 9.20.08 at 5:27 pm:
Yes, I have to agree that Mr. Cook is an affront. Personally, rather than attend ‘My Best Friend’s Girl’, I would:
1) Roll in a dumpster full of turnips
2) Fall heavily on cobblestones
3) Make a labored joke about a political candidate
4) Peel my own leg.
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;-) 9.20.08 at 8:52 pm:
…I like Dane Cook. Of course, my opinion doesn’t really count because I’m also a habitual liar that really likes controversy. Still, he isn’t that bad.
By the by, Kevin Costner is old and balding. He needs to never do a romance movie ever again. Richard Gere should heed the suggestion as well. Old man romance is icky.
;-) 9.23.08 at 3:29 am:
I would rather shave my head. With a butter knife. I have friends who just adore him and think he’s hilarious but when I strapped myself down and actually watched his stand-up, I was actually BORED. I just don’t “get” him, I guess.
I also can’t watch those “Saw”/ “Hostel” movies. Just too much ick for me. Makes me squirm, and then sleep with the lights on for a month. I’m a sissy. I’ll admit it.
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