I'm a cypher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kev and I own this here website.
Have you ever sneezed so hard and for so long that your nose became sore?
No, that isn’t the latest “ice breaker” I’ve come up with to chat up the ladies. It’s a real question. My nose feels like it’s been punched repeatedly by someone with powerful, tiny fists.
It’s not a fun feeling. If I take a deep breath, I can feel it. If I put my hands to my face and inadvertently brush against my nose, I feel it. And when I sneeze, I most definitely feel it. What does it feel like? Pain. Absolute pain.
I wish I could put an icepack on my nose, but I can’t type (i.e. do my job) and hold the icepack at the same time. So, that means I’d need to adhere the icepack to my face in some way. I have tape, but that could be painful later today when it comes time to take off the icepack. I could staple the icepack to my face, but that might be even more painful than the tape.
I know, I could cram ice into each of my nostrils — attack the soreness from the inside. Of course, the ice would eventually melt. Then I would have water slowly leaking down my face and on to my pants. People might think I had wet myself. We can’t have that. I’m a grown up.
And what would happen if I had to sneeze while the ice was in my nose? With the unbelievable force of my sneezes lately, the ice would be propelled at such a velocity it could injure someone. What if I maimed or killed someone with my ice sneeze? A jury would never believe my story.
Do you know what they would do to someone like me in prison? No, I’m really asking. Do you?
I need to lock myself in a clean room. I need a room that is completely, 100% sanitized. Maybe then I could stop sneezing. And with the sneezing stopped, the soreness would eventually subside.
Does anyone have a clean room where I could crash for a few days?
;-) 1.20.09 at 12:17 pm:
Oh, boy … all I can say is, I’m so glad you shaved that beard when you did. Imagine how it would be when the ice stuck to it? You’d look like the abominable snowman or worse.
I can empathize, because I’ve been suffering a cold for the last week or so and my nose is also very sore. I hate that “I’m about to … ah … ah … ah … sssssnneeeeeeze” sensation you get when it feels like a bunch of slumbering ants have just waked up and begun stirring right behind your nose!
Talk about “in your face.”
Feel better, my friend. Stay warm. Consider going home early and taking some Alka Seltzer Cold. Surely your mother will make you some chicken soup … or there’s always canned chicken noodle.
God bless you multiplied by however many times you sneeze.
;-) 1.20.09 at 1:03 pm:
Oh, you poor dear man. I have no CLEANROOM for you but I do have a trick someone once gave me back in high school:
When you feel the need to sneeze come on, tickle the roof of your mouth with your tongue. It’s discreet, so no one thinks your a lunatic, and that way you won’t kill anyone with snot-covered ice chunks.
;-) 1.20.09 at 1:19 pm:
You know, that could actually be a superhero power. The power to kill someone with ice chunks from your nose. I’d fear you.
Feel better soon.
;-) 1.20.09 at 1:57 pm:
If I get a cold, I’m going to blame you. My throat is scratchy today and I have that “I’m getting a cold” taste in my mouth. You know the one.
But I blame you. (Forget that all 5 of my coworkers have had a cold this last week and 2 of them are still out sick. Forget all that.)
See, the way it works is, I was gone in Oklahoma all last week. So I don’t think I could have caught it from them. But I was closer to GA than I was WA.
So, I blame you.
Did I mention I blame you?
;-) 1.20.09 at 3:21 pm:
The bright side of non-stop sneezing is that you don’t have to talk much to people you don’t like. They won’t be able to get a word in around your sneezing, right? By now I’m sure all you have to do is act like you’re about to sneeze and they’ll hightail it out of your office. If not, just sneeze all over them once and that should do the trick.
;-) 1.20.09 at 3:52 pm:
Well, I don’t have a CLEANroom, but my lab does have a COLDroom that is basically a walk-in refrigerator. We also have a walk-in -20 freezer attached to the coldroom… yeah, -20 degrees celsius. You could go stand in there until you catch frostbite… with all those fingers falling off, you’d hardly even notice the sneezing anymore!
;-) 1.20.09 at 4:27 pm:
@Jenny: True, but the beard would make my face feel a bit warmer. That would be good right about now!
Sorry to hear you have a cold. Does Alka Seltzer Cold do a good job? I’ve never tried it.
Thanks for the get-well wishes. Right back at ya!
@Angie: Does…that actually work? It seems like it would tickle, which would make my sneeze even MORE powerful!
@Diana: Yes, you would be wise to fear me. Of course, if you paid me (in either dollars or compliments), I would be willing to use my power to scare off the psycho guys you come into contact with on a daily basis.
@Angi: You’re going to blame ME? Please, I don’t think so. If anything, I think you’re just experiencing sympathy pains. You know I have a cold so now you think YOU have a cold. It’s so totally obviously. Totally.
@Erin: You know, you’ve got a point. My co-workers now fear me. The question is: will I use this power for good or for evil?
Thoughts?
@Allison: Well, look who has left a comment. It’s been, gosh, ages. Tsk, tsk, tsk, missy.
But anyway, regarding your suggestion, it works in theory, but I’m not sure being fingerless (and altogether appendageless) would be a good look for me. Sure, it’s impossible to meet a lady when I’m sneezing every two seconds. But methinks it would be a tad more difficult if I didn’t have a nose, or ears, or fingers, or toes…
On the other hand, I could have quite the career as a circus freak.
;-) 1.20.09 at 4:58 pm:
Psh! For evil, of course.
;-) 1.20.09 at 5:00 pm:
@Erin: Excellent. Tell Spike to hop on his Harley and meet me in Washington D.C. We’re going to say hello to the new President.
;-) 1.23.09 at 11:34 pm:
I rather like sneezing but, then again, I don’t sneeze viciously. lol… Hopefully you’re all recovered by now.
Oh yeah and also glad you didn’t staple anything to your head.
;-) 3.18.09 at 3:47 pm:
[...] I just got out of a two-hour meeting. The thing was so boring that I actually wished one of my epic sneezes would come along just so I would have something to [...]