I'm a cypher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kev and I own this here website.
A few random thoughts for a caffeineless Monday morning…
I rooted for the Cardinals since Kurt Warner is one of my favorite athletes, but I can’t say I’m too disappointed by last night’s Super Bowl. Yes, the Steelers, the team Obama was rooting for, won. Yes, the halftime show was unwatchable because I was worried Bruce Springsteen was going to break his hip or neck with all his 59-year-old acrobatics on stage. Yes, the Super Bowl commercials were the stupidest, lamest, biggest waste of advertising money I’ve ever seen. And yes, the announcer for the game was John Madden, whose never-ending compliments of Steelers’ Tight End Heath Miller bordered on the homoerotic.
Despite all that, the game was one of the best in recent memory. Both teams fought hard. Warner played a great game. The outcome of the game came down to the very end. And if those weren’t enough to make last night’s festivities a positive experience, I present to you two indisputable facts:
1. A New York or Boston-area team did not play in, or win, last night’s Super Bowl. As someone who loathes the media’s constant praise of all things New York and Boston, this fact comforts me.
2. The hour-long episode of The Office that came on after the game was comedy magic. The first five minutes brought tears to my eyes. That is something even “chopping onions while listening to Messages by Velvet Revolver” cannot do.
On the heels of Timothy Geithner, Obama’s pick for Treasury secretary, not paying $34,000 in Social Security and Medicare taxes from 2001-2004, it appears Obama’s pick for Health and Human Services secretary has similar tax problems.
Tom Daschle says he is “deeply embarrassed” for failing to pay over $120k in taxes. The former Senate Democratic leader, who is set to oversee the new administration’s health initiatives, referred to his multiple oversights as “errors.”
I don’t ask for much.
I did not vote for Obama and I’m well aware that no one he chooses to pick for his Cabinet will be up to snuff in my eyes. That said, is it so freakin’ difficult to find Cabinet members who haven’t been doing things that would put you or me in hot water?!
If your Common Joe wanted to get a job which required “secret” security clearance on any of the numerous air force bases in our country, and a background check revealed he had massive amounts of debt or — oh, I dunno — owed a massive sum in back taxes, said Common Joe would most likely not be able to get said job.
Am I crazy, or should these people be held to HIGHER standards than your Common Joe?
As a gesture of goodwill, I agreed this past weekend to do something I have never done in my life. Sometime later this year, I am going to do something that no girlfriend, friend or family member has ever been able to get me to do.
I am going to eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Yes, it is true. I have never had one. Ever.
I know it’s difficult to believe because, one, I love peanut butter. I love it, love it, love it. But two, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich is a staple food items growing up, right? Everyone brought one to school in their lunch boxes, right?
Well, not me. I was a rebel — a rebel with a turkey sandwich in his A-Team lunch box.
So, yeah, later this year a streak will be broken. It’s possibly the longest such streak on earth.
You’re welcome.
;-) 2.2.09 at 11:15 am:
1) I cannot stand John Madden. The longer a game goes, the more animated he gets, and as anyone who has ever seen and heard him can attest, a hyper, seemingly drunk John Madden does not a happy sports fan make.
2) If they don’t have The Office online by tonight, someone’s getting a dead fish in the mail.
3) Daschle…un-freaking-believable. All of it, really, un-freaking-believable. I reiterate – *cue the Twilight Zone music*
4) Whoever you promised this to must be pretty freaking awesome to get you to commit to something like that. I’m sure they are grateful, and I’m sure they’ll have a camera.
;-) 2.2.09 at 11:16 am:
Oh, and 5) That was my first thought as soon as it was determined who the two Superbowl contenders would be – “What!? The Pats didn’t make it!!!!?!?? THERE IS A GOD!!!!”
;-) 2.2.09 at 11:18 am:
(And yes, I know they’re not from New York, but I hate them anyway.)
;-) 2.2.09 at 11:24 am:
@Angi: 1) You know, maybe Madden WAS drunk. That certainly would explain his man love for that Steelers’ player. I bet Al Michaels, his partner in the broadcast booth, is happy the season is over. Madden strikes me as the kind who gets handsy when he’s had a few.
2) That’ll teach ‘em. I’d act out the entire episode for you, but geography prevents that from being possible.
3) No joke. It’s like a bad horror movie.
4) A camera?!?
5) No joke — those Boston-area teams have gotten just as bad as New York. I’ve updated the blog post to make your comment make more sense.
;-) 2.2.09 at 11:27 am:
Haha, thanks for the update to the Boston reference. It reminds me of a line from the movie my sister and I went to see yesterday.
“You do NOT alter Vera Wang to fit you. You alter YOURSELF to fit Vera Wang!!!”
;-) 2.2.09 at 12:06 pm:
Great post, Kev.
You’ve never eaten a PBJ? When you do, make sure the PB is extra-crunchy. And be sure let us know what you think.
Next, branch out and try a Fluffer Nutter … or PBMC. DO NOT buy generic marshmallow creme … only Kraft will do.
I did not watch the Super Bowl and in fact, refused to be in the same room with the TV it was playing on. I made fun of TG for watching it. He is used to this.
Long ago I said “NO” to football and “YES” to black lace. And yes, I am famous for that line.
;-) 2.2.09 at 12:07 pm:
I meant, be sure TO let us know what you think.
Why have you had no caffeine today? Have you given it up for Lent?
I, on the other hand, have had nothing BUT caffeine and that’s why I can’t type.
;-) 2.2.09 at 1:42 pm:
You rooted for the Cardinals? I don’t think we can be internet friends anymore.
So long and have a nice life,
Girl Who Loves the Steelers and is SO!!!! EXCITED!!!! THEY WON!!!!
;-) 2.2.09 at 3:29 pm:
My roommate and I actually DID have the TV on and were pulling for the Steelers. When they fell behind we turned off the TV and sharpened the knives to slit our wrists because we couldn’t take the combined losses of Roger Federer, Chelsea AND Pittsburgh in a 24-hour period. Fortunately, we looked at the internet just in time to notice that Pittsburgh scored again so we lived.
It really is surprising that you have never had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Have you had a plain peanut butter sandwich or any other type of sandwich in which peanut butter is an ingredient? Surely you have, right? Incidentally, the picture of those sandwiches is really good. I sort of want one, now. Also, what kind of jelly/jam/preserves will you be using? Just curious.
;-) 2.2.09 at 4:18 pm:
@Angi: I know who/what Vera Wang is, but it strikes me as funny that someone who did NOT know would be totally confused by that quote…
@Jenny: Thanks! Nope, never had a PB&J. And I have heard of Fluffer Nutter, but that’s a bit too hardcore for me. Plus, I’m not a huge marshmallow fan.
That’s certainly the first time I’ve heard such a line! Haha.
@Allison: Yes, yes I did root for the Cardinals. And yes, I realize you are from Steeler country and were rooting for the Steelers.
However, I bet you’d think differently if you had been raised in Arizona. Yeah, there’s no arguing with that logic, so don’t even try.
@Erin: You, Erin, were watching AMERICAN football??? I’m shocked. I’m appalled. Are you feeling okay??
And nope, I have never had a PB sandwich of any kind. No PB only and no sandwich where PB is an ingredient. I know…it’s hard to believe. I LOVE peanut butter.
As for jelly, it would have to be grape or strawberry. I’m leaning towards grape.
Thoughts?
;-) 2.2.09 at 5:16 pm:
Grape jelly is gross. Go with raspberry.
;-) 2.2.09 at 5:39 pm:
@Angi: I like grape or strawberry. Raspberry is a distant third.
;-) 2.2.09 at 5:41 pm:
That’s because you have no taste, as discussed in great length before. Strawberry is acceptable, I guess.
;-) 2.2.09 at 6:22 pm:
Not one peanut butter and jelly sandwich ever? That is probably my favorite food in the whole world.
How come you’ve never had one?
I used to LOVE eating those with chicken noodle soup.
In other news, my sister is furiously trying to get me to start watching The Office. She watched the first season on the plane to Vegas and started laughing so hard the seats shook. Think I should give it a try?
;-) 2.2.09 at 6:40 pm:
Um, no, I was feeling horrible, actually. Roger Federer lost and Chelsea was brutalized. I was a bit out of sorts so that would explain my listless acceptance of having it on and even watching it part of the time. And cheering. Yes, I yelled, twice.
Grape. Homemade jelly is always good but when it comes to PB&J sandwiches I will choose cheap, store bought grape over delicious, homemade anything. But raspberry before strawberry, definitely.
;-) 2.3.09 at 2:56 pm:
OMG. I, too, have never eaten a PBJ in my life. I find it a strange combination and have never once felt the desire to have one. I can’t believe we share this in common. I wonder if we should try to have one together over video Skype or something. Or set up a live feed. I really want to document “my first time.” Will you document yours?
;-) 2.3.09 at 3:14 pm:
I am absolutely SHOCKED that you are going to give up your incredible streak and have a PB & J. You told me you would not ever give that streak up, even though I tried to talk you into it with a systematic Lincoln-Douglas style argument of why you should eat one. I am now both Shocked and Hurt. MEH!
Good day, sir!
;-) 2.3.09 at 3:16 pm:
Oh, I’m definitely going to try to argue with that logic! Even if I’d been raised in Arizona, I would have cheered for the Steelers. Because, you see, contrary to what I think you may believe, I wasn’t raised in Steeler Country… I grew up near Kansas City, KS. And if the Chiefs were playing the Steelers, I’d choose the Steelers anyway. THEREFORE, if I had grown up in Arizona, I would choose the Steelers anyday. Am I a good arguer or what? Haha.
;-) 2.3.09 at 3:19 pm:
I meant to say “I’d choose the Steelers anyDAY” not “anyWAY” ….but despite that mistake, I’m pretty sure I still busted the heck out of your logic
;-) 2.3.09 at 4:13 pm:
@Angi: I have no taste?? I am appalled. My taste is immaculate. Surely word of my awesome home decor (dogs playing poster paintings, photo of Three Stooges playing golf, etc.) has spread all the way to Seattle by now. My amazing taste is legendary. LEGENDARY.
@Diana: I’m not sure why I’ve never bothered trying a PB&J sandwich. As I mentioned, I love peanut butter. But I’ve just never liked the idea of eating it on bread! Go figure.
YES you should definitely start watching The Office! It will change your life.
@Erin: So you only watched the Super Bowl because you were depressed about tennis and soccer? Well, I guess it doesn’t matter WHY you watched it, only that you watched it. So, are you hooked now? Just wait until baseball season starts. You’re gonna love it.
Amen to grape. I don’t know what these grape haters are talking about. Grape rocks.
@Kathy: You’ve never had a PB&J either?? Wow, I don’t feel so alone anymore. Do tell, why have YOU never before had one?
I don’t know if I will document my first time. Although, rumor has it there is going to be someone with camera there snapping photos of me. Oh joy.
@Stacy: Gosh, I’m sorry. Maybe your Lincoln-Douglas style argument played a hand in my now being willing to eat a PB&J sandwich? Maye it just took a while for your wise words to sink into my thick skull. Have you considered that possibility?
@Allison: Let me get this straight. Your defense is that you are a traitor to the Kansas City Chiefs, so you therefore would have been a traitor to the Arizona Cardinals??
You did indeed prove that you would have rooted for the Steelers even if you had been raised in Arizona. Congrats on busting the heck out of my logic (haha!). Kudos. However, you also proved that you are a BAD SUPPORTER of local sports teams. Therefore, you should be shunned. Shunned!
;-) 2.3.09 at 5:11 pm:
“So, are you hooked now? Just wait until baseball season starts. You’re gonna love it.”
Hahahahaha! Once again, pure gold, Kev, pure gold.
;-) 2.3.09 at 6:44 pm:
Grape is for wine and raisins.
Grape is not for jelly.
Grape jelly doesn’t even TASTE like grapes, much like grape candy doesn’t taste like grapes and watermelon candy doesn’t taste like watermelon.
Trust me. Just go with the raspberry. Raspberry freezer jam, if it is available (maybe your friend will do you a favor and make it so).
Grape. Psh.
Diana – YOU MUST watch The Office. You’re amongst Office addicts on “this here website”, and you can take that to the bank.
Allison – Would you still love the Steelers if they sucked it up every year?
Erin – If you start watching baseball, do not, I repeat do not watch the Mariners. They’re my boys and all, but…just don’t. You’ll hate baseball, and that would be a travesty.
;-) 2.3.09 at 10:28 pm:
I agree with Jenny, kev, go for the crunchy peanut butter (oh and avoid the salmonella kind).
;-) 2.3.09 at 10:49 pm:
Kev – My favorite men’s basketball team is the KU Jayhawks… so no need for a TOTAL shunning.
Angi – Of COURSE I would! I love the Pirates, and they suck it up every year, to say the very least.
Oh, and on that note, Erin, don’t watch the Pirates, either… haha…
;-) 2.3.09 at 11:14 pm:
Allison — Haha, okay then. I had to check, see. Fans of sucky teams unite!
;-) 2.3.09 at 11:25 pm:
What’s wrong with you people?! God created peanut butter and jelly sandwiches using white bread, smooth peanut butter, and grape jelly. It’s written in the Good Recipe Book.
Even if there were other legitimate ways to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, you should at least try the Original® first; you have to know what to judge them against.
And by the way, PB&J ≠ peanut butter and jelly. Blaspheming the food of the gods by calling it a PB&J is about as legitimate as calling Kentucky Fried Chicken by the abbreviation KFC. Yeah, I know it’s official now, but look what happened to the Colonel: he kicked the bucket. Let that be a lesson to you.
;-) 2.4.09 at 1:38 am:
I prefer jam. Jam starts with a J. And white bread is awful.
I’m a blasphemer, what can I say.
(But Kevin…I’m right. Just remember that.)
;-) 2.4.09 at 11:36 am:
@Erin: Baseball isn’t a joking matter, my friend. It’s pure awesomeness in ball-shaped form.
@Angi: Maybe grape jelly and grape candy doesn’t taste like real grapes, but I still think they’re mighty tasty. That said, since I do not dislike raspberry I’m willing to make a compromise. I will have half a PB&J sandwich with grape jelly and half a PB&J sandwich with raspberry freezer jam (if my friend makes it available). Does that work??
@Josh: I’m afraid crunchy peanut butter is a no for me. I like smooth. It’s the only way to go, in my humble opinion. I’ve never cared for the crunchy kind.
@Allison: Geesh, you’re all over the map. Okay, what about baseball? You grew up in Kansas City, but you root for the PIRATES? I don’t get you, man.
@Steve: Having never had one I hadn’t really thought about it, but I agree with your “try the Original® first” statement. I need a point of reference!
Is PB&J really as bad as KFC? KFC is blasphemy!
@Angi: You seem confident, so I guess I believe you…
;-) 2.4.09 at 11:49 am:
Erin….You should not start watching baseball under ANY circumstances. Such circumstances include but are not limited to someone offering you pay in times of extreme poverty, threatened or carried out torture, torture of family, friends or pets, or in cases of extreme boredom.
There have been cases of people dying of extreme boredom and almost all of the cases were directly related to the victim watching a baseball game on tv. The only two cases that did not include baseball, were cases where the person Watched the horrible movie “Rachel at the Wedding, followed by 3 hours of golf and fishing on the radio”, and the other was when a person was tied to a chair and forced to watch paint dry during an insurance seminar.
Just felt I should give you fair warning.
;-) 2.4.09 at 11:57 am:
@Stacy: While extremely amusing, I’m afraid your logic is flawed. You see, baseball rocks. It rocks hard. If baseball was one of The Three Stooges, it would be Curly. That’s how much baseball rocks.
(Aside: I have never heard of this “Rachel at the Wedding.” It sounds like a boring chick flick. However, if Kristen Bell stars in it I am so there.)
;-) 2.4.09 at 12:03 pm:
Kev…all i have to say is that I spent 5 days in Formal, Jewish-style Mourning for the 2 1/2 hours of my life that was lost to “Rachel at the Wedding”. That’s right, there was torn sackcloth and ashes everywhere.
;-) 2.4.09 at 1:24 pm:
Kev – Well, okay, even though I TECHNICALLY grew up in Kansas (and Oregon, too… I’ve lived in six different states, actually), I admit that I consider Pittsburgh to be my hometown, so I will always choose their (professional) teams over any other. I don’t really care when it comes to college sports, though (hence my love for KU over Pitt or Penn State).
And Erin, I agree with Stacy. I love baseball, but watching baseball on TV generally makes me want to poke my eyes out with a pencil. Baseball is WAY more exciting to watch live and in person… what really makes the game is participating in the seventh inning stretch, watching people act like complete idiots while diving for foul balls and consuming large quantities of nachos. Particularly that last one.
;-) 2.4.09 at 4:41 pm:
Advice from everywhere! Well, here’s my advice: watch soccer. European soccer. You know, the three most watched sporting events in the world are (in descending order) the Olympics, the World Cup, and the European Cup. Soccer is available in the awesomeness that is the Olympics and the other two, well, they ARE soccer.
However, I might watch a baseball game if someone was buying me hot dogs and nachos. Same with football and basketball. I absolutely accept bribes.
Have you tried your peanut butter and jelly sandwich, yet? Steve may have a point about the abbreviation. Also, Angi, I have to disagree about grape jelly tasting fake. Store bought, maybe, but homemade grape jelly tastes very real and grapey.
;-) 2.4.09 at 5:30 pm:
Erin — I have never had homemade grape jelly…have you made it before?
Maybe I’m just weird, but I prefer jam to jelly, wheat bread to white bread, and the less sugar there is in the peanut butter, the better…like that Jif or Reeses crap? Gross.
So all this has gotten me thinking…would any of you who actually like grape jelly put actual GRAPES on your peanut butter sandwich?
;-) 2.4.09 at 5:53 pm:
Angi,
Every bit as much as you would put whole peanuts and whole heads of grain on yours.
;-) 2.4.09 at 6:09 pm:
Well, considering I like crunchy peanut butter, whole peanuts would be fine…(minus the shells)…but if grape jelly tastes just like grapes, what’s the difference between putting on jelly vs. whole grapes? I’d put whole raspberries or strawberry slices on a sandwich instead of jam…
;-) 2.4.09 at 6:21 pm:
No, I have never made grape jelly but my mom has. Yummy.
I have never considered putting grapes on my peanut butter sandwich but I would certainly do it if it crossed my mind and now it has!
Peanut butter is good with anything. White bread, wheat bread, grape jelly, raspberry jelly, celery, carrots, bananas, Nutella, honey, raisins, stir-fry, meatballs, oatmeal, rice, tomato soup… you name it. Am I right?
Jif is not gross! *wounded* Everything else (except all-natural, unsweetened) is gross.
;-) 2.5.09 at 9:31 am:
@Stacy: Wow, that DOES sound boring. And since you didn’t use any combination of the words “Kristen Bell is in it,” I’m going to have to pass on that snooze-fest. Thanks for the warning!
@Allison: Well, okay, that changes things. If you consider Pittsburgh your hometown, I have to respect that. HOWEVER, how can you say baseball is boring on television? Oh, sure, it’s better live (what isn’t?), but TV baseball still rocks.
Someone, anyone, back me up on this!
@Erin: I am the same way with soccer as you are with baseball… I’ll watch a game, but someone is going to have to bribe me!!!
But no, I haven’t eaten the PBJ yet. That’s not going to happen until later in the year. But don’t worry, I’m sure the event will be documented for the world to see (and laugh at…).
@Steve and @Angi: Agree to disagree, or I’m turning this blog around and we’ll go back home.
@Erin: We’ve discussed the awesomeness of PB in a past blog’s comments I believe, but I have to concur again: Peanut butter rocks. Ooooh, speaking of which, I wonder if peanut butter would taste good ON a rock?
I bet it would.
;-) 2.5.09 at 11:25 am:
[...] to do this for a while, but on the heels of the absurdly large (for me) number of comments on my last blog post it is time I reward my faithful [...]
;-) 2.6.09 at 12:45 pm:
I forgot to say this before and maybe someone has already said it but who has time to read all these blasted comments (except my three, of course) … but for your first time, Kev, it should definitely be Bama apple jelly. So much Bama apple jelly, in fact, should be plastered to your bread that, with the very first bite, it squishes out the sides and bottom of the sammich and plops onto your pant leg. Best be wearing jeans.
Then you pick up the glob of fallen jelly and slurp it off your finger and then lick your fingers, and then wash it all down with several gulps of very cold milk. Do not put your sandwich down while you do all these things or the spell will be broken.
Oh and thanks, Josh H., for agreeing with me! That doesn’t happen very often. I am generally the proverbial voice crying in the wilderness.
By all means, Kev, whichever flavor jelly you choose, avoid ingesting salmonella. Ugly. Although I don’t understand this problem because as far as I know, peanut butter does not come from salmon.