CHICAGO, IL – Supporters of Barack Obama were left confused during Tuesday night’s victory celebration as Vice President-Elect Joe Biden stripped naked and ran across the stage while President-Elect Obama was speaking to the crowd of thousands.
Biden, still visibly embarrassed the following morning, explained the stunt was due to his having lost a bet to political commentator Keith Olbermann.
“It’s a long story,” noted Biden.
It Started With a Movie
“Every Saturday going back several years, Keith (Olbermann) and I have a movie night. We make popcorn, talk about girls and watch a video. Well, one Saturday we watched She’s All That starring Freddie Prinze Jr. and Rachael Leigh Cook, who was simply adorable in that film.”
“You’re telling it wrong,” interrupted Olbermann before making a disparaging remark about Biden’s naked physique.
“The following Monday,” continued Olbermann, “Joe and I were taking a leak when we started talking about the movie. I said the plot was ridiculous. Joe vehemently disagreed.”
After leaving the restroom without washing their hands, Biden and Olbermann continued their argument outside. Biden insisted the plot was realistic. Olbermann maintained the entire movie was unbelievable and that Biden was a stupid face. This difference of opinion continued for twenty more minutes.
“We argue like that after every movie night,” Biden admitted.
“Yeah, you should have heard us argue after we watched Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen,” added Olbermann.
Let’s Make a Bet
Eventually, Olbermann got an idea. If Biden was so confident in the movie’s realism, he shouldn’t have any problem recreating it.
“I told him if he thought the movie was so realistic, that he and I should make a similar bet,” said Olbermann.
After a little prodding by Olbermann and lots of teasing, including a remark about Biden’s mom that brought the VP-elect to the brink of tears, Biden agreed.
The terms were as follows: Olbermann and his colleagues in the media could take any U.S. senator and get him elected president in the 2008 election. Biden would get to pick the senator. If Biden won, Olbermann would have to kiss Bill O’Reilly on the lips on national TV. If Olbermann won, Biden would have to streak naked during the senator’s victory speech on election night.
“To be honest,” admitted Olbermann, “I thought Joe was going to pick himself. With his years of experience and the media’s backing, Joe would have been a shoo in.”
“Dang it,” replied Biden. “That didn’t even occur to me. Shoot.”
Instead, Biden searched for a senator he believed wouldn’t stand a chance.
The Perfect Candidate
“We were barely 4 years past 9/11 at that time, so I wanted to find a senator who clearly didn’t have experience in military or foreign affairs,” explained Biden.
“I wanted a senator who, preferably, hadn’t been in the senate very long. You know, someone wet behind the ears. With our country fighting terrorists, I knew Americans wouldn’t want to take a chance on someone who would be learning on the job.
“Also, because your average citizen is moderate, I wanted a senator who was way, way, way to the left. Farther to the left that John Kerry, if possible. And, I know this isn’t politically correct to admit, but I wanted a minority. I knew there was no way white America would elect a minority as U.S. president.”
To Olbermann’s dismay, Biden was able to find a candidate who possessed all these qualities and more when he bumped into Illinois senator Barack Obama and accidentally mistook him for former NBA basketball player Penny Hardaway.
“My first reaction was, ‘you have got to be kidding me,’” admitted Olbermann after Biden told him he had selected Obama.
“The man’s middle name was ‘Hussein’ and the country had just recently captured the (Saddam) Hussein. He had just been elected to the senate. The fact he had acquaintances who were terrorists was common knowledge with members of the media. And he was black.
“For a good two or three weeks, I tried to get Biden to call off the bet. I didn’t think I had a chance at winning.”
However, Biden had no desire to call off the bet. He believed he had a winner. Plus, in an admission he likely thought was given off the record, Biden was “strangely intrigued by the idea of Keith kissing Bill O’Reilly.”
And So It Begins
Fast forward through time and Barack Obama was preparing to announce his candidacy for President of the United States. Few believed he had even a remote shot at winning. New York senator Hillary Clinton, wife of former President Bill Clinton, was the leading Democratic candidate.
Still, Biden did not want to take any chances. Two weeks before Obama announced his candidacy, Biden declared his candidacy for U.S. president.
“Hillary (Clinton) is… what’s the polite way to phrase it? A $#&!*@. I knew relying on her and that punk John Edwards to help me win the bet was a dicey proposition, so I thought it best to throw my hat into the ring and sling dirt at that Obama guy.”
And sling dirt did he ever.
Here’s Some Dirt in Your Eye
On the same day he declared his candidacy, Biden poked fun at Obama’s appeal:
“I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean that’s a storybook, man.”
In August of that year, Biden took a shot at Obama’s lack of experience:
“I think he can be ready, but right now I don’t believe he is. The presidency is not something that lends itself to on-the-job training.”
In September, he bashed Obama’s plan to immediately begin pulling soldiers out of Iraq:
“My impression is he thinks that if we leave, somehow the Iraqis are going to have an epiphany. I’ve seen zero evidence of that.”
“I did everything I could think of to derail Obama’s candidacy,” sighed Biden as Olbermann mocked him by pretending to play the world’s tiniest violin.
“After I placed 5th in the Iowa caucuses, I decided to withdraw from the race. It was clear I wasn’t going to be able to beat him as an opponent, but I thought by withdrawing early it would give me the opportunity to beat him another way.”
Biden wanted to be in a position to be Obama’s VP candidate in the event Hillary Clinton was unable to defeat him. By being Obama’s running mate, Biden hoped to “destroy his campaign from the inside.”
Obama Mania in the Media
Olbermann, meanwhile, had successfully coaxed his liberal colleagues in the media into falling in love with Obama.
“The media fawned over every word that has come out of Obama’s mouth,” noted Olbermann.
“They were like teenage girls or Joe Biden at a Backstreet Boys concert. Seriously, I don’t understand how people didn’t pick up on what was going on. It was so obvious.”
As an example, Olbermann cited the way the media chose not to look at Obama’s ties to terrorist William Ayers, despite the fact the senator first lived a quarter mile away from him while attending Columbia University and later became Ayers’ neighbor and associate in Chicago.
Olbermann then pointed out how within a mere two weeks of Governor Palin being named John McCain’s running mate, the media had focused on every college she ever attended, her husbands driving habits from twenty years earlier, and the criticisms spoken about her from political opponents in Alaska.
“The double standard was so delicious. I wanted to eat it for dinner,” shouted Olbermann as a confused Biden looked on.
For his own part, Olbermann routinely criticized Hillary Clinton on his “Countdown” program at MSNBC. Later, he effusively praised Obama’s acceptance speech after winning the Democratic nomination. His criticism of Republican candidate John McCain while gushing over Obama was so extreme that MSNBC had to remove Olbermann from anchoring live political events.
“Admittedly, I took things a bit too far when I declared on air that Obama was so trustworthy I’d let him take my girlfriend out on a date,” said Olbermann.
Keep Your Enemies Even Closer
In August 2008, Biden was selected to be Obama’s running mate.
“I called him twenty times a day for four months asking if I could be his VP. Eventually, I wore him down. He asked me if I would stop calling him if he chose me, and I said I would. The next day he announced I was his running mate!”
Biden moved fast in his effort to undermine Obama’s efforts.
At a rally in early September, Biden asked wheelchair-bound Missouri politician Chuck Graham to stand up. “People thought it was a gaffe and that I didn’t know, but I knew,” admitted Biden.
Just days later, at a town hall in New Hampshire, Biden told a capacity crowd that defeated senator Hillary Clinton was “qualified to be president of the United States of America and easily qualified to be vice president.” Biden went on to say Clinton “might have been a better pick” than him for VP.
“I can’t believe those quotes didn’t get more media attention,” remarked Biden. “Stupid Olbermann and his media goons.”
Later in September, Biden was asked by NBC’s Meredith Vieira if the Fed should bail out insurance giant AIG. Biden responded “no,” which was in line with Republican candidate John McCain’s stance on the issue and contrary to Obama’s.
Just days later, Biden told ABC’s “Good Morning America” that not only would the wealthy pay higher taxes if he and Obama won the White House, but that their doing so would be “patriotic.”
Biden followed that particular gaffe by telling CBS’s Katie Couric he did not approve of some of the negative ads Obama and his own campaign had been running against McCain.
After those “mistakes” did little to derail the Barack Obama train due to their receiving little (if any) media attention, Biden knew he would have to up the stakes.
“I needed to say something so ridiculous, so appalling, there was no way the media could ignore it,” explained Biden.
In October, Biden did just that. At a Democratic fundraiser in Seattle, Biden told donors:
“Mark my words: it will not be six months before the world tests Barack Obama like they did John Kennedy…Remember, I said it standing here, if you don’t remember anything else I said. Watch — We’re going to have an international crisis, a generated crisis, to test the mettle of this guy.”
But nothing Biden said or did seemed to matter.
“Once ‘I guarantee America will be attacked if you elect Obama’ did not register with people; I knew I was in deep, deep trouble,” opined Biden.
Time To Pay Up, Whitey
On November 4, 2008, Barack Obama defeated John McCain and became President of the United States. Fans of Obama were overcome with glee. Critics of Obama did their best to hold back tears.
“I couldn’t really blame them for wanting to cry,” admitted Olbermann.
“I mean, we had just elected a man with no experience and terrorist ties. I would have cried, too, if not for the fact I was psyched by the fact I had won the bet!”
On a cold Chicago night, Joe Biden stripped bare and ran across the stage while President-elect Obama spoke to the crowd.
Afterward, backstage, tried to explain to security that he was the VP-elect and not a crazy person.
As he watched his naked friend be hit over the head by security guards while President-elect Obama rambled on with non-specific rhetoric, Olbermann let out an audible sigh.
“Seeing Joe like that made my being primarily responsible for our country going to Hell in a hand basket totally worth it,” beamed Olbermann.