I feel a little stupid. At the very end of yesterday’s live blog I wrote the following:

I just opened the jar of peanut butter I bought at the grocery store on Sunday. A spoon of peanut butter is a great snack. If you like peanut butter, of course. Which I do.

To my dismay, I noticed there is no seal on the jar.

And then I noticed that the peanut butter is…liquid.

How liquid?

It’s almost as liquid as the Coke Zero I’m drinking right now.

A normal person would simply be disgusted. I’m ticked I paid good money for liquid peanut butter.

When I relayed my plight to my mom later, she told me “all natural” peanut butter (which is what this was) is like that because all the oil rises to the top. After not being able to think of a witty response, I quickly changed the subject.

And then this morning Angi left me the following comment:

You know, REAL peanut butter COMES that way, and you’re supposed to stir it, then refrigerate it. Because peanut butter is, like, 90% oil, 10% peanuts (hence “peanut oil”.)

So, if you send it to me, that’s what I’ll do. And then I’ll eat it, and gloat to you about how it’s the best peanut butter ever.

Sigh.

I am clearly a bafoon when it comes to different varieties of peanut butter. I’ve been a “Smooth Peter Pan Peanut Butter” guy my entire life. I am also frugal. So, to save a couple bucks, I grabbed the grocery store’s own brand of smooth peanut butter when I was shopping on Sunday since I’d heard it was almost as good as Peter Pan’s.

That is, I THOUGHT I grabbed the smooth peanut butter. It said “all natural” on the jar, but I just assumed that was some kind of advertising jargon to bring in the “green” hippie folk.

So, in short, I had a blond moment. It happens. What I thought was bad, liquid peanut butter was just “real” peanut butter. Looked pretty disgusting if you ask me. I’m just sayin’.

What about the “no seal on the jar” situation, though?

“Real” peanut butter or no, shouldn’t the jar have had a seal on it? What’s to have kept some maniac from putting poison in the jar while it sat on the grocery store shelves?

I need input from the “real” peanut butter aficionados out there. Should this jar have had a seal on it? I don’t want to be poisoned. Truly, I don’t.

11:33 AM

Why are napkins available in so many different colors?

In my desk, I have unused napkins saved from lunches going back probably two years. Why do I keep them? Well, I look at is as insurance — in paper form. I might never need 400 napkins, but if the time ever comes when I do I’ll be hecka glad I have them.

But anyway, what’s with all the colors? I have napkins in three different shades of yellow, three different shades of brown and, of course, the standard white.

Do restaurants believe napkin color influences us consumers?

“Yeah, their food is tasty and you can’t beat their service or low prices, but those boring napkins of theirs are inexcusable.”

I guess my point is this: Why have any color of napkin other than the cheapest one to manufacture (which I assume is white)?

Anyone? Thoughts?

12:04 PM

As I mentioned yesterday in my “Why is Fergie’s Big Girls Don’t Cry still being played” rant, I haven’t listened to the radio in quite a while. And if Fergie’s song caught me by surprise yesterday, the song I heard this morning positively floored me.

Gavin Rossdale is back?

Gavin Rossdale?!?

For those who don’t know him, Rossdale was (is?) the lead singer for 90’s rock band Bush.

I haven’t heard a peep from him or the band in probably 8 years.

Frankly, I assumed ol’ Gavin had hung up his music shoes in favor of a life babysitting Gwen Stefani’s kids while she toured the world. But no, he now has a solo career. And I heard the song to prove it.

If I turn on the radio tomorrow and find a new song from Silverchair, Limp Bizkit or Hole (aka Courtney Love’s band), I might never again turn on my radio.

12:35 PM

Back in the day, there was an episode of Seinfeld where Elaine had a co-worker who, in Elaine’s words, “comes out of nowhere and he’s right next to you!” The guy is then referred to as a “sidler” due to the fact he just sidles right up next to people.

Anyway, to combat this, Elaine tells the co-worker he has bad breath and needs to carry a pack of tic tacs with him wherever he goes.

The purpose of this, of course, is so that the guy would make noise when he walked. With the pack of tic tacs bouncing around and making noise in his pocket, the “sidler” would never again be able to sidle Elaine without her knowing it.

“What the heck does this have to do with anything,” you might be thinking/screaming.

Well, I need to do something with that young, female co-worker of mine. She surprised me, yet again, when I was getting coffee this morning.

I need to be able to hear her coming. But what can I do? Can I trick her into wearing a bell around her neck? Maybe I can trick her into swallowing a tracking device, and then I’ll be able to monitor her movements at all times?

I need ideas, people.

12:54 PM

Wonderful. I have a meeting to go to in six minutes.

Time to go die a little inside.

3:30 PM

“A meeting that lasts 2 hours and 15 minutes is one that is 2 hours and 14 minutes too long.”

That is what I would have written had I not lost my sanity 2 hours, 14 minutes and 1 second ago.

Instead, all I feel like writing is,”Hjljojojljlkjsjoigohhoikns ghoisoingw hohosgs.”

(That is crazy talk for “I loathe long meetings.”)

5:03 PM

Question: Is it proper work etiquette to take off your shoes while sitting at your desk?

Is it okay for just girls or for guys, too?

Is it okay for guys so long as they weren’t wearing the same pair of socks yesterday?

Is it okay for guys so long as said socks have no more than two holes in them?

Thoughts?

5:52 PM

I’m hard pressed to think of the last good movie I watched. This past weekend, I watched Transporter 3. I’m not your typical “action movies rule!” guy, but I liked the first Transporter movie. The second one, though unrealistic in parts, was entertaining, too. The third one sucked, though.

Overall, it just wasn’t a very good movie. However, what made it flat-out suck was the female co-star.

Said co-star, some Russian redhead named Natalya Rudakova, had never acted before according to her IMDB.com page. In fact, she hasn’t been cast in a movie or television show since Transporter 3 either.

There’s a reason for this. She’s a sucky actress.

There hasn’t been a more annoying character in a movie since Jar Jar Binks in the Star Wars prequels. I kept waiting for Jason Statham, “The Transporter Guy” as I call him, to roundhouse kick her in the face.

I’m serious. It was awful.

Michael Moore, dressed in drag, would have been less annoying than this girl.

Great. I just put a very unfortunate mental image inside my head.

More to come throughout the day…