People are stupid.

I humbly say that with all the respect in the world, but it’s true. People are stupid. It’s a fact reinforced every time I’m driving behind a motorist who is applying makeup and talking on a cell phone. It’s reinforced every time I see someone with 50+ items attempt to check out at the express lane of the grocery store. It’s reinforced whenever I read a news story about consumer debt. And a month ago, when I was growing a beard, that fact was reinforced every time I looked in the mirror.

People are stupid.

Today this fact was reinforced when I read the news story about the nude photo of Madonna about to be auctioned. It was taken when the overrated hack was twenty years old, and it’s expected to sell for at least $10,000.

Look, I am not one of those guys who can tell you which female celebrities have appeared nude and which have not. I’m a heterosexual male, but my mom raised me right. When I heard Meg Ryan did her best Paris Hilton impression in that “In the Cut” movie a few years back, my reaction wasn’t to whistle and high five everyone around me. My reaction was: “Not Meg Ryan! She used to be so cute.”

I say that to say even I know the world is not hurting for nude images of the old hag. The woman has liver spots in places no human should have them. Heck, in junior high I remember there being all sorts of controversy on the news because she came out with a book filled with nude photos of herself and Lord knows what else.

In short, she’s been naked. A lot.

It’s been said that you are never more than three feet away from a spider. Wherever you go, a spider is nearby. Well, I think the same applies to nude photos of Madonna. You can’t go anywhere without accidentally finding a nude photo of her. Heck, I was afraid to search on Google for a Madonna photo for this blog post due to fear my eyes would be burned from their sockets.

Nude images of Madonna are everywhere. You can’t hide from them.

So who in their right mind would pay money for one? *

As I said earlier, people are stupid. Therefore, I’m putting up for auction a few “rare” items of my own. I am going to start the bidding for each at $10,000.

An unopened bottle of Coke.

A Hootie and the Blowfish CD.

A picture of a half-eaten Big Mac.

A white sock with practically no holes in it.

Two pens. (Ink not included)

A rock.

A YouTube video of someone in the media kissing Obama’s backside. (Figuratively speaking, of course. Although…)

Good luck to all bidders!

* I realize people who would bid on the Madonna photo would say it is valuable because it’s one of a kind, it’s artistic, it’s a piece of history, yada yada yada. I say that’s just fancy talk for “she’s naked!” And if that appeals to you, Mr. Pervy McPerv, save your $10,000 and go to Google. You’ll thank me later, if you can find me (I’ll be hiding from you).