I'm a cypher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kev and I own this here website.
I don’t watch The Simpsons as often as I did when I was younger, but after watching an episode recently I was reminded of a theory I once had about the show:
There are three teams of writers on The Simpsons.
The first team is charged with writing five minutes of material. It can be about anything.
The second team is charged with writing fifteen minutes of material. It, too, can be about anything. However, neither team has any idea what the other one is up to.
The third team is charged with creating a 30-second segue that somehow ties the two stories together.
And voila. You have an episode of The Simpsons.
Of course, you can’t exactly blame the show’s creators for trying to mix things up in order to keep it interesting. When writer’s block hits, you do what you got to do.
Speaking of things I don’t do as often as I did when I was younger, I worked out at the gym on Saturday.
Yep, it’s time to get back in shape.
I’m tired of making that “old man noise” when I get out of my nice, black, 2005 Ford Mustang, which can comfortably sit two people.
I’m tired of feeling winded whenever I hold doors open for old ladies or save puppies from burning buildings.
I’m tired of getting hand cramps whenever I grab my big, heavy wallet that’s filled with cash thanks to my steady career and sound financial sense.
I’m tired of only being known for having a wonderful sense of humor, a great personality, brains and brown eyes a girl could get lost inside.
In short, I want to get back in shape (and to stop being eternally single)!
So, I’ve started going to the gym again. I’ll be doing nothing except cardio for at least the first two months. On Saturday, I did 30 minutes on the elliptical machine, which is the greatest invention known to man as far as I’m concerned. I’ll up that time over the next two weeks until I get to 60 minutes, and then I’ll start increasing the speed and incline.
Of course, I probably will go ahead and do a little resistance training. I’m sure this has already been done before, but here’s what I’m thinking: push ups.
“Whoa, slow down, Kev. Push ups? That’s a little advanced isn’t it?”
Shut up.
There are 365 days in a year (wait, is this a leap year?). On day one, January 1st, I will do one push up. On January 2nd, I will do two push ups. Each day I will do one more push up than I did the previous day. By December 31st, I will be up to 365 push ups. At that point, I will be able to scare small children with the size of my muscles.
“Um, Kev…that sounds great and all, but January 1st was two weeks ago.”
Shut up.
Yes, I realize January 1st was two weeks ago. I’m just going to have to play catch up. If I start today, the 12th day of the year, I will have to do 12 push ups. Tomorrow I will do 13 push ups. And so on and so on.
“I don’t want to be a party pooper, Kev, but do you really think you can do that many push ups?”
Hey, anything is possible.
My friends thought it was impossible for me to take the homecoming queen to prom in high school because I didn’t have a car or a driver’s license. And yet it happened. In fact, she drove me.
If that was possible, anything is possible.
Oh, and shut up.
And voila. You have a blog update from Special Kind of Stupid.
What kind of New Year’s resolutions did all of you make this year? Feel free to share with the class by leaving a comment or two or ten.
;-) 1.12.09 at 4:27 pm:
I’m sure you can do 12 push-ups. If not, remember that you can always do girl push-ups in the privacy of your own home. But I’m sure you can do 12 push-ups! Just sayin’.
Good job on the subtle manner of presenting yourself as a catch. Some guys are just so obvious about it, you know?
;-) 1.12.09 at 4:34 pm:
@Erin: Ha, ha, ha. Hopefully, my ability to do 12 push ups isn’t in question. But if I do have trouble, I believe I will drown myself before I do girl push ups. So, if the news of my drowning ever hits the news wire, you’ll know the reason why.
A catch? Wha? Why, whatever do you mean? This manner of which you speak must have been so subtle even I didn’t notice it.
;-) 1.12.09 at 7:13 pm:
Even the thought of doing 1 push-up makes me tired. I’d much rather do crunches.
And you shouldn’t start over at the beginning of next year. By the end of 2010, you could be up to 365 x 2 (I’m too lazy to do the math) push-ups. And just think of how many you’d be doing at the end of 5 years!
But then, you’d be too busy doing push-ups to go out and attract any dates. “Sorry I can’t go out with you tonight, I’ve got 1,465 push-ups to do!”
And can you describe that “old man noise?” You’re too young to be making any kind of old man noise!
;-) 1.12.09 at 9:44 pm:
@Diana: Hmmmm. True. If I’ve done all the work and gotten to 365 push ups, why stop there? I could keep it up indefinitely!
Of course, it would probably entirely defeat the purpose of doing them if I’m too busy to meet someone (or if I’ve already met someone, doing stuff with her). Hmmmm. I know…I could do the push ups while ON my dates. Girls would like that, right?
Haha. Well, I don’t make it all the time (only when my muscles are sore). But it’s a groan-ish sound.
;-) 1.12.09 at 11:20 pm:
Seamless segue, Kev. Groening would be proud.
;-) 1.13.09 at 2:41 pm:
that was a perfect segue. you could almost ride it around town while pushing a baby carriage in front of you.
i’ll keep an eye out for the drowning news report, but i’m fairly sure i’ll want videographic evidence once you reach the three-digit territory.
;-) 1.13.09 at 3:30 pm:
@Steve: Thanks! Now if only my blogs made as much money as a single episode of The Simpsons…
@gianna: Haha. I’ve never heard that expression before, but I assume being able to ride around town while pushing a baby carriage is a good thing. So thanks!
Hmmm. You’ll need video evidence, eh? I suppose next you’ll tell me I should wear the Batman suit while doing the push ups.
;-) 1.13.09 at 4:42 pm:
Batman suit while doing push-ups..why didn’t I think of that?!?
You know, you should really do that,…and videotape it. Now THAT’S a video I’d count as a post!
;-) 1.13.09 at 6:14 pm:
I heard a story once (I think it was a sermon illustration) of a guy who picked up a day old calf on his shoulders and carried it so many feet and back. The next day he did the same thing. And the next so that eventually he was strong enough to lift the cow when it was full grown.
Not sure if it’s true but it’s a good sermon illustration. And I didn’t really have anything else meaningful to share. Okay, I’m gonna close my Macbook now and go back to staring at the walls.
;-) 1.18.09 at 2:36 am:
1) I hate the Simpsons.
2) Why are you saving puppies from buildings when you could be saving kittens from trees? Jeez.
3) Push ups rule, and you can totally work your way up to 365 of them.