Monthly Archives: November 2008

Random Thoughts

I am, dear readers, suffering from writer’s block. You may all take pity on me.

Now, I am capable of coming up with ideas when I have writer’s block, but these ideas are rarely substantial enough to turn into a full-length blog post. Think of them like Saturday Night Live skits. SNL skits are sometimes tolerable for three to five minutes, but when those skits are turned into 90-minute, feature-length films they become unbearable.

In short, my blog ideas when I have writer’s block are like A Night at the Roxbury.

So, what I will do until the writer’s block subsides is group these skit-length ideas together. Some of these will be hits, most will be misses, and at least one will cause you to doubt my sanity.

Why is Times New Roman the default typeface for Microsoft Office Products? If Bill Gates wants Microsoft to be edgier, he should switch to Verdana.

For my money, the best way to let a girl know you’re interested is keying the words “call me” into the side of her car.

A lot of people have been making fun of the Georgia rapper who was sentence to 20 years in prison last week after he confessed to shooting a person, by name, in a song, but not me. Rhyming is hard, people. Have some sympathy.

Whatever happened to the musical group The Cranberries? Wikipedia says the band has been on hiatus since 2003. No wonder the past few Thanksgivings have felt so hollow.

A female in her 20s, who must be a new employee since I’ve never seen her before, smiled and said “hi” to me in the breakroom yesterday. I’m sure she was just being friendly, but I threw my coffee in her face anyway. There are a lot of crazies in the world — you can never be too careful.

If “ifs” and “buts” were candy and nuts, would we REALLY all have a wonderful Christmas? What about the people who are diabetic or have peanut allergies?

I have given all of you a lot to ponder and discuss. Please show your appreciation by leaving a comment or two or ten that shares some of the random thoughts YOU have had lately.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

Quality #6 I Look for in a Woman: Doesn’t Fall for Nigerian E-mail Scam

He who knows what he wants will have happy, happy, joy, joy.
- An Old Kev Proverb

In my head, there are numerous checklists I keep.

For example, whenever I leave my house, leave work or get out of my car I do a quick “phone… wallet… keys” checklist in my head. If I’m packing my suitcase for a trip, there is a long mental checklist I run through that includes things like socks, boxer briefs and fake IDs. And if I’m deciding on a movie to watch, my trustworthy “no Keanu, no Pauly Shore, no talking baby and no animal sidekick” checklist has always served me well.

I have one checklist I keep that is constantly growing. It’s my list of things I look for in a girl. Some of the items on this checklist have been on it forever (shares my faith, good sense of humor, etc.), but most are things I’ve added due to personal experiences or observations.

For example, last year I added “does not snore” to the list after I found myself in a cabin unable to sleep due to numerous loud snorers. When I dated someone convinced she was going to die before age 30, I added “minimal emotional baggage” to the list. And when that John Wayne Bobbit story broke out in junior high, I added “not named Lorena Bobbit” to the list.

Actually, I added that one twice just to be safe.

This week, I added “does not fall for the Nigerian e-mail scam” to the list after reading about a gullible, ridiculously stubborn woman from Oregon. This woman, Janella Spears, is out $400,000 after falling for this well-known Internet scam. She mortgaged her house, took a lien out on the family car, and raided her husband’s retirement account.

So what was the scam? According to the Associated Press story:

…(Spears) simply became curious when she received an e-mail promising her $20.5 million if she would only help out a long-lost relative identified as J.B. Spears with a little money up front.

No one is gullible enough to fall for that, right?

Wrong.

It was the ability of the scammers to identify her relative by name that Spears found particularly persuasive. “That’s what got me to believe it,” said Spears. “So, why wouldn’t you send over $100?”

Of course, she didn’t stop at sending just $100. She kept sending the scammers money. She sent them money for two years. The article states that her family and bank officials all told her it was a scam, but she was obsessed with getting paid her millions.

To simply call this a woman a moron is an injustice to morons everywhere.

She is an educated professional who should be much, much too intelligent to fall for such a scam. The fact she DID fall for it proves she is gullible, but also selfish, greedy and stubborn. She didn’t listen to people who warned her. She didn’t have a problem putting out her husband by mortgaging their home and zapping his retirement account. She did what she wanted to do — no matter what loved ones said or how insane it may have seemed.

I would rather marry whatever waste of space “wins” on that Paris Hilton’s My New BFF reality show than marry someone like Janella Spears.

And that is saying a LOT, people.

Say Hello to Mr. Grumpy Pants

I am a pretty laid-back individual. I think it comes across in my writing, which is probably why I rarely receive negative comments here at SKOS. I don’t like drama and I don’t go looking for drama, and so I do a pretty good job avoiding drama.  Of course, the small number of negative comments could be a direct result of a small number of readers, but I digress.

Apparently, one morning last week, I was grumpy. It might have been because I had not yet had any caffeine. It might have been because I was depressed by the distinct possibility we had just elected a Marxist who isn’t even a natural-born citizen as president. It might have been because I was having a bad hair day. Whatever the reason, I had a not-so-good-natured reaction to a particularly ridicilous comment someone had left me.

The comment had been for my satirical He’s All That (How Obama Won the Election) blog post. To those who did not read the post, it was a fake news article that had political commentator Keith Olbermann and VP-elect Joe Biden telling the story of how Barack Obama was ultimately elected president after the two of them watched the Freddie Prinze Jr. movie She’s All That and decided to make a bet of their own.

It was a sarcastic, completely over-the-top humor post that combined made up facts and quotes with real facts and quotes. Anyone with half a brain could easily see it was fake and meant to entertain.

With that said, here is the comment in question:

Let me just say that it’s important to check out facts before commenting on them. Even with the press, you cannot always believe what you read, but there are places on web that verify claims like this. It’s these types of website time to research the data, making sure they give you a valid answer, meaning if the article or facts or true or false. My point here is I would verify the information before I would believe or comment on it.

At first, I thought this was a spam comment. “Check out facts before commenting on them?” One, this was extremely generic. Two, clearly this was not a comment from an actual person who actually read the blog post. No one is that dense.

But then I noticed that no URLs were included in the comment. Spam comments almost always have a URL they want readers to click. Could this comment be real? Could there be someone in the world that oblivious and humorless?

Rather than ignore or delete this comment, I chose to respond to it. Inexplicably, I also chose to take a jab at the individual who left it.

This is (clearly) your first visit to this site. First, let me welcome you. It’s always nice to have new readers. Secondly, as the site’s name suggests, this is a humor site. Everyone who left a comment to this blog post (well, everyone except you) thought it was an attempt at humor with a few real facts/quotes sprinkled amongst fake ones.

I also included a more detailed explanation for how many of the facts and quotes used in the post were real.

To my surprise, the person came back to SKOS, read my response and left another comment.

Thank you for continuing to make me be the exception. I consider that a compliment as I like to be unique – always! And you’re absolutely correct, that was my first post and thank you for giving me 2 paragraphs of comments. You’re too kind.

Sarcasm. The individual who was apparently oblivious to the fact the blog post of mine was fake responds to me with sarcasm. In hindsight, I should have been happy by the realization this person was dense, but not completely devoid of humor.

Instead, I took another jab at the person.

You’re welcome. However, you shouldn’t be too flattered since much of those two paragraphs was at your expense. But I am happy you’ve stopped by. :-)

The last sentence and smiley face was my attempt at lightening my comment, but they probably just came across as sarcastic and insincere.

Amazingly, the commenter came back. Again.

But no, I am extremely flattered. As I totally get that (DUH), but I don’t let people like you get to me, so again, thank you, you’re too kind.

Obviously, you don’t get my humor. It’s called dry and passive aggressive. I appreciate that you find it in your heart to comment, yet again, on me. I am so flattered. What a guy….. (from my humor)

PS> Regarding “your comedy” lol – don’t quit your day job!

To recap, I took two jabs at the person even though the person hadn’t really done anything to warrant them. The person left a clueless “check the facts before commenting” comment and I took a jab. The person responded with sarcasm and I took a bigger jab.

So, any guess as to how I responded when the person put down my sense of humor and said I simply did not get his? That’s right. I got extra cranky.

You know why I (or anyone else here) don’t “get” your humor? Because it doesn’t exist. I “get” your humor the same way I “get” Big Foot, Nessie or any other mythical creature.

Besides, I’m still convinced your first comment was the confused ramblings of someone who did not realize she had stumbled upon a humor blog.

BTW: This IS my blog, so I wouldn’t be too appreciative or flattered by the fact I am responding to your comments. It’s what blog owners do. People leave us comments and we respond to them. It’s the circle of life, Simba.

P.S. Did you seriously just tell me not to quit my day job? What’s next, knock-knock jokes? Polish jokes? I bow down to you, Queen of Dry and Passive Aggressive Humor. Please tell us all a “why did the chicken cross the road” joke. My readers are DYING to read that kind of cutting edge comedy.

The person, thankfully, didn’t return that day and hasn’t returned since. I say “thankfully” because as cranky as I was that day I was probably going to get more and more sarcastic with my responses.

Now, some of you reading this likely will wonder what the big deal is. “You didn’t say anything bad,” some will think. “You didn’t even cuss or call her names.”

Regarding the profanity, it’s just not something I do. If you ever read a post or comment of mine with profanity in it, you can be certain that I didn’t write it and that someone has hacked my account.

No, the issue is I don’t think, looking back on it, the person did anything to warrant my sarcastic jabs. I overreacted. And for that, I apologize.

However, I still maintain this person didn’t know my blog post was fake when she left her first comment. If that first comment was “dry” and “passive aggressive” humor, I’ll take Paris Hilton out on a date and not to ditch her until she’s said the word “hot” ten times.

In other words, I won’t ditch her for at least thirty seconds.

Have any of you ever overreacted to a comment someone has left you? What did the person say and how did you react? If you could go back, what would you do differently? As always feel free to leave a comment or two or ten.

Live Free or Shower Hard

Two weeks ago, my shower head broke. When I say “broke,” I don’t mean I was no longer able to adjust its settings. I don’t mean the water pressure suddenly went way up or way down. I mean the shower head literally broke clean off. It was attached to its hose one day and the next day it was not.

Did someone sneak into my home while I was away and break my shower head? It’s possible, but I’m not sure. However, if anyone out there would like to make a confession, just leave a comment below.

Anyway, for the past two weeks I have had to shower without a shower head. How have I accomplished this? Why, I’ve had to use the hose coming out of the wall. You know, the hose my shower head used to be attached to.

What’s the big deal, you ask?

Look, I’m not one to complain (hush Mom, Angi, Josh, Steve, and anyone else who knows me), but do you have any idea how difficult it is to shower using a hose that hurls water towards you at dangerously high speeds?

The answer: Very difficult.

With no shower head to control the water pressure, the water gushes out of the hose. If I bruised easily, my entire body would be black and blue.

“Why are you covered in bruises,” my boss would ask me. “Is someone hitting you?”

“Oh no,” I would try to explain. “My shower head broke and the water pressure is really, really high.”

“Don’t feed me that crap,” my boss would say. “It’s your parents, isn’t it? Or that bully Hank down in Human Resources. Or maybe it’s that Angi girl I hear you talk about. What’s her last name? I’m calling the police.”

Thankfully, I don’t bruise easily. Any damage I’ve endured thanks to the shower bazooka is internal only.

However, there are other issues that have been problematic. For starters, do you have any idea how uncomfortable it is to wash your face using a hose that shoots hot water towards you at 300 MPH? I’m lucky my eyebrows haven’t been torn off.

Secondly, when water hits your body at such high speeds the water richochets. I don’t mean it ricochets a few inches — I mean it ricochets several yards away. The water will ricochet over the shower curtain and on to the floor below.

What this means is I have to position my body in such a way that the water ricochets towards the shower wall instead of the shower curtain. I’ve never tried yoga, but after these two weeks I’m fairly certain I could teach a class.

Last night, I was finally able to replace my shower head. This morning, I was able to once again shower the way God intended. It was magical.

I will no longer take items like my shower head for granted.

Rear view mirror in my car, I adore you. Soles to all my shoes, I am in love with you. Jacket that keeps me warm the 3 days of the year it’s actually cold, you rock my world. Remote control that allows me to quickly change the channel when Sex and the City, The Starter Wife, an Old Navy commercial, Paris Hilton’s reality show, Obama or any of the thousand of annoying things that come on television; I want to marry you.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

How about all of you? What other everyday items we typically take for granted would you like to publicly thank? As always, feel free to leave a comment or two or ten!

biden_sad

He’s All That (How Obama Won the Election)

CHICAGO, IL – Supporters of Barack Obama were left confused during Tuesday night’s victory celebration as Vice President-Elect Joe Biden stripped naked and ran across the stage while President-Elect Obama was speaking to the crowd of thousands.

Biden, still visibly embarrassed the following morning, explained the stunt was due to his having lost a bet to political commentator Keith Olbermann.

“It’s a long story,” noted Biden.

Continue reading

What the Heck, Democrats…

It’s Election Day. It’s the day where we choose our next U.S. president. It’s the day that will shape the next four years of our country. It’s the day where I will finally say something I’ve held back saying for months now to my Democratic friends…

What the heck?

I knew after eight years of George W. Bush, a president who hasn’t been popular, there was a very good chance citizens would opt for a Democrat in this election.

I knew that regardless of which Democrat won the Democratic nomination, the candidate (and likely next U.S. president) wasn’t going to share my views on major political, moral and spiritual issues.

I knew all of this.

What I didn’t know, what I couldn’t have imagined in my worst nightmare, is the Democrats were going to trot out someone like Barack Obama.

Hillary Clinton, Joe Biden and John Edwards were all ready and willing. Each had views and beliefs I did not agree with, but at least I didn’t question their motives or their qualifications.

I question EVERYTHING about Barack Obama.

If Hillary Clinton is the blind date your friends set you up with who has nothing in common with you, but is otherwise normal; Barack Obama is the blind date whose motives — and actual gender — you immediately question.

How the heck did Obama win the Democratic nomination? How the heck is he possibly hours from being the next U.S. president? How did someone with little experience, ties to terrorists and racists, and views to the far left (even though your average citizen is a moderate) make it this far?

I wouldn’t have liked having Hillary as president, but I wouldn’t have worried she had friends who were terrorists. Obama’s ties to some of the extreme members of society, such as William Ayers, are well documented.

I wouldn’t have liked a John Edwards presidency, but I wouldn’t have worried he might be racist towards non-minorities. Obama’s pastor of twenty plus years, Rev. Wright, is a non-apologetic racist with whom Obama never severed ties with until he began running for president.

I wouldn’t have liked it if Joe Biden became president, but at least I wouldn’t have worried he had no experiences or qualifications for the most important position on earth. How Obama was even a consideration initially given his few, few years in the Senate baffles me.

How did it get this far?

Obama never served in the military and has no real experience in foreign affairs. And yet he could very well become the head of our nation’s military at a time when we are fighting two different wars.

Doesn’t that terrify anyone else?

His own VP candidate, Biden, predicts another country will test Obama within the first six months of his presidency. What about Obama’s background makes anyone confident in his ability to know what to do when this attack inevitably occurs?

I would take Hillary Clinton over Obama. I would take Edwards or Biden over Obama. Heck, I would take AL GORE over Obama.

Why? Because Obama terrifies me. I truly believe your friends and acquaintances speak volumes about you. And who are Obama’s friends/acquaintances?

Domestic terrorist William Ayers and his wife. Rashid Khalidi, an advocate for Palestinian “resistance” against Israel. Two preachers and a priest who align themselves with Louis Farrakhan (and who happen to believe the U.S. government created the AIDS virus to eradicate the black race). A mentor to the founding members of the Black Panther Party. And so on and so on.

I feel like I’m watching a real life Trojan Horse.

I never thought I’d say this, but is it possible to bring back Bill Clinton?