I'm a cypher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kev and I own this here website.
I know you all have been waiting for me to chime in on the current pig flu pandemic.
“When is Kev going to tell us what to do,” you’ve likely all been wondering. Your patience will be rewarded, my friends. Much like I did when the SARS pandemic hit a few years ago, I am going shed some light on the situation.
What’s that? I never blogged about SARS?
Oh.
Well, in that case I’m just going to write some random thoughts I’ve had lately about the pig flu.
If these are insightful and helpful, it’s totally by accident.
…
As child, I never understood why Charlotte in Charlotte’s Web died. But now I know. Wilbur gave her pig flu.
Those weren’t tears of sadness Wilbur was shedding.
They were tears of guilt!
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Obama recently announced that people should not be alarmed by the pig flu pandemic. Looking beyond the fact I become alarmed whenever anything comes out of Obama’s mouth, hasn’t the man learned that every time he speaks on a topic, people dissect his words and overreact?
Heck, every time the man comments on the stock market, positively or negatively, people panic and the market goes down. If I somehow knew ahead of time when he was going to comment on the economy to reporters, I could make a fortune.
Anyway, by him saying there is no reason to be alarmed, a good chunk of the country is now alarmed. That’s just how it works.
Way to go, Obama. Maybe next time you can give a quote telling small children there is no reason to be alarmed by the monsters living under their beds.
If there is no reason to be alarmed, just shut up about it!
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Even though you can’t get the pig flu by eating pork, I bet somewhere in the world there is a Jewish boy around the age of 12 who is sweating bullets because of the BLT sandwich he ate last weekend at his friend Johnny’s house.
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I have no scientific basis for this theory, but if I come down with the pig flu I am going to rub kosher salt all over my skin.
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I don’t understand why all of these U.S. citizens are visiting Mexico in the first place. Don’t they realize we have a New Mexico right here in the good ol’ USA?
I bet these are the same people who keep going to the old mall in town even after a new one opens.
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I’m glad karma isn’t real. Otherwise, I so would be getting pig flu because of this blog post.
Are any of you worried about this pig flu pandemic? Do you think it will be contained pretty soon, or that the worst is yet to come?
;-) 4.29.09 at 2:44 pm:
Personally, I’m not scared a bit.
I’m PREPARED, yo.
See?
;-) 4.29.09 at 4:29 pm:
I caught a cold the other night from leaving my bedroom window open, and when people at my store saw that I was sick today, almost EVERY ONE OF THEM commented that I might have the pig flu.
I totally wanted to slap someone.
;-) 4.29.09 at 7:40 pm:
All this irrational talk of pig flu makes me want to do is eat bacon. Like in its honor or something.
Oh, and your big social networking buttons at the bottom of your posts are scaring the hell out of me more than pig flu. The Twitter one could kick my ass, so I’ll go ahead and click on that one.
;-) 4.29.09 at 9:30 pm:
Okay, first I have to say that I love the title of this post. Too funny. Do you think you could send me one of those t-shirts? I want one. ; )
;-) 4.30.09 at 9:08 am:
Audrey, where’s your picture?
Oh … wait … I’m here to make a comment. Which is, swine flu or no swine flu, I wouldn’t go to Mexico even if Johnny Depp personally invited me.
Do you now comprehend the depth of my ambivalence towards that country?
;-) 4.30.09 at 9:10 am:
Oh, and Angi … that pandemic kit is truly extraordinary. I wonder if they’re flying off the shelves? I’d probably kill myself trying to figure all the components out, long before the swine/bird flu got me. Sheesh.
;-) 4.30.09 at 11:01 am:
Jenny – On another one on Amazon, the first review is from a guy who says, “I have had this kit for 3 days and have not contracted the Swine Flu. 100% success rate so far.”
I want to know how many dates he’s had lately, wearing that getup…
;-) 4.30.09 at 12:54 pm:
Wilbur tears of guilt! Love it!
;-) 4.30.09 at 3:36 pm:
If I were Wilbur, I would be laughing uproariously knowing that I had rid the world of another fanged beast. That’s mean. Even I liked Charlotte.
;-) 4.30.09 at 5:15 pm:
[...] the heels of yesterday’s hard-hitting blog post that delved deep into the swine-flu pandemic issue, I present to you all a story that will someday [...]
;-) 5.1.09 at 9:25 am:
I heard yesterday the number of people who have actually been diagnosed with swine flu….it’s laughably small. Not only that, only 3 (not 3%, 3) people have even been hospitalized. It’s gotten some Mexicans REALLY sick in Mexico but the Americans who have been diagnosed have been no worse off the regular flu.
Americans, stop being paranoid sheep-minded dolts. It’s embarrassing!!