I'm a cypher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kev and I own this here website.
Did everyone get a copy of the syllabus? Good. What’s that, Suzie? The boys sitting in the back didn’t get a syllabus?
Boys, why didn’t you grab a copy of the syllabus when you walked in? What do you mean you don’t give a rip if you pass the class or not? Actually, never mind. Here is a syllabus for each of you.
Class, I am your professor. My name is Dr. Kevin O’Bama. Yes, it’s an Irish name. Why do you ask, Suzie?
Anyway, this is Socialism 101. I don’t believe I am exaggerating in the least when I say this class will change your life.
Sorry, I’m getting teary eyed.
Any questions before we begin? Yes, you in the back. You had a question?
Okay. Thank you for waking up and participating, but that wasn’t a question as much as it was a comment. Also, that isn’t a very nice thing to say about my wife.
Please read over the syllabus for the next five to ten minutes. I will then answer any questions you might have.
(10 minutes later)
Alright, let’s get started. Does anyone have a question regarding anything outlined in the syllabus? Yes, Suzie.
That’s an excellent question. You see, class, here in Socialism 101 we believe that all students should have the same chances for success. Someone smart doesn’t deserve an “A” any more than someone who isn’t so bright — for example, the young man sitting in the back carving something into his arm with a knife.
That is why I am going to take points away from those of you make A’s and give them to students who make C’s, D’s and F’s. Most of the points will be given to those who make F’s, of course, because they need them the most.
Yes, Suzie. You have a follow-up question?
It’s not that I want to punish your success, Suzie. I just want to make sure that everybody who is behind you sleeping in class right now has a chance for success, too.
My attitude is that if the grades in the class are good for folks from the bottom up, it’s gonna be good for everybody. Just imagine how much better our class will be if the couple making out in the back of the classroom made good grades just like you, Suzie.
I think when you spread the points around, it’s good for everybody.
Any more questions? Anyone besides Suzie?
Okay, yes Suzie?
Ah yes, the extra credit points. Unfortunately, Suzie, I’m afraid the fact you are attentive, literate and have a good work ethic will make you ineligible for the extra credit. Besides, these “extra” points I will be giving are points I took away from you and your smart colleagues. It wouldn’t make much since for me to take points away from you and then turn around and give them right back. Right?
You see, class, only those of you who need them the most are eligible to receive extra credit points. For example, the young lady in the corner wearing the “Fergalicious” tank top is most likely going to be eligible. The young man sitting right here in front of me who has been writing down every single word I’ve spoken will most likely not be eligible.
Class, I know this may seem unfair, but you’ll have to trust me when I say it’s good for everyone this way. I know it’s never worked for any other class, but I know THIS will be the class that makes it work. When I was in college, I specifically chose professors who would teach me how to implement this way of teaching.
Now, let’s get started! Is everyone ready?
Suzie, why did you put your notebook and pencil away?
What do you mean there’s no reason you should work hard?
;-) 10.29.08 at 4:58 pm:
That’s not socialism, you racist.
;-) 10.29.08 at 5:16 pm:
No I’m not.
;-) 10.29.08 at 5:24 pm:
LOL Racist…. LOLOLOL
Yeah, why should I work, either? And this kind of system breeds dishonesty, people wanting to cheat the system to pay less instead of paying what’s “fair.” Unfortuantely, fair is in the eye of the beholder, and the crackhead who has never worked in his life and has 4 baby mamas who is standing in the foodstamp line thinks it’s COMPLETELY fair to tax “a rich guy” 40% of his income. I also said it was only a matter of time before 250K became 200K (I was right, just saw that one yesterday) and now Idiot Joe has it down to $150K. Face it, there isn’t gonna be a tax break for anyone, with all the credits he is handing out – someone’s gotta pay for them and it sure ain’t gonna be BARRY.
Angie’s last blog post: Open Letter to John McCain
;-) 10.29.08 at 6:17 pm:
Kev, a most excellent post. I have not figured out yet how it is that some of my friends and coworkers are completely OK with this new “share and share alike” way of thinking. I remain speechless when the subject comes up because my head will explode and then I’ll have one hell of a mess to clean up. I’m stunned and wonder how it is that socialism became OK all of a sudden.
I must go now. I feel some pressure on my head.
Kathy’s last blog post: How to Make a Grown Woman Cry
;-) 10.29.08 at 8:05 pm:
Great post. We need to be able to laugh in hard times. Which is exactly what we will have if Obama insane, is elected
;-) 10.29.08 at 8:24 pm:
You know, the blogosphere is not very fair, kev. I think you need to spread the wealth around and give me some of your readers. I mean why should YOU have all the readers just because you post a lot and work hard to self-promote while I post maybe once a week? What’s fair about that? huh? HUH?
Josh H.’s last blog post: christianity in action
;-) 10.29.08 at 8:39 pm:
Great post, Kev! Definitely one of your best!
;-) 10.29.08 at 11:01 pm:
it’s definitely a simplified version of what he plans to implement, yet when i’ve given the same illustration to my friends who support him, rather than provide a different vision of what he intends, they simply attack me for being selfishly unwilling to share my greedy capitalistic gains that i won by being an elite, privileged member of the exploitive class with those who suffer so i may live the life they work so hard to support. gosh, that’s a convincing argument.
;-) 10.29.08 at 11:35 pm:
The sleeping guy is quite attractive. No, not because he has great bone structure and all that (he does) but because he’s got such great potential! Guy like that could bring in enough money for him AND me! And then if I just slept all the time, too? Wow.
Erin’s last blog post: It’s sugary, acidic, and completely artificial, it’s…
;-) 10.30.08 at 8:26 pm:
Let’s get busy and shut this Bozo down. That’s what I call spreading the wealth.
Kev, you are erudite to the point of being overly awesome. Please run for President in ’12. Angi, Erin, and I volunteer to glamorize the campaign trail.
You may refer to me as Jenny the Writer, who never got anything she didn’t work for … except the grace of God.
Jenny’s last blog post: Brooke’s Wish … Part One
;-) 10.31.08 at 12:40 pm:
@Angi: Aren’t you going to apologize?
@Angie: Yep, you are absolutely right. When all is said and done, no one who ACTUALLY PAYS TAXES will see any tax breaks. Nope, not gonna happen.
@Kathy: Thanks! Yes, I am right there with you. It hurts my head just thinking about it.
@Melissa: Unfortunately, we might have to laugh so hard we hurt our ribcage and lose our voice.
@Josh: Unfortunately, you do not qualify, my friend. Only bloggers who NEVER blog or only blog once in a blue moon are entitled to a piece of my readership. Sorry, but that’s how Socialism works.
@Renee: Thank you!
@gianna: No joke. Don’t you just love it when people attack your way of thinking rather than have a rational, calm debate? People who attack do so because logic isn’t on their side.
@Erin: You mean you’re going to dump my old dormmate Denis for the sleeping guy??
@Jenny: Thanks! Of course, don’t you have to be at least 35 to be President? I wouldn’t qualify in 2012. Of course, if people can overlook the fact Obama might not even be a natural born citizen, surely they can overlook my being too young. Right?
;-) 10.31.08 at 1:00 pm:
Well, I wasn’t going to. You know what they say about offense – it only hurts you.
I sure hope we don’t laugh so hard we hurt our ribcages and lose our voices, because under Obama, we may not get in to see a doctor for a year or five.
;-) 10.31.08 at 4:13 pm:
Great analogy, says I, the queen of analogies.
“It wouldn’t make much since”–was the misspelling of sense intentional? ‘Cause it’s kind of funny, if so.
;-) 10.31.08 at 5:43 pm:
I’m going to send this to everyone in my personal AND work addys. Then I’m going to buy email address lists and send it to them too! Amazingly accurate, well-written analogy which makes me wonder anew how this guy got as far as he has (the easy part) but why are so many people supporting him (??? the bizarre part).
;-) 11.3.08 at 8:21 pm:
That depends on how much Denis sleeps.
;-) 3.4.09 at 4:02 pm:
[...] are uncertain times in which we’re living. The economy is in shambles. We have a socialist as president who, likely because he doth protest too much, has wall street worried banks could [...]
;-) 10.31.09 at 2:09 pm:
[...] blogger searched through his archives. For the online writing example, he supplied a link to his Welcome to Socialism 101 post from a year ago. For his writing sample, he modified the Entitlement: The Silent Killer blog [...]
;-) 2.2.10 at 1:44 pm:
I stumbled onto your blog looking for info about the insane rampant socialism that’s taking over the “minds” of our politicians, teachers, and other pod people surrounding us. And I have to tell you: I love your site! I love the design (would like to see what your other designs for this site were), love your wit, your wicked sense of humor, and I think I may be in love with you. Alas, I am truly old, not a youngun like you. Okay, I’m in my early 50′s, emphasis on the “early”.
(I’m a female, btw. Thought I’d mention that, given the spelling of my name. I’m always getting mail addressed to Mr. instead of Ms.)
I subscribed to your feed and I’m looking forward to enjoying your special kind of stupid posts–that didn’t come out the way I meant it to. Um… ‘Kay, bye!
;-) 11.6.10 at 7:15 pm:
jahhh, I´m Argentine…and believe me this is more or less what is happening in our classrooms today…(my laugh is just because your post is soo funny…but in reality, everything makes me almost burst into tears…)
;-) 5.26.12 at 10:33 am:
You ought to put a subtitle to socialism 101 to brainwhasing 101.