I’m Your One-Stop Source For All Post- Apocalyptic Financial News

Back on April Fool’s Day, I wrote four guest blogs for a personal finance site I enjoy and frequently visit. I later republished two of them here at SKOS for those of you who do not like to venture beyond the safe borders of Special Kind of Stupid. Well, possibly thanks to one of these guest blogs — one I have yet to republish here at SKOS — I have apparently hit the big time.

First, read and (hopefully) enjoy the blog post in question. At the end I will fill you all in on what’s happened and how YOU can potentially profit from it.

Planning for Retirement in a Post-Apocalyptic World
Originally Published 4-1-08 at Free Money Finance
by Kev, Comedy Writer Extraordinaire

Worried you will not have enough money for retirement? Your worry may be unnecessary. In a recently released study, researchers at The SKOS Institute predict money will have no real value by the time many of us reach retirement age.

“What most people do not realize is society in the future will be very different than it is today,” remarked Gene Shallot, who was the lead researcher in the study.

“The balance in your bank account isn’t going to matter. Your being able to balance finding food and shelter, and avoiding those d*mn, dirty apes is what will matter.”

After seven years of intense research, Shallot and his colleagues formulated a series of scenarios for the future of mankind. In each, money did not play a significant role in a healthy retirement.

“A world ruled by evil, talking ape overlords was one scenario,” noted researcher Roger Ebert. “Another scenario involves the polar ice caps melting and most of the Earth being underwater. Another is a post-apocalyptic America without a government.

“In that one, the hope of mankind will rest on the shoulders of an unlikely hero carrying a bag of mail, who will look a lot like Kevin Costner.”

What role, if any, money will play in the future depends on the scenario.

“If we’re talking about a future where the earth is underwater, paper will be very hard to come by,” said Shallot. “In that scenario, money will have all sorts of handy uses.

“But otherwise, all money will really be good for is kindling for fire and giving apes paper cuts.”

Ultimately, the Institute concluded the key to a healthy, long retirement is diversification. The old adage, “don’t put all your eggs in one basket,” holds true even in a post-apocalyptic society.

“You need to plan for every possible outcome,” explained researcher Jay Sherman.

“If the Earth is going to be underwater, you need to learn how to swim. If you already know how to swim, begin saving dirt in airtight jars. Dirt will be very valuable in a water-filled society.

“To prepare for a future ruled by apes, go to the zoo every weekend and befriend the monkeys. Feed them bananas. You will be thankful to have them as allies when the apes eventually rise to power.

“And to prepare for a government-less America with a Postman in charge… well, I’m not exactly sure how you can prepare for that one. Buy stamps maybe?”

Enjoyed it didn’t you? Made your sides hurt a little because you laughed so hard, right? Yeah, I know. Just imagine how sore I get writing these things.

Anyway, a couple weeks ago a publicist e-mailed me asking if I would like a free copy of an upcoming, about-to-be-released book. If I enjoyed it they would appreciate it if I reviewed it here at SKOS, and if I really enjoyed it they would give me five more free copies that I could giveaway to my readers. The book title:

How to Profit From the Coming Rapture: Getting Ahead When You’re Left Behind

Now, it’s possible the guest blog you just read had nothing to do with this. It’s possible the publicist who contacted me was looking for humor blogs, found mine, and thought my readers might like the book. The fact I wrote a guest blog that was practically on this very topic is probably a coincidence.

Regardless, I am about to read it to see if I like it. If done well, this book could be hilarious. However, it could also be extremely blasphemous. It depends on how the writers handled the topic.

Assuming it’s the latter, that it’s blasphemous and I hate it, should I do a giveaway here at SKOS anyway?

What say you, good people of SKOS Land?

About Kevin

Who am I? I am a cipher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kevin and I own this here website.

11 thoughts on “I’m Your One-Stop Source For All Post- Apocalyptic Financial News

  1. The people in Congress proposing this are morons. They DO realize that money in 401k plans is taxed once it’s withdrawn, right? The money is tax DEFERRED, not tax exempt. They’re acting like people who choose to use 401k plans are somehow getting around a tax loophole and it’s their duty to close the loophole shut.

    Lord help us all if this is indeed a harbinger of things to come…

  2. All part of the process of governmentalizing everything.

    If this happens, all the smart people will quit using 401k’s and just take their chances with a regular ol’ savings account.

    …”Remember when some things were actually privatized and we actually had control over our money??? Those were the good old days.”

  3. No joke. Seriously, who with HALF A BRAIN could possibly think that any act that would even remotely discourage people from investing their money into the stock market — into mostly AMERICAN companies — is a good idea?

    Gee, I wonder why the GOVERNMENT wants us to be putting our retirement money into GOVERNMENT bonds? That’s a brain teaser.

    Congress, if I wanted an investment vehicle that is guaranteed not to keep up with inflation, I would just bury my money in my back yard like my crazy neighbor.

  4. @Erin: You know, given how cold it’s been at night lately, a book burning sounds like a good idea. Are you SURE it wouldn’t make me look like a zealot?

  5. I vote that you do the book give away anyway, so I can read it because the title makes me laugh a lot! But then after I’m done we can have a group book burning. I mean how fun is a book burning if you’re only burning one book anyway. Imagine the non-zealous raging fire we could get if we burned 6 books instead of one. That fire would last at least an….hour.

  6. My guess is the book is probably a joke. Since I disagree with how the writers of Left Behind view the end times so I’m not that offended. But regardless of where I stand on eschatology, it is still a despicable thing to write about.

    My vote? Burn, baby, burn.

    Josh H.’s last blog post: christianity in action

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