Report: People Should Bury Their Money
by kev on October 10, 2008 

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According to a new report just released by The SKOS Institute, the United States economy is collapsing and everyone should “run for their lives.”

A mere two days into their planned two-month study, SKOS researchers stopped working and began weeping uncontrollably.

“It’s just too much,” sobbed lead researcher Frank Dugan as he curled into the fetal position.

“The economy is never going to recover! Never!!”

For their report, SKOS researchers looked at the beaten-down housing markets, inflation, reduced consuming spending, the plummeting U.S. stock market, the plummeting foreign markets, rising gas prices, the Fed’s lowering of the interest rate, the governments bailout of anyone who did something stupid, and the distinct possibility the winner of the upcoming Presidential election will be the candidate who originally planed to raise the capital gains tax for all investors (not just the rich) and could, conceivably, change his mind again once elected.

“People should take whatever money they have left and bury it,” suggested SKOS researched Angela Bickerman as she dug a hole in her back yard.

“If you don’t own a shovel, use a rock or a stick to dig the hole. Whatever you do, don’t go out and buy a shovel. That would be just plain foolish. The time for reckless spending is over.”

If you don’t own your own home or your home doesn’t have land where you can easily bury your money, Dugan suggested swallowing your money.

“It isn’t pleasant, but so far I’ve swallowed $17 in dimes. Do I feel nauseous? Yes. Do I feel like my money is safe and sound? Absolutely. No one will take better care of my money than the Bank of Me.”

When asked if the fact people were panicking and taking their money out of the stock market in large quantities played a huge hand in the market’s plummet as of late, Dugan became confused.

“I have no idea what you just said. All I know is the time for rational thought is over. It’s time to panic and it’s time to panic good.”

Dugan then vomited and began crying again.