In an effort to combat being continually drowned in a sea of unaccompanied minors, approximately 40 malls across the nation have adopted a parental-escort policy.

What does this mean?

Well, it means that at certain times during the week, teenagers under 18 cannot go inside these malls without a parental escort. Stonecrest, a Douglas County mall in Georgia, is enacting such a policy today. Teens without escorts will no longer be able to enter the mall after 4:00 PM on Saturdays and Sundays.

I, for one, am outraged.

Oh, sure, these malls will now be more pleasant places for grownups to shop. People will be able to go there without having their eyeballs assaulted by 14-year-old boys dressed like gangstas and 13-year-old girls dressed like street walkers.

And, sure, the malls will be quieter now that there aren’t dozens/hundreds of teens talking loudly on the cell phones as they loiter around the mall.

And, yes, the lines will be shorter. And there won’t be clumps of teens blocking walkways. And the malls will smell better since Lord knows too many teenagers still haven’t learned about proper hygeine.

I get it.

I also get that there are millions more positives that I haven’t even mentioned.

But here’s the thing, people.

I don’t go to malls.

Even when I dated someone who loved to shop, I went to a mall maybe three times in a span of a year. Usually, I only visit the mall once a year — and that’s if I haven’t finished my Christmas shopping, which I usually always do.

In other words, there is no upside for me in having teens kicked out of our malls.

There is only downside.

You’re probably wondering, “How can there be downside, Kev?”

I’ll tell you how.

Before, these teenagers were in one central location. If I wanted to avoid them, I just avoided the mall. But now they’re going to be scattered everywhere. Now they’ll be out there in the world.

I am out there in the world.

I’m sure banning teens is great news for the store owners and employees at malls. I’m sure they just LOVE the idea of banning the people who loiter around the mall and never buy anything. That’s awesome for them. I’m sure prison guards would just LOVE it if all the criminals were banned from prisons, too. It’d certainly make their lives more peaceful, right? Never mind the fact those criminals would now be out there in the world causing havoc, at least the PRISON GUARDS would have things a little bit easier!!

Teens belong at malls just like criminals belong in prisons. Mall employees and prison guards just have to take one for the team here. They have to suffer so the rest of us can live in peace.

Am I right?

Who’s with me??

11:21 AM

Not that I think the world revolves around me or anything, but I wonder why it’s raining outside when God knows I do not have my umbrella with me?

11:53 AM

In my break room at work, there are two coffee machines. One makes regular coffee. The other makes decaffeinated.

I can’t place my finger on why exactly, but the decaf one offends me.

12:25 PM

So what am I having for lunch today?

Why, I’m glad you asked.

I’ll be having a deluxe pizza from Lean Cuisine, like you see in the photo to the left. I’ve had it before and it’s quite tasty.

Of course, there is a problem. (Isn’t there always?)

When using the microwaves in our break room, we’re supposed to cover our food. They have signs all over the room ordering people to cover their food or risk the wrath of…I guess whomever it is that put up all those signs.

Usually, covering your food is simple. You just leave the lid on your Tupperware. If you’re microwaving a bowl of soup, just put a paper towel over the bowl.

But what am I supposed to do with a pizza? If I put a paper towel over it, it’s going to stick to the cheese. It will be a gooey mess.

I know…

If that female co-worker is in the break room, I’ll ask her to microwave it for me (sans paper towel, of course). When people complain later, she can take the fall.

It’s genius.

1:19 PM

I just LOVE it when it turns out I have to redo everything I’ve been working on for the past two days because someone else missed something during testing last week.

I don’t want to alarm any of you, but I have a short fuse when it comes to things like this. I expect people to do what they’re supposed to do. And if they fail, laid-back Kev turns into wrath-of-God Kev.

3:12 PM

I seriously need a vacation. I need a long, long vacation. I don’t know where I want to go or what I want to do (as of this writing, lying in bed for several days sounds heavenly), but I know I want a break.

4:04 PM

I might hurt someone before this day is through.

It turns out that, as I mentioned at 1:19, someone did indeed miss something in testing last week. And, like I also mentioned, everything I’ve worked on the past two days has errors in it. However, it turns out I did not need to redo my work because what I’m working on will need to be updated in a week anyway.

Of course, this helpful tidbit of information was not relayed to me until AFTER I had deleted my work and began redoing it. I’m far enough into it now that I HAVE to finish. My entire day is being spent correcting someone else’s mistake even though I apparently didn’t HAVE to correct their mistake.

You shouldn’t make me angry.

You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.

More to come throughout the day…

On Yahoo’s homepage is a teaser about some “huge stars” set to appear in the Farrelly brothers’ long-rumored movie about “The Three Stooges.”

Intrigued, I clicked on the link and read the article.

Are you kidding me?

Jim Carrey as Curly?

Sean Penn as Larry?

Benicio del Toro as Moe?

Carrey, I suppose, could be a good Curly. It’s an entirely uninspired casting decision, but he’ll probably be fine.

Penn is a good actor, but there is nothing I like about him as a human being. His politics are to the far, far, FAR left of mine. When he was younger, he routinely assaulted paparazzi who had the audacity to try to take his photograph. Just last year, he visited Cuba and interviewed Fidel Castro. And perhaps worst of all, he used to be married to Madonna. When I see him in a movie I think, “There is that punk, Sean Penn.” He would completely ruin a Three Stooges movie for me. I’d keep hoping “Larry” would somehow die, and that’s so not what a person should be thinking while watching The Three Stooges.

And then there is Benicio del Toro. I realize “Moe” was more or less the straight man in the Stooges, but come on. Benicio del Toro? My cat has coughed up things that are funnier than Benicio del Toro.

(On a related note, my cat has also coughed up things that are better looking than Sean Penn. I’m just sayin’.)

So, there you go. I’m not a fan of two of these casting choices, and I’m lukewarm (at best) for the third.

Who would you cast in the movie? I’m going to give it some thought and give you my suggestions later.

I’m sure you all are waiting with bated breath.

10:52 AM

Okay, new theory. The young co-worker who inadvertently keeps startling me while I’m pouring coffee lives in our building’s break room.

I went to get my morning cup of coffee a few minutes ago and what do I discover? Said co-worker, along with two other (older) ladies, talking in front of the coffee machine.

I had to smile and politely say “excuse me” so I could get to the machine.

If she’s still in there when I go back to the break room later, it will be official.

12:07 PM

As most of you know from reading my Ramen Noodles with Hot Dogs recipe last year, I am an awesome cook.

For lunch today, I will be having a leftover hamburger from dinner last night. These weren’t just any hamburgers, though. They were one of my Awesomeburgers (copyright pending).

I take equal parts ground hamburger meat and ground chicken. This reduces the fat and calories. I add the meat mixture to a large bowl and add one egg. Then I add some garlic salt and black pepper. Then I add a little olive oil. Then I had a good helping of fresh Parmesan cheese. And then I add a little bit of diced green peppers (you could also use onions or a combination of the two).

Why green peppers and/or onions? Well, one, they’re tasty. But two, they help keep the hamburgers moist. Because the meat is half ground chicken, it’s not as moist as usual. Having diced peppers or onions in the meat brings back the moisture.

(BTW: Isn’t “moist” a funny-sounding word?)

And there you have it. You just thoroughly mix the ingredients, shape your hamburger patties, and cook them in whatever method you prefer.

Don’t be jealous, people. It’s not easy being a culinary mastermind.

12:11 PM

I just went to the break room to warm up my hamburger in the microwave.

Guess who was already in there warming up her lunch?

Yep.

1:15 PM

A meeting is about to begin in fifteen minutes, but thankfully I do not have to attend. You see, I am much “too busy” to attend. Or at least that’s what I’m telling everyone.

Bwahahaha.

2:32 PM

The possibility that the aforementioned co-worker is going (running?) to the break room every time I’m on my way there made me think back to the lamest pick-up line or flirtation maneuver I’ve received. Granted, guys don’t get these nearly (NEARLY!) as often as girls do, but we do get them on occasion.

I can’t decide which of the following was more lame.

The first candidate was the time some girl (at least I hope it was a girl) left me a note on the windshield of my Mustang. It said something along the lines of “nice car … give me a call sometime” and there was a phone number at the bottom. Now, I suppose it’s POSSIBLE this person had seen me leaving my car and knew what I looked like. But given the information I had on hand, this girl gave me her number based solely on the car I drove. Sorry, gold digger, but no thanks.

The second candidate came from a girl I eventually did date. I was sitting on a couch, and the person who was sitting next to me got up. There was a blanket thrown on the back of the couch, and this girl — who was sitting in the floor about ten feet away at the time — asked me a question I still remember all these years later. “What is that blanket made out of?” When I told her I didn’t know, she got up, walked over to the couch, sat down beside me, and inspected the blanket. “It feels like cotton,” she told me. And then she transitioned right into a conversation with me.

Actually, I guess since I did eventually date her, this cannot count as lame. Funny, yes. Lame, no.

How about the rest of you? What’s the lamest line or maneuver you’ve had to endure?

3:31 PM

I successfully went to the break room without seeing my female co-worker who I was starting to believe lived in the break room.

I’d celebrate, but I’m worried she might now be hiding somewhere in my office.

7:32 PM

Boy, this was a long day. Where are all the comments, people? Have all of you died? Are you ill?

If you’re ill, go to the doctor. While there, ask the doctor if she would visit SKOS and leave me a comment or two. Okay? Thanks.

I feel a little stupid. At the very end of yesterday’s live blog I wrote the following:

I just opened the jar of peanut butter I bought at the grocery store on Sunday. A spoon of peanut butter is a great snack. If you like peanut butter, of course. Which I do.

To my dismay, I noticed there is no seal on the jar.

And then I noticed that the peanut butter is…liquid.

How liquid?

It’s almost as liquid as the Coke Zero I’m drinking right now.

A normal person would simply be disgusted. I’m ticked I paid good money for liquid peanut butter.

When I relayed my plight to my mom later, she told me “all natural” peanut butter (which is what this was) is like that because all the oil rises to the top. After not being able to think of a witty response, I quickly changed the subject.

And then this morning Angi left me the following comment:

You know, REAL peanut butter COMES that way, and you’re supposed to stir it, then refrigerate it. Because peanut butter is, like, 90% oil, 10% peanuts (hence “peanut oil”.)

So, if you send it to me, that’s what I’ll do. And then I’ll eat it, and gloat to you about how it’s the best peanut butter ever.

Sigh.

I am clearly a bafoon when it comes to different varieties of peanut butter. I’ve been a “Smooth Peter Pan Peanut Butter” guy my entire life. I am also frugal. So, to save a couple bucks, I grabbed the grocery store’s own brand of smooth peanut butter when I was shopping on Sunday since I’d heard it was almost as good as Peter Pan’s.

That is, I THOUGHT I grabbed the smooth peanut butter. It said “all natural” on the jar, but I just assumed that was some kind of advertising jargon to bring in the “green” hippie folk.

So, in short, I had a blond moment. It happens. What I thought was bad, liquid peanut butter was just “real” peanut butter. Looked pretty disgusting if you ask me. I’m just sayin’.

What about the “no seal on the jar” situation, though?

“Real” peanut butter or no, shouldn’t the jar have had a seal on it? What’s to have kept some maniac from putting poison in the jar while it sat on the grocery store shelves?

I need input from the “real” peanut butter aficionados out there. Should this jar have had a seal on it? I don’t want to be poisoned. Truly, I don’t.

11:33 AM

Why are napkins available in so many different colors?

In my desk, I have unused napkins saved from lunches going back probably two years. Why do I keep them? Well, I look at is as insurance — in paper form. I might never need 400 napkins, but if the time ever comes when I do I’ll be hecka glad I have them.

But anyway, what’s with all the colors? I have napkins in three different shades of yellow, three different shades of brown and, of course, the standard white.

Do restaurants believe napkin color influences us consumers?

“Yeah, their food is tasty and you can’t beat their service or low prices, but those boring napkins of theirs are inexcusable.”

I guess my point is this: Why have any color of napkin other than the cheapest one to manufacture (which I assume is white)?

Anyone? Thoughts?

12:04 PM

As I mentioned yesterday in my “Why is Fergie’s Big Girls Don’t Cry still being played” rant, I haven’t listened to the radio in quite a while. And if Fergie’s song caught me by surprise yesterday, the song I heard this morning positively floored me.

Gavin Rossdale is back?

Gavin Rossdale?!?

For those who don’t know him, Rossdale was (is?) the lead singer for 90’s rock band Bush.

I haven’t heard a peep from him or the band in probably 8 years.

Frankly, I assumed ol’ Gavin had hung up his music shoes in favor of a life babysitting Gwen Stefani’s kids while she toured the world. But no, he now has a solo career. And I heard the song to prove it.

If I turn on the radio tomorrow and find a new song from Silverchair, Limp Bizkit or Hole (aka Courtney Love’s band), I might never again turn on my radio.

12:35 PM

Back in the day, there was an episode of Seinfeld where Elaine had a co-worker who, in Elaine’s words, “comes out of nowhere and he’s right next to you!” The guy is then referred to as a “sidler” due to the fact he just sidles right up next to people.

Anyway, to combat this, Elaine tells the co-worker he has bad breath and needs to carry a pack of tic tacs with him wherever he goes.

The purpose of this, of course, is so that the guy would make noise when he walked. With the pack of tic tacs bouncing around and making noise in his pocket, the “sidler” would never again be able to sidle Elaine without her knowing it.

“What the heck does this have to do with anything,” you might be thinking/screaming.

Well, I need to do something with that young, female co-worker of mine. She surprised me, yet again, when I was getting coffee this morning.

I need to be able to hear her coming. But what can I do? Can I trick her into wearing a bell around her neck? Maybe I can trick her into swallowing a tracking device, and then I’ll be able to monitor her movements at all times?

I need ideas, people.

12:54 PM

Wonderful. I have a meeting to go to in six minutes.

Time to go die a little inside.

3:30 PM

“A meeting that lasts 2 hours and 15 minutes is one that is 2 hours and 14 minutes too long.”

That is what I would have written had I not lost my sanity 2 hours, 14 minutes and 1 second ago.

Instead, all I feel like writing is,”Hjljojojljlkjsjoigohhoikns ghoisoingw hohosgs.”

(That is crazy talk for “I loathe long meetings.”)

5:03 PM

Question: Is it proper work etiquette to take off your shoes while sitting at your desk?

Is it okay for just girls or for guys, too?

Is it okay for guys so long as they weren’t wearing the same pair of socks yesterday?

Is it okay for guys so long as said socks have no more than two holes in them?

Thoughts?

5:52 PM

I’m hard pressed to think of the last good movie I watched. This past weekend, I watched Transporter 3. I’m not your typical “action movies rule!” guy, but I liked the first Transporter movie. The second one, though unrealistic in parts, was entertaining, too. The third one sucked, though.

Overall, it just wasn’t a very good movie. However, what made it flat-out suck was the female co-star.

Said co-star, some Russian redhead named Natalya Rudakova, had never acted before according to her IMDB.com page. In fact, she hasn’t been cast in a movie or television show since Transporter 3 either.

There’s a reason for this. She’s a sucky actress.

There hasn’t been a more annoying character in a movie since Jar Jar Binks in the Star Wars prequels. I kept waiting for Jason Statham, “The Transporter Guy” as I call him, to roundhouse kick her in the face.

I’m serious. It was awful.

Michael Moore, dressed in drag, would have been less annoying than this girl.

Great. I just put a very unfortunate mental image inside my head.

More to come throughout the day…

What’s that? Oh, you’ve noticed the comic strip near the top of the site?

(BTW: If it appears non-centered on the page, hit F5 on your keyboard once or twice to refresh. It should then snap into place. These crazy comic strips — always wanting to do their own thing. Sheesh.)

I wanted to make sure people, regular readers and new readers alike, knew about the gift package Angi is organizing for a Marine friend (and his friends) in Iraq. “People should know about this,” I thought to myself. “And if they want to participate by writing a letter, sending a postcard or whatnot, I should make sure they know what to do and who to contact.”

And what better way to make sure people are up to speed than a comic strip where I threaten to shoot a kitten if they don’t participate?

I think I have an advertising career ahead of me.

11:34 AM

I usually don’t listen to the radio on my commute to work in the morning, but I did today. In fact, it’d probably been six or seven months since I last did it. And what do my ears hear on the radio this morning? Fergie’s Big Girls Don’t Cry.

Are you kidding me? This song is still being played?

I don’t want to Fergie-bash. Granted, her face has an alien quality to it. And granted, she’s not very talented. All that said, this particular song of hers isn’t so bad. It’s quite melodic, in fact. However, it bugs me.

Why?

Because of the line in the chorus, “I’m gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket.”

Are you kidding me?

It’s not like “blanket” is used to rhyme with another word either. It’s a standalone line that doesn’t rhyme with anything. Apparently, Fergie and/or whoever really wrote the lyrics to the song thought it sounded really deep or something.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but if a girl told me she was going to miss me like a child misses their blanket, I’d have to fight the urge to laugh and respond, “And I’m going to miss you like a confused little boy misses his Rainbow Brite doll.”

12:11 PM

Having learned from my “skipping lunch” mistakes the previous two weeks, I’ve brought my lunch with me to work yesterday and today. It’s nothing fancy, just four pieces of wheat bread, some turkey slices, two slices of Swiss cheese, some light mayo and some spicy brown mustard.

Oh, and lots of tiny green pieces of awesome — pickles.

Pickles have the power to turn a boring sandwich into one capable of captivating my attention for hours on end.

I almost don’t want to eat it.

It’s just so darn good lookin’.

1:09 PM

I’m shocked. There appears to be another employee my age here. This one doesn’t work in my building, but she works in the building next door (same company, two different buildings).

This other building has their own security entry, which of course I do not have any way to bypass. So, when I needed to get over there a little while ago, I had to knock on the door and wait for someone to let me inside.

The girl who let me in had a look on her face that indicated she was thinking the exact same thing I was thinking: “Wow, here’s someone my age!”

I didn’t realize until later that my employee badge wasn’t in a place she could see it. So, for all she knew, she was granting a homicidal maniac access to her building.

I guess I have an honest face — my homicidal smirk notwithstanding.

2:48 PM

Believe it or not, the adorable kitten wasn’t my only choice for a victim in the comic strip you see at the top of the SKOS. I had a few other ideas.

Steve Urkel was one. You remember Urkel, right? From the 90’s TV show Family Matters? Well, whether you do or not, he was a candidate.

In the end, I opted against Steve Urkel on the grounds some of you might actually want him dead. I mean…the guy WAS annoying. Those pants of his were hiked up inexplicably high. And that voice…ugh, that winy, nasally voice was awful. And that “cool” alter ego of his…Stefan Urquelle. Ugh, Lord help me.

You know what? I’m shooting him anyway.

4:04 PM

I have a bit of a headache, so I asked a co-worker if he had any Ibuprofen. “Check the supply closet,” he suggests. Apparently, in addition to pens and pencils and post-it notes and whatnot, the supply closet also has Ibuprofen and aspirin.

So, I headed down the hall, took a left and went to the supply closet. The room is only about five yards wide, but it’s ten yards deep. They pack a heck of a lot of stuff in there.

While looking, in vain, for the Ibuprofen, the door opened. In walked the new, young, female co-worker who had startled me twice with her booming “good morning” greetings.

I prepared my ears for a screeching “OH MY GOSH YOU STARTLED ME” scream, but thankfully she spared me. Instead I received an, “Oh good…can you help me find the printer paper” question.

I obliged and then briefly showed her where the other main items were in the supply closet. In the process, I discovered the Ibuprofen (right next to the pens — pretty sneaky, Ibuprofen!).

As we said our thanks and goodbyes and began to leave (at the same time), a thought popped into my head. What if someone sees us leaving the supply closet together? That’s how rumors get started, you know.

So, I pretended to “forget” something else I needed to grab from the supply closet as she walked out the door alone.

Whewwww.

Potential crisis averted.

It’s a good thing I’m a quick thinker. Even headaches can’t slow me down.

Now where did I set that Ibuprofen…

6:26 PM

I just opened the jar of peanut butter I bought at the grocery store on Sunday. A spoon of peanut butter is a great snack. If you like peanut butter, of course. Which I do.

To my dismay, I noticed there is no seal on the jar.

And then I noticed that the peanut butter is…liquid.

How liquid?

It’s almost as liquid as the Coke Zero I’m drinking right now.

A normal person would simply be disgusted. I’m ticked I paid good money for liquid peanut butter.

Anyone want it? If yes, I could do another one of those blog giveaway things.

Before I begin my live blog and commence with the usual silliness, I want to let you guys know about a very important thing Angi is doing over at her site, We Sleep for Dreaming.

Click here to read about Jesse, a U.S. Marine and old friend of Angi’s who has just been sent to Iraq. Jesse had to leave behind his 3-year-old daughter and is currently in need of support and encouragement.

To quote Angi: “I don’t care how you feel about the war, those men and women are over there fighting on our behalf, sacrificing their friends, sacrificing their families, sacrificing the comforts of home, and sometimes sacrificing their lives, just to make this world a better place for everyone here, and everyone over there.”

A huge, huge amen.

Head on over to WSFD and read about Jesse and see what you can do to support him and his friends.

8:01 AM

What compelled Obama to go on The Tonight Show and speak to Jay Leno without his precious teleprompter to tell him what to say is beyond me. Of course, what do you want to bet his “special olympics” remark is quickly forgotten? If Bush had said it he’d have been tarred and feathered.

10:59 AM

Some of the following is true. Some of it’s made up for comedic effect. Can you tell which is which? Let’s see.

For the first time in close to six months, I got a haircut over the weekend. Yes, my hair was quite long. Whether or not this was a good look on me depends on whom you ask. And by that I mean if you asked my youngest sister, she’d tell you it was awesome. If you asked anyone else, they would have agreed to help you shave my head in my sleep. But I digress.

When I walked inside the hair place, I recognized the employee who greeted me and wrote down my information. I used to work with her. I remember this because, despite the fact she’s two decades my senior and married, she once hit on me at a homecoming football game. I’m not sure if she recognized me or not. But, again, I digress.

Despite the fact four people appeared to be ahead of me in line, a girl walks up and says, “You don’t have to bother sitting down. I can take you now.”

Said girl looked to be in her mid-twenties. She had dark, dark brown hair and was very tanned. She had a pierced nose with a tiny diamond you could barely see, and a tattoo on her wrist. I’d categorize her as cute.

She asks me what kind of haircut I wanted. I replied that I wanted all of this — as I pointed to my inexplicably-long hair — to go away. She laughed and I gave her a bit more specific instructions. I wanted the length completely gone. I wanted it cleaned up around my ears, but that I didn’t mind if hair touched my ears. And so on and so on.

She got to work and the smalltalk commenced. She asked me why I was cutting off all my hair. I made some reference to the hot weather. She asked me what I did for a living. I told her and then added a sarcastic, “It’s not nearly as exciting as it sounds.”

A little later, I asked about her tattoo. I couldn’t tell if it was a bird, a dragon or a half-bird-half dragon. It turned out just to be a bird. She asked me if I had any tattoos. I jokingly told her that she would know the answer in a minute after she’d cut off all my hair and could clearly see my neck (implying I had a tattoo on the back of my neck).

This was probably an unwise thing to do considering the girl had scissors in her hands and could either butcher my hair or — worse — maim me. Thankfully, she saw the humor in it and — after seeing nothing was on my neck — replied with a laugh and a, “So I guess this means the answer is no, you don’t have any tattoos.”

Soon thereafter my haircut was over, I gave the girl a nice tip, and I was on my way.

What?

Did you expect a non-anticlimactic ending?

11:55 AM

I apologize in advance for these. I’m going to think of the most ridiculous things Obama could have said in the interview and turn them into comics. If you have a good one, just leave me a comment and I’ll bring it to life!

12:23 PM

And a very big apology for this one…

1:21 PM

You knew it was only a matter of time before I did a Kenya-Obama comic…

2:17 PM

At last, the real reason Barack never bothered campaigning in Alaska is revealed.

3:31 PM

The stock market is up 400 points today (as of this writing) due to Timothy Geithner’s latest (or is this the same pig as before, but with more lipstick?) to help out the banks. As usual, this bump in the Dow proves investors are extremely fickle — and probably stupid.

So, Timmy, the government — i.e. we taxpayers — we’ll be flipping the bill for all this, eh? Instead of the banks having these bad debts, the taxpayers will have them??

Color me unimpressed, Timmy. If I see you on the playground later, you’re getting a mega-wedgie.

It’s finally Friday.

Boy, this has been a long week. It’s been a blur of company meetings, people dressed in green (I’m assuming because of St. Patty’s Day), pink eye and caffeine headaches. But none of that matters now because it’s Friday.

If I could marry Friday, I think I would. We’d go on a cruise of some sort for our honeymoon. I’d relax and see the sites, and Friday would…do whatever it is Fridays do. It would be bliss.

Of course, the problem with this idea is it would only be a matter of time before I’d have eyes for Saturday. Call me a cheating jerk if you must, but there’s just something about Saturday that makes Friday look like Tuesday.

Heck, I’m calling the whole thing off.

Sorry, Friday.

I never meant to hurt you.

11:02 AM

When historians sit down to rewrite history books, I hope they remember to include this little gold nugget.

11:59 AM

The new co-worker who is my age snuck up behind me in the break room and tried to give me a heart attack.

I was getting a cup of coffee when all of a sudden I hear a loud “Good Morning!” directly behind me. I avoided the urge to scream and/or flow (fling or throw — take your pick) my coffee into the face of the loud, mysterious lurker. Instead I turned around, noticed who it was, smiled, and replied with a “good morning” of my own.

This is now the second time she has greeted me, and both times she’s spoken very loudly. Either she is hard of hearing or she thinks I am. Or perhaps she just wants to be memorable.

“If I speak so loudly it hurts his ears, and if I sneak up behind him and scare him while he’s pouring hot coffee, he’s sure to remember me.”

If that’s what she is doing, it’s a genius plan.

12:26 PM

This one makes sense if you’re familiar with Dennis Miller. Otherwise, much like his funny, elaborate metaphors involving allusions to obscure people, places, and things; this comic strip will likely make you scratch your head and reach for the Advil.

1:24 PM

We all wept for joy on the day the following happened.

Right.

Come on, now. I couldn’t have been the ONLY person to throw a “Paris Hilton is in Prison!” party on this blessed day.

1:57 PM

Dear God. Thank you for everything You have given me. Thank you for my friends and family. Thank you for my good health and my job. You have truly blessed me.

That said, please make it so that Angi makes a typo in an upcoming blog post on her site. Let it be a really, really embarrassing typo. And please give me the vision and awareness to notice said typo before she does.

Thank you for giving me a friend like Angi who proofreads my blogs and points out the silly typos I seem to make on a frequent basis. She’s tops.

Amen.

(evil laugh)

2:22 PM

Would any of us be surprised if this is how their initial meeting really went down?

3:40 PM

I realize quite a few of these comic strips make me come across as female-obsessed, and for that I apologize. With that said, here is one more.

4:16 PM

If you’re like me, the computer monitor at your work is covered in post-it notes. At this moment, I’m looking at a yellow sea of sticky paper.

But the thing is…I’m pretty sure most of these have long outlived their usefulness. For example, here is one about time charging for August 2008.

Here is one with just a series of numbers. Is that an address? Did some girl give her phone number and I, for whatever reason, just stuck the thing to my monitor?

And here’s one, in someone else’s handwriting, that says: “AH-02 STANS Detail tabs disappear shipment suspense tabs ok.” What the heck does THAT all mean?

The only one I can make heads or tails of is this one that simply says, “Get more post-its from the supply closet.”

5:50 PM

I think a radio station should hire me to select their playlists.

My taste in music is amazing.

No, I don’t have pink eye.

At least, I don’t have pink eye yet.

As I’ve previous written, my sister came home from college over the weekend and was immediately struck down with the cursed pink eye. Yesterday, my mom fell victim to it.

To date, I’ve remained immune to this pink killer of eye joy. This is probably due to my wicked awesome immune system, which I’m sure you guys love to hear me talk about over and over.

Still, even my immune system has its limitations. It’s possible pink eye will eventually best me, too. And if that happens, I will wear sunglasses. I will wear sunglasses all day long.

Why?

Because real men don’t wear pink.

11:17 AM

Have you ever watched a baby, having just recently learned to walk, excitedly take a few steps towards their mom or dad? Their little faces light up with each step tiny step as they advance towards their destination. And just when they’re only a few yards away, they fall.

Have you ever then taunted said baby for not making it all the way?

Yeah, um…me neither.

12:21 PM

Yep. I said it.

1:40 PM

I don’t know why my company insists on having meetings. I have another one scheduled at 2:30.

This one, knock on wood, should be fairly short. Of course, I’ve had my heart broken before.

Do the rest of you have to deal with periodic meetings at your job? Or am I the only lucky one?

2:09 PM

You thought (hoped) the LOST comic strips were over. But alas, you were mistaken.

3:44 PM

I’m not sure what it is, but there’s something about a long meeting at work finally ending that makes me want to run through the streets singing God’s praises.

4:03 PM

I’m trying to make these LOST comic strips plot free as much as possible so that you don’t have to actually know the show to enjoy them. Since I have at least one non-LOST fan in the audience (what’s up with that, Erin?), this seemed like the fair thing to do.

5:18 PM

Okay, so I guess you guys deserve a break from all the LOST comics.

On that note, I present to you all the debut of a new comic series: Great Moments in History.

(And to the historians out there…I know, I know. It’s meant to be funny.)

More to come throughout the day…

I seriously did not want to get up for work this morning. My alarm went off and it was all I could do not to turn it off (in lieu of hitting the snooze button) and pull the covers over my head. I’d probably have done it, but the possibility of suffocating due to said covers being on top of my face made me think better of it. I’m cautious, you see.

My hunch is some of you out there hope I keep publishing comic strips, and some of you who hope I die a horrible, horrible death (i.e. you are sick of the comic strips). I wish there was some happy compromise, but as my ex liked to say, “compromise is for %$@#&.”

Okay, she didn’t really say that. But I’m sure she thought it.

11:31 AM

Those of you know of my disdain for Keanu Reeves (or those of you who have just noticed his mug in the banner at the top of the page) just knew I wasn’t going to not immortalize him in a comic strip, right?

11:57 AM

Back in the day, during a two-day journey that saw me drive from Minnesota to Georgia, I remember noticing how NO ONE seemed to care about driving with their headlights on. It rained nonstop and was dark and overcast that entire trip, but it seemed as though half the cars on the road were oblivious. Needless to say, my impression of the drivers in these foreign (to me) states was not a good one.

Recently, apparently, whatever illness (I’m assuming it’s an illness — stupidity is an illness, right?) plagued the drivers in those other states is now plaguing the drivers in Georgia. This past weekend, it rained nonstop. On Sunday, I had to drop my sister off at college. To my shock and horror, about one out of every five cars I saw were driving with their headlights off.

When your consider the fact newer cars take the whole “remembering to turn on your lights” thing out of the driver’s hands by turning the lights on automatically, this 1-in-5 ratio is ridiculously sad.

How can these nimrods not understand that if it’s raining hard enough for your vision to be impaired while driving, you need to turn on your headlights? It doesn’t matter if YOU can see just fine — it’s so the other cars can see you!

Is it like this everywhere? My theory is the same people who never, ever, ever use their turn signals are the same people who don’t bother (or forget) to turn on their headlights when it’s difficult to see while driving.

I also have a theory that these are the same people who leave their shopping cart in the middle of the grocery store parking lot so that they can roll away at the first mild breeze and hit other cars in the parking lot.

But I digress.

12:49 PM

Sigh. I have a meeting at 1:00. Since my live blog is getting such little activity today, I leave you with the following deep thought.

See you all on the flip side.

2:50 PM

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: meetings are where joy goes to die!

3:47 PM

One of the downsides to live blogging (or for creating comic strips, for that matter) is coming up with semi-interesting things to talk about.

For example, I just got out of a two-hour meeting. The thing was so boring that I actually wished one of my epic sneezes would come along just so I would have something to do.

And yet, now that I’m out of the meeting and can talk about whatever the heck I want to talk about, I’ve got nothing. Zip. My mind is blank.

I tried to write a quick tidbit of comedic genius. Nothing.

I try to think of a quick comic strip idea. Not happenin’.

Actually, that’s not entirely true. I did come up with this idea during the meeting:

Funny? Sure.

My best work? Hardly.

I need ideas, people. Ideas!

Help me out here.

4:40 PM

Okay, for better or worse, I thought of an idea.

5:23 PM

Okay, I’m fairly certain today’s is the most disjointed blog post I’ve written in some time. I guess it’s to be expected. I woke up not wanting to get out of bed, and then I had a two-hour meeting of pure and utter boredom right smack in the middle of my work day. Plus, once again, I skipped lunch. For the past three hours, my stomach has tried eating itself.

Oh well.

At least I got to spoof ol’ Keanu in a comic. And I’ve wanted to unleash my wrath on those people who drive in rain without their lights on for quite some time. And in doing so I got to use the word “nimrod”, which just doesn’t get used enough these days, if you ask me.

Maybe I’ll find inspiration once I get home and inhale an entire jar of peanut butter?

6:34 PM

Within ten seconds of leaving the office, inspiration found me.

Although, I guess it isn’t really inspiration as much as my mom texted me saying she had caught my sister’s pink eye.

I was around my sister this weekend just as much as my mom was, so the fact I haven’t caught the pink eye is just more proof of my wicked awesome immune system.

Go Kev. I rock.

Sucks about my mom, though.

More to come throughout the day…

So…

What did everyone think of the comic strips yesterday?

Granted, a few of them were very Angi-centric, but hopefully there was something in each of them you guys could relate to and find humorous. And if there wasn’t, well…sucks to be you!

I’m sorry. That was mean. I guess I’m just cranky because I haven’t had any caffeine yet and I’m suffering through a comic strip hangover. I’ve never had tequila, but I can’t imagine its aftermath compares to how you feel after looking at comic strip characters for 2 1/2 straight days.

If you had a favorite comic, do feel free to share it in a comment below. Hopefully the one where Barack decapitates the cartoon version of me isn’t the most beloved one. That would kind of give me a complex, people.

11:41 AM

The “St. Patrick’s Day Pot Luck” (emphasis theirs) lunch at my work is going on as we speak.

(You are talking to me through your computer screen right now, right?)

Our entire building smells like…well, I can’t even describe it. It smells like an odd combination of cabbage, vegetable beef soup and tacos. I assume (hope?) this means cabbage, vegetable beef soup and tacos are among the food items on today’s menu.

I didn’t bring a $5 donation and I didn’t bring any food with me, so technically I shouldn’t participate in the lunch.

Of course, I do have packets of soy sauce, Chinese hot mustard and light mayo in my desk drawer I could bring…

12:40 PM

Okay, so I kind of have a confession to make. There are more comic strips I created over this past weekend than the ones I published yesterday. You guys had been beaten over the head enough with cartoons, I thought I’d give you a break.

Well, break is over! Here is one of the previously unpublished comics. Bwahahaha.

1:32 PM

As luck would have it, they had so much food for the pot luck that they began recruiting those of us who hadn’t eaten to come eat some of it.

To recap:

• I did not give a $5 donation.
• I did not bring any food dishes of my own.
• I got to eat anyway.

And to think…some people actually scoff at my frugality.

2:35 PM

This one goes out to the LOST fans in the audience.

3:02 PM

I can’t help but notice the obscenely low number of comments I’m getting today. And it’s not like people are reading this live blog of mine and choosing not to comment — according to my traffic software hardly anyone is even reading it.

Did all of you forget to wear green today for St. Patrick’s Day? Are you having to fend off people trying to pinch you every ten seconds?

If so, do what I do: Say “It looks like you brought a pinch to a slap fight” and then knock the living stew of the person with your hand.

Believe me, it works.

3:35 PM

Here’s another one for the LOST fans in the crowd. What’s funny about this one is it’s precisely how things would go down.

4:08 PM

This has been an eerily quiet day. One of my co-workers left the company and moved to Florida last week. One of my other co-workers is out sick today. My immediate boss left around noon because he was sick. His boss is out all week for vacation.

If not for Mr. Scott Weiland and my iPod, it’d be so quiet around here that I would be able to hear myself slowly dying.

What does it sound like? It sounds like a tiny voice screaming “heeeeelp.”

I’d mock myself for having such a weak-sounding voice, but I like myself.

4:34 PM

This is the last LOST comic strip for today. I promise.

5:13 PM

Okay, I’m calling it. I’m pulling the plug on this live blog.

Time to put it out of its misery. I’m going to grab my shotgun and take it behind the shed. It’ll be a quick death…unless I miss my target. Gosh, that would be bad. My live blog would be yelling in agony for several moments until I could get off another shot. Lord help me if I miss the second time, too. I’d be out of bullets and would be forced to beat my live blog with the butt of the shotgun.

But what if the shotgun breaks? What would I do then?? Gosh, I didn’t think this through at all. What to do, what to do…

Oh! I know.

All I have to do is stop typing.

It was an interesting weekend in my neck of the woods.

When I wasn’t driving a family member with pink eye back to her college dorm because she couldn’t wear contacts and hadn’t remembered to bring her glasses when visiting this weekend, I was at home suffering from a fairly bad earache.

But on the bright side, it’s now Monday, it’s raining cats and dogs, I’m tired and I don’t want to be here! Wait, my bad. That’s not an upside. That’s me complaining. I always get those two mixed up.

Anyway, for today’s live blog I’m going to do things a bit differently. In addition to my usual witty, hilarious thoughts on life (*cough*), I’m going to show all of you what I worked on this weekend in between my periodic screams of agony over the aforementioned earache.

My bad. There I go upsiding again.

10:52 AM

11:09 AM

For the handful of you still reading and wondering, “Did I just see a cartoon version of Barack Obama decapitate a cartoon version of Kev,” yes. Yes you did.

However, please take comfort in the knowledge none of the other comic strips feature scenes of decapitation. This is a classy blog, after all.

You’re welcome, America.

11:22 AM

11:49 AM

See? That was a nice, family-friendly comic strip, right?

Though I’ve never met her, I feel like I personally know the co-worker portrayed in the above cartoon after hearing Angi talk about her so much. If Angi didn’t have the patience of a saint, I’m fairly certain she would have murdered this individual by now. Heck, I live on the other side of the country and don’t have to deal with her, and it’s still taken all the patience I can muster not to hire a hitman.

But anyway, there will be more comics of this annoying co-worker throughout the day. Anyone care to place a wager on whether or not she’ll be eating in at least one of them?

12:10 PM

You can’t have a series of comic strips dedicated to and inspired by Angi without including politics, and I’ve created a few of them for your viewing pleasure.

My apologies to our non-conservative friends out there. Hopefully you won’t be offended. Of course, if this next one offends you, the other ones I’ll post later in the day will really offend you.

12:52 PM

Satan makes his first appearance in the following comic strip. And yes, I really do think that’s what his apartment looks like.

Minus the fire and brimstone, of course.

1:23 PM

The following comic strip references a remark I made in Thursday’s live blog at 11:31 AM. You don’t have to have read it to understand what’s going on in the following cartoon, but it wouldn’t hurt.

If you can read the following comic strip without Aerosmith’s “Dude Looks Like a Lady” playing in your head, then mister you’re a better man than I.

2:09 PM

The following cartoon portrays a real-life fear of mine. Angi, if you ever accidentally spill food on your clothes while at work, run. Run like the wind.

2:42 PM

Okay, so remember earlier when I said if the first political cartoon offended you you’d be really offended with the ones I was going to post later? Yeah, this is the one I mainly had in mind.

Call me crazy, but I suspect this is exactly how it all went down.

3:18 PM

No intro necessary. Of course, if it didn’t need an introduction, why am I typing anything? Seems pretty stupid.

3:30 PM

Satan and Obama are having dinner together again. No, don’t worry, there isn’t any kissing in this comic strip. However, there is a lot of heavy panting and swooning.

4:02 PM

Angi is much too polite to admit such a thing, but methinks this is what goes through her head on those especially aggravating days at work.

5:07 PM

Have you ever watched Obama speak without a teleprompter (or without whatever he’s going to say being scripted and memorized)? It’s highly entertaining stuff. His infamous “Joe the Plumber” conversation is a good example.

The following comic strip is inspired by Barack’s ridiculous dependency on teleprompters to get him through his day. And no, I was not drunk when I created this one.

5:40 PM

Hope everyone enjoyed these. With any luck, they brightened more than a few people’s Mondays.

It’s Friday the 13th. Ooooooh, I’m so scared.

Did the original creators of that insipid movie franchise pick “Friday the 13th” out of a hat, or has that day actually been notoriously unlucky throughout history?

If anyone knows, please feel free to share. If I have to, I will Google it. I’d just hate to waste precious Google resources on something like this, though.

9:29 AM

I like it when people leave Facebook statuses like, “Jack is going to bed.”

Without that helpful info, I’d be up all night worrying if Jack was ever going to get his beauty sleep. He’s got that big presentation in the morning, you know.

9:36 AM

On the other hand, I hate it when people leave Facebook statuses like, “Frank is having meatloaf for dinner.”

Apparently, Frank doesn’t feel we need to know what he’s having to drink or what side items he’s having with his meatloaf.

Thanks for nothing, Frank.

10:29 AM

If monopolies are supposed to be bad, why isn’t there uproar regarding the monopoly scissors have in the workplace?

Staplers have paperclips to keep them in line and vice versa. As far as writing utensils go, there are pencils, pens of numerous colors and sharpies. My office phone appears to be a commanding presence at first glance, but two feet away sits my cell phone. The tape dispenser has thumbtacks and glue sticks to make sure it behaves. Even post-it notes have “scrap sheets of paper and tape” to worry about.

And then you have scissors.

Scissors have no rival.

I wouldn’t mind if they weren’t so smug about it.

12:02 PM

It would appear “Friday the 13th” came about because a bunch of old dudes a long time ago inexplicably felt the need to combine the unluckiest day (Friday) and the unluckiest number (13) into one “holy crap hide the women and children” day of misery. Old dudes are weird.

But why are Friday and 13 unlucky?

Apparently, Friday is the day Jesus was crucified, the day Eve tempted Adam, and the day Cane killed Abel. I’m not sure how the unnamed Biblical scholars know all this, but I guess it doesn’t matter. I would have sworn all these things happened on a Monday, but I digress.

As for the number 13, just like all bad things, its unluckiness stems from a dinner party gone wrong. According to a Norse myth, 12 “gods” were having a dinner party at their heaven. Suddenly, a joykill named “Loki”, who wasn’t invited, crashed the party without having the decency to bring spinach dip or drinks. After having one too many Coronas, Loki arranged for “Hoder” (the “blind god of darkness”) to shoot “Balder the Beautiful” (the “god of joy and gladness”) with a mistletoe-tipped arrow.

A couple thoughts:

1. If “Hoder” was blind, I hope someone bought him a drink or gave him a high five for successfully shooting “Balder” with an arrow. I mean, murder is wrong, but come on. That was a heck of a shot.

2. Assuming the arrow hit “Balder” in the forehead, were all the female “gods” required to give him a kiss? The arrow was tipped in mistletoe, right? Tradition is tradition after all.

A big thanks to Angi the Awesome for finding the info for me.

1:32 PM

The Last House on the Left, a remake of the Wes Craven original, is being released to theaters today.

Does anyone else find it funny that these movies could have just as easily been titled, “The First House on the Right”?

2:01 PM

According to Yahoo’s homepage, “Shannen Doherty” is today’s top search engine phrase. Since no one in their right mind would ordinary give a crap about her, much less search for her online, I can only assume one of two things has happened:

1. Shannen Doherty has murdered someone.

2. Shannen Doherty has died.

If it’s the former, I’ve got to say I’m not surprised. Though I only watched a couple episodes of Beverly Hills 90210 during its decade-long run and I never watched a single episode of Charmed (despite the fact it starred Alysa Milano), I know enough about Shannen Doherty to know she is certifiably insane and capable of killing someone. Frankly, I’m surprised it took her this long to snap.

If it’s the latter, my condolences to her family. She will be missed.

I know I could clear up this whole thing by searching online, but no way am I Googling her.

2:54 PM

So, it would appear the reason “Shannen Doherty” is today’s top search engine phrase has nothing to do with her dying or her killing someone who looked at her funny. All that’s happened is she has rejoined that stupid (I’m assuming) “90210″ spin-off show on television.

To quote Angi, “Big whoop.”

Still, I have a hard time believing THAT is why she is dominating search engines today. She’s Shannen Doherty. No reasonable person gives a crap about her.

Therefore, here’s what I think happened:

Today, within a few seconds after midnight, Shannen Doherty searched for herself online. Since this was the first search inquiry for the day, “Shannen Doherty” momentarily leaped to the top of Yahoo’s list of top search phrases.

People all over the world then noticed her name on Yahoo’s homepage.

“What’s this,” they thought to themselves.

“No one gives a crap about Shannen Doherty. If she’s the top search phrase, she must have died or killed someone.”

And then, to find out for sure, these people began entering her name into search engines. This kept her name at the top of the rankings.

As the day has gone on, more people discovered her name on Yahoo’s homepage just like I did. And a majority of these people, curious as heck as to what was going on, searched for her online.

Curiosity begot Googling, which begot more curiosity.

I’m afraid we’re in an infinite loop now. Until the end of time, “Shannen Doherty” will be the web’s most searched phrase.

Lord help us.

3:58 PM

Once again, I made the mistake of skipping lunch today. At the time, I wasn’t very hungry. To quote the great Ron Burgundy, “I immediately regret this decision.”

I’ve looked through my desk and cabinet drawers and have discovered the following (possibly) editable edible items:

• One packet of soy sauce
• Three packets of Chinese hot mustard
• Six packets of light mayo from Chick-fil-a
• One packet of honey BBQ sauce
• One unopened, 15-pack box of Trail’s End Popcorn with an expiration date of October 30, 2004

Does anyone think eating the popcorn could kill me?

5:13 PM

Methinks those of you who are suggesting the popcorn is okay for me to eat are just hoping I will become violently ill.

My guess is you guys think food poisoning will give me plenty of live blogging material. I can’t argue with that logic, but I’m still going to have to pass on the popcorn from 2004.

I hear that was a bad year anyway.

11:54 PM

Friday the 13th is almost over. I’ve survived. Oh sure, I was a little worried when that hatchet-wielding guy in a hockey mask showed up at my front door. But I made it through.

To celebrate, I’m going to pour some salt on a black cat while I stand underneath a ladder.

I’ve found a flaw in this live blogging thing…

What the heck am I supposed to use as blog titles?!

On Tuesday, I titled it Live Blogging: An Experiment Brought on by Boredom. Yesterday, I titled it AGAIN With the Live Blogging?

I can’t possibly keep up that naming scheme, right? Should today’s title be, “Did You Seriously Do Another Live Blog?” Should Friday’s be, “For Real Now…Quit it With the Live Blogging”? What title will I use a month from now? Three months from now? A year from now?

Seriously, I’m asking all of you. How should I title these darn things?

The show Friends named every episode “The One with ______” or “The One where ______.” They’d fill in the blanks with whatever the heck that particular episode was about. Monk does a similar thing where every episode is titled “Mr. Monk ______.” They fill in the blanks with whatever Monk does that particular episode. It’s a pretty nifty technique.

Of course, I can’t do this because when I title these blog posts in the morning I have no clue what they are going to ultimately discuss. To date, my live blogging topics have ranged from this year’s Oscars to wondering if the inventor of paperclips ever wonders what they taste like.

I need to give this some thought. Your feedback is welcomed and appreciated.

10:53 AM

Mandy Moore married singer Ryan Adams in Georgia yesterday. Silly Mandy. I know you thought having the wedding in my home state would increase the chances that I’d come bolting through the doors when the preacher asked if anyone objected to the marriage, but did you honestly expect me to fall for this ruse?

I wasn’t born yesterday, missy.

11:31 AM

I’m sorry, but I can’t think of Mandy Moore without remembering a story a friend told me one time about a guy she knew. It was one of the most insane stories I’ve ever heard.

Long story short: Said guy met a girl. At least, he THOUGHT she was a girl. It was really a guy. When precisely he discovered “she” was a he is shrouded in mystery, but apparently, at some point, the guy/gal serenaded said guy with a rendition of Mandy Moore’s song Crush.

It was one of the most hilarious, and disgusting, stories I have ever heard. Plus, it had a good life lesson:

If the girl serenading you has big hands, an Adam’s apple and calls herself “Mike”, she’s probably a guy.

12:09 PM

Why is Hayden Panettiere famous?

Of the few episodes of Heroes I’ve seen, she’s displayed an acting prowess the world has not seen since Keanu Reeves starred in his second grade class’s production of “Oliver Twist” back in 1971.

To steal borrow my own material from something I wrote back in 2005 about Allyson Hannigan, allow me to present to you all the full extent of Hayden Panettiere’s acting range:

This is Hayden Panettiere happy.

This is Hayden Panettiere sad.

This is Hayden Panettiere when she’s neither happy nor sad.

And scene.

1:10 PM

I’ve heard it said that a man would climb a mountain just to be with the one he loves.

Perhaps I’m missing the basic point of the message, but why can’t the girl meet the guy half way? That would seem like the logical thing to do.

Plus, unless they were going to live on top of the mountain, the girl would have to hike down eventually anyway, right?

Am I missing something?

1:43 PM

The king of Ponzi schemes, Bernard Madoff, pleaded guilty today and could face up to 150 years in prison for scamming people for billions of dollars.

Among the people he scammed: actor John Malkovich.

Who in their right mind tries to pull one over on Malkovich?! Have you ever looked into the man’s eyes during any of his movies? The man looks insane. I have a feeling his roles in Of Mice and Men, In the Line of Fire and Con Air weren’t “acting” as much as they were “Malkovich being Malkovich.”

Methinks Madoff pleaded guilty because he sought the safety only prison bars can provide.

Silly Madoff.

Malkovich will find you.

2:53 PM

I have also heard it said that a man would swim the ocean just to be with the one he loves.

Perhaps I’m missing the basic point of the message, but why can’t the guy just rent a boat? Is he too poor? How can he expect to raise a family if he can’t even round up enough money to rent a boat?

You’d think the guy could at least sneak onto someone else’s boat and hitch a ride. Of course, the girl he loves would probably just dump him for the guy who had the boat.

3:25 PM

On the Atlanta Journal Constitution’s homepage right now is a feature where you can vote for the “best hot dog in town.”

I like hot dogs. Sounds like a pretty good poll if you ask me. Of course, then I notice the hot dog photo they’re using (pictured). It’s burnt! And it looks like it has pickle wedges (!) on it.

Of all the photos of hot dogs in existence, they chose this one?

“Yes, I’d like one hot dog. Burn it beyond recognition please. Oh, and throw on some pickle wedges. Do you have any monkey brain you could sprinkle on top? How about some candy corn?”

People are sick.

4:41 PM

“I love the South,” proclaimed Kenya citizen and U.S. President Barack Hussein Obama to a group of Atlanta Journal Constitution writers at the White House on Wednesday.

Don’t patronize us, Barack. If you love the South, put Jeff Foxworthy on your cabinet. No questions, just do it.

5:35 PM

I have heard it said that a man would walk 500 miles just to be with the one he loves. I have it on good authority that said man would then walk 500 more.

Someone needs to let this dude borrow a car.

More to come throughout the day…

After yesterday’s live blog was such a (*cough*) resounding success, I’m going to give it another go. My job is such that I randomly have short batches of free time throughout the day — i.e. just enough time to periodically write a short, banal thought.

Plus, as you all know, my thoughts are best when short. Any thought that takes longer than 70 words for me to express and I begin to ramble like an English professor who has had three cups of coffee and was asked “Who the heck is Shakespeare” by a student wearing a “Fergalicious” tank top.

But I digress.

9:04 AM

We have a new female employee in the building who is — gosh — actually my age. In the sea of old timers that is my company’s work force, anyone around the age of 30 sticks out like a sore thumb.

But anyway, as I walked in the door this morning she was turning around a corner. She was carrying hot coffee and I was carrying my precious, sensitive skin. We almost collided, but thankfully did not. I smiled and began to say “good morning”, but she beat me to it with a bigger smile and a “morning” that was drawn for several seconds.

Her greeting drowned out mine, so I’m not sure she heard me. If that’s the case, now she thinks I’m rude. This is bad because, one, she’s actually cute. But two, I’d hate to offend practically the only other person in the building my age.

Last month’s “Employees Under 35″ meeting consisted of me and an ant that was trying to carry a cracker crumb. And I think the ant was lying about his age.

10:27 AM

Not that I needed a reminder of this, but there are some truly evil, disturbed people in the world. At the moment, Yahoo’s homepage features three recent tragedies: the man who shot and killed a pastor while his congregation looked on in horror, the Alabama gunman who gunned down nine people yesterday (including four relatives), and the German teen who killed 15 people in a school shooting this morning.

It’s a mad, mad, mad, mad world.

10:44 AM

We’re having a “going away” pizza party for a co-worker today. There’s going to be Domino’s pizza as far as the eye can see.

This is a good thing, right?

Wrong.

I’m trying to eat healthier. Pizza is the exact opposite of what I should be eating. Well, technically, I guess eating entire sticks of butter while drinking heavy cream would be the exact opposite, but pizza isn’t too far behind.

I wouldn’t mind dilemmas so much if they didn’t make me have to choose.

11:21 AM

Did you know Tom Hanks snagged the lead role in Forrest Gump only because John Travolta turned it down? It’s difficult to believe, but according to some entertainment slide show on Yahoo it’s 100% true.

Personally, I’m sad it didn’t happen.

Every time I watch Forrest Gump I have the same thought: “There’s just not enough dancing in this movie.”

12:56 PM

I decided to have two slices — and only two slices — of pizza. I picked one with a lot of veggies and no meat. Calorie wise, it wasn’t a horrible lunch.

Surprisingly, the pizza was good. It’s been, literally, a decade since I’ve had Domino’s. My memory of them, much like Angi’s, was that Domino’s pizza was cardboard with toppings.

Apparently, cardboard has come a long way in the past ten years.

1:10 PM

Do you think, in quiet moments, Diet Coke cries because it knows it can never be as good as Coke Zero?

1:36 PM

I’ve just started season four of LOST. This show is addicting and it always keeps me on my toes. It’s like crack coffee.

To those fans of the show who have not watched any of the “special features” on the DVDs (I know there is at least one of you like this out there), here are two interesting “LOST” tidbits:

1. Michael Keaton, he of Batman and Beetle Juice fame, was the creators’ preferred choice for the role of “Jack.”

2. The character “Jack” was originally going to DIE in the show’s pilot.

Yep, both are true.

Would I lie to you?

2:01 PM

As I bent down to pick up my Nobel Prize from the floor just now, I glanced at my shoes (pictured) and had a memory come flooding back to me.

An ex of mine hated these shoes. Hated hated hated hated hated them. Hated them. Hated each and every square inch of them. Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like them. Hated the implied insult to anyone who saw them by their belief that anyone would think they were attractive shoes.

In short, she didn’t like them.

Personally, I never understood the hatred. They are black, Kenneth Cole dress boots. They can go with bluejeans or dress slacks. They’re cool like that.

My ex, though, said they made me look like I had “clown feet.” I didn’t get it. Is there a guy in the history of the world who actually cared if his feet looked big? That’s a girl worry — not a guy worry.

What say you, good SKOS readers? If you click the image you will see a larger photo. Are the boots really that hideous?

2:25 PM

Do you think the guy who invented paperclips ever thinks to himself, “I wonder what these things taste like?”

If he has, I hope it was just a fleeting thought.

3:00 PM

Since Obama is too busy staring into the soulful eyes of a teleprompter all day, I’ve decided to take it upon myself to save the stock market.

How?

By issuing stock of myself.

My ticker symbol will be “KEV” (which, inexplicably, is currently unused). My price to earnings ratio is solid, I pay a nice dividend (in the form of picking up the check at restaurants) and I enjoy nice long walks on the beach and talking about my feelings.

You’re welcome, everyone.

(Note: Only ladies are allowed to buy stock)

3:54 PM

Well, it’s been brought to my attention that issuing stock of myself is essentially prostituting myself. That wasn’t what I meant, so I am hereby withdrawing my “KEV” stock idea.

Why does every good idea I come up with end with “male hooker” accusations being thrown about?

3:55 PM

That last question was a joke.

3:56 PM

Oh dear. I wonder what kind of traffic I’m going to get now that the words “male hooker” have appeared in a blog post?

Google Adense, you best keep it clean with the advertisements. I’m serious now.

4:34 PM

I just received an e-mail announcing a “St. Patrick’s Day Pot Luck” (emphasis theirs) next week at my work. We’re all supposed to either bring food or a $5 donation.

Am I allowed to only bring food that is green? If so, that’s really going to limit my options. Still, I’ve narrowed my choices to the following:

1. Moldy bread and cheese
2. Green Skittles or M&Ms
3. Frog legs
4. Some of those green eggs Dr. Seuss kept harping about

I don’t know about all of you, but my mouth is already watering.

5:21 PM

What does everyone think about this “live blogging” experiment the past two days? Should I keep doing it, or should I stop and never speak of it ever, ever again?

6:01 PM

Why is there a Viagra commercial on television this time of the day? That is ridiculous. Is ED not a taboo topic for children?

I’m glad I don’t have kids.

“Dad, what is erectile dysfunction?”

“This is why I didn’t want them learning how to speak,” I’ll tell my wife.

More to come throughout the day…

While texting back and forth with a friend during this year’s Oscars (yes, I was that bored), I told said friend that I should have done a “live blog” here on SKOS for the event. I should have written a new blog post and every time I had a witty (or witless) thought about something inexplicable that happened, I should have updated the post in real time for my readers to see.

Granted, maybe one or two people would have actually followed the darn thing “live”, but at least it would have given me something mildly entertaining to do.

Fast forward to today. I am bored out of my mind with little to do. Seems like a perfect time to try out this “live blogging” thing, don’t you think?

9:07 AM

My head is killing me. My head was killing me all day yesterday and I woke up today with my head still killing me. Apparently, it takes a long time for me to die. I’m tough like that.

9:19 AM

Yesterday, despite it being the Monday after “spring forward”, I chose not to have a single drop of caffeine all day.

I was an idiot.

Today, I am making no such mistake. Coffee is good. Coffee is my friend. Coffee understands me. If I had an ounce of musical ability, I would write a song about coffee.

I’m making googly eyes at my cup of coffee. This isn’t good…

10:11 AM

I don’t believe it. The stock market is actually up right now. Heck, the Dow is up over 200 points. Has Obama finally saved us? (tries to control laughter)

10:49 AM

I actually had a guy leave me a comment earlier this morning. It’s been pointed out to me on a number of occasions that my readers are predominately female. And by “predominately” I mean “Josh and Steve are the only guys who ever leave me comments.”

I wonder why that is? Any thoughts, people? And by “people” I mean “ladies.”

I think I’ll give this topic a blog post of its own one day soon…

11:31 AM

Either someone stole my coffee while my back was turned, or I’ve finished all of the caffeine goodness and need to refill my cup.

I assume it’s the latter, but I’m setting up bear traps all over my office just in case it’s the former.

12:25 PM

I have felt “blah” for several days now. It’s lunch time, but I don’t feel like eating. Yesterday I felt the same way. I’d blame it on having a case of the Mondays, but rumor has it you can get your $%# kicked for saying something like that. Also, it’s not Monday.

Is there such a thing as having a case of the blahs?

12:42 PM

I’ve just noticed that no one has commented on this blog yet. Far as I can tell, no one has even read it. It therefore stands to reason that no one is reading these words I’m writing right now, and yet I am writing them anyway. Does this make me crazy? I’m not crazy, am I? Shhhhh, Kev, you’re not crazy. Okay, good. I was worried there for a second.

It would appear a better use of my time would be playing Pictionary with some blind kids.

1:51 PM

As I’m listening to the musical stylings of Scott Weiland on my iPod, a thought occurred to me: I would be a horrible rock star.

Seriously, touring the world and playing on stage every night for a capacity crowd? No thank you. I’ll travel the world, but I want to see the sights and sip coffee all day long.

Now, if my fans don’t mind keeping quiet and following me around all day, that might work. In between sips of coffee, I might pick up my guitar and sing a few tunes. Of course, after a few minutes of this I would want to get up and go somewhere else. When I get to my next destination, wherever that may be, I might sing a few more songs.

If I feel like it.

And if my fans aren’t cool with this arrangement, I’ll just cancel the darn tour. I’ll go on a vacation. And by “vacation” I mean I’ll tour the world and sip on coffee all day long.

2:20 PM

I don’t know why, but drinking four cups of coffee makes me have to go to the restroom.

I don’t pretend to understand the science behind it, but methinks it has something to do with coffee being super awesome and my having to let out some of the awesome before I explode.

3:01 PM

I think my feet are growing. Is this normal? I’m a grown man — shouldn’t my feet have stopped growing by now?

My size 13 Nike Air running shoes are too small. If I wear them for any reason other than hanging around the house, my feet hurt. And I just noticed that the dress boots I’m wearing right now are a little more snug than they used to be.

I don’t want to buy new shoes. I like my shoes. Plus, I’m frugal and shoes cost money.

I only have one recourse: I’m going to have to lose a few toes.

4:12 PM

Wow, the Dow ended up 379 points today. Too bad these gains will likely be lost tomorrow or Thursday by traders who merely wanted to make a quick buck.

Of course, I could be wrong. Maybe Obama really did save us?

Haha! It gets funnier every time I say it!!

5:09 PM

I can’t believe I haven’t eaten all day. Is this what it feels like to be anorexic? If so, I don’t like it. About an hour ago, after not being hungry all day, I suddenly became famished. But since it’s so close to dinner time I’m trying to overcome the hunger pains.

It’s not easy. On my desk, I have some BBQ sauce leftover from lunch one day at Chick-fil-a. It’s staring at me. Taunting me. I’d help myself to it, but I’m afraid the moment I do a co-worker will come into my office for my chat.

I don’t want to be known as “that guy who was licking a BBQ sauce packet.” As nicknames go, that one sucks.

5:43 PM

To those who are curious as to what I would have said had I actually done a live blog for this year’s Oscars, allow me to give you a few examples:

“Why isn’t Steve Martin hosting? This is inexplicable.”

“What is Sarah Jessica Parker wearing? It’s inexplicable.”

“Why is Jessica Biel on stage? She shouldn’t be allowed to watch the Oscars much less get on stage and talk to the audience? Who’s next — Bill Maher? This is inexplicable.”

In short, I would have said “inexplicable” a lot.

Wasn’t that fun? No? Well, I’m gonna do it again anyway.