I'm a cypher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kev and I own this here website.
My blissfully long Christmas and New Year’s Day vacation is over. I’m back at work…dying a little inside with each passing moment. Of course, you guys don’t want to hear about that. You want an explanation.
Why, after promising numerous blog updates before my vacation began, did I only blog three times during the entire 2 1/2 weeks? (Angi contends two of these updates don’t count because they were YouTube videos. I contend she needs to lay off the sauce.)
There is a very easy explanation for why I was missing in action over the holidays. Actually, there are several easy explanations. Pick the one you like best.
I forgot the password for my blog.
Terrorists stole my laptop and held it ransom until I agreed to hand over my awesome. I agreed, but had my finger’s crossed. A few roundhouse kicks and my laptop was back home, safe and sound.
I couldn’t think of anything good to write.
Santa needed my help delivering Christmas presents this year. He might have been able to deliver all of his in one night, but it’s taken me several weeks. On a related note, don’t cry Timmy Jefferson. Your Rainbrow Brite doll is on its way.
I vowed not to blog again until there was peace on earth or my vacation ended, whichever came first.
I was too busy standing in line to watch that crappy Keanu Reeves movie where he acted badly and barely showed any emotion. (I know what you’re thinking: “Which one?”)
I lost both of my hands in a freaky wood chipper accident.
I was too busy replying to all of the wedding proposals I’ve received.
Two words: El Niño.
The sun was in my eyes.
So, there you have it. I think I’ve thorougly explained what happened to me over the holidays. Let’s never speak of it again.
What did all of YOU do while I was gone during the holidays? I’ll be back to my regular blogging routine now, so feel free to leave a blog or two or ten. I’ll respond to them.
Pinky swear.
;-) 1.6.09 at 2:49 pm:
11.) I thought I’d slip those two videos by everyone and hope they’d count them as actual blogs.
12.) I was too busy watching re-runs of Gilmore Girls and I totally forgot.
13.) I didn’t FEEL LIKE IT.
;-) 1.6.09 at 2:59 pm:
@Angi: Those WERE actual blogs, Miss Margarita!
I don’t watch the Gilmore girls. And even if I DID it’s not like that’s a shameful thing…aren’t there TWO pretty women on that show??
That one hurts. I wanted to blog. Truly. The evils of this world just wouldn’t let me!!
;-) 1.6.09 at 3:01 pm:
1) No, they weren’t. I’m sure most, if not all, will agree with me here.
2) Suuuure you don’t. And I don’t know, I don’t watch it.
3) He protesteth too much.
;-) 1.6.09 at 3:26 pm:
@Angi: 1) If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were dissing the musical talents of Mr. Scott Weiland and Mr. Adam Duritz (of the Counting Crows). How else to explain why my posting videos of their songs wouldn’t count as “real” updates??
2) Neither do I. I’m just speculating. I mean…surely a show called Gilmore Girls has at least two attractive females in the cast. Right?
3) No he doth not.
;-) 1.6.09 at 4:27 pm:
I have to agree with Angi….videos don’t really count….
I seriously checked your blog every single day and was so disappointed that there weren’t any new posts. It ruined my day, and caused me to be really mean to the customers in my store. Okay, okay, I’m mean to them anyways. But still.
And Gilmore Girls? Really? Wow, first I Love Lucy and now this. I really thought you were cool….now I’m not so sure…
;-) 1.6.09 at 4:35 pm:
@Diana: I get it. Sister Solidarity and all that, right? A guy would agree with me that videos count. Josh? Steve? How about helping me out on this one?
You checked my blog every day? And each time you checked your day was ruined? Geesh, I’m sorry. But seriously…it wasn’t my fault. It was El Niño. Honest!
Sigh. You can’t listen to this Anti-Kev Propaganda Angi keeps throwing out there. Contrary to what she claims, I’ve never seen a single episode of I Love Lucy. And IF I have ever watched Gilmore Girls (and I admit nothing), I did so solely for the eye candy. The TV was on mute. Again, that’s IF I ever watched it. Which I didn’t.
;-) 1.6.09 at 4:59 pm:
Diana, don’t listen to him. He has this little problem, some people call it pathological lying, I don’t like to be that harsh so I just call it “Extreme Self-Preservation”. Either way…yeah. I knew you’d agree with me about the videos.
;-) 1.6.09 at 5:37 pm:
@Angi: Wha? I’m not a liar! Lying completely contradicts my job as Professional Truth Teller!
;-) 1.6.09 at 5:47 pm:
The sun being in your eyes was going to be my guess but you gave it away in your comment. So it was El Nino (pretend there’s a squiggly thing on top of the second “n”), huh? That was my last guess, actually. I thought losing your hands in a freak wood chipping accident was more likely and also extremely horrific. How did you come up with that? El Nino (pretend there’s a squiggly thing on top of the second “n”) again?
;-) 1.6.09 at 6:54 pm:
Keanu has a new movie? And it didn’t go straight to DVD? Strange.
;-) 1.6.09 at 7:02 pm:
Kev’s right. Who would read his rants when they could be watching a video?
I got your back, man.
;-) 1.6.09 at 8:04 pm:
I would only agree with you and Steve if you made the video yourself. Otherwise, doesn’t count.
If you need ideas for what to do in a video, you could read one of your marriage proposals while wearing your Batman suit. …Just a suggestion.
;-) 1.6.09 at 8:14 pm:
Christmas skipped my house because of the lack of updates.
Seriously, Santa tried to get down the chimney and hit a landmine. Rudolph was brought down by anti-aircraft guns. And I’m still signing things “2008″ because New Year’s didn’t bring any real* updates either.
*Videos don’t count.
;-) 1.6.09 at 10:04 pm:
@Erin: It’s a funny story. I came up with the “lost both hands in a wood chipper” excuse/idea right after I lost both my hands in a wood chipper. It wasn’t my fault, though. The sun was in my eyes and stupid ol’ El Niño was distracting me.
Hey, aren’t you overdue for a Xanga update??
@Sarah: No joke. Not only did it not go straight to DVD, they released it over the Christmas holidays. They figured it would MAKE money. Can you believe that? The world is coming to an end.
@Steve: Thanks, man! Hey, wait…
@Diana: You’re suggesting I make a video where I read marriage proposals I’ve received while wearing a Batman suit? Who on earth would want to watch such a thing??
@gianna: Christmas and 2009 didn’t arrive in your house because of my lack of updates?? Geesh, that’s awful. What can I do to make amends?
And videos so do totally count!!
;-) 1.6.09 at 10:40 pm:
I’m going to make like a Minnesota Senate contender and call this race quits while We Who Say Videos Don’t Count are ahead.
;-) 1.7.09 at 10:13 am:
@Angi: So…you and your supporters are Al Franken in that little example, right? Based on that, shouldn’t I win on principle alone??
;-) 1.7.09 at 11:09 am:
*amazed* Did you become a Liverpool fan? Fernando Torres is called El Nino, you know. Don’t worry, I completely understand how distracting it is to keep track of the current score. I’ve never lost my hands to a wood chipper, though, probably because women multi-task better than men. Just sayin’.
;-) 1.7.09 at 1:33 pm:
‘SCUSE me? My blog was videos for the entire month of December!
THEY COUNT, Y’ALL. It takes effort to embed them codes and dress them up with a decent introduction and sometimes even a snappy postlude.
But Kev, no use trying to fool me. I KNOW what happened:
“I couldn’t think of anything good to write.”
Been there and know the topography of the area like the back of my hand.
;-) 1.7.09 at 2:46 pm:
Jenny – Yes, you’re right, with a decent-sized introduction and perhaps follow-up, a video could technically count. But Kev’s had neither, hence my argument that they don’t count.
;-) 1.7.09 at 3:00 pm:
@Erin: No, sorry. I didn’t realize there was a soccer player nicknamed El Niño. Ah yes, girls are SO much better than guys at multi-tasking. I think that very thought every time I see a female driver veer into the wrong lane while she’s putting on makeup and/or talking on her cell phone while driving. ;-P
@Jenny: THANK YOU. Finally, a female who doesn’t blindly follow Angi’s line of reasoning!
But yes, you’re right. I just couldn’t think of anything to write about!
@Angi: *gasp* My videos were so awesome they didn’t NEED an introduction or follow-up, missy!
;-) 1.7.09 at 3:17 pm:
Cop-out.
;-) 1.7.09 at 3:33 pm:
@Angi: It’s not a cop-out if it’s the truth.
;-) 1.7.09 at 11:12 pm:
If men can multi-task so well, why can’t they simultaneously write blogs and take vacation? Hm?
As for veering into other lanes while applying make-up; it’s true. Women do this. But have you ever seen a man applying make-up while driving? No? That’s because they CAN’T. It’s too hard.
;-) 1.8.09 at 6:16 pm:
Oooooooooh buuuuuuurn….lol Erin…
;-) 1.8.09 at 10:11 pm:
@Erin: Clever. However, as this blog post proved, my not blogging while on vacation had nothing to do with an incapability to multi-task. As I said, the sun was in my eyes.
Okay, I’m too proud of you to point out the fault in that logic. That was funny.
@Angi: Hush you!
;-) 1.8.09 at 10:21 pm:
Baaaaahhahahahahaha
;-) 1.8.09 at 11:49 pm:
I’ve been gone so long! I hope you didn’t lose your hands in a wood chopper accident, and actually wrote this with your toes. Yikes.
;-) 2.25.09 at 12:40 pm:
[...] What? You thought I was going to write a ridiculously long list of insane reasons I couldn’t update? Please. Does that sound like me? [...]