In today’s edition of Dear Reader, I will try to help an individual with a most peculiar problem. At 7:09 pm on September 27, 2008, a visitor from Aukland, Australia, came to my site after searching the following:

“my wife hates my snakeskin cowboy”

A big thanks to Google for referring this reader to me.

Dear Reader,

Your search has brought up so many questions I want — nay, NEED — to ask you.

First, is this “person” with the snakeskin outer layer truly a cowboy, or does “he” simply wear a cowboy hat to hide his snake-ish facial features?

Secondly, if he is a cowboy, do you have any photos of him riding on a horse or lassoing a stray calf? If yes, could you please send me some?

Thirdly, where did you find this snakeskin cowboy? Did he run away from the circus? Is he your son?

Fourthly and finally, if he is your son, does that mean you were once romantic with a snake? How does that even work?

My hunch is he’s your son. I cannot imagine someone welcoming an escaped midget freak into their home. A bearded lady is one thing. Heck, I used to to date a bearded lady. But a snakeskin cowboy is entirely different.

If he’s your son, as I suspect, is your wife his step-mother? Do you suspect her dislike of him has more to do with the fact he’s not her own flesh or blood, or because he has scales instead of skin?

My hunch is your wife hates your snakeskin cowboy son because of his scales. I wish there was a simple solution to your problem, but unfortunately there isn’t one. If you want your wife to get over her snakeskin cowboy stepson prejudices, it’s going to take some time, hard work and patience.

Find ways for your wife and stepson to enjoy some quality time together.

For example, do they both like movies? Perhaps watching Anaconda or Snakes on a Plane would help your wife become more comfortable with having a stepson who looks like a snake. As for cowboy films, I recommend Open Range with Kevin Costner and Robert Duvall. It’s very underrated.

The important thing is to encourage them to do things together. Things won’t improve overnight, but they will improve in time. And if they don’t, you will have a decision to make. Do you get rid of your wife, or do you get rid of your son?

My opinion, for what it’s worth: wives are easier to come by than snakeskin cowboy sons who may or may not be able to ride horses and lasso calves.

Sincerely,

kev

P.S. In the remote chance you meant to search for “snakeskin cowboy boots,” tell your wife she is crazy. Snakeskin cowboy boots are awesome.

What sort of advice would YOU have given our friend here? What should he do to get his wife and son to bond? If things can’t be worked out, which one should he give the boot?

As always, leave lots of and lots of comments — one or two or ten, preferrably.