I'm a cypher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce. Also, my name is Kev and I own this here website.
Dear Women Who Go To My Gym,
I assume — much like the women I work with, the women at the grocery store and the female drivers I see in traffic — that you are here to be near me.
Now, now, don’t be shy. Wait, what am I saying? You?? Shy? I forgot who I was talking to for a moment. You ladies are about as shy as Robin Williams in Patch Adams or Jim Carrey in…well, Jim Carrey in anything.
That’s actually the reason for this ol’ letter here. You girls need to tone it down a bit. Strike that. You need to tone it down a lot.
Let’s go over a few ground rules, shall we? Consider this new gym policy. Yes, I realize I don’t technically own the gym. What’s your point?
Rule #1
Unless you are a 12 year old or are the size of a 12 year old, you should not wear clothes small enough to fit a 12 year old.
Rule #2
A woman’s perfume is a wonderful thing — except when worn at the gym. You want to smell nice? Go anywhere else. In the magical place known as “elsewhere”, your pleasant-smelling scent will be welcomed and appreciated. But at the gym, you and your perfume are mingling with an assortment of smells that, when added together, cause me to be envious of those who suffer from anosmia.
Rule #3
Do not wear shorts or pants with words written on the butt. If I wanted to read while working out on my elliptical machine, I’d reach for a magazine.
Seriously, I’m not a prude, but you might as well be wearing a shirt with the words “Look at My Butt” in bold letters and a giant arrow pointing downward.
Rule #4
Stretch at home before coming to the gym. If you must stretch at the gym, could you possibly not do it directly in front of me? Seriously, there are numerous places in the back where you can do that stuff.
Between you stretching in front of me to my left and the girl wearing shorts that read “hot stuff” on the treadmill in front of me to my right, I either have to close my eyes or look upwards towards the ceiling. And either way I look silly.
Rule #5
Put down the cell phone. Seriously, just put it down. If you are going to use the machine to my immediate left or right even though there are several others available, you cannot proceed to blab away on your phone while working out.
I don’t care that Katie’s boyfriend is a jerk. I don’t care where Kyle is going on vacation. I don’t care that there are “barely any cute guys” at the gym (a comment I can only interpret as either an insult to me or the lamest line in the history of lines considering the fact you know I’m on the machine next to you and can hear you).
Either put your cell phone away, or I’m taking it from you and giving it to the guy on steroids who is bench pressing a small village. I’ll tell him it’s a protein bar or something.
I know these rules might seem unfair, but it’s the way it has to be.
Of course, in the off chance you wear the things you wear and do the things you do to catch the eye of a guy who is not me, keep doing what you’re doing. You’ll end up with a superficial jerk who is only interested in one thing, but at least you wouldn’t have to buy new workout clothes.
To the rest of you, I’m going to help you by making every effort to not be so gosh darn awesome and appealing.
You’re welcome, ladies.
Sincerely,
Kev
Except for the parts I meant, everything I wrote above was a joke. How about all of you? Are you appalled at the things people wear, say and do at the gym (or anywhere else, for that matter)? Let’s vent together, shall we?
;-) 5.13.09 at 12:42 pm:
Man.
I can’t decide whether I should tell you about the 5′5″ tall ‘roided out guy with the spandex pants and shoulders 3x as wide as his hips who glanced at himself in the mirror every 30 seconds while running, after choosing the treadmill directly in front of me last week (with 20 others to choose from) or the elderly woman with toothpick legs who wears short-shorts and has hair so bleached it looks like straw…
The choices are just so…so…limitless…..
;-) 5.13.09 at 1:10 pm:
The gym I used to go to had a no phone policy. They actually had staff members walking around looking for phone violators. A bit over the top, but at least I didn’t have to hear about Katie’s jerky boyfriend.
P.S. I love the guys who wear those really loose Hammer pants and strut around the gym watching people. I never see them working out, unless thrusting your chest and making sure your biceps enter a room a full 4 seconds before the rest of your body is exercise.
;-) 5.13.09 at 6:01 pm:
Personally, I have a problem with the elderly gentlemen in the locker room. There should also be a “no talking whilst naked” rule.
;-) 5.13.09 at 8:11 pm:
let’s just be honest. we want to legislate in rules things that ought to be common sense. even common decency. like no parading around (naked or next-thing-to-it bodies especially), no breaches of cell phone etiquette, no failure to shower aromas, no intrusion on personal space.
my argument is that instead of wasting more trees in the lengthy process of creating these rules and educating people in them, why don’t we just outlaw stupidity? THINK of how many, many, many daily problems that would so elegantly solve.
;-) 5.13.09 at 9:31 pm:
Okay, I’ve got one. There will be no men communicating with women (ie:me) whom they do not know. The gym is not a workplace. The gym is not a social club (even though these “men” spend most of their time there). The gym is not a place to make a new friend who happens to always be a young woman. The gym is there so people can get in shape and burn calories…not burn my corneas with their leering smiles and burn my eardrums with their incredibly boring “conversation starters”.
;-) 5.14.09 at 10:42 am:
Kev, you know you’re a successful blogger — I mean, really reaching the masses, man — when your commenters’ comments are nearly as funny as the post that inspired them! Hysterical.
But for me, this is the funniest thing I read today:
Either put your cell phone away, or I’m taking it from you and giving it to the guy on steroids who is bench pressing a small village. I’ll tell him it’s a protein bar or something.
That would have made me spit coffee out me poirate nose, had I been quaffing joe at the mo, which I weren’t, so don’t get all excited!
LOL
;-) 5.15.09 at 10:21 am:
@Angi: Wow. You know what would be awesome? You should play Cupid and try getting the 5′5 steroid-spandex guy and the toothpick-legged woman with straw for hair together!
Just think of how…um, interesting their children would be.
@Sarah: A real no-phone policy at the gym? Over the top, yes, but that’s awesome. I can’t tell you how many one-sided conversations I’ve been forced to listen to at the gym. It’s awful.
Next time one of those guys in the Hammer pants come near you, put up your hand and shout, “You can’t touch this.” If he’s a true Hammer fan, he’ll think it’s hilarious. But then you can go, “No, seriously. You can’t touch this. Get away, you freak.”
@Kevin: I’ll see your “no talking whilst naked” rule for elderly gentleman and raise you “no being naked EVER” rule.
By the way, you should update your blog more often!
@gianna: Hey! You’ve been MIA for a little while. Welcome back.
I like your idea. Let’s stop treating the symptoms — let’s go after the source. “Stupidity” is the root for many, many problems we face. Just think of how many TV shows and movies would have never seen the light of day had stupidity been outlawed!
I like how you think.
@Audrey: How any guy can see a female stranger exercising at the gym and think to themselves, “this is the perfect opportunity to strike up a conversation” is beyond me.
Maybe it’s because the guys know the woman can’t easily get away…
“Yes! She’s on the treadmill. She’s not going anywhere for at least 30 minutes. Time to be suave.”
@Jenny: Oh, I know! I might not have LOTS of readers, but the readers I do have are hilarious and leave me wonderful comments.
Haha. I’m glad you found that paragraph so funny. Would you believe that entire section wasn’t in the original version of the post? Yep, the Rule #5 section had only two paragraphs at first, but before posting it I added the paragraph you cited to give it a little extra something.
;-) 5.15.09 at 5:42 pm:
FYI…my gym has a no phone policy too. Maybe you should have a chat w/ your gym owners!
;-) 6.22.09 at 4:19 pm:
How about prohibiting guys from barking, hooting, or howling during cardio classes? I’d love that.
During my Monday night bootcamp classes, there are a couple of guys who insist on barking and howling like dogs at key points in the workout. Every now and then, they’ll even yell “This is great!” or “I love this!”
Clearly, they are trying to draw attention, as though to say, “Hey, look at me! I am so good! I am so much the MAN!” This is annoying enough, but what’s worse is that most of the time, they aren’t even doing the moves right! They’re barely picking their feet off the ground while doing kicks or knee raises, for example, yet they have no problem yelling out that they really love the workout. Sheesh!
On Saturdays, I sometimes attend this kickboxing class. In contrast to the testosterone-driven posers I mentioned earlier, this one has a flamboyant fella who keeps punctuating the music with cries of “Whoo, whoo!” Like the other guys, he’s clearly trying to tell everyone how much he enjoys the workout, and just like them, he’s barely doing the moves. Where does he think he is, at a gym or at a disco?
;-) 10.24.09 at 8:23 pm:
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