I'm a cypher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kev and I own this here website.
On Friday and Monday, I went to another nearby Chinese restaurant for lunch. Once again, I was in the mood for sushi. Why do I go to Chinese restaurants for sushi? Because this is Georgia. Some of our Americanized Chinese eateries actually serve pizza, too. It’s how we roll.
Anyway, as is the custom, after each meal I received a fortune cookie. Alone, each fortune was boring. Put together, the fortunes were very interesting:
Friday: “You will be unusually successful in your business.”
Monday: “You will do well to expand your business.”
As we all know, fortune cookie “fortunes” are hand-written messages from God (He has excellent penmanship). Since He is all knowing, He knows most humans don’t notice subtle messages. So, He speaks to us through fortune cookies.
These fortunes of mine begged obvious questions:
What IS my business?
How do I expand it?
What did God mean in last year’s fortune, “Because of your melodic nature,
the moonlight never misses an appointment?”
At first, the “what is my business” question stumped me. I don’t own my own business. I work for “the man.” What on earth was God referring to?
And then it hit me.
My business is being awesome.
It isn’t so much a job as it is a calling, but nonetheless “being awesome” is what I do.
I’m awesome when I get out of bed in the morning. I’m awesome when I get dressed. I’m awesome when I develop webpages for my “day job.” I’m awesome when I eat my sandwich for lunch. I’m awesome when I pick my teeth with an old, mechanical pencil. I’m awesome when I drive home, get lost, and then find my way again. I’m awesome when I take my afternoon nap.
In short, I’m pretty much awesome twenty-four hours a day and seven days a week. When God tells me, via a fortune cookie, that I am unusually successful at being awesome, I say: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
Of course, His fortune telling me to expand my business of being awesome intrigues me. What does God mean by that?
Am I supposed to be awesome twenty five hours a day?
Am I supposed to recruit others and make them awesome?
Am I supposed to get married and have three-to-five awesome children?
Since the former is impossible, I can only assume God wants me to do one of the latter two possibilities. Or, perhaps, He wants me to do both of them.
Should I create a simple business card (prototype to the left) that I can hand out to anyone I believe to be capable of turning “being awesome” into a full-time job rather than just a hobby?
Do I sign up for personal ads with the heading, “Seeking Awesome Woman to Help Expand My Awesome Business By Bearing 3-to-5 Awesome Children?”
What should I do, people? I need ideas.
How can I expand my business of being awesome?
As always, please feel free to leave a comment or two or ten.
;-) 10.1.08 at 12:44 pm:
Give me a second. My head is spinning from the amount of times you managed to cram the word “awesome” into one blog post (23 times, by the way, in case you were wondering).
One thing’s for sure…nobody but nobody can accuse you of being self-deprecating!
Georgia would do well to start on the road to being “more awesome” if they would start up a real Japanese restaurant with REAL sushi, though. Maybe you could have a chat with them.
;-) 10.1.08 at 1:14 pm:
@Angi: I only counted 21 times. Perhaps I am self-deprecating after all.
;-) 10.1.08 at 1:27 pm:
Did you count your title, the “awesome” in the fortune cookie photo, and the “awesome” on your business card?
;-) 10.1.08 at 1:31 pm:
@Angi: Yes for the title. As for the photos…I don’t think those count.
;-) 10.1.08 at 1:35 pm:
I do. They’re included as part of your blog, and you wrote the word into them…But whatevs. Tomayto, tomahto. It’s double digits, it’s impressive either way.
Er…awesome.
;-) 10.1.08 at 1:41 pm:
@Angi: Well, we’ll have to agree to disagree on this one. Is a picture of an apple the same thing as a real apple? Can you cook with it? Can you eat it? The same holds true for a picture of the word awesome. It’s not the same thing.
;-) 10.1.08 at 1:47 pm:
………..isn’t a “photo” of the word “awesome” pretty much the same thing as it being typed into the actual body of your blog? Either way, it’s printed on the screen, whereas you can actually hold an apple in your hand and eat it. No matter how you cut it, the word “awesome” is always going to either be a photo of the word or the word typed onto the screen itself…you typed the word onto that fortune, and you typed it onto that business card, same as you typed it into your post itself. You didn’t write it onto a piece of paper, snap a photo, scan in the photo and paste it into your blog…
;-) 10.1.08 at 1:52 pm:
@Angi: Actually……..that is exactly what I did. In fact, that’s MY hand in the business card photo. It scanned pretty nicely, don’t you think?
;-) 10.1.08 at 1:52 pm:
Even IF that were true, by my standards it would still be 23 times. By yours, it would still be 22.
;-) 10.1.08 at 1:54 pm:
@Angi: “IF” it were true? You doubt me??
;-) 10.1.08 at 1:57 pm:
Doubt, verb: To consider unlikely.
Yes.
;-) 10.1.08 at 1:59 pm:
@Angi: That hurts.
Why must you try to humiliate me in such a public forum?
;-) 10.1.08 at 2:00 pm:
It’s what I do. I humiliate people in very public forums. The more they deserve it, the better, and the more nobody has a clue what I’m talking about, the better.
;-) 10.1.08 at 2:08 pm:
@Angi: You do realize you have caused me to hyperventilate, curl into a ball, weep uncontrollably and shout, “Please don’t do this.”
Right?
;-) 10.1.08 at 2:11 pm:
Well, crap. I’ll mail you some tissues.
Would you feel better if I lent you a hoodie?
;-) 10.1.08 at 2:12 pm:
Maybe you could start the American Awesomists Association.
Skip DeKades’s last blog post: Madonna Ends Presidential Campaign
;-) 10.1.08 at 2:20 pm:
@Angi: Yes. And shoes. Lend me shoes that are too small for me. I’ll stretch them out real good.
@Skip: The AAA. I like it!
;-) 10.1.08 at 2:20 pm:
I’ll even throw in a t-shirt for good measure. But only if you let me be in the Triple A.
;-) 10.1.08 at 2:26 pm:
@Angi: Oh, so now Miss “You Said ‘Awesome’ 8 Billion Times” wants to be in the club, eh? I’m afraid you’ll have to throw in more than a t-shirt. What else you got?
;-) 10.1.08 at 2:32 pm:
Well, the “You said ‘Awesome’ 8 billion times” was supposed to be a compliment, but since someone is apparently a little hypersensitive, fine. I will acquiesce to your demands.
I can make 8 different kinds of peanut butter cookies.
;-) 10.1.08 at 2:35 pm:
@Angi: Hypersenstive? Do I have to hyperventilate again??
Excellent. I do love me some peanut butter cookies. You’re very close to getting into the club. Can you sweeten the pot a little?
;-) 10.1.08 at 2:39 pm:
This better be a dang good club!!!!!!!!!!
Um….what do you want?
;-) 10.1.08 at 2:43 pm:
@Angi: Oh, it is. I’m in the club. Of course it’s dang good.
I would like an autographed photo of you. And it has to be a good photo…one with you smiling. And one where your face isn’t covered. Oh, and it’s got to be a closeup (I’ll have none of this ’send a photo taken a football field away’ nonsense).
Those are my terms. One autographed Angi photo.
;-) 10.1.08 at 2:44 pm:
Can I e-mail it?
;-) 10.1.08 at 2:53 pm:
@Angi: You’re going to take a photo of yourself, autograph it, scan it into a computer and e-mail it to me?
I would prefer you deliver it in person, but short of that e-mail works fine (assuming you’re doing the steps I outlined above).
;-) 10.1.08 at 2:54 pm:
Sigh. I’ll make you a deal. If you let me be VP of the club, I’ll meet you halfway and deliver a real photograph.
How’s……like…..Oklahoma? Since I already know my way there and all.
;-) 10.1.08 at 3:26 pm:
@Angi: Oklahoma seems like an odd meeting place, but okay…you’ve got yourself a deal. Just be sure you don’t forget to bring the autographed photo.
Seriously.
;-) 10.1.08 at 3:30 pm:
It’s not THAT odd.
I won’t forget. Bring a camera, you can take extras yourself.
;-) 10.1.08 at 3:48 pm:
No, no! Meet in Nebraska! That’s about halfway!
Also, you have very nice nails in the photograph of your business card. Didn’t you also say you had pretty hair?
;-) 10.1.08 at 3:56 pm:
@Angi: It’s kind of odd.
If I bring a camera and take extra photos, will you autograph those, too??
@Erin: Nebraska, eh? What do you think, Angi.
Why thank you. I make it a point to keep my hands, and nails, looking nice. And yes, I did say I had beautiful hair. Can you not tell in my black and white photos?
;-) 10.1.08 at 4:03 pm:
It’s really not that odd, if you think about it.
Bring a Sharpie along with the camera and I will.
Nebraska…Oklahoma…Nebraska…hey, how come Erin doesn’t have to do any of the traveling??
Huh, Erin?
;-) 10.1.08 at 6:00 pm:
SOMEONE has to provide a neutral meeting spot for the negotiations. Why not me? I’m neutral. Nebraska starts with n-e. So does neutral. Neutral Nebraska.
;-) 10.1.08 at 6:01 pm:
Negotiations also starts with n-e. Negotiations should be in Neutral Nebraska. Ha ha, I crack myself up.
Erin’s last blog post: I know you have long hair, but…
;-) 10.1.08 at 6:01 pm:
Erin…well, when you put it THAT way…
;-) 10.1.08 at 6:38 pm:
**psstt!**
A little insider knowledge: that’s not Kev’s hand. And frankly, I’m surprised he’d claim such, given that it’s almost undoubtedly a female hand.
There. Now, if I’m not made executive vice president of the aforementioned club, everyone may count on me spilling a few more of Kev’s secrets — purely accidentally, of course.
Steve’s last blog post: The Mac is back
;-) 10.1.08 at 9:43 pm:
Uhm … Kev and Angi? You guys ever hear of the telephone? Amazing instrument … two people can hold an actual conversation!
Of course, then Erin and Steve and I would be left alone here. Not good.
Just kidding. You guys are simply fascinating, eight days a week.
And Kev, my only advice to you is to remember always that the gifts and calling of God are without repentance.
Means, you cannot ever stop being awesome.
Jenny’s last blog post: AHHHHHHHCTOBER!
;-) 10.2.08 at 10:37 am:
@Steve: How are you doing today, Mr. Vice President?
@Jenny: Tele…phone? I’m intrigued. Tell me more.
Thanks! Are we really that fascinating? I just assumed we were odd.
;-) 10.3.08 at 6:48 am:
Um, I wish I had words of wisdom, but I’m with Angi- my head spins over how many times you said “awesome”. Good job!
Oh and I talked to God today (like I do every day, believe it or not) and He said that you were, in fact, awesome. He also said that you don’t need to do anything else except share your awesomeness with the world. So far, so good! LOL
Corrina’s last blog post: My Hotness Is Fierce