I'm a cypher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kev and I own this here website.
I’ve found a flaw in this live blogging thing…
What the heck am I supposed to use as blog titles?!
On Tuesday, I titled it Live Blogging: An Experiment Brought on by Boredom. Yesterday, I titled it AGAIN With the Live Blogging?
I can’t possibly keep up that naming scheme, right? Should today’s title be, “Did You Seriously Do Another Live Blog?” Should Friday’s be, “For Real Now…Quit it With the Live Blogging”? What title will I use a month from now? Three months from now? A year from now?
Seriously, I’m asking all of you. How should I title these darn things?
The show Friends named every episode “The One with ______” or “The One where ______.” They’d fill in the blanks with whatever the heck that particular episode was about. Monk does a similar thing where every episode is titled “Mr. Monk ______.” They fill in the blanks with whatever Monk does that particular episode. It’s a pretty nifty technique.
Of course, I can’t do this because when I title these blog posts in the morning I have no clue what they are going to ultimately discuss. To date, my live blogging topics have ranged from this year’s Oscars to wondering if the inventor of paperclips ever wonders what they taste like.
I need to give this some thought. Your feedback is welcomed and appreciated.
10:53 AM
Mandy Moore married singer Ryan Adams in Georgia yesterday. Silly Mandy. I know you thought having the wedding in my home state would increase the chances that I’d come bolting through the doors when the preacher asked if anyone objected to the marriage, but did you honestly expect me to fall for this ruse?
I wasn’t born yesterday, missy.
11:31 AM
I’m sorry, but I can’t think of Mandy Moore without remembering a story a friend told me one time about a guy she knew. It was one of the most insane stories I’ve ever heard.
Long story short: Said guy met a girl. At least, he THOUGHT she was a girl. It was really a guy. When precisely he discovered “she” was a he is shrouded in mystery, but apparently, at some point, the guy/gal serenaded said guy with a rendition of Mandy Moore’s song Crush.
It was one of the most hilarious, and disgusting, stories I have ever heard. Plus, it had a good life lesson:
If the girl serenading you has big hands, an Adam’s apple and calls herself “Mike”, she’s probably a guy.
12:09 PM
Why is Hayden Panettiere famous?
Of the few episodes of Heroes I’ve seen, she’s displayed an acting prowess the world has not seen since Keanu Reeves starred in his second grade class’s production of “Oliver Twist” back in 1971.
To steal borrow my own material from something I wrote back in 2005 about Allyson Hannigan, allow me to present to you all the full extent of Hayden Panettiere’s acting range:
This is Hayden Panettiere happy. 
This is Hayden Panettiere sad. 
This is Hayden Panettiere when she’s neither happy nor sad. 
And scene.
1:10 PM
I’ve heard it said that a man would climb a mountain just to be with the one he loves.
Perhaps I’m missing the basic point of the message, but why can’t the girl meet the guy half way? That would seem like the logical thing to do.
Plus, unless they were going to live on top of the mountain, the girl would have to hike down eventually anyway, right?
Am I missing something?
1:43 PM
The king of Ponzi schemes, Bernard Madoff, pleaded guilty today and could face up to 150 years in prison for scamming people for billions of dollars.
Among the people he scammed: actor John Malkovich.
Who in their right mind tries to pull one over on Malkovich?! Have you ever looked into the man’s eyes during any of his movies? The man looks insane. I have a feeling his roles in Of Mice and Men, In the Line of Fire and Con Air weren’t “acting” as much as they were “Malkovich being Malkovich.”
Methinks Madoff pleaded guilty because he sought the safety only prison bars can provide.
Silly Madoff.
Malkovich will find you.
2:53 PM
I have also heard it said that a man would swim the ocean just to be with the one he loves.
Perhaps I’m missing the basic point of the message, but why can’t the guy just rent a boat? Is he too poor? How can he expect to raise a family if he can’t even round up enough money to rent a boat?
You’d think the guy could at least sneak onto someone else’s boat and hitch a ride. Of course, the girl he loves would probably just dump him for the guy who had the boat.
3:25 PM
On the Atlanta Journal Constitution’s homepage right now is a feature where you can vote for the “best hot dog in town.”
I like hot dogs. Sounds like a pretty good poll if you ask me. Of course, then I notice the hot dog photo they’re using (pictured). It’s burnt! And it looks like it has pickle wedges (!) on it.
Of all the photos of hot dogs in existence, they chose this one?
“Yes, I’d like one hot dog. Burn it beyond recognition please. Oh, and throw on some pickle wedges. Do you have any monkey brain you could sprinkle on top? How about some candy corn?”
People are sick.
4:41 PM
“I love the South,” proclaimed Kenya citizen and U.S. President Barack Hussein Obama to a group of Atlanta Journal Constitution writers at the White House on Wednesday.
Don’t patronize us, Barack. If you love the South, put Jeff Foxworthy on your cabinet. No questions, just do it.
5:35 PM
I have heard it said that a man would walk 500 miles just to be with the one he loves. I have it on good authority that said man would then walk 500 more.
Someone needs to let this dude borrow a car.
More to come throughout the day…
;-) 3.12.09 at 10:54 am:
How about,
The One Where I Did That Thing I Do
The Second One Where I Did That Thing I Do
The Third One Where I Did That Thing I Do
And so on and so forth. I mean, if Friends and Monk can be uncreative, so can you.
;-) 3.12.09 at 11:32 am:
Simply use the date as the title.
Also, write it in the style of a Civil War soldier’s letter home. This isn’t hard. Just start every paragraph with “My Dear Martha,” Like this:
My Dear Martha,
Do you think, in quiet moments, Diet Coke cries because it knows it can never be as good as Coke Zero? Well, we’ll be moving out soon. I hope to write to you again soon.
;-) 3.12.09 at 12:51 pm:
@ Angi – inspiration to be uncreative? how… inspired!
@Kevin – HILARIOUS, and i can’t say the words “my dear martha,” without dropping into a deep southern General Lee voice, which is pretty funny, because the first Martha that comes to mind when brainstorming the civil war is Martha, the President Lincoln’s wife…. which means if Lee’s writing to her… SCANDAL!!
and hey, Kev Kev, title them with your hopes and dreams for the day. Be descriptive:
“Today I shall be on the lookout for any super hot beautiful women with marriage on their minds dragging me off before a justice of the peace or a minister of their chosen faith to begin life-long journey of bliss and unity down the path toward divorce”
;-) 3.12.09 at 1:10 pm:
Gianna — I know. Don’t hate me because I’m a genius.
;-) 3.12.09 at 1:19 pm:
@Angi: I like it. It’s simple, easy AND boring.
@Kevin: Based on your blog and your comments here, you are a comedic genius, my friend.
@gianna: Excellent idea, but there’s just one problem. That example you gave are my hopes and dreams for EVERY day. I can’t very well name every blog post the same thing.
@Angi: Agreed. If someone’s going to hate you, let it be for something legitimate — like the fact you live in the same state as Melissa.
;-) 3.12.09 at 2:19 pm:
The girl is not at the top of the mountain. She is on the other side and the guy has to hike up one side and down the other to reach her. So, unless they’re going to live on top of the mountain, she’s not going up there.
;-) 3.12.09 at 3:01 pm:
Title your live blogs with a reason you think you are awesome. Example: “Because I am!”
Hayden Panettiere a better actor than Kevin Costner. Still worse then Keanu.
;-) 3.12.09 at 3:02 pm:
@Erin: So the girl is on the other side of the mountain? Well, why doesn’t the guy just walk around it? In fact, she could walk around it too and they could meet at the half-way point.
@Sarah: Better than Costner?! You’re breaking my heart here. Costner’s the man.
;-) 3.12.09 at 3:53 pm:
Dude, that’s not burned, it’s charbroiled. Big difference.
Do you never put hot dog relish on your hot dogs? Cause that’s basically the same thing as pickles.
;-) 3.12.09 at 3:58 pm:
@Angi: It looks burnt to me. I can’t stand burnt food. Makes me gag.
I love pickle relish and probably would like pickle wedges on a hot dog. It just seems like such a strange topping. I know up in Chicago that’s how they eat them (they put tomatoes and other stuff like that on hot dogs, too), but this is Georgia. We put onions, relish, chili or coleslaw on our hot dogs. Pickle wedges are too fancy smancy.
;-) 3.12.09 at 4:03 pm:
Burned marshmallows and charbroiled hamburgers/hot dogs are the best.
“Pickle wedges are too fancy” makes me laugh. Only in Georgia…
;-) 3.12.09 at 4:12 pm:
Yeah, what Angi said about marshmallows and hot dogs. Yummy.
Putting anything on a hot dog besides a bun is like putting steak sauce on a steak–it completely ruins it and is only slightly less bad than blasphemy.
;-) 3.12.09 at 4:12 pm:
@Angi: You and your burned marshmallows.
See, I don’t consider myself a picky eater, but this is one area where I probably made life heckish for my mom growing up. I like my meat well done, but NOT burnt. If it’s burnt, I gag. But if it’s undercooked and pink, I can’t eat it.
In short, my mom is a saint.
I take “only in Georgia” as a compliment.
@Erin: No more agreeing with Angi, okay? Agree with me for once!!
So you eat your hot dog with NOTHING on it? Not even mustard? And you don’t put steak sauce on your steak??
;-) 3.12.09 at 4:13 pm:
Erin, are you sure you’re not from the North?
;-) 3.12.09 at 5:33 pm:
Kev, you have to say something I can agree with, first. No, nothing on a hot dog. Not mustard, not ketchup, especially not relish. Just a bun, sometimes. Also, I am from Nebraska. We have the best beef in the world walking around the backyard, so steak sauce is not necessary.
Angi, no just north of the South I guess. But south of the North.
This translates to my every day life where I can’t make decisions and love to sit on the fence.
;-) 3.12.09 at 5:40 pm:
@Erin: I’ve NEVER said something with which you agree?? If that’s true, one of us is a lunatic.
Just a plain ol’ hot dog and bun. That’s interesting. I could certainly eat a plain hot dog like that, but I don’t know why I’d ever want to.
Clearly you’ve never tried my homemade steak sauce. It’s to die for.
Literally.
;-) 3.12.09 at 5:52 pm:
I could eat dill pickles every day. I love them. I could not eat beef every day. I cannot love it.
Erin – Maybe you’re a northern at heart. We sure like a lot of the same things. Tea…licorice…burned marshmallows…I just hate soccer is all.
;-) 3.12.09 at 6:19 pm:
I’m not sure there is anything I could eat every day. Maybe cashews. Those are good and I could eat only a small handful, thereby fulfilling my “eating them every day” duties.
;-) 3.12.09 at 6:36 pm:
No, I just meant if you wanted me to agree with you in this section. Now stop with the accusations of lunatic. It makes me uncomfortable.
Your steak sauce is to die for, literally? That’s pretty ambiguous. Do you mean it is heart-stoppingly delicious or similar to poison?
I can drink water every day, does that count?
Angi, I don’t know about that “Northern at heart” business. That would require me to make a decision about what part of the country I like best and as I said before, I’m on the fence.
Why do you hate soccer? What is there to hate? I can’t think of a single thing. Think how much more we would have in common if you could set aside your unfounded grievances against The Beautiful Game.
;-) 3.12.09 at 6:41 pm:
@Erin: So I haven’t said anything in this post you can agree with? What about my plea for someone to loan the “walk 500 miles” guy a car?
True, I didn’t mean for it to be ambiguous. I meant it’s delicious. It’s part A1 steak sauce, part Heinz 57 sauce, and I throw in a few special ingredients. I call it “Bliss Sauce.”
I don’t think water should count. No beverages allowed.
;-) 3.12.09 at 7:21 pm:
Okay, I can agree that someone should loan the guy a car. Good job. Also, I agree that this Hayden person is probably a terrible actress, based on her picture because that’s a pretty stupid expression she has on her face. Actually, there are several things I can agree with. Have I ever told you that I can be difficult and contrary sometimes? No? Well, I can. I know! You would never believe it if I didn’t confess.
Your Bliss Sauce sounds good–but not for steak. See, even you know that and that’s the reason it’s called “Bliss Sauce” instead of “Steak Sauce”. Am I right?
If water doesn’t count then I’ll agree with you AGAIN and say cashews (and macadamia nuts and peanuts and pistachios and almonds and stuff) could be eaten each and every day because they’re little and delicious.
;-) 3.12.09 at 11:20 pm:
Yeah, that’s a pretty bad picture to use for a hot dog photo. I could take a picture right now with my eyes closed and get a better one than that.
Although, it DID make my mouth water because I LOVE slightly burnt hot dogs.
So does that mean the picture was effective for me?
;-) 3.13.09 at 12:35 am:
I think I heard about a guy who ate the world’s most overcooked hot dog to be with the one he loves.
;-) 3.16.09 at 1:21 pm:
[...] following comic strip references a remark I made in Thursday’s live blog at 11:31 AM. You don’t have to have read it to understand what’s going on in the [...]