I'm a cypher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kev and I own this here website.
It’s Friday the 13th. Ooooooh, I’m so scared.
Did the original creators of that insipid movie franchise pick “Friday the 13th” out of a hat, or has that day actually been notoriously unlucky throughout history?
If anyone knows, please feel free to share. If I have to, I will Google it. I’d just hate to waste precious Google resources on something like this, though.
9:29 AM
I like it when people leave Facebook statuses like, “Jack is going to bed.”
Without that helpful info, I’d be up all night worrying if Jack was ever going to get his beauty sleep. He’s got that big presentation in the morning, you know.
9:36 AM
On the other hand, I hate it when people leave Facebook statuses like, “Frank is having meatloaf for dinner.”
Apparently, Frank doesn’t feel we need to know what he’s having to drink or what side items he’s having with his meatloaf.
Thanks for nothing, Frank.
10:29 AM
If monopolies are supposed to be bad, why isn’t there uproar regarding the monopoly scissors have in the workplace?
Staplers have paperclips to keep them in line and vice versa. As far as writing utensils go, there are pencils, pens of numerous colors and sharpies. My office phone appears to be a commanding presence at first glance, but two feet away sits my cell phone. The tape dispenser has thumbtacks and glue sticks to make sure it behaves. Even post-it notes have “scrap sheets of paper and tape” to worry about.
And then you have scissors.
Scissors have no rival.
I wouldn’t mind if they weren’t so smug about it.
12:02 PM
It would appear “Friday the 13th” came about because a bunch of old dudes a long time ago inexplicably felt the need to combine the unluckiest day (Friday) and the unluckiest number (13) into one “holy crap hide the women and children” day of misery. Old dudes are weird.
But why are Friday and 13 unlucky?
Apparently, Friday is the day Jesus was crucified, the day Eve tempted Adam, and the day Cane killed Abel. I’m not sure how the unnamed Biblical scholars know all this, but I guess it doesn’t matter. I would have sworn all these things happened on a Monday, but I digress.
As for the number 13, just like all bad things, its unluckiness stems from a dinner party gone wrong. According to a Norse myth, 12 “gods” were having a dinner party at their heaven. Suddenly, a joykill named “Loki”, who wasn’t invited, crashed the party without having the decency to bring spinach dip or drinks. After having one too many Coronas, Loki arranged for “Hoder” (the “blind god of darkness”) to shoot “Balder the Beautiful” (the “god of joy and gladness”) with a mistletoe-tipped arrow.
A couple thoughts:
1. If “Hoder” was blind, I hope someone bought him a drink or gave him a high five for successfully shooting “Balder” with an arrow. I mean, murder is wrong, but come on. That was a heck of a shot.
2. Assuming the arrow hit “Balder” in the forehead, were all the female “gods” required to give him a kiss? The arrow was tipped in mistletoe, right? Tradition is tradition after all.
A big thanks to Angi the Awesome for finding the info for me.
1:32 PM
The Last House on the Left, a remake of the Wes Craven original, is being released to theaters today.
Does anyone else find it funny that these movies could have just as easily been titled, “The First House on the Right”?
2:01 PM
According to Yahoo’s homepage, “Shannen Doherty” is today’s top search engine phrase. Since no one in their right mind would ordinary give a crap about her, much less search for her online, I can only assume one of two things has happened:
1. Shannen Doherty has murdered someone.
2. Shannen Doherty has died.
If it’s the former, I’ve got to say I’m not surprised. Though I only watched a couple episodes of Beverly Hills 90210 during its decade-long run and I never watched a single episode of Charmed (despite the fact it starred Alysa Milano), I know enough about Shannen Doherty to know she is certifiably insane and capable of killing someone. Frankly, I’m surprised it took her this long to snap.
If it’s the latter, my condolences to her family. She will be missed.
I know I could clear up this whole thing by searching online, but no way am I Googling her.
2:54 PM
So, it would appear the reason “Shannen Doherty” is today’s top search engine phrase has nothing to do with her dying or her killing someone who looked at her funny. All that’s happened is she has rejoined that stupid (I’m assuming) “90210″ spin-off show on television.
To quote Angi, “Big whoop.”
Still, I have a hard time believing THAT is why she is dominating search engines today. She’s Shannen Doherty. No reasonable person gives a crap about her.
Therefore, here’s what I think happened:
Today, within a few seconds after midnight, Shannen Doherty searched for herself online. Since this was the first search inquiry for the day, “Shannen Doherty” momentarily leaped to the top of Yahoo’s list of top search phrases.
People all over the world then noticed her name on Yahoo’s homepage.
“What’s this,” they thought to themselves.
“No one gives a crap about Shannen Doherty. If she’s the top search phrase, she must have died or killed someone.”
And then, to find out for sure, these people began entering her name into search engines. This kept her name at the top of the rankings.
As the day has gone on, more people discovered her name on Yahoo’s homepage just like I did. And a majority of these people, curious as heck as to what was going on, searched for her online.
Curiosity begot Googling, which begot more curiosity.
I’m afraid we’re in an infinite loop now. Until the end of time, “Shannen Doherty” will be the web’s most searched phrase.
Lord help us.
3:58 PM
Once again, I made the mistake of skipping lunch today. At the time, I wasn’t very hungry. To quote the great Ron Burgundy, “I immediately regret this decision.”
I’ve looked through my desk and cabinet drawers and have discovered the following (possibly) editable edible items:
- One packet of soy sauce
- Three packets of Chinese hot mustard
- Six packets of light mayo from Chick-fil-a
- One packet of honey BBQ sauce
- One unopened, 15-pack box of Trail’s End Popcorn with an expiration date of October 30, 2004
Does anyone think eating the popcorn could kill me?
5:13 PM
Methinks those of you who are suggesting the popcorn is okay for me to eat are just hoping I will become violently ill.
My guess is you guys think food poisoning will give me plenty of live blogging material. I can’t argue with that logic, but I’m still going to have to pass on the popcorn from 2004.
I hear that was a bad year anyway.
11:54 PM
Friday the 13th is almost over. I’ve survived. Oh sure, I was a little worried when that hatchet-wielding guy in a hockey mask showed up at my front door. But I made it through.
To celebrate, I’m going to pour some salt on a black cat while I stand underneath a ladder.
;-) 3.13.09 at 10:31 am:
Here. Because I’m such a nice person.
;-) 3.13.09 at 10:33 am:
My scissors have a giant papercutter sitting 10 feet away to keep them in line.
;-) 3.13.09 at 10:40 am:
@Angi: Awesome. Thank you! (I was seriously curious about this Friday the 13th thing…)
@Angi (Part Duex): Wow, your office is fancy. Next you’ll be telling me you also have a filing cabinet and a paper shredder box 10 feet away from you, and a copy machine, printer and postage meter approximately 40 feet away.
;-) 3.13.09 at 1:03 pm:
Dang it! This time Angi beat me to it, haha. I was going to suggest papercutter.
;-) 3.13.09 at 2:19 pm:
Apparently, Friday the 13th inspires hilarity. Where do I even start on this post? I don’t think I’ll try since I’m so behind. It would probably just be lots of “Haha, I agree with you” and “LOL”, so I’ll spare you that. However, I will insist as I do every Friday the 13th, that contrary to Norse god mythology and unnamed Biblical scholars, the day is not unlucky because I was born on a Friday the 13th! How lucky is that?
;-) 3.13.09 at 2:20 pm:
Oh, and about Shannen Doherty: maybe Angi will google her. Will you Angi?
;-) 3.13.09 at 2:29 pm:
@Allison: Geesh, does everyone’s office except mine have a papercutter??
@Erin: What you consider sparing me lots of “LOL” I consider depriving me of well-earned kudos. Just sayin’.
You were BORN on Friday the 13th? I’m not superstitious or anything, but I think you should avoid marrying anyone who was also born on Friday the 13th. Otherwise, the world might eat itself.
;-) 3.13.09 at 2:36 pm:
I Googled.
Shannen Doherty is returning to 90210.
Big whoop.
You’re welcome.
;-) 3.13.09 at 2:39 pm:
@Angi: That’s it? Thanks, but goodness that was anticlimactic.
Hmmmm. I have a theory…
;-) 3.13.09 at 4:38 pm:
Editable items, eh?
Just get a Sharpie. You could have ITALIAN hot mustard, HEAVY mayo and magically turn your “Trail’s End” (???) popcorn into Orville Redenbacher kettle corn, because everyone knows that’s the best kind.
;-) 3.13.09 at 4:42 pm:
@Angi: Haha. Very funny. I’m amazed that’s the first typo I’ve made during these live blogs. (Or is it? Gulp.)
Orville is indeed the best. I’ll pass on the heavy mayo, though. Light mayo is where it’s at, yo.
;-) 3.13.09 at 4:52 pm:
Eat the popcorn, you’ll be fine. They just make up those dates to appear responsible. Dip it in the mayo and/or the mustard for an extra-special treat. Let me know how you like it! *snickers*
If I married someone else born on Friday the 13th and it is indeed an unlucky day, it would result in an extremely high likelihood that our children would have three heads but the rest of the world would probably be safe … except from our three-headed children. So, if you’re wandering around in, say, 15 or 20 years and a three headed person runs past, you’ll know what happened. Unless, like me, you cling to the belief that the REST of the world is wrong about the bad luck.
Okay, the facebook statuses: me too. Sometimes I update my status and then feel ridiculous that I was sucked in. I have a facebook acquaintance who reports her bedtime almost every night as well as her various ailments, real or perceived. It’s great reading.
;-) 3.13.09 at 5:06 pm:
Is there any way you could pull a MacGyver and fashion a tasty meal from any of those items in your desk?
As for the 2004 popcorn…it should be fine, right? I mean, those dates usually mean ‘Best By…’. The popcorn certainly wouldn’t taste the best, but it may be edible.
Good luck if you try.
;-) 3.13.09 at 5:54 pm:
No, but I’ve been nice enough not to point out the rest. I’m not getting paid for my editing skillz, after all.
I’m sure the popcorn is fine. Seriously, dried corn kernels do not expire. That would be like saying, “Oh, I can’t eat these croutons in this air-proof bag, it says they expired and I might die.”
;-) 3.13.09 at 6:28 pm:
@Erin: You’re trying to kill me. I’m on to you.
If, 15 or 20 years from now, a 3-headed person runs past me I’m going to shout, “Hey, you’re Erin’s kid aren’t you?” Assuming they spare my life, we can strike up a conversation.
You update your Facebook status? Tsk, tsk, tsk.
@Diana: I probably could pull a MacGyver, but the concoction I’d invent from mixing all those items together would likely burn my nostrils. I’d be happy to send you some in the mail, though.
@Angi: I appreciate your kindness, but I thought we had an understanding. I make typos and you let me know so I can correct them and not look foolish in front of everyone. Wasn’t that the deal?
I hear you, but…if things like that don’t expire, why do they put expiration dates on them?
;-) 3.13.09 at 6:38 pm:
Getting food poisoning WOULD be great reading material! You should seriously consider it. What would you write when you needed to take a break to go vomit?
Something like, “I really don’t feel good right now…something just doesn’t feel right..I think I may go to the BLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEECCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Yeah. That’d be pretty funny.
;-) 3.13.09 at 8:55 pm:
Hello, Mr. Frugal.
They put expiration dates on them so people will think “Oh, crap, it’s expired, I better buy more.”
And, so stores will have to rotate food items like that more often, resulting in THEM having to buy more.
;-) 3.13.09 at 10:20 pm:
Popcorn could lose its potency over time, thus the expiration date.
Wait, I’m thinking of Advil. Nevermind.
;-) 3.14.09 at 12:08 am:
@Diana: As tempting as that would be since it’d give me great blogging material, I’m going to have to pass.
Vomiting is the most unpleasant experience ever. I’ve never broken a bone, but I can’t imagine it being worse.
@Angi: So the expiration date thing is just a big scam? I can’t believe people are that evil.
Does this just apply to popcorn? Because I bet I could get some great deals on milk and cheese if I use this “expiration dates are scams” thing to my advantage.
@Kevin: I confuse popcorn and Advil all the time. Ditto anecdote and antidote. Needless to say, I flunked out of med school.
;-) 3.15.09 at 8:15 am:
I especially love adding extra butter and even seasoned salt to my Advil.
Man, I feel like curling up on the couch early this evening with a warm blanket, a piping hot bowl of ibuprofen and enjoying Dances With Wolves.
;-) 3.16.09 at 6:11 pm:
There should be some sort of reality show where fancy chefs come to your office and have to make something delicious and high-brow from the expired food in your drawers. It would at least kill an hour of work time.