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Ask Kev: The Perfect Plan
January 27, 2009
Blog
13

For the next edition of my immensely unpopular advice column, Ask Kev, I am going to “borrow” a question recently sent to the famous Dear Abby. Why? Because no sane person would actually ask ME an important question. Don’t worry, I will give the question back to Abby when I’m finished.

DEAR ABBY KEV:

My daughter, “Alexa,” and her boyfriend, “Ryan,” were on vacation and went gambling. Ryan bet $400 at a craps table, handed Alexa the dice and told her to throw. She threw the whole night for him and won $2,500.

After they finished playing, Ryan put all the proceeds in his pocket. I thought it was unfair. Alexa says it’s no big deal. I understand that the $400 was his, but she won $2,100 for him.

What’s your opinion? Isn’t this a red flag not to invest any more time in this relationship?

- NOT BETTING ON THIS ONE

Dear Betting,

Wow. Your daughter took $400 of her boyfriend’s money and turned it into $2,500 in a single evening?  Is this kind of thing common for your daughter? Has she always been lucky with money? Does it run in your family?

Betting, I think we can help each other.

You see, I am single. I like money and the idea of earning a 625% profit every day intrigues me. Yes, it intrigues me very much.

How this impacts you and your daughter is, unlike her current boyfriend, I am generous. I would gladly pay your daughter a daily commission for her hard work. Plus, she’d get to be my girlfriend, which is something to which it’s impossible to attach a monetary figure.

However, since your daughter seems perfectly content dating this loser, Ryan, we’ll have to get him out of the picture.

Here’s what I had in mind:

You, Betting, accuse Ryan of trying to poison you. In an act of self defense, you bludgeon Ryan with a woman’s purse you bought, using cash, from a flea market the previous weekend. You will tell the authorities that the purse was Ryan’s. That’s right — we’re going to tell people he was a cross dresser.

You may or may not be convicted of manslaughter or murder, but that little tidbit isn’t really pertinent to the plan.

At Ryan’s funeral, Alexa (whose name I will be changing as soon as we start dating) will be there. She’ll be crying. She’ll be crying  because her boyfriend was a cross dresser. She’ll be crying because he’s now dead. She’ll be crying because her mom, who likely will spend her golden years behind bars, was the one to kill him.

And that’s when I show up.

She won’t know who I am, but she’ll be  happy to see a kind, friendly face on this dark day. And that’s when I’ll say:

“Hi, my name is Kevin. You look like you could use some cheering up. Want to go roll some dice?”

And they lived happily ever after.

Let’s do this thing, Betting. E-mail me.

Kev

What sort of advice would YOU give our friend? How would you rate the advice I gave him/her? It was gold, right?

As always, please feel free to leave a comment or two or ten.

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