I'm a cypher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kev and I own this here website.
It’s funny sometimes how seemingly mundane tasks can conjure up long lost memories.
Today, I remembered I owed my employer a check for $12.73. On my last day of work before my wonderfully long Christmas vacation, I used my company’s shipping service to mail a Christmas gift. By the time I got back from my extended vacation, I had forgotten all about the owed money.
Why didn’t I just write my company a check the day I shipped the gift (when it was all still fresh in my mind), you ask?
Because I didn’t have my checkbook with me.
I write checks about as often as Angi’s ex-boyfriend changes socks or James Cameron directs movies. There’s just no reason for me to carry around a checkbook at all times.
Besides, I don’t like checks. If someone writes you a check, it can bounce. If you write someone a check, your account number, bank’s routing number, your name, address and signature are all right there on the check for an unscrupulous individual to use. Do you have any idea how easy to is to make counterfeit checks with a fake name and address at the top of the check and someone else’s routing and account numbers at the bottom? It’s too easy, my friend. Way too easy.
In short, I don’t like checks. Still, once every few years, I come across a situation where writing a check is my only option. When those situations arise, I get my checkbook out of my filing cabinet at home and do the evil deed that must be done.
Which brings me to today.
My employer won’t take cash or credit cards. A check is my only option. Thankfully, during my Christmas break, I momentarily remembered about the $12.73 I owed, so I grabbed my checkbook and put it inside my car. Today when I remembered, my checkbook was only about forty yards away.
As I began writing the check, I noticed the last check I had written. It was way back in early 2007. Just like this one, it was a check written to my employer after I had used their shipping service. Unlike this one, it wasn’t a gift I had mailed. No, the last time I wrote a check, way back in 2007, was when I shipped some items to my ex-girlfriend that she wasn’t able to take with her after we broke up and she moved away.
I had forgotten all about that until I saw the copy of the check. I shipped two boxes to her. One, I don’t remember anything about. I remember the second box, though.
It was filled with tiny pillows. These were the same pillows we had numerous conversations about back in the day. I never understood the point of them. During the day, they littered her bed. At night, she’d take them all off and put them in her closet. She wouldn’t sleep with them, which is what I always assumed was the purpose of pillows.
To me, if the entire point was to decorate your bed, why stop with tiny pillows? Why not put some artsy paintings on your bed? Why not go to an antique mall and find some nice knickknacks that could sit on your bed during the day? And if you really wanted to class it up, why not put a portrait of me on the bed?
I always thought my logic was impeccable, but she agreed to disagree.
On that day in 2007, those tiny pillows bewildered me in an entirely new way. It cost over $20 to ship them. How the heck do pillows cost so much to mail? These things are so small and light I could have tied them to the feet of thirty carrier pigeons and let them take the pillows to my ex.
However, since I was only able to corner and capture 15 pigeons, I couldn’t go through with that plan. I ponied up the twenty plus bucks, released the pigeons back into the wild, and cried my frugal self to sleep that night.
Don’t forget about the book giveaway. It ends this Thursday, February 12. The more comments you leave, the better your chances of winning.
As for THIS blog post, leave me lots and lots of comments and I’ll consider mailing you either a tiny pillow or a portrait of yours truly. Your choice, of course.
;-) 2.9.09 at 12:01 pm:
I think your comparison of how often you write checks to how often my ex changes his socks is about spot on. I’m pretty sure the last time he changed his WAS early in 2007.
$20 to ship tiny pillows is ridiculous. Did she actually need them? Because I would have gone all Jennifer Aniston/Along Came Polly on those pillows…
;-) 2.9.09 at 12:10 pm:
@Angi: You know what’s gross? The socks have probably permanently adhered themselves to his feet by this point. It would take a team of surgeons to remove them. Those poor, poor socks.
Did she “need” them? Highly doubtful. Had I known they were going to be that much I’d have never agreed to mail them. But I didn’t find out the price until I had packed them up, given them to my work’s secretary, and she handed me the bill an hour later. As you can imagine, my mouth was agape for about ten straight minutes.
;-) 2.9.09 at 12:14 pm:
Wow. I am so, so sorry for you.
Regarding the socks, I’m sure his new barely-out-of-her-teens girlfriend is probably still naive enough to offer to not only remove them, but also wash them, bleach them, bleach them again, bleach them a third time, dry them, and probably put them back on for him.
Ah, young love.
;-) 2.9.09 at 12:21 pm:
@Angi: Thanks. Fortunately, I’ve come through it all (mostly) okay. Granted, I begin to seizure whenever I see a tiny pillow, but that’s no biggie, right?
That poor, poor, poor, poor, stupid, poor girl. I wish there was a way to warn her. She has no idea of the horrors that await her.
;-) 2.9.09 at 12:27 pm:
Well, we are glad you lived to tell the tale. But I’d check into perhaps a seizure medication, just in case. You never know when you’ll have to make a trip to Bed Bath and Beyond for a pizza cutter or something and end up walking past the bedding section.
I could warn her, but I’d probably wake up with disgusting, smelly socks, thousands of empty energy drink cans and PowerBar wrappers all over my lawn the next morning.
;-) 2.9.09 at 12:51 pm:
@Angi: Hmmm. True, but meds can be a bit pricey. How about I just never go to Bed, Bath and Beyond? I’d also be willing to never go to a mall if that’s what it takes to remain seizure free.
Well, I wouldn’t worry about smelly socks all over your lawn. He’s been wearing the same pair for 2+ years and all the other socks he owns are clean and unused. However, empty energy drink cans and PowerBar wrappers (don’t forget empty Hot Pocket boxes) probably would be thrown everywhere.
I don’t envy your dilemma.
;-) 2.9.09 at 1:32 pm:
Your last check was in 2007? That is really amazing.
When I read “tiny pillows” I instantly thought of the Wings episode where Helen has a concussion and Brian and Joe are keeping her from sleeping by making S’Mores or something. She asks them why they would give her tiny pillows (the marshmallows) if they don’t want her to sleep.
It’s funny in my memory, I swear.
;-) 2.9.09 at 1:46 pm:
@Erin: Yep, early (ish) 2007. If I could get through the rest of my life NEVER writing another check, I’d happily do so.
Haha. I remember that episode. I watched it over my Christmas vacation, in fact. Joe had a little bit too much fun shooting Helen with that water gun. Ah, who am I kidding? I would have not been able to STOP shooting her.
;-) 2.9.09 at 10:26 pm:
Yeah, I can’t tell you the last time I wrote a check. I always have to stop and think about how to write out the amount on that line. Example: $12.23 you have to write out as Twelve and 23/100 (and then I draw a long line; it’s something I got from my mom I think).
Concerning the cost of mailing a pillow, I am amazed at the audacity of some folks on eBay who’ll charge some seriously outrageous shipping rates for some very small items. I am shopping for a power adapter for some guitar equipment and said adapter weighs less than 1 pound. One guy’s shipping was over $7. Gimme a break.
;-) 2.10.09 at 6:56 am:
The last check you wrote was in 2007? Wow, that’s pretty good. I go through checks like crazy…which must mean I have way too many bills.
If I were you, I would have done one of those COD things when I sent the pillows, where she would have to pay to get them back. Can you do that with pillows? Twenty bucks to send that is so not worth it.
;-) 2.10.09 at 12:16 pm:
Two things.
One:
Last May TG and I spent the night at a hotel in Atlanta so that we could attend my cousin’s daughter’s wedding, and the next day go to church and out to dinner with my girlhood friend, Lisam, who lives in Snellville.
I go nowhere without my king-sized feather pillow. I know just how to punch and bunch and arrange it so that my shoulder, neck, and face are perfectly … well, pillowed … in exquisite comfort.
When I get up in the morning, that pillow is shaped exactly like a fortune cookie. No lie.
Anyway, last May when TG and I checked out of the Hilton Garden Inn, I placed my cherished pillow on the trolley where TG was loading up the luggage. ONE NIGHT and the trolley was LADEN with luggage. Anyway, we drove home later that day and that night when I prepared to go to bed and began looking for my giant soft fortune cookie of a pillow, lo and behold it was missing in action.
TG had taken if off the trolley to rearrange a few suitcases … and no doubt my giant Kate Spade purse *snicker Angi-ward* … and had neglected to REPLACE said pillow onto the trolley.
Of course, the next day I called the HGI and the folks there agreed to immediately place my pillow in a box and ship it forthwith before I was forced to break one of my cardinal rules and actually let a chiropractor touch me.
Wanna just take a wild guess how much FedEx charged my credit card after the deal was done? Anyone? Anyone?
SEVENTY DOLLARS.
SEVENTY DOLLARS.
I SAID SEVENTY DOLLARS.
Didn’t help that the stupers at HGI had put my pillow (which is, being quite large and stuffed with real goose feathers, somewhat heavy) into a box that would have held 18 geese along with the pillow.
I called to politely complain, and the manager at HGI sent me a $50 gift certificate for dinner at the restaurant in the atrium of the hotel … unfortunately, it expired in December because we didn’t feel like driving six hours to have dinner.
Two:
About ten days ago I got my first debit card EVER. Yes. I have been writing checks everywhere I go for YEARS. My children laugh at me but I was just in the habit! I like putting pen to paper, and I like using my lovely Cross rollerball pen, which I remove from the inside pocket of my *ahem, Angi … listening, luvvy?* Kate Spade bag with a flourish.
But I’ve released all that like so many homing pigeons into the atmosphere. Now I simply swipe my shiny new debit card and enter a PIN that reminds me of Johnny Depp.
As you were!
;-) 2.10.09 at 1:24 pm:
God, Kev. Now I’m afraid to write checks. Didn’t you freak me out about ATM cards once? Must I always use cash now?
For the record, your logic is impeccable and her failure to notice this must have been one of her many flaws. She was flawed, right? I mean, if she left the relationship. Just sayin’
And Jenny, OMG, what a story! ps.. My pillow is of the fortune cookie variety, too. I love it and I’d kill anyone who tried to take it from me.
;-) 2.10.09 at 1:39 pm:
@Josh: Hey, I do that 23/100 with a long line thing, too. And I learned it from my mom. It must be a mom thing.
And you’re right. In auctions, people set high shipping costs to inflate their profits. Seems like a lame way to go about doing it, though. A couple years back, I was shopping for some running shoes (new ones, of course) on eBay. One guy had a “Buy it Now” price of $1, but his shipping cost was $50. I guess he was hoping people would bid without checking the shipping. I don’t know. Lame.
@Diana: Ooooh, cash on delivery would have been tempting. But alas, I was mailing the pillows to her parents (her new address had not yet been determined). I didn’t have the heart to make them pay twenty plus bucks for pillows. They were good people.
@Jenny: WOW is that a long comment. Haha. I think it’s a new record.
Seventy bucks to ship a pillow? That’s obscene. From my experience, the size/shape of the box has just as much (if not more) to do with the cost as the weight. Those pillows I packed couldn’t have weighed more than a couple pounds. But the box was quite large (it felt like I had nothing inside it — that’s how light the pillows were).
Haha. I’m glad your kids were able to talk you into it! Of course, I’m not a fan of debit cards either (as Kathy acknowledges in her comment above — I wrote an old blog post, since archived, that talked about debit cards). Since I’m so good at scaring everyone, I might need to write an updated blog on the topic.
@Kathy: Yes, your memory is correct. I once freaked everyone out about ATM/Debit/Check cards, too! Haha. I don’t MEAN to freak everyone out. I just…occasionally share my thoughts on the security flaws present in the way we all pay for things.
Thank you. I’m glad SOMEONE could see the flawlessness in my logic. And thanks, again, for the compliment. Alas, the ending of the relationship was a mutual decision.
;-) 2.10.09 at 4:21 pm:
Ooh! Ooh! I do the long line thingy too! I think it’s a “mom” thing because how many dads teach their kids to write a check?? Although, I hate checks, and I only use them to make my car payment since it has to be mailed to another state, I refuse to mail cash, money orders are a hassle, and they’re behind the times and don’t take CC’s over the phone…
Jenny – Hmmmm, I can’t seem to hear you….
To All – FYI, if you’re mailing a package, use a flat rate box (you can buy them at the post office, and I swear by them). You can stuff one with rocks and it’ll still cost the same as if you were shipping one piece of paper. They have different sizes, thus different prices, but the size I usually buy is like $9.00, and I’m serious – if I could fit a horse in there, it would still be $9.00 to ship.
;-) 2.10.09 at 4:26 pm:
@Angi: You do the long line thing, too? Haha. I wonder if that’s just more common than we all realize? We should poll people.
Wow, thanks for the tip! That will come in really handy with this package I’m getting ready to send you. I didn’t buy you a WHOLE horse (I’m not MADE of money), but I think you’ll be pleased with the parts I did buy. And if I can ship for only $9, heck, I might just have enough left in the budget to ship you the horse’s tail, too!
;-) 2.10.09 at 4:29 pm:
Please just wash off the blood first, I’d rather not have a remake of The Godfather. Thanks.
;-) 2.10.09 at 4:30 pm:
Oh, and I see checks all the time at work, I’d say 90% of people do the long line thingy. I think it’s just “what you do” with checks.
;-) 2.10.09 at 4:36 pm:
@Angi: Hey now, I paid good money for the blood. No way am I going to waste it. If you bought a nice jacket, would you throw away the buttons? If you bought a wallet, would you throw away the photos that came along with it? Of course not.
Thanks for the insight. If I wrote checks more frequently, I would start a new trend. Instead of a long line, I’d draw several stick figures or something. Or maybe write a poem. The latter would take some time, of course, but I doubt the person waiting for you to hand them the check would mind…
;-) 2.10.09 at 6:49 pm:
How about a pillow with a picture of you on it? Wait that sounds stalkerish. Nevermind. Just the picture.
;-) 2.10.09 at 10:26 pm:
HA HA, not for nothing but back when I was writing checks … say, two weeks ago, before my shiny debit card came … I did the long line thingy TOO!
Only, because I gots to be special, mine looked more like a curvy wavelength. And if I was writing a check for an amount with no cents, say, fifty dollars for shipping of a one-dollar pair of shoes, I’d do a short wavelength on the left, then write “Fifty Only” in the middle, then finish it off with another sinewy line off to the right! It looked really cool. I did not learn that from my mother.
Angi … just once in your life, promise me you’ll splurge on an expensive purse! BTW, my kids bought me my huge Kate Spade, which is authentic, on ebay for less than half of what it cost at Belk! This is how I justify its ridiculously high cost.
;-) 2.10.09 at 10:50 pm:
Hmmmm. Jenny…if you can find me a Kate Spade or a Coach or a Dooney for less than $75.00, send me the link and if it fits my purse standards (I’m picky), I’ll consider buying it.
;-) 2.11.09 at 6:01 pm:
I’m with you on the check writing. I wasn’t paranoid about it until now, haha, but I rarely ever write them since there is this thing called the Internet, and they take debit cards.