I'm a cypher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kev and I own this here website.
“Hoarder Dies After Becoming Lost in Maze of His Own Trash.”
That was the title of news story e-mailed to me by an individual who used to date a possible relative of this man who died amidst tunnels of trash. Stories like this one amaze me. How can someone be that messy? Do they have no sense of smell?
Wait, I’m getting ahead of myself. Here are the major tidbits of the story:
Human mole Gordon Stewart, 74, had filled his rooms up to the ceiling with ten years’ worth of garbage and clutter, making it impossible to walk around.
The compulsive hoarder is believed to have become disorientated inside the walls of rotting trash and unable to find a way out — then collapsed with dehydration.
When cops arrived, the stench from the rubbish was so foul they brought in a police diving team equipped with breathing apparatus.
A neighbor revealed: “A police officer said the interior was piled up with huge mounds of rotting rubbish and there was an elaborate network of tunnels to move around.”
The pony-tailed loner was often seen riding his bike around the streets — bringing back cardboard boxes and bags full of rubbish.
Another neighbor said: “He was slightly eccentric, but very clever. He lived in his own world.”
Yeah, I’d say he was living in his own world all right. A world of garbage.
There was one thing about this story that comforted me, though. There is no mention of the guy having a wife or girlfriend.
Why does this comfort me?
It comforts me because if THIS GUY was in a relationship, I was going to throw in the towel. Seriously, what would be the point anymore? I should just go ahead and become a monk or priest.
Actually, come to think of it, that’s not such a bad idea. Girls like a guy who is a “challenge,” right? That’s an idea I’ve long held to be true. So, what’s a bigger challenge than a guy who is prohibited by God from ever marrying?
Why didn’t I think of this before? It’s genius!
Of course, if girls do like challenges, why was this hoarder guy single? If girls like challenges, where was the girl who said to herself, “Getting that guy to live in a clean house will be my Mt. Everest?”
Drats. My “challenge” theory now has a hole in it. Unless…
Unless…
Do you suppose when they clean the rest of that guy’s house they might find the body of a female with Lysol in one hand and a garbage bag in the other?
Gosh, here’s hoping!
;-) 1.9.09 at 11:29 am:
I think I might have dated that guy…
;-) 1.9.09 at 11:37 am:
@Angi: Really?? I heard the guy had really, really dirty ears and fingernails. Does that sound like your guy?
;-) 1.9.09 at 12:33 pm:
They brought in a diving team? lol
I dated someone like this. He had newspapers piled almost to the ceiling, and had a ‘pathway’ to walk through. One day *I* was the girl with the Lysol in one hand and garbage bag in the other. I think he went in shock when I threw all his newspapers away. Sadly though, before we broke up, the piles were starting up again.
Some people are just meant to live in their own little world.
;-) 1.9.09 at 12:58 pm:
TG had minor packrat issues until I came along. He still has them a little, around the edges, but I’ve managed to tame that wild beast for the most part.
Luckily, he’s sooooo worth it.
NOW … as to the mating conondrum you posed, Kev … while pondering your questions, help me ponder the reasons why I have two beautiful, smart, funny, pure, decent, college-educated, marriageable-age daughters who can’t seem to find boyfriends, much less husbands.
Can it be we’ve set the bar too high? CAN you set the bar too high when it comes to joining your life with another’s? I wonder.
;-) 1.9.09 at 2:39 pm:
If you watched Days of Our Lives mid to late 90′s you’d know Men of the Cloth are irrestiable.
;-) 1.9.09 at 2:52 pm:
@Diana: Hmmm. Unless he went out and collected newspapers to stack up in his house, he should have only had one newspaper a day. So, to have numerous piles, with only one new newspaper per day, it would take years for the piles to get tall enough to have “pathways.” How long were you with this guy??
@Jenny: I think every guy has a little packrat in him to some degree. My dad has it. My youngest brother definitely has it. Even I kept the graded papers from my teaching days for two years “just in case” the school needed them!
Hmmmm. Is it possible all the men in Tennessee and South Carolina(?) are married, blind and/or gay? Otherwise, you’re right, it just doesn’t add up.
My opinion is no, it’s impossible to set the bar too high. All you can do is wait patiently for someone with a high vertical leap to come along.
@Molly: Is that a fact? Days of Our Lives isn’t exactly scientific research, but it’s as close as I’ll get. Thanks!
;-) 1.9.09 at 3:59 pm:
You know what? That guy was just stupid. I doubt if his house was THAT big and in order to have enough trash to make tunnels, it would become even smaller. No way anyone could get lost long enough to die–except for an idiot. I mean, start tearing down the garbage walls, if necessary! Duh! But I am intrigued about the possibility of Lysol Girl. This will be a news tidbit to follow, that’s for sure.
;-) 1.9.09 at 4:07 pm:
@Erin: I hadn’t thought of it that way. You’re right. To become disoriented, he must have been lost for several days. Who gets lost in a trash maze of their own creation for several days? And if you DID get lost, how hard is to knock down walls? Did he not tear them down because he didn’t want to touch the garbage? If that’s the case, this guy should have picked a hobby that didn’t involve rotting trash.
Lysol Girl sounds pretty. It’s a shame she had to die under a pile of garbage…
;-) 1.9.09 at 4:16 pm:
Kev: Yes, these were daily newspapers he had. I was only with him for three months, but these papers dated back to around 2003. Total hoarder.
;-) 1.9.09 at 4:37 pm:
@Diana: Wow, that’s crazy. Did he ever tell you WHY he kept newspapers? I mean, he could have just as easily kept magazines or junk mail.
The closest I’ve come to dating a hoarder was an ex who inexplicably had something like 20 pillows on her bed. She had two normal-sized pillows and then dozens of tiny ones. What purpose did those serve? And any time she went shopping and saw pillows, she wanted to buy MORE.
@EVERYONE: Why are girls obsessed with tiny pillows???
;-) 1.9.09 at 8:02 pm:
ewww not all girls are. i personally hate the sight of them. they incite me to burn things….
that guy should have gotten together with your ex. they could have made a seriously impressive pillow fort out of his whole house.
;-) 1.9.09 at 10:47 pm:
Oh MAN that’s nasty! If a guy’s toliet isn’t clean I’m out of there… Trash to the ceiling would just cause me to vomit uncontrollably. You’re welcome for that sexy image.
;-) 1.10.09 at 1:43 am:
Yep, exactly.
Same question back to you, following your logic: Why is EVERY guy obsessed with couch pillows???
;-) 1.12.09 at 4:38 pm:
@gianna: Okay, so one girl (you) isn’t obsessed with tiny pillows. But you’re likely the only one! And yeah…given my ex’s tendency to freak out over bugs, I don’t think she’d have been a good match for this hoarder guy. You just KNOW his place was crawling with insects…
@Corrina: What’s with you girls and your obsession with clean toilets?
@Angi: I’m sure I have NO IDEA what you’re talking about…