In an effort to combat being continually drowned in a sea of unaccompanied minors, approximately 40 malls across the nation have adopted a parental-escort policy.

What does this mean?

Well, it means that at certain times during the week, teenagers under 18 cannot go inside these malls without a parental escort. Stonecrest, a Douglas County mall in Georgia, is enacting such a policy today. Teens without escorts will no longer be able to enter the mall after 4:00 PM on Saturdays and Sundays.

I, for one, am outraged.

Oh, sure, these malls will now be more pleasant places for grownups to shop. People will be able to go there without having their eyeballs assaulted by 14-year-old boys dressed like gangstas and 13-year-old girls dressed like street walkers.

And, sure, the malls will be quieter now that there aren’t dozens/hundreds of teens talking loudly on the cell phones as they loiter around the mall.

And, yes, the lines will be shorter. And there won’t be clumps of teens blocking walkways. And the malls will smell better since Lord knows too many teenagers still haven’t learned about proper hygeine.

I get it.

I also get that there are millions more positives that I haven’t even mentioned.

But here’s the thing, people.

I don’t go to malls.

Even when I dated someone who loved to shop, I went to a mall maybe three times in a span of a year. Usually, I only visit the mall once a year — and that’s if I haven’t finished my Christmas shopping, which I usually always do.

In other words, there is no upside for me in having teens kicked out of our malls.

There is only downside.

You’re probably wondering, “How can there be downside, Kev?”

I’ll tell you how.

Before, these teenagers were in one central location. If I wanted to avoid them, I just avoided the mall. But now they’re going to be scattered everywhere. Now they’ll be out there in the world.

I am out there in the world.

I’m sure banning teens is great news for the store owners and employees at malls. I’m sure they just LOVE the idea of banning the people who loiter around the mall and never buy anything. That’s awesome for them. I’m sure prison guards would just LOVE it if all the criminals were banned from prisons, too. It’d certainly make their lives more peaceful, right? Never mind the fact those criminals would now be out there in the world causing havoc, at least the PRISON GUARDS would have things a little bit easier!!

Teens belong at malls just like criminals belong in prisons. Mall employees and prison guards just have to take one for the team here. They have to suffer so the rest of us can live in peace.

Am I right?

Who’s with me??

11:21 AM

Not that I think the world revolves around me or anything, but I wonder why it’s raining outside when God knows I do not have my umbrella with me?

11:53 AM

In my break room at work, there are two coffee machines. One makes regular coffee. The other makes decaffeinated.

I can’t place my finger on why exactly, but the decaf one offends me.

12:25 PM

So what am I having for lunch today?

Why, I’m glad you asked.

I’ll be having a deluxe pizza from Lean Cuisine, like you see in the photo to the left. I’ve had it before and it’s quite tasty.

Of course, there is a problem. (Isn’t there always?)

When using the microwaves in our break room, we’re supposed to cover our food. They have signs all over the room ordering people to cover their food or risk the wrath of…I guess whomever it is that put up all those signs.

Usually, covering your food is simple. You just leave the lid on your Tupperware. If you’re microwaving a bowl of soup, just put a paper towel over the bowl.

But what am I supposed to do with a pizza? If I put a paper towel over it, it’s going to stick to the cheese. It will be a gooey mess.

I know…

If that female co-worker is in the break room, I’ll ask her to microwave it for me (sans paper towel, of course). When people complain later, she can take the fall.

It’s genius.

1:19 PM

I just LOVE it when it turns out I have to redo everything I’ve been working on for the past two days because someone else missed something during testing last week.

I don’t want to alarm any of you, but I have a short fuse when it comes to things like this. I expect people to do what they’re supposed to do. And if they fail, laid-back Kev turns into wrath-of-God Kev.

3:12 PM

I seriously need a vacation. I need a long, long vacation. I don’t know where I want to go or what I want to do (as of this writing, lying in bed for several days sounds heavenly), but I know I want a break.

4:04 PM

I might hurt someone before this day is through.

It turns out that, as I mentioned at 1:19, someone did indeed miss something in testing last week. And, like I also mentioned, everything I’ve worked on the past two days has errors in it. However, it turns out I did not need to redo my work because what I’m working on will need to be updated in a week anyway.

Of course, this helpful tidbit of information was not relayed to me until AFTER I had deleted my work and began redoing it. I’m far enough into it now that I HAVE to finish. My entire day is being spent correcting someone else’s mistake even though I apparently didn’t HAVE to correct their mistake.

You shouldn’t make me angry.

You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.

More to come throughout the day…