I'm a cypher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kev and I own this here website.
I have ranted before about how it seems as though everyone else in the world is incapable of correctly parking their vehicles. To be specific, I dedicated an entire blog post to the topic back in September 2007.
That was 18 months and some odd days ago.
A lot can happen in that length of time, right?
In 18 months and some odd days, a little boy with bad hand-eye coordination can learn how to play catch with his dad without the ball hitting him square in the eye.
In 18 months and some odd days, Axl Rose of Guns ‘n’ Roses could write and record almost two entire songs.
In 18 months and some odd days, Barack Obama can go from a senator with a questionable background and no experience to a legitimate presidential candidate with a questionable background and no experience.
In 18 months and some odd days, Samuel L. Jackson can appear in 10 or 11 movies.
In 18 months and some odd days, Paris Hilton can go from an inexplicably-popular tramp with no redeemable qualities to an inexplicably-popular tramp with no redeemable qualities in prison. Then to an inexplicably-popular tramp with no redeemable qualities who is also an ex-con. Then to an inexplicably-popular tramp with no redeemable qualities who is also an ex-con and who has a reality TV show where people compete to be her “best friend forever.”
Like I said, a lot can happen in 18 months and some odd days.
So why is it the bad drivers of the world haven’t gotten ANY better at parking?!?
As I left the gym and walked to my car in the parking lot this morning, my eyes immediately noticed the car next to me.
“Boy, he looks like he’s pretty close to me,” I thought to myself.
When I got to my car I saw the work of what is likely the worst driver ever to park beside me.
My car was perfectly square between my two lines. My car is pointed straight ahead. To give you a visual, the nose of my car is at twelve o’clock and the rear of my car is at six o’clock.
The nose of the sedan to the left of me was at about 10:30. The rear of his car was at 4:30. His right, rear tire was 100% in my parking space a mere six inches from my rear, left tire.
It was the most ridiculous parking job I’d ever witnessed. How he managed not to hit my car is a miracle.
And what made it doubly ridiculous is the parking lot was practically empty. The guy could have parked anywhere. But he chose that space. The one right beside me. And he did it blindfolded, apparently.
With unemployment high, I propose new police officers be hired in every town and city in the country. These officers will have one mission: to write tickets to people who cannot properly park.
Their job would be simple. If they come across a parked vehicle that is touching one of the parking lines, they give the driver a $50 ticket.
If they come across a parked vehicle that’s crossed one of the parking lines, they give the driver a $100 fine.
Once a person gets three parking tickets, their vehicle will be auctioned off for charity and they will lose their driver’s license — permanently.
It’s brilliant, don’t you think?
It will give jobs to people who currently do not have jobs.
It will stimulate the economy since the parking fines will be given to business owners (the ones who will be taxed to death by Obama).
It will help charities.
And best of all, it will get these freaks who don’t know how to park off the roads.
It’s a win-win-win-win situation.
Who’s with me?!?
;-) 4.14.09 at 10:40 am:
HOLLA!!!
Did you ever check out that website I told you about?
Also, this last week’s episode (one of the two) had a hilarious bit about Michael Scott attempting to parallel park in a space long enough for about THREE cars…and then going to park in a parking lot, where he proceeds to squeeze into a spot made for a go-kart, leaving about 1 inch between each side of his car and the cars on either side, forcing him to crawl out the top of his convertible…it was pretty hilarious.
There’s your random useless fact for your Tuesday.
;-) 4.14.09 at 1:05 pm:
@Angi: I tried, but my work’s Internet filter blocked it because it was under the category “tasteless!” I hope I don’t get into trouble, haha.
Last week’s two episodes were awesome. Michael is so funny. I liked it when he told the camera he should quit the “Michael Scott Paper Company” and start his own paper company. I almost died of laughter.
;-) 4.14.09 at 2:22 pm:
Where do I sign up? I would be a great parking czar. I would show no mercy. Because let’s face it, bad drivers and bad parkers deserve what they get. Yes I’m talking about having to take the bus.
;-) 4.14.09 at 2:38 pm:
Oh you have to look at it at home then! It’s so funny…they even give you a template to print out so you can put notices on people’s cars, hah!
Those episodes were 2 of my favorites. After the one where Dwight sets the fire. And cuts the face off the CPR dummy.
;-) 4.14.09 at 5:02 pm:
Whenever someone asks me what I’m up to, I respond, “NURfin!”
Everyone can thank Andy for that.
;-) 4.14.09 at 5:25 pm:
We should also consider hiring folks to monitor public parking lots. We can arm them with billy clubs. They can watch for bad parkers and when they spot one they swing into action, maneuvering stealthily toward the vehicle. Once the offending party steps out of the car WHAM! a billy club across the shins.
It could work. Or would that be a little too Singapore?
;-) 4.15.09 at 3:20 pm:
“People Who Can’t Park Shouldn’t Drive (or Reproduce)”
Just yesterday I was telling friends that I wished there was some sort of laser that could sterilise morons. Imagine the future…
;-) 4.15.09 at 4:56 pm:
You know, I read this post yesterday and laughed, but I guess I just jinxed myself because all day today I had to squeeze in next to people that parked like crap in a space.
I may or may not decide to carry a notepad with me now in order to write them a nice little note telling them to change their ways and open their eyes when they park.
;-) 4.16.09 at 11:15 am:
ARGHHHHH … I am parking challenged. I wrote about it here: http://www.jennyweber.com/january-09/2009/1/23/lines-what-lines.html
I do not attempt to parallel park. When forced, the closest I’ll come is maneuvering into a space with at least one space open in front of or behind it. And even then, I struggle.
*sigh*
But I’ve never received a parking ticket … only a warning from Slow Eddie.
;-) 4.17.09 at 3:48 pm:
@Sarah: Well, if I’m ever elected President, you better believe I’ll make this a reality. And I’ll be more than happy to hire you as parking czar.
@Angi: A template for printing out so you can put notices on people’s cars? Now you’re speaking my language, haha.
Yes, the episode where Dwight sets the fire was indeed the best. But these two are second and third.
@Kevin: The Office is so quotable. It’s awesome.
@Josh: I think it’s just the right amount of Singapore! Brilliant!!
@Sophia: Agreed. We can’t expect these morons to sterilise themselves. Oh sure, a few of them do through acts of stupidity, but more are still out there…having moronic kids.
I’m a fan of lasers in general. This one would actually serve a purpose beyond “looking cool.” Big thumbs up.
@Diana: If you do that, you must blog about what you say in the letters. I’m sure it’ll be very clean and highly entertaining. And if not the former, certainly the latter.
@Jenny: Haha. I remember that blog post. But that wasn’t your fault, though. The lines were painted in slanted. Right?
But I’m with you — no parallel parking. Thankfully, down here there is never a reason to parallel park. But Lord help me if I’m ever in a city and it becomes a necessity.