You could write a book with all the knowledge I have about men’s fashion.

Granted, the book would only be only one page long. And the font size would be really, really big. Oh, and half of the book would be an introduction written by someone else — I’m thinking Ralph Lauren or Kenneth Cole, or maybe my cousin Dave.

Regardless, the book would be full of great fashion insight. For example:

Guys shouldn’t wear dresses.

Actually, that would be the entire book. “Guys shouldn’t wear dresses. Thanks for reading my book, ladies and gentlemen. The end.”

Gripping and informative, yes?

Okay, so maybe I’m not THAT much of a novice when it comes to men’s fashion. Still, I’m definitely an amateur. To steal a line often used by computer veterans discussing people who are less computer savvy, I “know just enough to be dangerous.”

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I’ve recently set several new goals for myself. Getting into better shape is one of them. Becoming a better and sharper dresser is another.

In theory, dressing better should be the easier of the two goals by a wide margin. Seriously, how hard is it to dress better? You go to a store, pick out some nice clothes, and give the effeminate man who works there your credit card.

But to get in shape, boy, you have to be persistent and patient. It takes time! I know “patience” is one of the Type B personality traits I possess, but come on! Why can’t I just snap my fingers and be in shape already?

Still, believe it or not getting into shape is the easier goal for me. Why? Because I already know what to do. I’ve been in shape before. I know what it takes to get back there. I eat fewer calories and exercise every day. Boom. In a few months I’ll be in shape.

But being a good dresser? Good grief. It might be easy to get there if you’ve been there before. Otherwise, you need a map. And this isn’t the kind of map you can buy just anywhere. No, you have to build the map yourself after collecting several pieces of it from numerous different locations. You have to put it together like a puzzle.

“Oh, GQ Magazine says your belt should be the same color as your shoes. Here’s one piece of the map’s puzzle. Only 8,945 more to go.”

Okay, so maybe it’s not as complicated as I’m making it. Still, that’s just how I am. When I task myself with something, I drown myself in it. I learn all I can about it. For crying out loud, a month ago I didn’t know the first thing about swimming pools. Now I’m teaching the guy at the local pool store the in and outs of pool maintenance.

Me: “No, I don’t need to worry about my pool’s low calcium level. I have a vinyl pool.”

Pool Guy: “Oh, well what about your phosphate level? It’s really high.”

Me: “Please don’t make me have to slap you. I’ll do it. Here is my hand.”

If things go according to plan, approximately the same time I get into shape (or at least get into BETTER shape), I will have learned about what I should wear and how I should wear it. I’ll know what I’m doing and why I’m doing it. I’ll be able to go to a store, ignore the effeminate employee holding up the hot pink shirt he says I’d look “fabulous” in, and pick out a new wardrobe.

And then I’ll be able to write a sequel to my book. And this one will have more words in it than photos!