I'm a cypher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kev and I own this here website.
After yesterday’s live blog was such a (*cough*) resounding success, I’m going to give it another go. My job is such that I randomly have short batches of free time throughout the day — i.e. just enough time to periodically write a short, banal thought.
Plus, as you all know, my thoughts are best when short. Any thought that takes longer than 70 words for me to express and I begin to ramble like an English professor who has had three cups of coffee and was asked “Who the heck is Shakespeare” by a student wearing a “Fergalicious” tank top.
But I digress.
9:04 AM
We have a new female employee in the building who is — gosh — actually my age. In the sea of old timers that is my company’s work force, anyone around the age of 30 sticks out like a sore thumb.
But anyway, as I walked in the door this morning she was turning around a corner. She was carrying hot coffee and I was carrying my precious, sensitive skin. We almost collided, but thankfully did not. I smiled and began to say “good morning”, but she beat me to it with a bigger smile and a “morning” that was drawn for several seconds.
Her greeting drowned out mine, so I’m not sure she heard me. If that’s the case, now she thinks I’m rude. This is bad because, one, she’s actually cute. But two, I’d hate to offend practically the only other person in the building my age.
Last month’s “Employees Under 35″ meeting consisted of me and an ant that was trying to carry a cracker crumb. And I think the ant was lying about his age.
10:27 AM
Not that I needed a reminder of this, but there are some truly evil, disturbed people in the world. At the moment, Yahoo’s homepage features three recent tragedies: the man who shot and killed a pastor while his congregation looked on in horror, the Alabama gunman who gunned down nine people yesterday (including four relatives), and the German teen who killed 15 people in a school shooting this morning.
It’s a mad, mad, mad, mad world.
10:44 AM
We’re having a “going away” pizza party for a co-worker today. There’s going to be Domino’s pizza as far as the eye can see.
This is a good thing, right?
Wrong.
I’m trying to eat healthier. Pizza is the exact opposite of what I should be eating. Well, technically, I guess eating entire sticks of butter while drinking heavy cream would be the exact opposite, but pizza isn’t too far behind.
I wouldn’t mind dilemmas so much if they didn’t make me have to choose.
11:21 AM
Did you know Tom Hanks snagged the lead role in Forrest Gump only because John Travolta turned it down? It’s difficult to believe, but according to some entertainment slide show on Yahoo it’s 100% true.
Personally, I’m sad it didn’t happen.
Every time I watch Forrest Gump I have the same thought: “There’s just not enough dancing in this movie.”
12:56 PM
I decided to have two slices — and only two slices — of pizza. I picked one with a lot of veggies and no meat. Calorie wise, it wasn’t a horrible lunch.
Surprisingly, the pizza was good. It’s been, literally, a decade since I’ve had Domino’s. My memory of them, much like Angi’s, was that Domino’s pizza was cardboard with toppings.
Apparently, cardboard has come a long way in the past ten years.
1:10 PM
Do you think, in quiet moments, Diet Coke cries because it knows it can never be as good as Coke Zero?
1:36 PM
I’ve just started season four of LOST. This show is addicting and it always keeps me on my toes. It’s like crack coffee.
To those fans of the show who have not watched any of the “special features” on the DVDs (I know there is at least one of you like this out there), here are two interesting “LOST” tidbits:
1. Michael Keaton, he of Batman and Beetle Juice fame, was the creators’ preferred choice for the role of “Jack.”
2. The character “Jack” was originally going to DIE in the show’s pilot.
Yep, both are true.
Would I lie to you?
2:01 PM
As I bent down to pick up my Nobel Prize from the floor just now, I glanced at my shoes (pictured) and had a memory come flooding back to me.
An ex of mine hated these shoes. Hated hated hated hated hated them. Hated them. Hated each and every square inch of them. Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like them. Hated the implied insult to anyone who saw them by their belief that anyone would think they were attractive shoes.
In short, she didn’t like them.
Personally, I never understood the hatred. They are black, Kenneth Cole dress boots. They can go with bluejeans or dress slacks. They’re cool like that.
My ex, though, said they made me look like I had “clown feet.” I didn’t get it. Is there a guy in the history of the world who actually cared if his feet looked big? That’s a girl worry — not a guy worry.
What say you, good SKOS readers? If you click the image you will see a larger photo. Are the boots really that hideous?
2:25 PM
Do you think the guy who invented paperclips ever thinks to himself, “I wonder what these things taste like?”
If he has, I hope it was just a fleeting thought.
3:00 PM
Since Obama is too busy staring into the soulful eyes of a teleprompter all day, I’ve decided to take it upon myself to save the stock market.
How?
By issuing stock of myself.
My ticker symbol will be “KEV” (which, inexplicably, is currently unused). My price to earnings ratio is solid, I pay a nice dividend (in the form of picking up the check at restaurants) and I enjoy nice long walks on the beach and talking about my feelings.
You’re welcome, everyone.
(Note: Only ladies are allowed to buy stock)
3:54 PM
Well, it’s been brought to my attention that issuing stock of myself is essentially prostituting myself. That wasn’t what I meant, so I am hereby withdrawing my “KEV” stock idea.
Why does every good idea I come up with end with “male hooker” accusations being thrown about?
3:55 PM
That last question was a joke.
3:56 PM
Oh dear. I wonder what kind of traffic I’m going to get now that the words “male hooker” have appeared in a blog post?
Google Adense, you best keep it clean with the advertisements. I’m serious now.
4:34 PM
I just received an e-mail announcing a “St. Patrick’s Day Pot Luck” (emphasis theirs) next week at my work. We’re all supposed to either bring food or a $5 donation.
Am I allowed to only bring food that is green? If so, that’s really going to limit my options. Still, I’ve narrowed my choices to the following:
1. Moldy bread and cheese
2. Green Skittles or M&Ms
3. Frog legs
4. Some of those green eggs Dr. Seuss kept harping about
I don’t know about all of you, but my mouth is already watering.
5:21 PM
What does everyone think about this “live blogging” experiment the past two days? Should I keep doing it, or should I stop and never speak of it ever, ever again?
6:01 PM
Why is there a Viagra commercial on television this time of the day? That is ridiculous. Is ED not a taboo topic for children?
I’m glad I don’t have kids.
“Dad, what is erectile dysfunction?”
“This is why I didn’t want them learning how to speak,” I’ll tell my wife.
More to come throughout the day…
;-) 3.11.09 at 12:13 pm:
I hate going away parties with food that’s not good for me. I end up eating it only because I can justify it by saying ‘Well, that person is going away, I won’t see them anymore, so there can’t possibly any more parties for that person, can there? Now pass me more pizza!’
;-) 3.11.09 at 12:19 pm:
Dominoes is like toppings on cardboard. I wouldn’t have too hard a time turning that down.
Chocolate cake, on the other hand…
;-) 3.11.09 at 1:03 pm:
@Diana: You’d have hated this party. There was TONS of pizza. You could have gone to town.
@Angi: Before the party I’d have wholeheartedly agreed with you, but this pizza was actually good. Maybe it’s just because were in Georgia and everything is better down here, but the local Domino’s actually sent us some tasty pizza.
Sadly, there was no chocolate cake.
;-) 3.11.09 at 1:09 pm:
I hope you cleared up any possible misunderstandings between you and the new girl by offering her free pizza at the party.
;-) 3.11.09 at 1:14 pm:
@Erin: That’s a pretty suave idea. Is that the kind of thing Spike would do?
;-) 3.11.09 at 1:23 pm:
Don’t start that again. I trounced you last time. So soon he forgets…
;-) 3.11.09 at 1:29 pm:
@Angi: You trounced nothing!!!
;-) 3.11.09 at 1:39 pm:
Michael Keaton has NOTHING on Matthew Fox.
Just saying.
;-) 3.11.09 at 2:04 pm:
@Angi: It’s hard to imagine anyone except Matthew Fox in that role. Still, I’ve always thought Michael Keaton was an underrated actor. I bet he could have pulled it off.
(And I bet he’s really kicking himself that he didn’t take the job!)
;-) 3.11.09 at 2:05 pm:
It depends on whether you wear them with tapered jeans or not.
I think I should do a live blog.
It would get boring. The whole thing would be about how FREAKING ANNOYING Melissa is. She’s on the phone again…
;-) 3.11.09 at 2:05 pm:
I wasn’t referring to his acting.
But sure.
;-) 3.11.09 at 2:11 pm:
@Angi #1: Are you saying I couldn’t pull off tapered jeans? Them’s fightin’ words, missy.
You SHOULD do a live blog. It’s great. And because you keep your thoughts short, you’re able update quite a lot. Do it. Do it now. Go.
As for Melissa, allow me to give you a song lyric: “Don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know whatcha got ’til it’s gone?” In other words, you should appreciate these last days you have with Melissa. And I can’t think of a better way of appreciating her than doing a live blog that constantly mocks everything she does!
@Angi #2: Why am I not surprised. You and your celebrity crushes.
;-) 3.11.09 at 2:15 pm:
There you go, jumping to conclusions again.
Michael Keaton isn’t tall enough.
JEEZ.
;-) 3.11.09 at 2:21 pm:
@Angi: I don’t jump to conclusions. The conclusions jump to me.
True, Michael Keaton is 5 inches shorter than Matthew Fox (5’9 versus 6’2). But then again, the actor who plays “Sayid” is only 5’8. Height doesn’t seem to matter much on that show.
But anyway, height smeight. We both know the real reason you’re so pro-Matthew Fox. And no, no matter how much you beg, I will not give you a Matthew Fox poster for your birthday.
;-) 3.11.09 at 3:26 pm:
You’re selling stock of yourself?
Doesn’t that make you the equivalent of a male prostitute?
;-) 3.11.09 at 3:40 pm:
@Angi: I didn’t think of it that way. But no, that doesn’t make me a male prostitute…does it? :-/
I mean, I’d do almost anything for this country. But to quote the singer Meatloaf, “I won’t do that.”
;-) 3.11.09 at 3:40 pm:
I think it does. You’re selling yourself. Where I come from….yeah.
Male hooker.
;-) 3.11.09 at 3:48 pm:
@Angi: Well, great, I won’t be issuing stock of myself after all. I didn’t even consider that racy angle. Darn me and my naivety.
;-) 3.11.09 at 3:59 pm:
I like those shoes. Did your ex ever say WHY she thought they looked like clown shoes? I mean, it’s not like their big and red or anything.
;-) 3.11.09 at 4:03 pm:
@Diana: THANK YOU. Haha.
Her basic argument was my feet looked too big when I wore them. Which, again, even if true, I don’t understand why she cared. Was she worried strangers would see us together and whisper to each other, “Gosh, that guy’s feet are freakishly big!”
;-) 3.11.09 at 4:12 pm:
You should have gone and done something even better….gotten one of those clown cars so you could drive around town in it with her.
Of course, you’d have to stuff it with about 20 people, to have the full effect.
;-) 3.11.09 at 4:15 pm:
I don’t know if Diet Coke cries about being inferior to Coke Zero but they both cry about being inferior to Coke. It’slike the person with a facelift standing next to the naturally beautiful person with no facelift. Sort of. Whatever.
You cut the end of your toes off in the picture so I can’t say. For all I know, your feet extend another 8 inches but the picture doesn’t show it. Are you being purposely deceptive about it?
;-) 3.11.09 at 4:22 pm:
@Diana: Haha. I’m SURE that wouldn’t have led to our relationship ending sooner.
@Erin: Do people with facelifts cry when they stand next to naturally beautiful people? Do naturally beautiful people prefer Coke or Coke Zero? What about people who have had facelifts? Your analogy brings up all sorts of additional questions for me…
Haha. Um, no. I assure you the tip of my shoe ends normally. That said, the photo had to cut off the tip because…I couldn’t fit my entire shoe into the frame. If I zoomed out, you wouldn’t have been able to tell if you were looking at a shoe or giant piece of coal. My cell phone’s camera sucks, fyi.
;-) 3.11.09 at 5:01 pm:
Dude, you have soooo many green food options.
A head of broccoli.
A head of lettuce or spinach.
A bunch of asparagus.
A couple bottles of Superfood.
Lime Jello (bonus points if you put a stapler in it).
Pistachio pudding.
Pistachio-almond ice cream.
Lime sherbet.
Brussels sprouts.
I could go on.
;-) 3.11.09 at 5:08 pm:
@Angi: Sure, I suppose if you wanted to go the HEALTHY route there are lots of green veggies.
But seriously…pistachio pudding and ice cream?? I’ve never heard of such things. You’re making it up, right Ang?
;-) 3.11.09 at 5:22 pm:
So THIS is live blogging? I wasn’t sure what that actually was. Me likey. Oh and your shoes are actually pretty cool.
;-) 3.11.09 at 5:26 pm:
Angi is not kidding about pistachio-flavored foods. Tasty.
Naturally beautiful people prefer Coke because it, too, is natural. Sure, citric acid and sugar dissolve bone and rot teeth but they also exist in nature. People with facelifts also prefer Coke. Everybody prefers Coke, even you, I’m sure of it.
“Lime” Freezie Pops are green. Are they really lime, though? I just call them “green freezie pops”. Also, green: green curry, guacamole, pesto.
;-) 3.11.09 at 5:43 pm:
Erin knows where it’s at. I can’t believe you’ve never had pistachio ice cream or pudding. It’s bomb.com.
Ooooo guacamole. I’m hungry now.
This is like live commenting. Hah!
;-) 3.11.09 at 5:46 pm:
Totally keep doing the live blogging, it gives me something to check on every hour or so. Okay, maybe every 5 minutes.
;-) 3.11.09 at 6:01 pm:
@Corrina: I GUESS this is live blogging, haha. There might be a better name for it.
Thanks! I’m glad there’s at least one female in the world who likes my shoes.
@Erin: I think you and Angi are in cahoots. You’re trying to trick me into eating made up pistachio foods.
Nope, I prefer Coke Zero. Coke is too sweet tasting. Does this mean I’m not naturally beautiful?? :-/
@Angi: Not only have I never had them, I’ve never HEARD of them. Promise me you didn’t make these up? I took a leap up faith when I believed you about zucchini bread.
Live comment…I like it. It’s a new sensation that will sweep the country!
@Diana: Every five minutes, eh? Haha.
;-) 3.11.09 at 6:30 pm:
Sigh. This is one reason why, contrary to your insane ramblings and protesting, Washington is better. And Nebraska, apparently.
Erin, tell me you’ve heard of zucchini bread…
;-) 3.11.09 at 6:33 pm:
@Angi: Wait, are you saying ALL my rambling is insane, or just my rambling about Georgia being better than Washington (which is 100% true, fyi)?
I believe you about zucchini bread. It sounds crazy, but I believe you. Have you ever had mushroom-onion bread? Remind me to make it for you some time.
;-) 3.11.09 at 6:34 pm:
The former.
No, but I have had onion bagels, which I actually do like.
;-) 3.11.09 at 6:34 pm:
I meant the latter. Sorry.
;-) 3.11.09 at 6:36 pm:
@Angi: Haha, I’m glad you clarified yourself. You were about to give me a complex.
Wait, onion bagels? Are you for real? I’ve never heard of those.
;-) 3.11.09 at 6:39 pm:
Are you SERIOUS??
What is it with you and having NEVER heard of all these foods!!!?? You’ve certainly been alive long enough!!!
;-) 3.11.09 at 6:41 pm:
Pistachio pudding.
Pistachio ice cream.
Onion bagel.
Zucchini bread.
You’re making me sad.
;-) 3.11.09 at 6:43 pm:
@Angi: Did you seriously just make a crack about my age while critiquing my lack of food knowledge??
You don’t see ME making fun of your…um…
Give me time. I’ll think of something.
;-) 3.11.09 at 6:45 pm:
No, I was just insinuating that it’s not like you’re 5 and haven’t heard of all those foods.
;-) 3.11.09 at 6:50 pm:
@Angi: Uh huh. Suuuuure.
Okay, onion bagels look delicious. Zucchini bread…it’s tough to say. It looks fine. But pistachio pudding and ice cream…yeah, I don’t know. I might try it if I’m sedated.
Oh, you’re short. Told you I’d think of something.
;-) 3.11.09 at 6:52 pm:
Try the pistachio pudding/ice cream. Trust me. It’s good.
I like being short. Do you like being in your 30′s?
;-) 3.11.09 at 6:57 pm:
@Angi: I like pistachios…the idea of pistachio pudding/ice cream just sounds weird to me. I’ve clearly not tried very many foods.
Wha? Thirties? I’m sure I have no idea what you’re talking about. And yes, okay, you’re a good height. It was just the first thing that came to mind. Okay, how about this:
You weren’t blessed with a southern accent.
Oooooh, I bet that one hurts.
;-) 3.11.09 at 6:58 pm:
Um, no, I’ve actually been told I have a great non-accent, “Like I could be on television.”
;-) 3.11.09 at 7:04 pm:
@Angi: Let me guess…a guy told you that, right? Such a line. I can’t believe you fell for it.
Okay, I was just teasing about your voice. But I’m being totally serious with this one:
Your cats aren’t as awesome as mine.
Boom. Roasted.
;-) 3.11.09 at 7:50 pm:
First, let’s settle this whole Coke thing right now: Coke with real sugar > Coke > Coke Zero > Cat urine > Diet Coke.
Second, regarding the shoes, they’re fine. Only thing it appears you did wrong was not leave one of them up your ex’s ass.
Finally, a source of green food is right under your nose. Well, not exactly _under_ it, but it’s there for the picking.
;-) 3.12.09 at 1:04 am:
I don’t remember. Multiple people have told me that, mostly in Oklahoma. They were jealous THEY didn’t have my tv/radio voice.
Um, Duma and Dinah aren’t declawed. Watch what you say.
;-) 3.12.09 at 11:13 am:
9:04am That’s my office too. For a brief shining moment I had another young person around. And then they fired her.
12:56pm Cardboard that is paid for by work will always be more delicious than cardboard purchased with your own hard-earned cash.
4:34pm Your office has a lot of food parties. All my office has is a couple of bags of microwave popcorn. And technically I bought them and they are hidden in my desk.
;-) 3.12.09 at 11:17 am:
Coke Zero cries because it can never be Diet Caffeine Free Pepsi.
Do you rest one foot on top of the other when you’re sitting? Johnny Depp does that …
Feed that ant lots of coffee and he’ll grow up real soon.
Who you calling old timer?