Back on April Fool’s Day, I wrote four guest blogs for a personal finance site I enjoy and frequently visit. I later republished two of them here at SKOS for those of you who do not like to venture beyond the safe borders of Special Kind of Stupid. Well, possibly thanks to one of these guest blogs — one I have yet to republish here at SKOS — I have apparently hit the big time.

First, read and (hopefully) enjoy the blog post in question. At the end I will fill you all in on what’s happened and how YOU can potentially profit from it.

Planning for Retirement in a Post-Apocalyptic World
Originally Published 4-1-08 at Free Money Finance
by Kev, Comedy Writer Extraordinaire

Worried you will not have enough money for retirement? Your worry may be unnecessary. In a recently released study, researchers at The SKOS Institute predict money will have no real value by the time many of us reach retirement age.

“What most people do not realize is society in the future will be very different than it is today,” remarked Gene Shallot, who was the lead researcher in the study.

“The balance in your bank account isn’t going to matter. Your being able to balance finding food and shelter, and avoiding those d*mn, dirty apes is what will matter.”

After seven years of intense research, Shallot and his colleagues formulated a series of scenarios for the future of mankind. In each, money did not play a significant role in a healthy retirement.

“A world ruled by evil, talking ape overlords was one scenario,” noted researcher Roger Ebert. “Another scenario involves the polar ice caps melting and most of the Earth being underwater. Another is a post-apocalyptic America without a government.

“In that one, the hope of mankind will rest on the shoulders of an unlikely hero carrying a bag of mail, who will look a lot like Kevin Costner.”

What role, if any, money will play in the future depends on the scenario.

“If we’re talking about a future where the earth is underwater, paper will be very hard to come by,” said Shallot. “In that scenario, money will have all sorts of handy uses.

“But otherwise, all money will really be good for is kindling for fire and giving apes paper cuts.”

Ultimately, the Institute concluded the key to a healthy, long retirement is diversification. The old adage, “don’t put all your eggs in one basket,” holds true even in a post-apocalyptic society.

“You need to plan for every possible outcome,” explained researcher Jay Sherman.

“If the Earth is going to be underwater, you need to learn how to swim. If you already know how to swim, begin saving dirt in airtight jars. Dirt will be very valuable in a water-filled society.

“To prepare for a future ruled by apes, go to the zoo every weekend and befriend the monkeys. Feed them bananas. You will be thankful to have them as allies when the apes eventually rise to power.

“And to prepare for a government-less America with a Postman in charge… well, I’m not exactly sure how you can prepare for that one. Buy stamps maybe?”

Enjoyed it didn’t you? Made your sides hurt a little because you laughed so hard, right? Yeah, I know. Just imagine how sore I get writing these things.

Anyway, a couple weeks ago a publicist e-mailed me asking if I would like a free copy of an upcoming, about-to-be-released book. If I enjoyed it they would appreciate it if I reviewed it here at SKOS, and if I really enjoyed it they would give me five more free copies that I could giveaway to my readers. The book title:

How to Profit From the Coming Rapture: Getting Ahead When You’re Left Behind

Now, it’s possible the guest blog you just read had nothing to do with this. It’s possible the publicist who contacted me was looking for humor blogs, found mine, and thought my readers might like the book. The fact I wrote a guest blog that was practically on this very topic is probably a coincidence.

Regardless, I am about to read it to see if I like it. If done well, this book could be hilarious. However, it could also be extremely blasphemous. It depends on how the writers handled the topic.

Assuming it’s the latter, that it’s blasphemous and I hate it, should I do a giveaway here at SKOS anyway?

What say you, good people of SKOS Land?

Last month, I discussed one of my favorite types of comments — the type that says something negative and then dares you to delete it. Yeah, it takes me all of three seconds to delete those kinds of comments. And two of those seconds are spent laughing at the person’s lame attempt at strong arming me into approving their comment.

There is another type of comment I like that’s much lamer, much more pathetic, and a slam dunk certainty of being deleted: the “anonymous” comment.

Anonymous comments are almost always negative, and those who leave them are almost always sad, sad individuals. Seriously, the Internet already allows basic anonymity. Why be lame and take the anonymity up another notch?

Anonymous commenters like to hit and run. They like to visit a site, say something negative, and then run away. However, they don’t like facing any of the repercussions. So, they’ll use a fake name and a fake e-mail address.

For example:

Name: john
E-mail: johndoe123@fake.com

bon jovi rulz!! if you disagreee your a loser!!!! bite me, suckaz!!!

Of course, if anyone tried to e-mail John and have an intelligent discussion on the mediocrity that is Bon Jovi’s music, he or she would quickly discover the e-mail address John used doesn’t exist. Just like Keyser Söze — *poof* — John is gone.

Worse are the individuals who leave anonymous comments on blogs they regularly frequent or, in some cases, on blogs where they actually know the owner.

For example, a friend of mine has been stalked by her ex for over six months now. God bless him, the lad just hasn’t been able to move on. So, he lurks her blog. For a while, that (lurking) is all he did. But now all of a sudden he’s mustered the nerve to begin leaving comments on her site.

Of course, these comments are “anonymous.”

Interesting side note: Did you know you can determine the location of a person who leaves you a comment even if the person gives fake information? I ask because this painfully-obvious fact is apparently lost on my friend’s ex.

Oh well.

What sort of anonymous comments have all of YOU received in the past? How do you handle them? Is there ever an appropriate time to leave someone an anonymous comment? Have any of you left one?

As always, feel free to leave a comment or two or ten. Just don’t leave them anonymously, por favor.

Updates have been slow this week in the World of SKOS. As I mentioned earlier in the week, I have writer’s block. Actually, that is only partly true. I don’t have writer’s block as much as I have humor writer’s block. There is a LOT I could ramble on about regarding the elections or the stock market, but most of it is unfunny.

However, since these Friday Fours of mine are short anyway, I thought I might as well embrace it. So, for this week’s Friday Four, I am going to briefly review four unfunny, ridiculously boring conversations I have had lately. Enjoy!

One

The “Clint Eastwood Owes His Second Career to Kevin Costner” Conversation

In telling my brother about the possibility that Kevin Costner might make a sequel to the movie Bull Durham, I mentioned that Costner had never before made a sequel. I then segued into how the only movie he ever considered doing a sequel for was The Bodyguard, and that Princess Diana was going to be his co-star.

That somehow led me to discuss how Clint Eastwood owed his career revival to Costner. Eastwood’s Academy-Award-winning western, Unforgiven, released in 1992, started his revival. Unforgiven came about, in part, because westerns were popular again thanks to Costner’s Dances With Wolves, an Academy Award winner that came out two years earlier.

Eastwood followed Unforgiven with the hit In the Line of Fire in 1993. In the Line of Fire came on the heels of 1992′s The Bodyguard, starring Costner, and shared its “must save someone important from an assassin” storyline.

Immediately after In the Line of Fire, Eastwood directed and co-starred with Costner in 1993′s underrated A Perfect World. While not a huge box office hit like his previous two films, A Perfect World proved Eastwood was an A+ director.

Since that time, though he has continued starring in the occasional movie, Eastwood has concentrated on directing and been extremely successful at it.

Thus endeth the boring lesson.

Two

The “How Should I Invest” Conversation

I won’t bore you with all the mundane details, but earlier this week Angi had to endure me explaining two potential stock investment possibilities I was considering, and my asking her which one sounded most sensible.

The fact she did not cut off all communication with me right then and there says a lot about how her.

Coincidentally, my mom and both brothers had to listen to this same dilemma.

Three

The “How Do I _______ in Twitter” Conversation

As if the poor girl hadn’t suffered enough, Angi also had to endure my asking her several dozen questions about Twitter in the initial hours after my account opening.

Somehow, even though technology is my field, I had trouble figuring out how to do things. This is probably due to my not reading the “help” or “FAQ” sections, but I digress.

Four

The “Let Me Tell You About the Falcons” Conversation

A co-worker of mine had to endure hearing me talk about the Atlanta Falcons for ten minutes earlier this week. I talked about how surprising Matt Ryan has been as a rookie, how the patch-work offensive line is doing a very good job, how the coaching staff is very savvy, and so on.

In my defense, I only did this after he made ME endure hearing a 5-minute rant about the Atlanta Thrashers.

Hockey — now THERE is a boring topic.

And there you have it. Four boring, boring conversations (most of them one-sided conversations) I had this week.

So, what are some boring things YOU have said or heard lately. Share them with the rest of the class by leaving a comment or two or ten.

I am suffering from writer’s block.

There, I said it.

However, I need to write something. I have updated 4 to 7 times a week for the past few weeks. I haven’t been that prolific as a blogger since…well, I’ve never been that prolific as a blogger.

Anyway, since I have no ideas, but I need to write anyway, I’m just going to ramble about whatever comes to me. I highly doubt any of this will be funny or amusing, and I’ll be shocked if all of it makes sense. But a blog update is a blog update, right? Right?

Twitter Me This

At Angi’s urging, I signed up for Twitter yesterday. I’ll talk more about it in a later blog post I’m sure, but for now I’m still trying to figure the darn thing out. Are any of YOU on Twitter? Do you even know what it is? Don’t be ashamed (well, be a LITTLE ashamed) if you don’t because I knew virtually nothing about it.

If any of you are on Twitter, let me know in a comment below so I can follow/stalk you. If you want to follow/stalk me, just check out the link above.

Preach On, Brother Lloyd

As I have blogged about lately, the stock market and the economy is on my mind. After having one of its worst weeks in history last week, the market had its biggest day since the 1930s yesterday. Today, it’s mixed.

I don’t know how many of you play the stock market, have retirement accounts (IRA, 401k, etc.) or even care about this stuff in the least, but it’s important I unburden myself right now with a rant.

Warren Buffet once said (I am paraphrasing) that the stock market is simply the exchange of money between people who panic and people who are able to keep their cool. I think this is exactly what is going on right now.

Make no mistake: our economy is in bad shape. It is going to get worse before it gets better. But it should not go way down and way up, sometimes in the same day, like it’s been doing lately. That much volatility is abnormal. What is essentially happening is you have two groups of people, the ones who panic and the ones who are ready to take advantage of those who panic.

Panicky people, in the immortal words of Lloyd Dobler: You must chill. You must chill.

Briefly

I like someone. I like someone quite a bit, actually.

(And yes, it is a girl)

Et Tu, Sony Ericsson Walkman Phone?

My mom, one of my brothers and both my sisters are notorious for breaking their cell phones. They go through phones quicker than I go through peanut butter. It’s sad, really. And, as is my way, I remind them how sad it is quite often.

You see, I have had my same phone for three years now. The one I had before this phone I had for one year, and I gave it to my grandparents, who are still using it. So, in four years, two phones — both still alive and kicking. My mom and siblings have collectively gone through, by my estimation, 26 phones during that time frame.

However, it appears an animal, probalby a dog, has a chewed the charger to my phone. Yesterday, I had to hold the charger in place for 30 minutes in order to recharge my phone. I don’t think this technically counts as my phone breaking, but it’s still a bummer.

Wrap it Up

Okay, that’s all I have. This was sad wasn’t it? Maybe my writer’s block is a direct result of my posts not getting many comments lately. What do you think about THAT?

That’s right. I called all of you out. I strongly suggest leaving me comments, or else I’ll have to call you out on Twitter, too.

According to a new report just released by The SKOS Institute, the United States economy is collapsing and everyone should “run for their lives.”

A mere two days into their planned two-month study, SKOS researchers stopped working and began weeping uncontrollably.

“It’s just too much,” sobbed lead researcher Frank Dugan as he curled into the fetal position.

“The economy is never going to recover! Never!!”

For their report, SKOS researchers looked at the beaten-down housing markets, inflation, reduced consuming spending, the plummeting U.S. stock market, the plummeting foreign markets, rising gas prices, the Fed’s lowering of the interest rate, the governments bailout of anyone who did something stupid, and the distinct possibility the winner of the upcoming Presidential election will be the candidate who originally planed to raise the capital gains tax for all investors (not just the rich) and could, conceivably, change his mind again once elected.

“People should take whatever money they have left and bury it,” suggested SKOS researched Angela Bickerman as she dug a hole in her back yard.

“If you don’t own a shovel, use a rock or a stick to dig the hole. Whatever you do, don’t go out and buy a shovel. That would be just plain foolish. The time for reckless spending is over.”

If you don’t own your own home or your home doesn’t have land where you can easily bury your money, Dugan suggested swallowing your money.

“It isn’t pleasant, but so far I’ve swallowed $17 in dimes. Do I feel nauseous? Yes. Do I feel like my money is safe and sound? Absolutely. No one will take better care of my money than the Bank of Me.”

When asked if the fact people were panicking and taking their money out of the stock market in large quantities played a huge hand in the market’s plummet as of late, Dugan became confused.

“I have no idea what you just said. All I know is the time for rational thought is over. It’s time to panic and it’s time to panic good.”

Dugan then vomited and began crying again.

Earlier this year, followers of weird news were treated to the story of a woman who sat on her boyfriend’s toilet for two years. The boyfriend, who infamously explained that his psychologically-scarred girlfriend was “an adult” who “made her own decision,” ended up being sentenced to six months probation for the mistreatment of a dependent adult.

The boyfriend, Kory McFaren, is in the news again.

Now, I fully expected to eventually see his name pop up on the news wire. With someone like him, it was inevitable.

I could envision reading of his arrest after he tried to date a goat or some other farm animal.

I could envision reading of his arrest after he held Ty Pennington hostage until Extreme Makeover: Home Edition agreed to give him a new bathroom.

I could not envision reading about him winning the lottery.

That’s right. The guy who allowed his dependent, troubled girlfriend to sit on a toilet for two years before he sought help for her has won $20,000 in the Kansas state lottery twice this year.

I like to joke about karma as if it was real, but this so is proof it does not exist.

If karma was real, guys like Kory McFaren would not be winning the lottery. They would be “winning” the flu or a bad rash or something.

Of course, it doesn’t surprise me that Kory participates in the practice of flushing money down the toilet (i.e. playing the lottery). It’s such a him thing to do. Of course, since he has won, twice, I guess the joke’s on the rest of us.

A little suggestion to Kory, if I may be so bold, on how he should spend his lottery winnings: big-screen television for the bathroom.

Methinks it will come in handy during your next relationship.

This site and the movie The Ring have a lot in common.

For one thing, both Naomi Watts, the movie’s star, and I are easy on the eyes. We are also both incredibly humble.

Both this site and the movie received mediocre reviews from film critic Roger Ebert. He said the The Ring’s story, “goes beyond contrivance (and) into the dizzy realms of the absurd.” Regarding SKOS he said, “This is not a movie. It’s a blog. Leave me alone or I will call the police.”

However, the main thing the movie and this site have in common is what happens to people who do not tell others about it. In the movie, if you watched a certain videotape you would die within seven days if you did not show the tape to someone else. SKOS is the same way. Once you have visited it, you have seven days to tell someone about it. Or else…

…you die.

Of course, unlike the movie, this seven-day countdown begins anew each time you visit the site. If you tell someone about the site once, that doesn’t make you safe forever. You have to keep telling people. Over and over.

If you’ve ever wondered what happened to people who used to visit the site, but then seemed to drop off the face of the earth, now you know. Rest in peace, my deceased friends. Rest in peace.

For the life of me, I cannot figure out why it hadn’t occurred to me before now that I should let people know about this little tidbit. You’d think this would be the kind of important detail I’d want to make sure people knew.

Huh. Oh well.

“I don’t want to die!,” some of you might be thinking.

Calm down. What was it Mel Gibson said in the movie Braveheart?

“Hey, do I tell you how to lay eggs?

Wait, that isn’t it. That’s from Chicken Run. What was it he said in Braveheart? Oh yes, I remember.

“Every man dies, not every man really lives.”

I think a strong argument could be made that you’re not really living if you aren’t telling at least one person about SKOS each week.

Fine. I’ll help you out. You are all just too adorable for me let you meet untimely demises.

Now, some of you have put SKOS in your blogrolls. Assuming at least one person sees SKOS in your blogroll each week, you’re safe. But if your site was to go down for several days, you could be in trouble.

Some of you have verbally told people about the site in day-to-day conversation. On the surface, this probably seems like a surefire way to avoid the curse. However, if the person you’re talking to wasn’t paying attention, it doesn’t count. I know it’s unfair, but unfortunately I don’t make the rules.

The safest solution is to not put all your eggs into one basket. You need multiple avenues to spread the awesome that is SKOS. That way you can be reasonably sure at least one of them will stick.

Thankfully, there are quite a few avenues available.

Pigeon Carrier

You probably thought transporting messages via pigeons was a thing of the past, but you would be very wrong, my friend. If you’re wanting your message to stand out, ask yourself this question:

“Wouldn’t I pay extra attention to a message delivered to me by a pigeon?”

The answer is yes. Yes you would.

Share This

You have probably noticed the “Share This” icon at the top of every post. If you click it, you are able to share that particular blog post with numerous social networks. It’s pretty much your one-stop-shop for sharing the magic that is SKOS with others. However, most of those social networks I couldn’t care less about. No one uses them.

StumbleUpon

You will find this icon at the bottom of every blog post. This is the one that brings me the most referrals. Whenever someone reviews a blog post of mine, even if it’s a bad review, it brings in several hundred new visitors.

Even people who have new StumbleUpon accounts (which are free, by the way) bring in hoards of new visitors when they review me. Angi reviewed a post of mine less than five minutes after signing up for StumbleUpon, and almost 200 visitors came my way during the next couple hours. It’s amazing really.

Digg

This is another icon you will find at the bottom of every blog post. Digg doesn’t bring in as many visitors as StumbleUpon, but it brings in a nice number.

The more popular you are at Digg (i.e. the more people you have following what you “digg”), the better your referrals. This is true with all social networks, of course, but not to the same extent from my experience. A new StumbleUpon user can still refer a couple hundred visitors. A new Digg user can refer ten users. Maybe.

Shout It From The Rooftops

If you really want to play it safe, I suggest getting a bullhorn and shouting:

“Go check out special kind of stupid dot com! Everybody, go do it now! Please, my life depends on it!”

Angi has been using this particular technique for years now. If you don’t have a bullhorn, that’s okay. Just cup your hands over your mouth and yell as loud as you can.

Humor Blogs

At the bottom of every blog post is this smiling face. Humor Blogs is one of my oldest referrers, and once upon a time they brought in more visitors for me than anyone else.

Times have changed, though — primarily due to the redesign at Humor Blogs that sent SKOS from a top 20 ranking into a ranking somewhere in the 90s. Still, I’m faithful to the old girl, and I’m hopeful I can move back up in the rankings.

When you click on the smiley face, you are taken to a page where you can rate whichever post you were reading. Either you thought it was funny, or you thought it was unfunny. It’s pretty simple. You have to have an account to vote, but (once again) it’s free.

E-mail It

Sometimes, simpler is better.

If you read a blog post at SKOS and know someone who would like it, you can just e-mail it to them by clicking the handy icon at the bottom of every post.

There’s no signup or registration necessary. Just click the icon located at the end of every post, fill in your and your friend’s e-mail address, type a message to your friend (which is optional), and click send.

It’s so easy even Paris Hilton could do it.

Tattoo It

The last method, the safest method, is it to get “SKOS” tattooed to your forehead.

Besides the obvious benefit of keeping you alive, this method has other perks as well. For example, it’s a great conversation starter.

“Is that a tattoo on your forehead,” some random stranger will ask you.

“Why, yes, yes it is,” you will reply. “Thank you for noticing it. It literally made my day.”

“Um, you’re welcome, I guess. What does ‘SKOS’ mean,” the stranger will reply.

“Oh, it is this wonderfully awesome humor blog. You simply must check it out,” you will joyfully exclaim.

And then, in a whisper, you will try to warn the stranger.

“Don’t go to the website. I’m begging you. It will kill you. It will kill us all!”

Of course, if you do this the curse will hear you and kill you on the spot. I’d advise against it.

Don’t Die On Me, People

I hope and pray each of you takes these ideas to heart. They WILL save your life.

Oh, to anyone thinking the simplest solution to all of this is to tell one person about the site and then NEVER come back to SKOS again (and therefore never have to deal with the curse again), I suppose you could do that.

Of course, you’d miss out on my hilarious writing. Is your life really worth that kind of sacrifice?

Yeah, I didn’t think so either. See you tomorrow.

I Wonder How She’d Look With a “Britney” Hairdo?

Corrina from My Random Blog has been a regular at SKOS since January of this year. In blogging time, that is the equivalent of 24 years.

This week, Corrina had a virtual makeover and shared the results with her readers. We are treated to — not one, not two, but — nine different hairstyles sported by Corrina.

I don’t usually go for blonds, but it’s a good look for her. That and the Carrot Top hairdo. Of course, who doesn’t look good sporting “the Carrot.” Am I right?

Did You Bring Me a Monkey?

On Thursday, Kirsten of The Soccer Mom Files discovered the entire Nigerian royal family had been wiped out and she was the sole heir to the $32 million fortune.

Needless to say, Kirsten was thrilled. All she had to do to claim her prize was wire $50k to a nice jungle man with a giant disc in his lower lip.

I’ve never known someone who was royalty. I wonder if Kirsten will give me some jungle land since I’m saluting her? I don’t know what I would do with jungle land, but I bet it’d have monkeys living on it. I’d never have to buy another Christmas gift. I could just give everyone monkeys.

Yes, But PCs Have Vista

My good friend Steve from Undeception has had some computer troubles recently, so he hasn’t been able to update this week. Still, I wanted to salute him, so I’m going a tad farther back than usual and highlighting a blog post about his MacBook.

Steve and my other good friend Josh love Macs. I have never before used a Mac for more than two minutes, so I have been able to remain immune from whatever hold it is the Mac has on my friends. However, I know it’s just a matter of time. Macs took hold of Josh and Steve, and its recently took hold of my brother. I might be next.

Allison, Why Can’t You Be More Like Erin and Angi?

This last one isn’t so much a solute as it is a calling out. You see, Allison, aka Xanga’s sunflower2457, hasn’t updated her site in almost a month.

Meanwhile, fellow Xangian Erin, aka Tooting Bec, has updated her site four times during that span. Reformed Xangian, Angi of We Sleep for Dreaming, has updated her blog 16 times since Allison last updated hers. And, of course, yours truly has updated SKOS approximately 493 times since then.

I say all that to say: It’s time for an update, Allison. Your readers have been patiently waiting. It’s time to hop to it. Chop, chop.

As happens approximately once every three or four years, I went to bed before 9:00 last night. Ten hours of sleep plus caffeine this morning has my brain performing at peak efficiency. Seriously, I’m remembering things I long ago forgot and I’m having epiphanies that are, like, scary insightful.

For example, my high school locker combination was 10-24-32.

The girl in my freshman English class, who also worked in the college cafeteria, was named Penny. In my head, I named her “Pretty Penny” — after the Stone Temple Pilots’ song.

I batted .581 my senior year of high school baseball.

Today is my three-year anniversary at my current place of employment.

The name of the kid in kindergarten none of us liked was Dominic. I don’t remember why we didn’t like him, though. He probably ate glue or something.

Even though he owned a toothbrush and toothpaste, I cannot remember a single instance where my freshman dorm mate Denis brushed his teeth.

Dionne Farris! That’s the name of that girl who had that song that was a hit way back when. Man, that’s been bugging me for years.

Pretty amazing I remember all of that, don’t you think? If you think that’s something, my most profound epiphany occurred to me just a few minutes ago.

In 1997, I took my first girlfriend to see Jennifer Aniston’s movie Picture Perfect in Atlanta. We broke up the next day.

In 2007, though we had officially broken up a couple weeks earlier, I took a girl to see the Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore romantic comedy Music & Lyrics. The following day, she moved to the other side of the country.

What does it all mean?

Well, it means it’s probably wise for me to never take my future wife to go see a romantic comedy in movie theaters anytime during the year 2017.

If history is any indication, doing so would result in my being single the following day.

Have YOU had any epiphanies lately? Feel free to share them with everyone by leaving a comment or two or ten!