I'm a cypher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kev and I own this here website.
There is something I do while driving that I don’t even realize I’m doing until I have a passenger with me who brings it to my attention.
Do I sing along with the music as loud as I can? No, thankfully for my passenger, that’s not it.
Do I fall asleep at the wheel? I’m sure I would be an excellent driver even in Sleepy Town, but no…that’s not it either.
So what is it I do?
I supply a running commentary on every other driver on the road and the (usually) inexplicable things they are doing behind the wheels of their vehicles.
For example, here are some of the things my sister heard yesterday while she rode with me to church:
“Look at this idiot. Hey buddy, it’s raining. Turn on your lights.”
“There’s someone who just got her learner’s permit. I bet she’s on her way to the dentist to have her braces removed.”
“I’m not sure where this person is from, but in their country ‘green’ must mean ‘look for something in your purse until the guy behind you honks his horn.’”
“There’s another genius with his lights off. Is there a moron convention in town? Is that where they all are going?”
“Either this guy forgot to turn off his turn signal, or his car is winking at me.”
“I could be mistaken, but I think the guy in the car in front of us is blind.”
“That car makes me sad.”
“I know I say this often, but every other driver on the road right now is a part of a mass conspiracy to drive me insane.”
I wish I was joking. I actually say these things while driving.
In all honesty, I am a nice person. I have a laid-back personality. Things really don’t rattle me. But there’s just something about being behind the wheel of a car that brings out the Mr. Cranky Pants in me.
Maybe it’s because I’m such a directionally-challenged individual — it requires me to be extra aware of my surroundings, and as a result I observe all of the stupid things people are doing around me.
Maybe it’s because, when I first began learning to drive as a teenager, I was really bad at it. I didn’t drive fast, but it’s hard to fathom how anyone could be a worse driver than I was at age 17.
Maybe that is why I’m always critiquing the bad drivers of the world. I see a little part of me when I see them. I see the careless teenager who didn’t pay attention to what he was doing, much less what anyone else on the road was doing.
Yes, maybe that’s it. Maybe that’s why I critique them.
Or maybe it’s because they’re all morons.
;-) 4.6.09 at 12:01 pm:
Have you seen that “You Park Like an A-Hole” website?
It’s pretty funny.
;-) 4.6.09 at 12:49 pm:
@Angi: I’ve never been there, but it sounds like the greatest website of all time. It annoys me to no end how some people don’t bother parking between the lines. Ugh.
;-) 4.6.09 at 2:03 pm:
Haha I think that maybe you might need your own reality tv show.
;-) 4.6.09 at 2:25 pm:
I love how you call people morons while you’re on your way to church!
And they ARE morons. I like to talk to the idiot drivers like they are talking back to me. “Oh no, you go ahead and cut in front of me. You’re obviously much more important than I am.” “There’s no way you’re getting in front of me. You better embrace that fact now because it’s not changing.” “Keep your but behind that white line. You don’t need to be out in the middle of the road just to see if it’s clear. If I can see you, you can see me.”
I’m so nice.
;-) 4.6.09 at 3:02 pm:
@Diana: A reality tv show starring ME? Oh dear, no one wants to see that. Trust me!
@Sarah: I know. I feel awful.
That’s funny, though. I do that on occasion, too. “Oh, so you’re just going to stay there even though you clearly beat me to the stop sign at this four-way stop? Excellent, way to be decisive, buddy.”
;-) 4.6.09 at 6:42 pm:
i do exactly the same thing. sometimes, i even include gestures.
;-) 4.6.09 at 6:45 pm:
I also converse with my fellow drivers, and it’s usually negative. Sometimes, however, I’ll form a pact on the highway with someone I deem to be competent.
“Alright, Green Nissan. It’s you and me, and we have to get ahead of this pack of cars inexplicably going 10 under. Let’s get to work.”
;-) 4.6.09 at 7:51 pm:
Kevin (#7), ha — that’s funny. I thought it was just me who did that.
;-) 4.6.09 at 7:54 pm:
Okay…so funny that you blog about this because today the east TN drivers were exceptionally moronic and I was saying the same types of things. Nothing makes my blood pressure go up faster than having to drive around other cars. Why can’t I just be the only car on the road?
;-) 4.6.09 at 9:45 pm:
@gianna: Gestures, eh? I’m very naive — what kind of gestures do you mean?
@Kevin: Haha, it’s never occurred to me make a verbal pact with a driver I deem competent. Perhaps that’s because there are no other competent drivers. Sigh.
@Steve: I can picture you doing that, haha!
@Audrey: See, exactly. I don’t know what it is, but driving makes my blood pressure rise! I’m glad to hear I’m not the only one.
;-) 4.7.09 at 6:39 am:
you know what kind of gestures i mean. . . smiles and waves and thumbs up of course!
awful.
and the other truly awful thing, i’ll get mad at people sometimes for doing the same thing i do myself. like driving a bit too close cause they’re in a hurry. or going around me when i’m stopped to make a turn. it’s like i expect them to be better drivers than i expect myself to be.
but i still contend that i’m a better driver than most of the people out there. ESPECIALLY THOSE THAT INSIST ON DRIVIN CONSISTENTLY 5-10 BELOW THE SPEED LIMIT. i don’t care if you have many points on your license and lots of tickets, perhaps even no license at all. maybe that means you should drive the speed limit. but driving below it. by that much. ARGH it makes me want to mount tank level artillery on the hood of my honda odyssey.
;-) 4.7.09 at 10:40 am:
Yesterday a woman driving the opposite direction from me decided she wanted to risk making a left turn across three lanes despite heavy oncoming traffic, which would have put her directly in my line of travel. And I was going 45, having just turned out of a grocery store parking lot, and … OH, and yes, my light was GREEN and the intersection was clear until Ms. Village Idiot weighed her options and decided to go ahead and place her soccer-mom minivan HALFWAY into my lane and then STOP.
Guess she never heard the expression “In for a penny, in for a pound” or “Buy the ticket, take the ride” or “He who hesitates is lost.”
I was obliged to SLAM on my brakes and SWERVE around this contender for the title of numbskull-of-the-century, just to avoid separating her suburbia-blue front bumper from the rest of her mommy taxi, and believe you me if I were in the habit of making rude hand gestures through the window, I would have done so as I passed her, in uber-high dudgeon behind the wheel of my darling thunder-gray CTS.
But at least I wasn’t on my way to CHURCH. Tsk Tsk …
;-) 4.13.09 at 11:21 pm:
@kev: I soo do a running commentary while driving! Glad I’m not the only one.
@gianna: I do gestures too! lol!
@kevin: I’ve made pacts with other cars — but usually driving long distances 1+ hours. It’s funny how similar drivers “get” each other enough to tag-team through the moronic traffic!
Actually, come to think of it… a couple of weeks before Christmas I was stuck in a mall’s parking lot because of idiotic drivers… I got out of my car and told drivers where to go… so that we could all get out before New Year’s!!!
@kev, glad I found your blog!