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He’s All That (How Obama Won the Election)

CHICAGO, IL – Supporters of Barack Obama were left confused during Tuesday night’s victory celebration as Vice President-Elect Joe Biden stripped naked and ran across the stage while President-Elect Obama was speaking to the crowd of thousands.

Biden, still visibly embarrassed the following morning, explained the stunt was due to his having lost a bet to political commentator Keith Olbermann.

“It’s a long story,” noted Biden.

It Started With a Movie

“Every Saturday going back several years, Keith (Olbermann) and I have a movie night. We make popcorn, talk about girls and watch a video. Well, one Saturday we watched She’s All That starring Freddie Prinze Jr. and Rachael Leigh Cook, who was simply adorable in that film.”

“You’re telling it wrong,” interrupted Olbermann before making a disparaging remark about Biden’s naked physique.

“The following Monday,” continued Olbermann, “Joe and I were taking a leak when we started talking about the movie. I said the plot was ridiculous. Joe vehemently disagreed.”

After leaving the restroom without washing their hands, Biden and Olbermann continued their argument outside. Biden insisted the plot was realistic. Olbermann maintained the entire movie was unbelievable and that Biden was a stupid face. This difference of opinion continued for twenty more minutes.

“We argue like that after every movie night,” Biden admitted.

“Yeah, you should have heard us argue after we watched Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen,” added Olbermann.

Let’s Make a Bet

Eventually, Olbermann got an idea. If Biden was so confident in the movie’s realism, he shouldn’t have any problem recreating it.

“I told him if he thought the movie was so realistic, that he and I should make a similar bet,” said Olbermann.

After a little prodding by Olbermann and lots of teasing, including a remark about Biden’s mom that brought the VP-elect to the brink of tears, Biden agreed.

The terms were as follows: Olbermann and his colleagues in the media could take any U.S. senator and get him elected president in the 2008 election. Biden would get to pick the senator. If Biden won, Olbermann would have to kiss Bill O’Reilly on the lips on national TV. If Olbermann won, Biden would have to streak naked during the senator’s victory speech on election night.

“To be honest,” admitted Olbermann, “I thought Joe was going to pick himself. With his years of experience and the media’s backing, Joe would have been a shoo in.”

“Dang it,” replied Biden. “That didn’t even occur to me. Shoot.”

Instead, Biden searched for a senator he believed wouldn’t stand a chance.

The Perfect Candidate

“We were barely 4 years past 9/11 at that time, so I wanted to find a senator who clearly didn’t have experience in military or foreign affairs,” explained Biden.

“I wanted a senator who, preferably, hadn’t been in the senate very long. You know, someone wet behind the ears. With our country fighting terrorists, I knew Americans wouldn’t want to take a chance on someone who would be learning on the job.

“Also, because your average citizen is moderate, I wanted a senator who was way, way, way to the left. Farther to the left that John Kerry, if possible. And, I know this isn’t politically correct to admit, but I wanted a minority. I knew there was no way white America would elect a minority as U.S. president.”

To Olbermann’s dismay, Biden was able to find a candidate who possessed all these qualities and more when he bumped into Illinois senator Barack Obama and accidentally mistook him for former NBA basketball player Penny Hardaway.

“My first reaction was, ‘you have got to be kidding me,’” admitted Olbermann after Biden told him he had selected Obama.

“The man’s middle name was ‘Hussein’ and the country had just recently captured the (Saddam) Hussein. He had just been elected to the senate. The fact he had acquaintances who were terrorists was common knowledge with members of the media. And he was black.

“For a good two or three weeks, I tried to get Biden to call off the bet. I didn’t think I had a chance at winning.”

However, Biden had no desire to call off the bet. He believed he had a winner. Plus, in an admission he likely thought was given off the record, Biden was “strangely intrigued by the idea of Keith kissing Bill O’Reilly.”

And So It Begins

Fast forward through time and Barack Obama was preparing to announce his candidacy for President of the United States. Few believed he had even a remote shot at winning. New York senator Hillary Clinton, wife of former President Bill Clinton, was the leading Democratic candidate.

Still, Biden did not want to take any chances. Two weeks before Obama announced his candidacy, Biden declared his candidacy for U.S. president.

“Hillary (Clinton) is… what’s the polite way to phrase it? A $#&!*@. I knew relying on her and that punk John Edwards to help me win the bet was a dicey proposition, so I thought it best to throw my hat into the ring and sling dirt at that Obama guy.”

And sling dirt did he ever.

Here’s Some Dirt in Your Eye

On the same day he declared his candidacy, Biden poked fun at Obama’s appeal:

“I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean that’s a storybook, man.”

In August of that year, Biden took a shot at Obama’s lack of experience:

“I think he can be ready, but right now I don’t believe he is. The presidency is not something that lends itself to on-the-job training.”

In September, he bashed Obama’s plan to immediately begin pulling soldiers out of Iraq:

“My impression is he thinks that if we leave, somehow the Iraqis are going to have an epiphany. I’ve seen zero evidence of that.”

“I did everything I could think of to derail Obama’s candidacy,” sighed Biden as Olbermann mocked him by pretending to play the world’s tiniest violin.

“After I placed 5th in the Iowa caucuses, I decided to withdraw from the race. It was clear I wasn’t going to be able to beat him as an opponent, but I thought by withdrawing early it would give me the opportunity to beat him another way.”

Biden wanted to be in a position to be Obama’s VP candidate in the event Hillary Clinton was unable to defeat him. By being Obama’s running mate, Biden hoped to “destroy his campaign from the inside.”

Obama Mania in the Media

Olbermann, meanwhile, had successfully coaxed his liberal colleagues in the media into falling in love with Obama.

“The media fawned over every word that has come out of Obama’s mouth,” noted Olbermann.

“They were like teenage girls or Joe Biden at a Backstreet Boys concert. Seriously, I don’t understand how people didn’t pick up on what was going on. It was so obvious.”

As an example, Olbermann cited the way the media chose not to look at Obama’s ties to terrorist William Ayers, despite the fact the senator first lived a quarter mile away from him while attending Columbia University and later became Ayers’ neighbor and associate in Chicago.

Olbermann then pointed out how within a mere two weeks of Governor Palin being named John McCain’s running mate, the media had focused on every college she ever attended, her husbands driving habits from twenty years earlier, and the criticisms spoken about her from political opponents in Alaska.

“The double standard was so delicious. I wanted to eat it for dinner,” shouted Olbermann as a confused Biden looked on.

For his own part, Olbermann routinely criticized Hillary Clinton on his “Countdown” program at MSNBC. Later, he effusively praised Obama’s acceptance speech after winning the Democratic nomination. His criticism of Republican candidate John McCain while gushing over Obama was so extreme that MSNBC had to remove Olbermann from anchoring live political events.

“Admittedly, I took things a bit too far when I declared on air that Obama was so trustworthy I’d let him take my girlfriend out on a date,” said Olbermann.

Keep Your Enemies Even Closer

In August 2008, Biden was selected to be Obama’s running mate.

“I called him twenty times a day for four months asking if I could be his VP. Eventually, I wore him down. He asked me if I would stop calling him if he chose me, and I said I would. The next day he announced I was his running mate!”

Biden moved fast in his effort to undermine Obama’s efforts.

At a rally in early September, Biden asked wheelchair-bound Missouri politician Chuck Graham to stand up. “People thought it was a gaffe and that I didn’t know, but I knew,” admitted Biden.

Just days later, at a town hall in New Hampshire, Biden told a capacity crowd that defeated senator Hillary Clinton was “qualified to be president of the United States of America and easily qualified to be vice president.” Biden went on to say Clinton “might have been a better pick” than him for VP.

“I can’t believe those quotes didn’t get more media attention,” remarked Biden. “Stupid Olbermann and his media goons.”

Later in September, Biden was asked by NBC’s Meredith Vieira if the Fed should bail out insurance giant AIG. Biden responded “no,” which was in line with Republican candidate John McCain’s stance on the issue and contrary to Obama’s.

Just days later, Biden told ABC’s “Good Morning America” that not only would the wealthy pay higher taxes if he and Obama won the White House, but that their doing so would be “patriotic.”

Biden followed that particular gaffe by telling CBS’s Katie Couric he did not approve of some of the negative ads Obama and his own campaign had been running against McCain.

After those “mistakes” did little to derail the Barack Obama train due to their receiving little (if any) media attention, Biden knew he would have to up the stakes.

“I needed to say something so ridiculous, so appalling, there was no way the media could ignore it,” explained Biden.

In October, Biden did just that. At a Democratic fundraiser in Seattle, Biden told donors:

“Mark my words: it will not be six months before the world tests Barack Obama like they did John Kennedy…Remember, I said it standing here, if you don’t remember anything else I said. Watch — We’re going to have an international crisis, a generated crisis, to test the mettle of this guy.”

But nothing Biden said or did seemed to matter.

“Once ‘I guarantee America will be attacked if you elect Obama’ did not register with people; I knew I was in deep, deep trouble,” opined Biden.

Time To Pay Up, Whitey

On November 4, 2008, Barack Obama defeated John McCain and became President of the United States. Fans of Obama were overcome with glee. Critics of Obama did their best to hold back tears.

“I couldn’t really blame them for wanting to cry,” admitted Olbermann.

“I mean, we had just elected a man with no experience and terrorist ties. I would have cried, too, if not for the fact I was psyched by the fact I had won the bet!”

On a cold Chicago night, Joe Biden stripped bare and ran across the stage while President-elect Obama spoke to the crowd.

Afterward, backstage, tried to explain to security that he was the VP-elect and not a crazy person.

As he watched his naked friend be hit over the head by security guards while President-elect Obama rambled on with non-specific rhetoric, Olbermann let out an audible sigh.

“Seeing Joe like that made my being primarily responsible for our country going to Hell in a hand basket totally worth it,” beamed Olbermann.

About Kevin

Who am I? I am a cipher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kevin and I own this here website.

26 thoughts on “He’s All That (How Obama Won the Election)

  1. I KNEW Biden couldn’t be THAT big of a moron!!!!!!!!!!! GAH!!!!!!!

    Had I known all that, I totally wouldn’t have voted for Obama.

    I mean……….uhm.

  2. Finally, the truth!

    Barky sure does know how to pick ‘em. Now, how many letters are in the word “jobs” … three? Four? And how many states are there? Fifty? Fifty-seven? And how much is “rich” … three hundred thousand? Two fifty? Two? One fifty? One twenty? Never mind.

    I think I’ll move to one of the seven states (you know, the one that don’t exist) where B. Hussein can’t find me … or my money.

    Jenny’s last blog post: They Didn’t Get The Memo

  3. Let me just say that it’s important to check out facts before commenting on them. Even with the press, you cannot always believe what you read, but there are places on web that verify claims like this. It’s these types of website time to research the data, making sure they give you a valid answer, meaning if the article or facts or true or false. My point here is I would verify the information before I would believe or comment on it.

  4. @Angi: You know what.

    @gianna: Haha. Thank you. I’m glad you liked it.

    @Kathy: Thank, thank you. I was shooting for silver, but GOLD is even better. Right? I missed the Olympics this year, so I’m not sure. Gold beats silver, right?

    @Josh: Yep. How someone who had those kind of “he isn’t ready” quotes for Obama can turn around, become his running mate, and spout off how wonderful he would be as President is beyond me. It’s sad.

    @Jenny: I’m pretty sure the stand I founded, Awesome Land, is one of the 7 extra states Obama was referring to. You’re all welcome to move there with me!

    @Erin: Oooooh, yes. I could produce it, perhaps. I could make a real name for myself!

    @Lori Ann Nolan: This is (clearly) your first visit to this site. First, let me welcome you. It’s always nice to have new readers. Secondly, as the site’s name suggests, this is a humor site. Everyone who left a comment to this blog post (well, everyone except you) thought it was an attempt at humor with a few real facts/quotes sprinkled amongst fake ones.

    Did I say real facts and real quotes? Yes. Believe it or not, this was not 100% fiction. Take out Olbermann, take out the bet, take out Biden’s streaking across stage, and take out the notion that Biden was trying to make Obama lose the election and you’re left with an accurate timeline of the idiotic things Biden did and the media’s uncanny ability to ignore them.

  5. @kev: I don’t get it. Whenever you write a politically-charged post, and folks who aren’t your common readers comment, they always agree with you.

    Whenever I write such a post, I get called a racist and told that I’m “supposed” to be a Christian. How do you do it? How does my writing rub people (who disagree with me) the wrong way to such a degree?

    Josh H.’s last blog post: Veterans Day

  6. Thank you for continuing to make me be the exception. I consider that a compliment as I like to be unique – always! And you’re absolutely correct, that was my first post and thank you for giving me 2 paragraphs of comments. You’re too kind…..

  7. @Josh: I’m not sure what the secret is. I have had SOME negative comments. I guess the premise of mine are so outlandish I’m mostly immune to criticism. For example, THIS blog post has a premise inspired by a Freddie Prinze Jr. teenage comedy that’s almost a decade old. How do you take THAT seriously? ;-)

    @Lori: You’re welcome. However, you shouldn’t be too flattered since much of those two paragraphs was at your expense. But I am happy you’ve stopped by. :-)

  8. But no, I am extremely flattered. As I totally get that (DUH), but I don’t let people like you get to me, so again, thank you, you’re too kind.

    Obviously, you don’t get my humor. It’s called dry and passive aggressive. I appreciate that you find it in your heart to comment, yet again, on me. I am so flattered. What a guy….. (from my humor)

    PS> Regarding “your comedy” lol – don’t quit your day job!

  9. @Lori: You know why I (or anyone else here) don’t “get” your humor? Because it doesn’t exist. I “get” your humor the same way I “get” Big Foot, Nessie or any other mythical creature.

    Besides, I’m still convinced your first comment was the confused ramblings of someone who did not realize she had stumbled upon a humor blog.

    BTW: This IS my blog, so I wouldn’t be too appreciative or flattered by the fact I am responding to your comments. It’s what blog owners do. People leave us comments and we respond to them. It’s the circle of life, Simba.

    P.S. Did you seriously just tell me not to quit my day job? What’s next, knock-knock jokes? Polish jokes? I bow down to you, Queen of Dry and Passive Aggressive Humor. Please tell us all a “why did the chicken cross the road” joke. My readers are DYING to read that kind of cutting edge comedy.

  10. Hi there Kev, yours is funniest blog I ever saw. I laugh and laugh and laugh, you make my eyes tear.

    Thank you for amazing humor sense, you make my days better!

  11. I’m with Li Ming.

    Personally, I don’t see how anybody could mistake your sense of humor for anything other than what it is. That’s probably why you RARELY get a comment saying otherwise.

    People should really limit their negative reviews to Stumbleupon. Anonymously.

  12. @Li Ming: Thank you! My traffic software says you are from Singapore. Is that right? I don’t think I’ve ever had a visitor from there. Welcome, and thanks for stopping by.

    @Angi: Thanks, and I totally agree. See, what’s her name above could learn something from you. Just for that…I’m sending you a Christmas present this year. And it’s going to be a good ‘ne.

  13. Your back-scenes view of the election was awsome! First time here, I love your blog and your posts, keep up the good work!

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