I'm a cypher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kev and I own this here website.
Though it wasn’t nearly as bad as 2007′s collapse, the New York Mets once again blew a late season lead and find themselves sitting at home for the MLB playoffs. It’s a blog-worthy topic, but one I’ve already written. So, the following is a republishing of a blog post from October 1, 2007.
Humanitarian that I am, my heart goes out today to New York Mets players.
A day after completing one of the worst collapses in baseball history, a collapse that saw them lose a 7-game division lead with 17 games to go in the season, Mets Nation is hurting right now. My caring heart compels me to try to help them through this painful time.
As a licensed sports psychologist, which I will be with 4 more years of school and a license, I will try to help Mets players deal with their grief as they go through the five stages of…well, grief.
1. Denial
Many in Mets Nation will be denial about their team’s historic collapse. “At least we made a good run at it,” they might think to themselves. Friend, such thoughts are dangerous. The sooner you come to grips with the fact your team will go down in history as one of the biggest choke artists in the history of sports the sooner you will be able to get on with your life. Granted, the rest of your life will have to be spent being mocked by your fellow human beings, but at least you won’t be in denial about it.
Better to know the world thinks of you as a loser than to go through life blissfully unaware of just how much of a loser you are.
2. Anger
Once past the denial stage, Mets players will become angry. They will be angry about a call an umpire made way back in June. They will be angry at the Florida Marlins for actually showing up to play Sunday even though the game meant nothing to them. They will be angry at themselves for being a Mets’ player.
Embrace the anger. It will lead to hate, which will lead to wrath, which will lead to the dark side (i.e. becoming a Yankees fan). Once a Yanks’ fan, you will be able to forget your sorrows for a few days until the Yanks are ultimately bounced from the playoffs.
3. Bargaining
Eventually, you will come to the bargaining stage. You’ll mutter under your breath that you would trade your wife and three kids for one more chance at the playoffs. And then your wife, who was standing right behind you and heard what you said, will begin throwing your sports collectibles at you as she yells obscenities. And one of your collectibles, probably your autographed Rickey Henderson cleat, will hit you in the head and put you in the hospital.
And while in the hospital, you will mutter under your breath that you would give one of your kidneys if it meant you could go back in time and take back what you said about trading your wife and kids. And then the doctor, who has a cousin in need of a kidney, will put you on heavy medication and pretend to be the devil as you sign a “contract with beelzebub” that is really just a consent-for-surgery form.
4. Depression
Kidneyless, the depression stage will hit you hard. “Why did I bother signing with the Mets,” you might ask yourself.
“Why didn’t I do what my mom wanted and become an accountant?”
“Why did I give beelzebub my kidney?”
5. Acceptance
Finally, in time, Mets players will come to the place where you accept how truly high your collapse ranks in the history of sports. You will look yourself in the mirror and say, “I am a player on the New York Mets and I should be publicly flogged, which is the act of flogging someone in public.”
However, words will not be enough. You need to back up your words with actions. Make up a sign that says “flog me in public,” tape it to your back and then hit the streets.
Your former fans will appreciate your act of accountability as they repeatedly flog you without hesitation or remorse.
It’s Time to Move on
It’s cliche in situations like this to say that things are never as bad as they appear. Well, that’s not true. This is as bad as it appears. You guys do stink and you should be ashamed of yourselves. Retirement, for most of you, is your best option. Retire and disappear from society. If you’re lucky, people will forget how truly awful you were in about fifty years.
Maybe.
Best of luck, guys.
Sorry about your kidneys.
;-) 10.1.07 at 6:10 pm:
Is it too much to hope that you have a program for fans of Chelsea Football Club as we watch the downward spiral of our team? *weeps softly to self*
;-) 10.2.07 at 11:33 am:
That’s a tough one…
I think the best remedy for a soccer fan in mourning is to update their blog. For example, say you are a fan of Chelsea Football Club and you own a Xanga named Tooting Bec, but you haven’t updated it in over a month. The mere act of updating will be cathartic. Plus, it will give your faithful Xanga readers something new to read!
Or…you could take up drinking. Your call.
;-) 10.2.07 at 11:22 pm:
This is why I’m not a sports fan. That, and I don’t understand any of the rules.
;-) 10.3.07 at 12:17 am:
Very helpful of you, Kev. All I know is that The Mets are fortunate to be in the media circus of NYC for a change. A lot of the vitriol that could be heaped upon them has been directed towards James Dolan (the worst owner of any franchise (even Al Davis found success a while ago)) and his main man, Isiah Thomas. The Mets are in many ways a minor league team in this town. People sort of expect them to lose. If it was the Yankees, heads would be rolling.
My wife used to work with a Chelsea fan, and given the time difference between England and California, he was drinking at 8am a few times toward the end of the season. And come on, Erin. Chelsea is like 40-10-10 every year for the last 5 years. Rooting for a team like that is like rooting for the sun to come up. I suggest you root for Aston Villa, because they have the coolest color shirts.
;-) 10.3.07 at 3:20 pm:
Kevin,
You’re right. Updating was helpful even though (as you can tell) I really had to stretch for something to write about. I mean…come on. No updates for a month and that’s what I came up with? Ah, well.
the frogster: I almost fell for Aston Villa a couple of years ago. Actually, I like Tottenham Hotspur because they have the best name ever but I also like Newcastle…just because. Chelsea’s my team because they introduced me to the Premier League. Perhaps I’m a bit sentimental that way. Also, just as it is good and right that the sun come up, it is also good and right that Chelsea should always win.
;-) 10.4.07 at 5:15 pm:
So we have you to thank for getting Tooting Bec to FINALLY update her xanga? Bravo!
As for Steve the Bug’s family.. that horrific experience only served to make me stronger and, I am proud to report, has led to overcoming my fear of killing bugs with my windshield wipers. Killing bugs in ways NOT involving windshield wipers, on the other hand, not so much… so I’ve been carrying a windshield around with me as a shield against the bug fam. It’s unwieldly, yes, but at least I’m protected!
;-) 9.30.08 at 10:48 am:
Now, see, if the Mets had a DH like you’re SUPPOSED to have, it could have made alllllllllllllllllllll the difference…
;-) 9.30.08 at 10:53 am:
@Diesel: See, that’s why you need to go to the games. You are certain to get a seat next to some large, smelly fellow who will be MORE THAN HAPPY to tell you all about the ins and outs of the game!
@Frogster: I miss your blog. Don’t you want to bring it back??
@Erin: Since you’re referencing something from a year ago, you’ve lost me. But hey, how about another Xanga update? Hmmmm?
@Allison: Haha — I vaguely remember that bug dialogue. Have bugs made any appearances in the world of Allison lately? Oh yeah, btw, you need to update your Xanga also!
@Angi: Wow. You do realize that’s blasphemy, right? The designated hitter??? Grrrr….
;-) 9.30.08 at 11:02 am:
Blasphemy only to those who prefer the NL to the AL, pure and holy truth to those of us who are born and bred AL’ers.
;-) 9.30.08 at 11:09 am:
@Angi: Hmmmm. I need to introduce you to the NL brand of baseball. Once you’ve gotten a taste of it, you’ll never want to go back to the boring AL brand where strategy is saved for the plane ride home when the manager and pitching coach play each other in a game of chess.
;-) 9.30.08 at 11:14 am:
Aren’t you a little biased? Aren’t the Slaves an NL team? Wait…Slaves? Graves? Shaves? I can’t even remember, sorry.
;-) 9.30.08 at 11:23 am:
@Angi: Yes, it’s the Shaves. The Atlanta Shaves. It’s a co-ed team of freshly shaven men and women. We should join — they weren’t very good this year.
Oh, and obviously I’m biased to the NL. But it’s easy to be biased when you’ve grown up following the better league.
;-) 9.30.08 at 11:30 am:
I was right the first time. We should totally join. We’d fit right in.
Some would argue with you on your “better league” stance. Because I’m pretty sure the AL has trounced the NL in number of World Series won.
Just sayin’.
;-) 9.30.08 at 12:15 pm:
@Angi: Spider-Man made more money at the box office than Shawshank Redemption. That doesn’t make it a better movie, right?
;-) 9.30.08 at 12:26 pm:
And Shawshank made infinitely better money than
The Boondock Saints both opening weekend and gross sales…
So what’s your point?
;-) 9.30.08 at 3:13 pm:
@Angi: My point is that the AL sucks and Shawshank Redemption was a really good movie. Oh, and that Spider-Man annoyed me.
;-) 9.30.08 at 3:23 pm:
My point is that the AL rules and Shawshank is indeed a good movie. Oh, and Superman annoys me more.
;-) 9.30.08 at 4:42 pm:
@Angi: I guess it shouldn’t surprise me that you think the AL rules. You are, after all, certifiably insane. I think I have an e-mail from you admitting as much.
Oh, and no way Superman annoys you more than it annoys me. That movie made me look up to Heaven and ask God to take me right then and there.
;-) 9.30.08 at 5:02 pm:
I said no such thing.
Did you at least finish the movie? ‘Cause I didn’t. I went to slit my throat and found out I was out of razor blades. Lucky for you.
;-) 9.30.08 at 5:46 pm:
@Angi: If you ever get down Georgia way for a visit, all it’ll take is a single Shaves..er I mean Braves game to change your mind.
@Kev: Next I need the five stages of grief to deal with the Braves finishing next to last.
Josh H.’s last blog post: Back To The Future (The Metal Version)
;-) 9.30.08 at 6:55 pm:
Josh…How can they POSSIBLY be THAT much better than the Mariners!!!?? (Don’t answer that. Please…)
;-) 9.30.08 at 10:49 pm:
That cut me deep, Angi…real deep.
Josh H.’s last blog post: Back To The Future (The Metal Version)
;-) 9.30.08 at 11:03 pm:
Josh…I apologize. Perhaps I should have prefaced that with an, “Extreme sarcasm alert!”
;-) 10.1.08 at 3:38 pm:
Baseball fans are funny. And way more interesting than baseball–which isn’t meant to be an insult. Think how much you like watching baseball. I just said baseball fans are MORE FUN to watch than that! What could be more complimentary???
I WOULD update but I can’t think of anything.
;-) 10.1.08 at 4:03 pm:
@Angi: No, I never finished the movie. I died twenty minutes into it. Paramedics had to resuscitate me.
@Josh: With the Braves, there is only one stage of grief — denial. Keep repeating to yourself, “The Braves did great…the Braves did great.” That should get you through until April.
@Erin: So, your idea of a compliment is to tell us were are way more entertaining than a sport you find boring? On behalf of baseball fans everywhere, thank you. You’ve made us weak in the knees!
Kidding.
Surely you can think of SOMETHING to write about. You’re was witty as any blogger out there. Wow us.
;-) 10.1.08 at 6:10 pm:
It’s called a backhanded compliment. I’m good at those, really good. Because I’m sarcastic and snotty. And I like it. Once, a friend (you remember thepurpleporpoise?) compared me to tuberculosis: “You settle into people’s lives with your subtle wit and charm and then kill them with your snottiness.”
However, if it makes you feel better, I only give backhanded compliments to people I like. Hm, maybe THAT’S why I don’t have any friends.
Erin’s last blog post: I know you have long hair, but…