I'm a cypher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kev and I own this here website.
Another day has gone by and my beard is still alive.
I’m pretty sure that with each passing day its power grows, so I really should shave it off this weekend. It could be a “now or never” kind of thing.
I can’t have this monstrosity on my face for the rest of my life. It’s too much for me. It itches. If I drink milk, I have a pronounced milk mustache. And even though it keeps my face warm in the winter, I have to imagine it would be sheer torture during summers. I would die. The coroner would rule “death by beard.” My funeral would have to have a closed casket because friends and family would be unable to stomach seeing “the murderer” (aka my beard) up close.
On the bright side, the beard is quite the conversation piece. This morning, a co-worker walked up to me and asked, “So…growing a beard, huh?”
What kind of question is that?
Isn’t it obvious I’m growing a beard? Did she think I was UNAWARE a beard was on my face? Did she expect me to respond, “A beard? Wha??”
I thought about responding with an “I was just about to say the same to you,” but I thought better of it.
I’ve tried to think back and remember another time where I have let my hair grow like this, and I came up with two instances. The first was during the summer before my junior year of high school. I grew a goatee. I looked like a buffalo. It was not a good look for me.
The second time was during one semester in college. I was at a place where I didn’t want anything to do with girls. They hurt my head and I wasn’t too keen on having my head hurt. Believing I attracted females like bags of potato chips attract Rosie O’Donnell, I stopped shaving. Remembering my “buffalo” days, I figured this was a great way to make myself repulsive. “And if a goatee was bad,” I thought to myself, “a full beard would be total female repellent.”
The plan worked. Of course, it’s possible the fact I wore snakeskin cowboy boots that semester had a little to do with it, too. But I digress.
Today, the reasons for my beard can be attributed to forgetfulness (I keep forgetting to buy a new razor), laziness (I would have to get up earlier in the morning to make sure I had time to shave before work), slothfulness (It would take me between 20 and 30 minutes to shave this thing), and forgetfulness. Also, there’s the little matter of girls hurting my head, but that one’s a given.
Of course, it turns out a beard is only repellent to girls who dislike beards.
But again, I digress.
;-) 12.17.08 at 4:32 pm:
As a girl, I can’t really comment as to whether having a beard or not is a good thing. The only thing I can comment on is my personal preference for facial hair on men, which I’ll leave alone at the moment.
However, should you decide to keep the fur a bit longer, I’d like to direct you to an online community build especially for men like you. I’ve checked it out, and it is indeed work-friendly, so if you have another bored day at work (or bored day on your ridiculously long vacation, yes I’m jealous) you’ll have something to do.
Behold, the beard site.
;-) 12.17.08 at 4:32 pm:
*built
;-) 12.17.08 at 5:07 pm:
@Angi: Hmmm. Since you knew about an online community built for men with beards, your personal preference for facial hair on men is clear. Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone your secret. That said, I’ll be sending you ZZ Top’s Greatest Hits for your birthday. You’re welcome.
In all seriousness, though, thanks for the link. Boring work days and boring days on ridiculously long vacations (ha, you’re jealous) will indeed be in my future, and I’m sure this site will come in handy.
;-) 12.17.08 at 5:35 pm:
Hmmm is right. Do I secretly have a beard fetish? Or am I living up to my self-proclaimed Queen of Google title? You decide. Can’t wait for that CD. “Sharp Dressed Man” is a great, great song.
And, you’re welcome. I’m jealous, yes, but my 2 days paid/Christmas and 2 days paid/New Years’ plus 9 consecutive days off (PTO, mmmhmmm y’heard) help quell the envy a bit.
;-) 12.17.08 at 6:36 pm:
@Angi: I think it’s both. You have a secret beard fetish, and your Googling prowess is how you discovered the beard website so very, very long ago. My guess is you discovered the site shortly after it was founded in 1996. I’m right, right? Yes, I’m right.
Yes, that’s a good song. I’m partial to “Legs,” which is somewhat ironic given the topic of this blog post.
Wait, you’re getting PTO? That’s awesome. Congrats.
;-) 12.17.08 at 7:16 pm:
You should dye the beard and your hair white for the holidays. Is it long enough to look like Santa, yet? You could get any crying child to quiet down instantly just by reminding them that Santa knows when they’re being bad. On the other hand, you might get swarmed by excited children begging you for dolls and toy trains. No, don’t dye it.
;-) 12.17.08 at 7:51 pm:
I like Erin’s idea to bleach everything white. Forget Abe Lincoln eating his heart out – Tim Allen, eat YOUR heart out.
Unlike some people, in 1996 I wasn’t old enough to be scouring the internet for websites about beards. I mean…smart enough? Better?
I don’t believe I have heard “Legs”, but it sounds like the kind of song that would appeal more directly to a guy than a girl.
;-) 12.17.08 at 8:47 pm:
@Erin: Is it long enough to look like Santa? Haha! Oh, you’re being serious?
Novel idea, but I can already get crying children to quiet down. I just stare them down. Give them the evil eye. It works like a charm.
@Angi: It’s been a lifelong dream to make Tim Allen die. That IS what you meant by making him eat his own heart out, right?
>:-|
An old joke, eh? I see how it is. In 1996, you WERE a teen if I’m not mistaken. That’s plenty old enough to develop a secret beard fetish. Judges? Can we get a ruling?
Actually, it’s a song about eating chicken. Why? What did YOU think the song was about?
;-) 12.17.08 at 9:25 pm:
Oh, now MY head hurts and my stomach hurts from laughing so hard. This is great writing material. Writer’s block…what writer’s block?
;-) 12.17.08 at 10:28 pm:
SKOS is where I come for my jollies, make no mistake.
Kev? Angi? I’m taking the whole month of January off. So there.
I should have 60 pages of my novel finished by Feb 1.
Jenny’s last blog post: O Holy Night: Celine Dion
;-) 12.17.08 at 10:43 pm:
Hmm. If “Legs” is about chicken, then ZZ Top is more perverted than I thought, and they should probably seek out some serious psychotherapy.
In 1996 I was 13, hardly old enough to develop much of a fetish about anything. I hadn’t even had my crush on Dan Wilson yet.
Jenny — I can’t hear you nyah nyah nyah…
;-) 12.18.08 at 11:06 am:
[...] new to report on the beard situation. Although, I did wake up today to find handcuffs, an unopened container of [...]
;-) 12.18.08 at 11:12 am:
@Audrey: Thanks. I guess the writer’s block is gone. Hey, maybe it’s because of my beard? Maybe it’s my muse.
@Jenny: You have the ENTIRE MONTH of January off from work??
I think I speak for everyone when I say no fair!!!
@Angi: I guess they’re perverted because that’s what the songs was really about. That’s strange, though, because I didn’t think it was possible for buys with beards to be weird. At least that’s my beard told me.
Uh huh. Me things thou doth protest too much. I bet you wished Dan Wilson had a beard. I bet you drew a beard on the poster of him you had on your wall.
I’m in an odd mood this morning…
;-) 12.19.08 at 4:44 pm:
Dude, beards are the best. I love having one. As you know I had to shave my to perform in a community theater play recently but I am growing it right back.
Makes me feel manly.
Josh H.’s last blog post: Rights and Wrongs of the War Between the States
;-) 12.20.08 at 12:13 am:
Kev perhaps you can grow it out long enough to donate it to locks for love… or perhaps to science?
At this point in the game I hate to spoil the fun with ZZ top, but one of the guys is gay. maybe that explains the songs “legs” and “sharp dressed man”?
;-) 12.29.08 at 10:34 pm:
[...] That’s not to say there haven’t been any unpleasant moments. On the first day of my vacation, I shaved the beard. [...]
;-) 1.16.09 at 3:07 pm:
[...] It’s reinforced whenever I read a news story about consumer debt. And a month ago, when I was growing a beard, that fact was reinforced every time I looked in the [...]